This week has been rough. Like super strugglebus, I just want to be off of it. There’s some sin that I want to see disappear, like have my brain not even see it as an option. As rough as it’s been, I’m feeling very much like Simon Peter in John 6. After Jesus makes numerous claims, many of his followers left him feeling like the expectations were too high. And let’s be honest, some days I feel the same way. Life is hard. But, Jesus turns to His twelve disciples and says “You do not want to leave too, do you?” and Simon Peter’s response is “Lord, to whom shall we go?” (John 6:67-68). Right now I’m at my breaking point, I haven’t been able to stop crying, but despite the temptation, I’m not going to walk away because I have no where to go.
I have no idea what the next step in a lot of the crap I’m struggling through is, but I know that I am more loved that I can ever imagine. Despite the fact that I feel like I’m drowning, I know I serve a good God. I’ve seen His goodness, I see His goodness even on the days like yesterday and today when I can’t stop crying and because of that I can’t walk away. It’s only Tuesday and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and wish the week away, but that’s not what God wants of me right now. In all the crap, I’m having to depend on God in so many new ways, but as I told my discipler today, if this is part of God getting me to rely on Him for constant strength I take it. I’ll take the tears and the heartache if it makes God more famous and more exalted in my life. Even if I had the option of skipping the sanctification, I still choose it because as Simon Peter said, “To whom shall we go”?
My prayer is that I’m constantly reminded of my desperate need for a savior. I can’t do it on my own. Surrender is something that requires the Holy Spirit. Sanctification sucks. But that’s the only route I’m willing to take because Jesus said I’m worth in His brutal death on the cross. He chose me, so I’ll choose Him back. Even when it’s not easy. Even when praying and communion with Him means more tears. He said I’m worth it and I’m going to attempt to believe it, today and tomorrow … and hopefully the next day too.