When I thought about coming on project, I imagined quiet times everyday that would make me cry. The painful refinement, a lot of “ah-ha moments” – the ones when things finally make sense, and constant visible growth. Two weeks later, I haven’t cried, I haven’t felt the painful refinement, but today at church, I had one of those “ah-ha moments”. Let me explain. I have certain behaviors that lead me very easily into sin issues. When I’m in a group of people – especially mixed gender groups – I tend to compete with the girls. I like to be the center of attention. It’s not always overtly obvious, but that’s usually my heart’s desire. This tendency gets me in trouble. If I’m not the center of attention, resentment builds towards the person who is. In the past, I would then usually gossip about this person, thinking it made me look better. Oh goodness. In the past year, I’ve seen growth in this area. The gossip has decreased, but the feelings still exist. Those feelings can hold me captive and put me in bondage.
Today, at church, we were singing the song that includes the lines, “On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand”. For some reason, I started to have one of those “ah-ha moments”. When I constantly compare myself to others, I sink in the sand – I sink into entitlement, pride and self-centeredness. However, when I stand on Christ, or choose to believe what He says is true about me, I choose to believe the best in others. I see others as greater than myself – I’m not the center of the story, He is the center of the story, I’m simply a small part. Further, God doesn’t just want me to stop gossiping, or not vocalizing these feelings, He wants me to completely break free of the desire to compare myself to others. He wants me to remember that even when I’m not the center of attention, or if I’m never the center of attention again, He still loves me. He calls me His daughter, He loves me, and He is pleased with me.
I don’t really like this verse, but it always seems so applicable to my life, including now; Romans 12:2 says, “Do not conform to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind”. The renewing of our minds is what transforms us. In my current struggle, as I ask God to change my mindset, and renew my mind, my behavior and feelings will start to be transformed. If I just fake it, true transformation does not occur. This is a continual, never-ending process. When I get down on myself, I ask God to remind me where He’s brought me from, and He reminds me that no matter where I am in this process, He is well-pleased with me.