Today as I walk around campus I’m wearing bright green rain boots and a khaki trench coat. My outfit to me describes this balance that I’m trying to figure out as a 20 year old. My boots seem adolescent, like I’m trying to remember the freshman that bought these boots with high hopes of college. But my coat is the woman I’m heading towards – a more mature woman who wants to present herself as if she has it all together. These two distinct personalities in me have been fighting for domination ever since this past summer.
On any given day, I wish I no longer had to go to class and wish I could just move home and have my parents take care of me again. I feel like twenty is a weird age to be because as a college student, my parents are still paying for school and supporting me, but I’m forced to take care of myself on a day-to-day basis. While I love being independent, responsibility is not always my favorite thing. This summer, while living in Chicago I got a taste of what it feels like to be a grown-up, and I’m not completely sure I like it. Being 20 is a funny thing. It’s like a constant transition. I feel like I’m constantly doing something differently, learning a different life lesson, and walking by faith.
So much of my life I’ve been able to learn from watching other people or have people guide me through things. Not so right now. I feel like a trailblazer in my life. I’m in some undefined roles which not much structure. As I lay in bed starting to wake up in the morning, I just ask God tto be gentle with me. I never know if I’m going to feel like the girl wearing green rain boots or the woman wearing the trench coat – or both at the same time. I just have to trust that God is going to lead me in the right direction. And He will. He hasn’t led me astray yet, and I believe He wouldn’t.
The most difficult thing is that I don’t know what I want. I can’t decide if I would rather rewind or fast-forward, but what I know is that I’m struggling to be where I am. It’s on days like today when I’m learning to walk by faith and not by sight. I don’t usually know what the day is going to provide, let alone what the next year of my life is going to look like, but I do know that God is good. I may not be able to decide between the boots or the coat, but I do know that God is faithful. God’s promises are true, no matter how I’m feeling. So each day I’ll ask God to empower me to walk by faith, wearing my bright green rain boots and my khaki trench coat at the same time.