Freedom in my Brokenness

Today’s blog is by one of my best friends. Chris is wise and a GREAT friend. 

If you were to come to my city, Las Vegas, the first thing you would see is the Strip. That four-mile stretch of well-lit hotels, casinos, and bars that is world-renown for providing excess in whatever you could want. However, if you ventured off the Strip with me to “normal Vegas”, you’d find normal grocery stores, normal banks, and normal restaurants. The one thing you might not find “normal” is our neighborhoods. Instead of nice picket fences surrounding houses, you’d find concrete walls. This interesting façade indicates an uglier truth of Vegas: loneliness. We don’t just lead the nation in addiction and suicide because of our casinos, but because of our walls.

We all put walls up when we’re scared or insecure. The problem with walls is they not only hold fear and insecurity in, but also keep intimacy and friendship out. The kind of friendship that lets you relax and that lasts through storms. Although I wouldn’t ask him for marital advice, the biblical figure, Solomon, has great things to say about tearing walls down and building friendship up. Here are three things I’ve learned from him about cultivating lasting friendships:

1. Friendship Is Fundamental –  ⁹Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: ¹⁰If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. – Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

You’ve probably heard this verse most often at a Christian wedding, but I love it for friendship! Solomon takes common imagery of the day and advocates friendship is both effective and safe. However, he uses the word “pity” for anyone who doesn’t have that bond. The first step in cultivating lasting friendships is the desire for them. Otherwise, your pursuit for them will dwindle at the first sign of resistance.

1. Friendship Is Found – Ointment and perfume delight the heart, And the sweetness of a man’s friend gives delight by hearty counsel. – Proverbs 27:9

Today, anything can be made sweet. Even the most bitter drink (coffee, in my opinion) can be made sweet (see: Frappuccino). What’s interesting about this verse, though, is when Solomon penned it sugar had not yet been discovered. That means anything that was sweet in Solomon’s day was not made, but found. He says friendships are similar. There must be some common value, interest, or experience that you build a friendship upon. Don’t hear me say complete similarity is necessary, but there must be a base of commonality.

I pastor a church in Las Vegas and one of my best friends here is Emaurie, our worship pastor. I like sports; he’s artistic. I’m from the suburbs; him the city. I’m Type A…he’s definitely not. I teach; he sings. I have a buzz cut; he sports dreads. But yet there’s a deep friendship between us. It’s one founded on love for Jesus and expanded on the shared experience pursuing Him in a dark city. CS Lewis said, “Friendship … is born at the moment when one man says to another “What! You too? I thought that no one but myself”.

1. Friendship Is Forged – Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses. – Proverbs 27:5-6

This might be the most foregone point of the three because today, we tolerate least what offends us most. However, I’ve found an absolutely essential key to cultivating lasting friendships is healthy conflict. The picture of a blacksmith comes to mind as he “forges” metal. Every time he swings the hammer into the distressed steel, it gets stronger. What would happen if he swung his hammer at distressed glass, though? Would it get stronger? Of course not, because the chemical compound in steel promotes strength in conflict, while that of glass promotes a shattering. Choosing friendships forged in steel means all parties allow constructive criticism and refuse to move into offense from it. This is possible only when you know the other person loves and has your best in mind. And that reality lived out in friendship opens you both up to the refining process of healthy conflict!

I want my life to be void of walls that bring loneliness and full of lasting friendships that bring life.

Right now many women on Facebook are going public about the sexual assault they’ve experienced. When I woke-up this morning and checked Facebook, I was stunned by all the women sharing about their experiences. Being in a sorority and on a college campus in the 2000’s, I heard countless stories about friends who were victims of sexual assault. It happens everywhere; not just on college campuses, but it is definitely prevalent there. These stories are not new to me, but when you see such a large number of people in your network sharing, it’s overwhelming. It’s truly an epidemic.

They’re posting two words: Me too. Some are sharing more details or that it wasn’t just once. It’s not just millennial women either. Truly, they aren’t just women. Sexual assault and harassment victimizes men, too. We all lose when we pretend it isn’t happening and when victims are afraid of speaking out. Especially in terms of sexual assault and abuse, it’s usually a silent suffering. It is often shameful for a victim to speak about it. That’s why most women stay quiet.

But today, on a very public platform, they’re telling of their experience. They are sharing because someone else went first. The first woman (or man) to speak gave them the gift of going second; the opportunity to say, “Me too.”

Today it’s about sexual abuse and assault. October is infant loss and miscarriage awareness month, so women are sharing about that, too. It’s lonely when you think you’re the only one with that experience. Then the loneliness can lead to shame. You can begin to believe that your experience is unique, and you’re the only one. But when others start talking, and you realize that you’re not alone, you become more confident in sharing about your experience. You then free others up to do the same, knowing that you’ll be met with acceptance, and not judgment.

Thankfully I don’t have a personal sexual assault story or an infant loss or miscarriage story. But friends close to me do. Even if it’s not the exact same experience, when they’ve shared,

I’ve become more courageous about sharing about my deep hurts, too.

Vulnerable friendship gives that gift. The gift of saying, “Me too.”

Friends who have shared about the struggle to become pregnant have allowed me to share about waiting in my singleness without feeling shame about my own longings. Instead of living in isolation about whatever I’m walking through, I can choose to share and be met with acceptance and love.

It’s tempting to live in surface level friendships with people, but relationships where you bear each other burdens and invite your friends to do the same are where friendship is best. If we really want to fight against loneliness, it’s vital that we share the deep parts of our heart, even it’s hurt and pain.

It’s been devastating to see the stories shared today. It will continue to be difficult to hear them. But there is great power in sharing not only to create awareness, but also to connect vulnerably with others.

If you were on death row, and were about to eat your last meal, what would you want to eat?

Follow-up: Why would you be on death row?

How do you give and receive love?

What are you asking God for?

What are words that you want to be true of you?

Follow-up: What needs to change for that to be true?

What’s saving your life right now?

How do you know that I really love you?

How do you most experience God? (In community, in worship, in nature, etc.)

What are five things that are always in your fridge?

What’s one of your favorites? (Favorite anything.)

If you won the lottery, what’s the first place you would shop?

Next year looks better because…

I’m most like my mom/dad because…

What’s the best news you’ve heard this week?

If you would have one meal with any person dead or alive, who would it be?

What did you want to be when you grew up?

What would you super power be?

I want to be taken more serious in the following area…

What do you dream of doing?

What would your best friend say about you?

What’s a great story that best defines who you are or who you want to be?

I come by my love of both friendship and vacation honestly. Growing up overseas in a tight-knit expat community, almost every vacation we took were taken with other families. Not only did we vacation together, but we went to school with and lived in the same apartment building as most of my parents’ best friends. In a 31 floor apartment building, we didn’t have to travel far to spend time with one another.

In so many ways, it was like being in college, with late nights and the intimate friendships that you can only build when you see each other multiple times a week and often without make-up on. Once you add in the way that a shared expat experience bonds families together because you literally don’t have anyone else to lean on, my friendship expectations were doomed to be unrealistic.

But truly one of my favorite parts of living in Japan was traveling with other families. I cannot remember my family’s time in Malaysia, Indonesia, Guam or Saipan without remember the other families who we traveled with. The people who brought my family meals after my dad’s open heart surgery were our “Japan Friends.” Traveling with others does something special to a friendship that can rarely be replicated in real life. It creates a bond that’s stronger than you dreamed it could be. 

I saw this happen with my family’s friends, but I’ve also seen it happen with my friends.

Two years out of college, a group of us invited quite a few friends who we knew from school on a week long vacation. That first year, eleven people stayed in a Florida beach house as we started a new tradition.

We had themed dinners, dance parties in the kitchen, wore our matching t-shirts, had a star contest and made sure we were all tagging our photos with a pre-determined hashtag. But, more important were the conversations around the breakfast table and the sharing that happened at our Monday morning “Family Time” where each person talked about what they were walking through, and we prayed for them individually.

Friendcation, as it’s come to be known, has truly changed us. There’s no escaping each other now, we’ve vacationed together. We know what happens when someone doesn’t get enough sleep, who is most likely to get sunburnt on the first day (me!), and who makes sure the coffee pot never stops brewing coffee in the morning. There’s a true vulnerability is sharing a house with friends for a whole week. 

You can bring your best self to a weekend getaway, but it’s harder to fake it for a whole week. Vacation removes the filters of busyness, social media and the comfort of home. You have no choice but to be authentic around people who you’re sharing a kitchen and bathroom with. 

Our vacationing together has given us the gift of being known not just who we were in college, or who we are right now, but who we hope to become. It’s so special to have these friends know me so intimately that they call me to be a better person when I forget what I’m working towards. They anchor me in who I am and remind me who I hope to become. They bear witness to my life. 

I can quite get enough of personality tests. I’m obsessed. I could talk about Enneagram and Myers Briggs until I’m blue in the face. Chances are, I’ve tried to figure out your Myers Briggs letters in our first couple interactions.

There has been a lot of research done about the role that our personalities play in our relationships – romantic and otherwise. Smart people have all types of theories about which types are most compatible.

I believe that personality tests have their place in helping us understand ourselves. I wouldn’t be obsessed with them if I didn’t. Knowing my personality type (ENFP & Ennegram 7) has helped me better know how I’m wired, and why I respond the way I do to certain situations. But, I also think we can use our personality to let us off the hook for developing meaningful relationships.

Introverts need companionship just as much as extroverts do. Humans are relational beings, and desire interaction with others. An introvert may leave a social gathering tired and in need of alone time, but that does not mean that he should avoid attending parties. It simply means that he needs to be aware of how he recharges — alone time — and plan accordingly.

Extroverts should also be cognizant of how much time they spend with others. Quality time to connect with friends is not the same as spending a lot of time with them. While the temptation may be to have all your favorite people in one place — I speak from personal experience — having them all in one room doesn’t mean that you’ve actually deepened the relationship. It may serve an extrovert’s friendships better to devote time to coffee dates or smaller gatherings.

Personality types can be key in self-development, but they should never be an excuse for unintentional relationships.

We have to be so careful that we don’t allow our personality type or even our preferences prevent us from making new friends and deepening existing friendships.

I’ve lived with over a hundred women. No, I’m not the worst roommate who sends others running for the hills, nor do I move frequently. I’m actually a fairly normal twenty-something. I lived with one hundred other female students in a sorority house for two years in college, and then shared a picturesque college town house with four of the same sorority sisters. I then moved into an apartment with two roommates right after I graduated. They were both engaged within a year, so two new women moved in. I now live in an adorable bungalow with three other friends.  

My roommates have seen a side of me that few other friends have seen. They know that my purple fleece pants are my favorite item of clothing for laying on the couch, that I’d rather not speak to anyone until at least nine in the morning, that I don’t love to work-out with other people and that nothing sounds better to me after going to the gym than eating Chick Fil-A.

I’m far from a perfect roommate. I’m pretty messy, I am a verbal processor, I can keep weird hours and I covet alone time, but I like to think that I’ve learned some important lessons along the way. While others have worked towards living alone, I’ve grown to see the benefits of living with others.

Choose When to Speak Up

I currently live with three other girls. While we care about each other, one small annoyance about Roommate A expressed to Roommate B can turn ugly quickly. Unfortunately, that’s the nature of gossip. Some annoyances are good to speak up about, but others will be quickly forgotten. It’s important to know the difference. When I’m frustrated it helps to remind myself that if I don’t want to confront a roommate about something directly, then I need to drop it and move on. 

Learn What Each Roommate Values

I spent months worrying that the messy bathroom upset my roommate, but did not think twice about leaving my cereal bowl in the sink. Then after asking her, I found out that the dirty bathroom didn’t bother her, but keeping the kitchen clean was of the highest importance. It’s been a win, win situation because I can focus my efforts on what matters most to her, and worry less about toothpaste residue in the sink.  

Learning what a roommate values goes beyond knowing that she likes a clean kitchen. Like you would with a good friend, seek to learn what your roommates like after a hard day at the office – coming home to quiet or going out for dinner. Nothing shuts me down quicker than voicing my frustrations and a roommate responding with advice. When I’m frustrated, I don’t want someone telling me what to do; I either want empathy or silence. Getting to know your roommates, asking intentional questions and observing their reactions to different situations will help you better care for them.

Communicate Your Expectations

Home should be a safe space; a place where your needs are met, and where you can experience rest. This cannot happen unless you are open with your roommates about personal space, cleanliness standards and boundaries when it comes to sharing food. Some roommates set ground rules at the beginning of living together to clearly set out rules or expectations. Depending on your home’s need for structure, it may be helpful to write out these rules and post them in a public place.

The following topics should be discussed either leading up to moving in together or in the first month: overnight visitors, noise levels, cleaning responsibilities and paying bills.

Ask For Forgiveness

You will inevitably break a wine glass, shrink a favorite shirt, forget to take the trash out or hurt a roommate’s feelings. Believe me, I’ve done all of the above. Be quick to apologize. Some apologies are easier than others. Our homes are where we are able to live out grace, to apologize and to forgive. If you learn to practice forgiveness with those closest to you, this practice will follow into other areas of your life.

Seek To Out Love One Another

It’s human nature to want to make household responsibilities fair. In every living situation I’ve been in, during a hard week, someone starts keeping score. It sounds something like this:

 “I’ve taken the trash out the past four weeks.”

“No one else ever empties the dishwasher.”

“Roommate A always leaves her dirty dishes on the coffee table.”

Full disclosure: that someone who keeps score is often me. Unless your roommate is the worst, chances are, he or she is doing things that you are unaware of. No one wins when you keep score. Instead, make it your goal to serve more, love bigger.  Like forgiveness, servant-heartedness will follow you into your office and into your church.

If enjoying the roommate experience sounds a lot like being a good friend, that’s because it is! Hopefully you like spending time with the person who you are living with so it is fun, and you are able to build a friendship. Whether it’s a short-term or long-term experience, living with a roommate can be a great experience when you adopt the correct attitude and desire to make the most of it.