Caitlin Snyder

The Beauty of Trust

Published on September 20, 2014 by Caitlin SnyderLeave a comment

Yesterday I woke up, served at a food pantry, swung through the Chick Fil-A drive thru, had lunch with sweet Back2Back friends, crafted wedding gifts, made dinner for my family, watched some West Wing, went to Barnes and Noble with my dad and then my mom and I talked about our dreams. It was a beautiful day.

It’s been a beautiful summer.

Life did a number on me in April. I didn’t know how to get back up, let alone if I wanted to. And the hits kept coming. I was pissed at life, pissed at the world, and frankly, pissed at God. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. I was talking with a friend last week whose in a similar place as me, and I shared what I think God says to us in the midst of heart break, confusion and frustration. I think He stares me in the eyes and says, “Caitlin, I know you’re pissed, but do you trust Me? Do you trust that I’m good? I care more about your sanctification than your immediate happiness.” I reluctantly grumbled, “Yes, God, I trust You, or I at least want to.” And a funny thing happened, I started to want to stand up again. Before I knew it, I was walking on my own two feet. Some days I’m back to crawling, but mostly I walk.

When I started to trust God, like really trust Him, I started to see that He knew what was best all along. Each of the three summers I’ve spent in Cincinnati, none of my close friends from school have been here, but this summer, not one, but two of my best friends have been here. What a blessing. That’s been God’s hand in my summer. The relationships I developed last summer at Back2Back have only grown this summer as I spend time with my old co-workers. I’ve even been able to serve at a food pantry in inner city Cincinnati, and pray through what it looks like to be the hands and feet of Jesus to the poor.

My sister called me at school after I didn’t get the job offer I wanted and she said that this summer would be a faith internship. She was right. Day by day the Lord grew my trust in Him. He showed up and showed off during what felt like a season of desperation in my young life.

This summer the Lord wanted me to learn how to trust in His goodness even when every part of my flesh was screaming not to.

This summer the Lord has shown me how He makes even the ordinary things beautiful even when I didn’t want to see beauty in my life.

I hope and pray that my trust in the Lord and His goodness only continues to grow. I hope and pray that next time life knocks me down, I remember that I’ve been there before and that God is still good. I hope and pray that delight in the ordinary because God has made it beautiful.

Presence and Sovereignty

Published on September 20, 2014 by Caitlin SnyderLeave a comment

“God isn’t waiting at the finish line, He’s here in it with you,” a friend said as he spoke to my Greek Bible study towards the end of school. I broke down in tears as I heard him say that, and tried to internalize the weight of his words (which were a total gift of the Holy Spirit). The words I used to describe how I felt around that time were a little lost and a little broken, so being reminded of God’s presence and sovereignty even in the midst of the chaos of my world moved me to tears. I desperately wanted to believe God was in control, but how could He be when I was in pain? I desperately wanted to believe God’s plan for my life was good, but how could I when my post-college plans quickly went to hell in a hand-basket? It all seemed easier if God wasn’t actually in the midst of it with me, but hovering about 100 feet above me. He could see it happening, but He wasn’t in it, because I thought, if He was in it, then it shouldn’t be happening the way it was.

We all know David of the Bible. King David, author of the book of Psalms, wrestled with God through some hardcore yuckiness. God makes some big promises to David, many of which get fulfilled in David’s son, Solomon, the wisest man to live… a man, I should remind you, who was the result of one of David’s biggest mistakes. So David and Solomon, both men after the Lord’s heart. They pursue righteousness, they are obedient, they are good guys. Then comes Jeroboam and Rehoboam. They’re not so good. Conflict divides the once united kingdom into Israel and Judah. Everything David and Solomon worked towards is destroyed. Generation after generation corrupt kings lead God’s people further away from Him through idolatry. Such is the power of sin.

If I were God, I would have been pissed. I would have retreated to 100 feet above the situation and become a passive observer while my people blatantly disobeyed me. Good thing I’m not God. As I read through 1 Kings 15, I was struck by God’s presence through these dark days of Israel and Judah. He sent people talk to the corrupt kings. He orchestrated deaths of families who were disobedient. And when a just, obedient king came into power, God blessed him. God was it with them. I’m not diminishing my sin, but I will say, my season of transition pales in comparison to the dark days of Israel and Judah. God doesn’t leave His people, even when things suck.

God is both present and sovereign. He knows how the story ends, but He’s here working it all for our good. He’s infinite. He’s in control. The more I immerse myself in who God is, the less daunting my circumstances seem, and the more I can believe He is in control. He wouldn’t leave me, nor will He stop being good. Praise Him!

“Higher than the mountains that I face

Stronger than the power of the grave

Constant through the trial and the change

One thing… Remains

Your love never fails, it never gives up,

It never runs out on me.”

-One Thing Remains, Kristin Stanfill

Here’s to Freedom

Published on September 20, 2014 by Caitlin SnyderLeave a comment

In my pre-Jesus days, I saw Christianity as a religion full of rules. From the outside looking in, Christians appeared to adhere to lots of behaviors that I believed would restrict my “rights” and how I wanted to live my life. Why would someone give up rights? Why would someone want to follow even more rules? As I understand now, I was missing the Gospel in this line of thinking. I was missing Jesus.

I stumbled my way into putting my faith in Jesus my freshman year of college. I struggled, and still do, to put to death my old ways of thinking about Christianity and all the rules. Thankfully, along the way, freedom has been redefined for me.

Freedom in Christ has changed my life.

I am freed from my own sin, in Christ. I am freed from my insecurities, in Christ. I am freed from worldly pressures to make millions, lose weight and create a name for myself, in Christ. I am freed from thinking I can do it all… and acting on that thought, in Christ. I am a hot mess. I am a sinner. I fail to believe the best about people and love them well. But God loved me so much that He refused to let sin be the end of my story.

I’m fortunate enough to live in America, a country that celebrates freedom on this day every year. Freedom is what originally separated America from the rest of the world in the 18^th century. Freedom also separates Christianity from many other world religions (because of grace).

The 4^th of July is my favorite holiday. It reminds me of just how desperately we all desire to be free. The early Americans were thought to be rebels, but in reality they were freedom fighters. Sick of the rules and regulations of the King of England, they said, “No thanks.” Today and every other day, I can say, “No thanks to my sin,” and instead choose to live in freedom. Contrary to the colonists, I am the very thing that holds me captive. I desperately desire to be free, thankfully in Christ, it’s a decision I can make, and have to make, daily.

So here’s to today, when I can celebrate my freedom as an American, and how that freedom is just a glimpse of my freedom in Christ. #snapsforfreedom

I Matter & You Matter

Published on September 20, 2014 by Caitlin SnyderLeave a comment

In elementary school, I was the only blonde girl in the sea of mostly Asian students at my international school in Japan. In middle school, I stuck out like a sore thumb; I was an early bloomer and towered over everyone, including the boys. In high school, I was way too sure of myself, and got along better with the teachers than the students. Throughout college, I was either the sorority girl who didn’t party, or the Christian girl who dressed and talked like a sorority girl. I’ve never felt like I fit in. Even now, I feel like the only post-grad who is more concerned with making an eternal impact than making money. My insecure self yells at my spirit, “Why don’t you stop being so you so we can fit in more. Don’t you just want to be normal?” It’s the inner Caitlin Snyder tempter tantrum that usually outwardly manifests itself in tears, just like most of my feelings. The biggest lies I fight on a daily basis are: 1) life would be better if you were less you, and 2) who you are does not matter.

Along with desperately wanting to fit in, through the years, I’ve found myself cursing the things that make me uniquely me. Often times, when my insecurities are strong and my flesh seems to be victorious, I start to think my life would be easier if I was less me. If my voice was a little softer, my heart less tender and my mind more focused. As I’ve started to wrestle through some of these lies and insecurities, and put them at the foot of the cross, I’ve heard the Lord say, “Caitlin, because you matter to me, your voice, your heart and your mind matter. Not only do they matter to me, but they also matter to the world. The best gift you have to offer is you.”

My voice, while it cannot carry a tune, is always ready to admit my own imperfection or offer encouragement to someone. My willingness to speak gives others the gift of saying, “Me too,” instead of having to be brave enough to confess something fit. My words are powerful – they can build others up or tear them down, if I’m not careful. My voice matters to the Lord, and my voice matters to the world.

My heart, with scars from broken friendships and unhealthy relationships, is always ready to jump into someone else’s disappointment and sit in it with them. Its tenderness responds to the Lord’s leadings, and is so sensitive to other’s needs. My heart reflects the heart of the Lord, who in scripture is said to “see a crowd of people and have compassion on them.” I never want my heart to stop breaking for the hurting, the lonely and the lost. My heart matters to the Lord, and my heart matters to the world.

My mind, that moves a million miles a minute, is always ready to make a connection across often unrelated situations. Its ability to see the Gospel even in a book written about politics allows the rest of me to remember that Jesus has power over absolutely every area of my life. Despite its inability to process information internally, I’m a verbal processor to the MAX, my mind continually demonstrates the complexity of me. I can put the same amount of thought into the movie Legally Blonde as I can into thinking about the role that black pastors played in the Civil Rights Movement. My mind matters to the Lord, and my mind matters to the world.

Praise the Lord that there is not another Caitlin Snyder, no one else will see, process or understand the world the same way as I do because of past experiences and my unique identity. But if I’m not going to be the best Caitlin Snyder possible, then the world is going to miss out on my spunky spirit, my passion for freedom and my readiness to declare that I’m a hot mess.

So here’s to you and me – may we stop trying to fit in and give into the reality that the Lord made us special. We’ve been chosen by the King of Kings and Lord of Lords! Our voices, our hearts, our minds and our experiences matter to the Lord, and they matter to the world.

Here

Published on September 20, 2014 by Caitlin SnyderLeave a comment

I like to plan. I like to know what comes next. I like to be able to prepare myself for what comes next. I like these things so much that I can cling to the plan, and lose sight of everything else. In this season of my life, I don’t have a plan. I know I’ll be in Cincinnati through August, and then I don’t know, heck, I don’t even know what I want. That’s a lie. I know I want to walk closely with Jesus, I know I want to bring the Lord glory, I know I want to get involved in good church, and build community, and I want to serve. None of these things involve a career, or getting any closer to a long-term plan.

The funny thing is, I have no doubt in my mind that I’m right where God wants me.

I wake up each morning and I ask Jesus what He has in store for the day, and I get to let Him lead because I have nothing left to lose. The Lord is reminding me each day, multiple times, that His way is better than mine. If I can learn how to let the Lord lead me daily, perhaps I can start to understand what it looks like to let the Lord lead me in the big stuff. If I can be faithful here, in the small things, I can hope and pray that I can be faithful with the big stuff someday. And maybe, just maybe, a lack of knowledge of what I want is exactly what God wants. In super fruitful times, I can forget how sovereign God is, but in seasons where I’m unsure which way is up, His involvement in my life is impossible to ignore. Moments of encouragement and moments of confusion are undeniably of Him. I’m starting to see that His plans for my days are better for me than how I would have planned it myself. Are there some days when I’m angry and disappointed? Yes. I’d be lying if I said no. But, it’s also on those days that the Lord convicts me and refocuses my perspective.

It is here, in this weird transition season of uncertainty that the Lord has challenged me to surrender even the beautiful dreams I had of doing vocation ministry to Him. It’s here that God is rooting through unresolved insecurities and unrepentant sin patterns in order to lead me into further relationship with Him. It is here that I’m learning that no matter what I achieve in this lifetime, even the good stuff, compared to Christ, is a loss. Because Jesus is the ultimate reward; a relationship with Him is the most valuable thing I could even want. Living in God’s plan, fully alive to His leading, is the ultimate goal of my life. Being obedient to Jesus should be the only thing on my bucket list, and the only thing that motivates my decisions should be – is it what God wants for me?

Would it be nice to have a plan at least for the next year? Yes. But compared to the fellowship I’m experiencing with the Lord now, there’s simply no comparison. I am right where God wants me because He is good, and He knows what’s best, and He, not me, has a plan.

Fairy Godfather

Published on September 20, 2014 by Caitlin SnyderLeave a comment

Some days I wish God was my fairy godmother… in correct terms I guess I should say, fairy godfather. I wish He could show up in the midst of my circumstances, wave a magic wand and things would turn out just the way I want them to. I’d call the shots. Even if He would just show up and grant me 3 wishes, all would be right with the world, right? Wrong. This mindset of mine assumes that I know what’s best. Which is a big fat lie. Even if I knew what was best, my flesh is so strong that I would likely struggle to actually do what is best. So if God isn’t my fairy godfather, and He doesn’t give me wishes, what does He do? This question has rattled through my head a lot over the past 2 weeks.

First, He enters into my suffering. God Himself put on the clothing of humanity and walked around on earth for 33 years. Jesus knows what disappointment feels like. Jesus knows what betrayal feels like. Jesus knows what pain feels like. Because Jesus has entered into my suffering, when I feel down, I can remember that I am not alone; I have a perfect companion along with me, holding my hand as I face each day’s challenges.

Second, in the midst of uncertainty, instead of fixing my problems, God reminds me of my identity. Because my identity is in Christ, nothing about my circumstances can change who I am. I am wholly and dearly loved. I am redeemed. I am free. I am richly given grace. I am hidden in Christ. I share in His inheritance. Nothing can change my identity, instead, The Lord gently reminds me of who I am and what He thinks of me. My immediate circumstances do not change, but instead, I am changed; changed into a woman confident of how God is working and how He will continue to work.

Wishes can be wished, but the constant companionship of Jesus is incomparable. Instead of having a fairy godfather, I have a heavenly Father who is willing to jump into my suffering with me – He doesn’t save me from it, He reminds of who I am and who He is in the midst of it. Unlike a limited number of wishes, Jesus says to me, “I will be with you always, until the very end of the age” (Matthew 28).

Disappointments

Published on September 20, 2014 by Caitlin SnyderLeave a comment

Today, my younger brother, Jake received disappointing news. He’s 12, so the disappointing news was things not working out the way he thought they would with soccer tryouts. Tears were cried and he was disappointed. He came down the stairs after showering with a scowl on his face repeating over and over and over again, “I don’t want to talk about it.” My dad said, “I know you don’t want sympathy, but I also know Cate is the probably the best one to talk to right now.” The beautiful thing about this place I am right now is that I understand, maybe better than ever before, other people’s disappointments. Because I feel so raw, I also feel very ready to jump into other people’s sadness. I just kept saying to Jake, “We’re so proud of you. We’re so proud of who you are and what you stand for. We’re just so proud of you.” When you’re unsure how you feel, discouraged or even disappointed, hearing that the people that love you still love you no matter what, and more than that, are proud of you, is all you need to hear. I cried like a baby on graduation day when my mom looked in my eyes and told me she was proud of me, because I needed to hear the truth from someone close to me, since I was struggling to believe it for myself.

I have seen community come alive to me in the past couple of weeks. I was sharing with my sister just how cared for I feel by people. My parents’ friends have offered to send my resume to their employers, friends have introduced me to opportunities, co-workers at J.Crew have asked me how the job search is coming; I’m incredibly blessed. In different words, my community has rally around me and reminded me that they’re here for me, that they love me, and that it’s all going to be okay.

We live in such a broken world. And Jesus entered into it. He entered into the pain, suffering and uncertainty of our world. Because He loves us. I try to walk with Jesus and follow His example, sometimes entering into other people’s pain, suffering and uncertainty. As Jake headed up to bed tonight, I said to him, “I wish I could tell you the feeling of hurt, rejection and inadequacy wouldn’t ever happen again, but it will.” I’m oh so encouraging, right? “But, remember who you are and just how loved you are, it will be okay.” It’s all we can say when others are hurting. It wouldn’t be okay because it will go away, which it will, but because of Jesus. He left heaven to enter into the crap we experience. His willingness and triumph remind us that we’re not alone, that we’re loved no matter what, and that if we are followers of Christ, we’re to remind each other of those two truths, even when the recipient is having difficulty believing the truth.

It’s Not About Me

Published on September 20, 2014 by Caitlin SnyderLeave a comment

For one of the first times since being home, this past Wednesday morning I felt alive and like myself again. I had the opportunity to serve at a food pantry in one of the most impoverished neighborhoods in Cincinnati. This food pantry is run out of a church, a church that is in the process of starting a nonprofit to run the food pantry, start an afterschool program and eventually a counseling center. Just reflecting on how this demonstrates the Gospel in my eyes is getting me excited. More on the church another time. But, the food pantry allows people to come and shop through the store, I got to be a personal shopper to the patrons. I felt like God allowed me to step out of my present circumstances and into the story He’s writing for so many others. I asked each person I helped what their name was and tried to remember it and use it as often as I could – who doesn’t like to felt known as an individual? I felt so lucky to be Jesus’ hands and feet for a couple of hours… so life feels so me centered that to worry about other people reminded me of what my purpose in life is – to walk closely with Jesus.

Besides having an awesome opportunity to serve, some of my thoughts while at the pantry and reflecting over the experience have been significant. I kept thinking, “Maybe someone will write a book about this food pantry and it will get national news coverage.” “If they only used social media, maybe the food pantry could get more funding and donations, and be able to serve even better.” In my mind, I took something so beautiful and God-honoring and made it into something for man to take credit for and praise. For the pastor and the volunteers, serving isn’t about having others see it happen, or even about getting as much funding as possible, it’s about doing God’s work, even if it’s without praise and attention. I’ve continued to chew on this idea this week – am I willing to do what God calls me to without any attention? What if I never get to write a book about my life, does that still mean my life was worth living? Is it 100% about God being glorified, or is it a tiny bit about me?

In today’s world, it seems like everyone has a blog, or a book, or at least a twitter, if not all three. This is not a bad thing, it simply points to the notion that we all want to be known. We want to know that we matter. We do. If I could get it through my head that I am already deeply known and loved, I would feel less pressure to do the right thing and focus on doing something. I would write more, unconcerned with who reads it and what they think. I would serve better, no thinking about who is watching. I’ve loved reading through the book of Mark in the past month. I’ve been captivated by the image of Jesus, a man by whom people were amazed. As I reflected over my experience at the food pantry, I’ve been reminded of the idea that He must become greater and I must become less. I must abandon myself in the pursuit of Him; I cannot expect to find satisfaction while being self-consumed. I must hold in tension two things:

I am deeply known and loved; my voice and story matter
It is not, has never been and never will be about me

I am called to walk closely with Jesus, to honor Him first and foremost in my life. I am not promised fame or popularity. I may never get married, become a mom, write a book, or host a talk show. Am I okay with knowing that it’s not about me? That I may never see fruit of my labor? But that no matter what, Jesus is worth it. What about you? Do you wrestle with remembering that you’re not the center of the story? Please tell me I’m not the only one!

Life Lessons Learned on the Strugglebus

Published on September 20, 2014 by Caitlin SnyderLeave a comment

I work at J.Crew. If you’ve never worked in retail, you can’t really relate, but if you have, you know the feeling of spending quite some time organizing, folding and size ordering a table only to look at it thirty minutes later and have the table completely messed up. As I drove home from work on Saturday night, I couldn’t help but feel like this situation, which I’ve encountered numerous times the past couple days, was exactly what my life felt like. I worked to nicely order everything and over the course of a couple of weeks, everything fell into disorder. Unlike the tables of clothes, my life isn’t so easy to put back together and reorganize. But, I keep asking myself, “Would you change it? Would you go back?” Over the course of the week, I’ve watched my answer change from yes, to no. Hopefully that doesn’t sound insensitive, but I think its progress. I may be on the strugglebus, or even driving the strugglebus, but I’m learning things here that aren’t easy, but are important for me in walking with Jesus for a lifetime.

One of my high school English teachers would make us repeat the phrase, “Embrace the ambiguity.” In the midst of difficult chapters of literature, when we would get tempted to quit, she would stop us and have us say, “Embrace the ambiguity.” She said that the quicker we got uncomfortable not knowing everything, the more we would enjoy the text and then start to understand it just a little bit better. I like knowns and outcomes. Feelings are my favorite, but sometimes I just need concrete, which leads me to search for answers in places I’m never going to find them. This side of heaven there are things I’ll never know – why people keep bringing me back for final round interviews of jobs that I’m simply not qualified for, is one that I just don’t quite get. Why seemingly good things fall apart is another. The quicker I can abandon my entitlement to know and understand the why, the better off I will be. There are so many things I don’t understand right now, that I’m being forced to embrace the ambiguity that is my life.

I’ve never been good at faking anything. Especially faking being okay. My emotions always give me away. Usually this is really annoying, especially when I’m sad and can’t stop crying, or when I’m just feeling down and the thought of putting on a happy face seems impossible, even if it’s just for a couple hours of work. But, I’m learning that realness and even rawness invites others to be real and raw. I have nothing else to offer the world except me, and the evidence that my life provides to the transforming power of Jesus. The more real I am, the greater Jesus looks to others because they can see just how broken I am, and be encouraged about what it looks like to be loved in spite of that. Being raw encourages authenticity in others.

At this point, I don’t know what next week looks like; I could be starting a new job, or still be at J.Crew. The future is so uncertain that I have to live day by day. I like to plan, but right now, I’m being forced to live in the present. I wake up in the morning and ask Jesus what He has in store for the day. I can’t really worry about the future because I have absolutely no idea what’s going to happen. So I can only really take things one day at a time, and trust that God has the rest under control. Plus, at risk of sounding cynical, this prevents me from getting my hopes up about what the future has to offer. I’m still healing from that one, and very thankful that I get to live here in the present not wishing the future would hurry up and get here already. Life on the strugglebus is teaching me the value of the present and how to make the most of it.

What are you learning in the season you’re in… even if you’re not on the strugglebus? Are you a willing learning, or dragging your feet like me?

Running in Place

Published on September 20, 2014 by Caitlin SnyderLeave a comment

It’s no secret that I love to run. It’s my workout of choice lately. It’s a defense against unhealthy behaviors in my life, a great stress reliever, and quite honestly, a spiritual discipline right now. No matter where I am, I can go running. The only person evaluating my performance is me, and I believe that most days, just going running is a victory. No need to impress anyone, it’s just me, my running shoes, some music and time to think, or not think. Just as God honors showing up, and cares more about our heart that the fruit it produces, I enjoy a run and the freedom it brings me more than I care about how fast I run 4 miles.

That being said, I’ve had fun watch myself get faster as I train more consistently and I enjoy seeing how fast I can run multiple miles. When I was in Bloomington, I would get frustrated when a light wouldn’t turn green fast enough and I would have to run in place at a stoplight, especially if I felt like I was in a rhythm and running pretty well. I only have to cross 2 major streets on my runs around Mason instead of the countless ones I had to cross at school, but there are not stoplights where I cross here, I just have to be patient until the road is clear. Today I was making excellent time on my 4 mile run, and I had a goal in mind, 4 miles in 37 minutes. It was windy and I was tired from running up a hill, only to get to the point where I needed to cross the street and there was a steady stream of cars going both directions. So I ran in place. Man, nothing is as frustrating as running in place. My body would rather rest completely, but that makes getting started so much more difficult. And in that moment, running forward would be devastating; I would have been hit by a car. I had no choice but to run in place as I thought about the decreased likelihood that I would achieve my goal for the day. Most days I feel like I’m running in place. I have a goal and destination in sight, but I’m waiting for things to line up so I can start moving forward again. Some days I just want to throw the towel in and stop completely… running in place feels like a waste of energy. Other days, I’m so eager and ready to go and continue to ensure I meet my goal that I’m willing to make stupid decisions before the time is right.

Yesterday was rough. The Lord convicted me that I don’t want what He wants right now. Even things that I know aren’t good for me are preventing me from experiencing what He has. So I prayed a scary prayer – Lord, let me want to want what You want for me. In the terms of my running metaphor, let me be okay with running in place. Running in place keeps my heart rate up so that I’m ready to go when the time is right; it also conditions my heart to be okay with an elevated heart rate during training, something that will come in handy as I continue to run long distances. I am constantly being reminded that God’s kingdom is not one of moving forward and backward, but instead of moving towards God. While running in place may seem fruitless and pointless, it keeps me prepared and conditions me for when the time is right.