Category: Faith

Someone Else’s Turn

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I’m not heading back to Bloomington this weekend. That fact has brought me close to tears multiple times today. I wouldn’t be at Sweet’n’Low, I don’t get to help target how to reach freshman this fall, I wouldn’t be gathering and following up contacts, and I wouldn’t get to watch as God grabs the hearts of students at IU. When I dream about joining staff with a campus ministry like Cru, part of me wonders if I could handle it, not necessarily the support raising or the full-time ministry aspect, but the transient-ness that comes with working with college students. College is such a short period of a person’s life. Four years. Sometimes three and sometimes five, but then it’s over. My college career, my four years are done. I’m not going back. I’ll be moving to Indianapolis to start the next season, but it’s not college.

freed to be me

There’s a strange peace that has come over me as I’ve prayed through this, I’m sad, but peaceful. In one week, a bright-eyed freshman girl is going to set foot onto IU’s campus with no idea what she wants out of life, and she’s going to search for her place. She’ll try different organizations, and settle on Cru, where she’ll meet people, some of whom have grown up in the church and others who are getting their feet wet with the whole Christianity thing, just like her. Over the next four years, this girl will grow, she’ll face the depth of her sin and the grace that God offers. She’ll make mistakes with boys and develop really meaningful relationships with other girls. She’ll stay up too late, and skip more classes than she ever intended. Most importantly, she’ll get to know Jesus, and what it means to have a relationship with Him, a relationship that will outlast and out-value everything else in her life.

How do I know this? Because that was me. There were girls before me, just like there will be girls after me, whose lives God will change during college. I’m humbled to reflect on the girl I was 4 years ago, and all that God has done in me and through me since I set foot on IU’s campus.

I can’t head back to Bloomington, it’s some one else’s turn. It’s another girl’s turn to wander her way through all the fears of true surrender, to spend countless hours in Wright Food Court, to dream of what revival looks like in her sorority house, to plan discipleships, and to fall madly in love with Jesus. IU saw the good, the bad and the ugly of Caitlin Snyder. It’s beautiful to admit it’s not my time to be in college anymore, it’s someone else’s. I hope and pray that the freshmen stepping onto IU’s campus know how special it is, and that the freshman who find themselves at the Check-Out-Cru meeting next Thursday will let the Gospel transform their hearts. Bloomington is not my home anymore, just as it’s not my Cru movement anymore. And that’s beautiful because it’s someone else’s turn.

Community

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I’ve watched a lot of West Wing this spring and summer. One of my favorite moments in the series occurs between two of the key characters – Josh and Leo. Josh is the deputy chief of staff to the President and Leo is the chief of staff. Leo is a recovering alcoholic and in this episode, Josh is starting to deal with some post-traumatic stress disorder. Josh approaches Leo to thank him for insisting he needed help. Leo uses a metaphor for Josh, including a ditch on the side of the road. Leo speaks of a man being stuck in this ditch, a doctor passes this man in the ditch and offers a man a stethoscope, a priest passes the man in the ditch and says he’ll pray for him, but the man’s friend jumps into the ditch with him. The man says to the friend, what are you doing in here, now we’re both stuck, and the friend replies, “I’ve been here before, I know the way out.”

At one of my last bible studies this past year, all the seniors received the chance to share one piece of advice for the rest of the group. Four days earlier I gave a well-prepared and thought out talk during a Cru meeting on freedom. However, this night, 24 hours after a break-up, I hadn’t really even thought about what I wanted to share with the group. Others had bullet points, I sat in front, and through tears, I vulnerably shared something about making good friends and trying to love people well, in all areas of your life, and especially in your sorority or fraternity.

I’ve struggled with friendships all my life. I place high expectations on myself, and then apply them to others. I look to people for my worth and happiness, which leaves me very unsatisfied. Throughout college, I knew I had a lot of people in my life, but until the end of my senior year and this summer, I never realized just how many were great friends.

Great friends lend you hammers to break things when necessary. Great friends drive you home after you drink an entire bottle of wine. Great friends let you eat their leftovers. Great friends let you cry even when they don’t quite understand why you’re crying. Great friends jump in the ditch with you, to remind you that you’re not alone, and to show you the way out.

Immediately after I did not receive the job I had anticipated receiving, my sister called me and said, “I just want you to know that you’re not alone.” Suffering can be so isolating. I felt like I had nothing to offer others, and was so tempted to withdraw so that I wouldn’t feel guilty taking from them. How easy we believe the lie that healing must be done alone. Yes, some of the wrestling through things with God must be done alone, but a lot of the time, community fosters healing. Friends can listen. Friends can speak truth. Friends can pray.

During a season of transition, I resisted the urge to keep people at an arms length, and instead invited them into the yuckiness that was (and still kinda is) my life. I wondered out loud about God’s goodness. I confessed feelings of inadequacy, uncertainty and depression. It was as if God gave me people to help carry my burden.

I’m learning that friends that stick around during suffering seasons get very excited for you in seasons of abundance. I think some of my closest friends are more excited about my job offer and my move to Indianapolis than I am. They mourned with me when I was mourning and here they are rejoicing with me while I rejoice. These friends jumped right into the ditch with me, and have helped me navigate my way out. That’s what community does. It doesn’t shy away from the painful stuff; it dives right into it, and reminds us of Jesus in the midst of it.

Timing

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I’ve been thinking a lot about timing recently. About how God’s timing is perfect, and yet I still don’t seem to trust it.

Story time: King David and King Solomon, both huge players in the Bible. During David’s reign, he fought a war, making protecting the kingdom his number one priority. Despite David’s mishaps, including committing adultery, fathering a child out of wedlock and then sending the woman’s husband to the front lines of the war to die, David finds favor from God. When the time arrives for David to die, the Lord calls Solomon, David’s son who was fathered out of wedlock, to take over the throne. Let me take a moment to point out, Solomon is the result of David’s sin. David’s selfishness and entitlement led to Solomon being born, and yet, the Lord used Solomon for His glory. If that doesn’t inspire hope, I don’t know what does.

Anyways, David dies and Solomon begins to rule. Almost immediately, Solomon receives instruction from the Lord to build a temple. Solomon writes to Hiram, a king of a neighboring kingdom,

“You know that because of the wars waged against my father David from all sides, he could not build a temple for the name of the lord his God until the Lord put his enemies under his feet. But now the Lord my God has given me rest on every side, and there is no adversary or disaster. I intended, therefore, to build a temple for the Name of the Lord my God, as the Lord told my father David, when he said, “Your son whom I will put on the throne in your place will build the temple for my Name.”  (1Kings 5:3-5)

Despite David’s indiscretions, he loved God. Open up the book of Psalms, and you need not look any further. David wanted to build a temple for the Lord, but instead was stuck fighting a war. By the time Solomon comes into power, he can and does build a glorious temple that reflects the greatness of God. Building this temple took Solomon 7 years.

This story hit home for me when I studied it. David would have looked like a fool if he quit fighting the war to build a temple. Solomon would have looked like a fool if he went looking to fight instead of building a temple. They were uniquely qualified for what God gave them at the time.

I recently accepted a job in Indianapolis. I actually interviewed for the job the end of May and was not the first choice candidate and did not originally receive it. In the meantime, I’ve stayed at home, applied for countless other jobs, worked at J.Crew and rested, learned and healed. If I had gotten this job back in May, I finding somewhere to live would have been difficult, and I would have had no money, and still been so fragile. Instead, 6 weeks later, I can be confident that moving to Indianapolis and accepting this job has been all God and all God’s timing. The roommate situation fell into place, as did my chance to fulfill my management commitment to J.Crew. I keep resting, learning, healing and growing.

God’s timing was perfect in the biblical times, and it continues to be perfect today. I can choose to rest in His plan, purposes and His timing.

The Beauty of Trust

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Yesterday I woke up, served at a food pantry, swung through the Chick Fil-A drive thru, had lunch with sweet Back2Back friends, crafted wedding gifts, made dinner for my family, watched some West Wing, went to Barnes and Noble with my dad and then my mom and I talked about our dreams. It was a beautiful day.

It’s been a beautiful summer.

Life did a number on me in April. I didn’t know how to get back up, let alone if I wanted to. And the hits kept coming. I was pissed at life, pissed at the world, and frankly, pissed at God. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. I was talking with a friend last week whose in a similar place as me, and I shared what I think God says to us in the midst of heart break, confusion and frustration. I think He stares me in the eyes and says, “Caitlin, I know you’re pissed, but do you trust Me? Do you trust that I’m good? I care more about your sanctification than your immediate happiness.” I reluctantly grumbled, “Yes, God, I trust You, or I at least want to.” And a funny thing happened, I started to want to stand up again. Before I knew it, I was walking on my own two feet. Some days I’m back to crawling, but mostly I walk.

When I started to trust God, like really trust Him, I started to see that He knew what was best all along. Each of the three summers I’ve spent in Cincinnati, none of my close friends from school have been here, but this summer, not one, but two of my best friends have been here. What a blessing. That’s been God’s hand in my summer. The relationships I developed last summer at Back2Back have only grown this summer as I spend time with my old co-workers. I’ve even been able to serve at a food pantry in inner city Cincinnati, and pray through what it looks like to be the hands and feet of Jesus to the poor.

My sister called me at school after I didn’t get the job offer I wanted and she said that this summer would be a faith internship. She was right. Day by day the Lord grew my trust in Him. He showed up and showed off during what felt like a season of desperation in my young life.

This summer the Lord wanted me to learn how to trust in His goodness even when every part of my flesh was screaming not to.

This summer the Lord has shown me how He makes even the ordinary things beautiful even when I didn’t want to see beauty in my life.

I hope and pray that my trust in the Lord and His goodness only continues to grow.  I hope and pray that next time life knocks me down, I remember that I’ve been there before and that God is still good. I hope and pray that delight in the ordinary because God has made it beautiful.

Presence and Sovereignty

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“God isn’t waiting at the finish line, He’s here in it with you,” a friend said as he spoke to my Greek Bible study towards the end of school. I broke down in tears as I heard him say that, and tried to internalize the weight of his words (which were a total gift of the Holy Spirit). The words I used to describe how I felt around that time were a little lost and a little broken, so being reminded of God’s presence and sovereignty even in the midst of the chaos of my world moved me to tears. I desperately wanted to believe God was in control, but how could He be when I was in pain? I desperately wanted to believe God’s plan for my life was good, but how could I when my post-college plans quickly went to hell in a hand-basket? It all seemed easier if God wasn’t actually in the midst of it with me, but hovering about 100 feet above me. He could see it happening, but He wasn’t in it, because I thought, if He was in it, then it shouldn’t be happening the way it was.

We all know David of the Bible. King David, author of the book of Psalms, wrestled with God through some hardcore yuckiness. God makes some big promises to David, many of which get fulfilled in David’s son, Solomon, the wisest man to live… a man, I should remind you, who was the result of one of David’s biggest mistakes. So David and Solomon, both men after the Lord’s heart. They pursue righteousness, they are obedient, they are good guys. Then comes Jeroboam and Rehoboam. They’re not so good. Conflict divides the once united kingdom into Israel and Judah. Everything David and Solomon worked towards is destroyed. Generation after generation corrupt kings lead God’s people further away from Him through idolatry. Such is the power of sin.

If I were God, I would have been pissed. I would have retreated to 100 feet above the situation and become a passive observer while my people blatantly disobeyed me. Good thing I’m not God. As I read through 1 Kings 15, I was struck by God’s presence through these dark days of Israel and Judah. He sent people talk to the corrupt kings. He orchestrated deaths of families who were disobedient. And when a just, obedient king came into power, God blessed him. God was it with them. I’m not diminishing my sin, but I will say, my season of transition pales in comparison to the dark days of Israel and Judah. God doesn’t leave His people, even when things suck.

God is both present and sovereign. He knows how the story ends, but He’s here working it all for our good. He’s infinite. He’s in control. The more I immerse myself in who God is, the less daunting my circumstances seem, and the more I can believe He is in control. He wouldn’t leave me, nor will He stop being good. Praise Him!

“Higher than the mountains that I face

Stronger than the power of the grave

Constant through the trial and the change

One thing… Remains

Your love never fails, it never gives up,

It never runs out on me.”

-One Thing Remains, Kristin Stanfill

Here’s to Freedom

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In my pre-Jesus days, I saw Christianity as a religion full of rules. From the outside looking in, Christians appeared to adhere to lots of behaviors that I believed would restrict my “rights” and how I wanted to live my life. Why would someone give up rights? Why would someone want to follow even more rules? As I understand now, I was missing the Gospel in this line of thinking. I was missing Jesus.

I stumbled my way into putting my faith in Jesus my freshman year of college. I struggled, and still do, to put to death my old ways of thinking about Christianity and all the rules. Thankfully, along the way, freedom has been redefined for me.

Freedom in Christ has changed my life.

I am freed from my own sin, in Christ. I am freed from my insecurities, in Christ. I am freed from worldly pressures to make millions, lose weight and create a name for myself, in Christ. I am freed from thinking I can do it all… and acting on that thought, in Christ. I am a hot mess. I am a sinner. I fail to believe the best about people and love them well. But God loved me so much that He refused to let sin be the end of my story.

I’m fortunate enough to live in America, a country that celebrates freedom on this day every year. Freedom is what originally separated America from the rest of the world in the 18th century. Freedom also separates Christianity from many other world religions (because of grace).

The 4th of July is my favorite holiday. It reminds me of just how desperately we all desire to be free. The early Americans were thought to be rebels, but in reality they were freedom fighters. Sick of the rules and regulations of the King of England, they said, “No thanks.” Today and every other day, I can say, “No thanks to my sin,” and instead choose to live in freedom. Contrary to the colonists, I am the very thing that holds me captive. I desperately desire to be free, thankfully in Christ, it’s a decision I can make, and have to make, daily.

So here’s to today, when I can celebrate my freedom as an American, and how that freedom is just a glimpse of my freedom in Christ. #snapsforfreedom

I Matter & You Matter

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In elementary school, I was the only blonde girl in the sea of mostly Asian students at my international school in Japan. In middle school, I stuck out like a sore thumb; I was an early bloomer and towered over everyone, including the boys. In high school, I was way too sure of myself, and got along better with the teachers than the students. Throughout college, I was either the sorority girl who didn’t party, or the Christian girl who dressed and talked like a sorority girl. I’ve never felt like I fit in. Even now, I feel like the only post-grad who is more concerned with making an eternal impact than making money. My insecure self yells at my spirit, “Why don’t you stop being so you so we can fit in more. Don’t you just want to be normal?” It’s the inner Caitlin Snyder tempter tantrum that usually outwardly manifests itself in tears, just like most of my feelings. The biggest lies I fight on a daily basis are: 1) life would be better if you were less you, and 2) who you are does not matter.

Along with desperately wanting to fit in, through the years, I’ve found myself cursing the things that make me uniquely me. Often times, when my insecurities are strong and my flesh seems to be victorious, I start to think my life would be easier if I was less me. If my voice was a little softer, my heart less tender and my mind more focused. As I’ve started to wrestle through some of these lies and insecurities, and put them at the foot of the cross, I’ve heard the Lord say, “Caitlin, because you matter to me, your voice, your heart and your mind matter. Not only do they matter to me, but they also matter to the world. The best gift you have to offer is you.”

My voice, while it cannot carry a tune, is always ready to admit my own imperfection or offer encouragement to someone. My willingness to speak gives others the gift of saying, “Me too,” instead of having to be brave enough to confess something fit. My words are powerful – they can build others up or tear them down, if I’m not careful. My voice matters to the Lord, and my voice matters to the world.

My heart, with scars from broken friendships and unhealthy relationships, is always ready to jump into someone else’s disappointment and sit in it with them. Its tenderness responds to the Lord’s leadings, and is so sensitive to other’s needs. My heart reflects the heart of the Lord, who in scripture is said to “see a crowd of people and have compassion on them.” I never want my heart to stop breaking for the hurting, the lonely and the lost. My heart matters to the Lord, and my heart matters to the world.

My mind, that moves a million miles a minute, is always ready to make a connection across often unrelated situations. Its ability to see the Gospel even in a book written about politics allows the rest of me to remember that Jesus has power over absolutely every area of my life. Despite its inability to process information internally, I’m a verbal processor to the MAX, my mind continually demonstrates the complexity of me. I can put the same amount of thought into the movie Legally Blonde as I can into thinking about the role that black pastors played in the Civil Rights Movement.  My mind matters to the Lord, and my mind matters to the world.

Praise the Lord that there is not another Caitlin Snyder, no one else will see, process or understand the world the same way as I do because of past experiences and my unique identity. But if I’m not going to be the best Caitlin Snyder possible, then the world is going to miss out on my spunky spirit, my passion for freedom and my readiness to declare that I’m a hot mess.

So here’s to you and me – may we stop trying to fit in and give into the reality that the Lord made us special. We’ve been chosen by the King of Kings and Lord of Lords! Our voices, our hearts, our minds and our experiences matter to the Lord, and they matter to the world.

Here

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I like to plan. I like to know what comes next. I like to be able to prepare myself for what comes next. I like these things so much that I can cling to the plan, and lose sight of everything else. In this season of my life, I don’t have a plan. I know I’ll be in Cincinnati through August, and then I don’t know, heck, I don’t even know what I want. That’s a lie. I know I want to walk closely with Jesus, I know I want to bring the Lord glory, I know I want to get involved in good church, and build community, and I want to serve. None of these things involve a career, or getting any closer to a long-term plan.

The funny thing is, I have no doubt in my mind that I’m right where God wants me.

I wake up each morning and I ask Jesus what He has in store for the day, and I get to let Him lead because I have nothing left to lose. The Lord is reminding me each day, multiple times, that His way is better than mine. If I can learn how to let the Lord lead me daily, perhaps I can start to understand what it looks like to let the Lord lead me in the big stuff. If I can be faithful here, in the small things, I can hope and pray that I can be faithful with the big stuff someday. And maybe, just maybe, a lack of knowledge of what I want is exactly what God wants. In super fruitful times, I can forget how sovereign God is, but in seasons where I’m unsure which way is up, His involvement in my life is impossible to ignore. Moments of encouragement and moments of confusion are undeniably of Him. I’m starting to see that His plans for my days are better for me than how I would have planned it myself. Are there some days when I’m angry and disappointed? Yes. I’d be lying if I said no. But, it’s also on those days that the Lord convicts me and refocuses my perspective.

It is here, in this weird transition season of uncertainty that the Lord has challenged me to surrender even the beautiful dreams I had of doing vocation ministry to Him. It’s here that God is rooting through unresolved insecurities and unrepentant sin patterns in order to lead me into further relationship with Him. It is here that I’m learning that no matter what I achieve in this lifetime, even the good stuff, compared to Christ, is a loss. Because Jesus is the ultimate reward; a relationship with Him is the most valuable thing I could even want. Living in God’s plan, fully alive to His leading, is the ultimate goal of my life. Being obedient to Jesus should be the only thing on my bucket list, and the only thing that motivates my decisions should be – is it what God wants for me?

Would it be nice to have a plan at least for the next year? Yes. But compared to the fellowship I’m experiencing with the Lord now, there’s simply no comparison. I am right where God wants me because He is good, and He knows what’s best, and He, not me, has a plan.

Fairy Godfather

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Some days I wish God was my fairy godmother… in correct terms I guess I should say, fairy godfather. I wish He could show up in the midst of my circumstances, wave a magic wand and things would turn out just the way I want them to. I’d call the shots. Even if He would just show up and grant me 3 wishes, all would be right with the world, right?  Wrong. This mindset of mine assumes that I know what’s best. Which is a big fat lie. Even if I knew what was best, my flesh is so strong that I would likely struggle to actually do what is best. So if God isn’t my fairy godfather, and He doesn’t give me wishes, what does He do? This question has rattled through my head a lot over the past 2 weeks.

First, He enters into my suffering. God Himself put on the clothing of humanity and walked around on earth for 33 years. Jesus knows what disappointment feels like. Jesus knows what betrayal feels like. Jesus knows what pain feels like. Because Jesus has entered into my suffering, when I feel down, I can remember that I am not alone; I have a perfect companion along with me, holding my hand as I face each day’s challenges.

Second, in the midst of uncertainty, instead of fixing my problems, God reminds me of my identity. Because my identity is in Christ, nothing about my circumstances can change who I am. I am wholly and dearly loved. I am redeemed. I am free. I am richly given grace. I am hidden in Christ. I share in His inheritance. Nothing can change my identity, instead, The Lord gently reminds me of who I am and what He thinks of me. My immediate circumstances do not change, but instead, I am changed; changed into a woman confident of how God is working and how He will continue to work.

Wishes can be wished, but the constant companionship of Jesus is incomparable. Instead of having a fairy godfather, I have a heavenly Father who is willing to jump into my suffering with me – He doesn’t save me from it, He reminds of who I am and who He is in the midst of it. Unlike a limited number of wishes, Jesus says to me, “I will be with you always, until the very end of the age” (Matthew 28).

Disappointments

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Today, my younger brother, Jake received disappointing news. He’s 12, so the disappointing news was things not working out the way he thought they would with soccer tryouts. Tears were cried and he was disappointed. He came down the stairs after showering with a scowl on his face repeating over and over and over again, “I don’t want to talk about it.” My dad said, “I know you don’t want sympathy, but I also know Cate is the probably the best one to talk to right now.” The beautiful thing about this place I am right now is that I understand, maybe better than ever before, other people’s disappointments. Because I feel so raw, I also feel very ready to jump into other people’s sadness. I just kept saying to Jake, “We’re so proud of you. We’re so proud of who you are and what you stand for. We’re just so proud of you.” When you’re unsure how you feel, discouraged or even disappointed, hearing that the people that love you still love you no matter what, and more than that, are proud of you, is all you need to hear. I cried like a baby on graduation day when my mom looked in my eyes and told me she was proud of me, because I needed to hear the truth from someone close to me, since I was struggling to believe it for myself.

I have seen community come alive to me in the past couple of weeks. I was sharing with my sister just how cared for I feel by people. My parents’ friends have offered to send my resume to their employers, friends have introduced me to opportunities, co-workers at J.Crew have asked me how the job search is coming; I’m incredibly blessed. In different words, my community has rally around me and reminded me that they’re here for me, that they love me, and that it’s all going to be okay.

We live in such a broken world. And Jesus entered into it. He entered into the pain, suffering and uncertainty of our world. Because He loves us. I try to walk with Jesus and follow His example, sometimes entering into other people’s pain, suffering and uncertainty.  As Jake headed up to bed tonight, I said to him, “I wish I could tell you the feeling of hurt, rejection and inadequacy wouldn’t ever happen again, but it will.” I’m oh so encouraging, right? “But, remember who you are and just how loved you are, it will be okay.” It’s all we can say when others are hurting. It wouldn’t be okay because it will go away, which it will, but because of Jesus. He left heaven to enter into the crap we experience. His willingness and triumph remind us that we’re not alone, that we’re loved no matter what, and that if we are followers of Christ, we’re to remind each other of those two truths, even when the recipient is having difficulty believing the truth.