Hi, my name is Caitlin and I’m a recovering perfectionist. I’ve learned to keep my room a little messy and try not to always plan out every single detail, but deep down in my heart, the expectations I place on myself can be suffocating. It started as a little girl and has manifested itself in so many ways over the years. As a 23 year old, I’m starting to learn just how deep the habit of perfection is rooted in my heart.
This month I’m creating space in my head and heart for grace. It is five-letter word that I like to think I love, but in reality, scares the crap out of me. Grace says that the striving for perfection tendencies that I have spent two decades clinging to should be throw on the ground and stomped all over. Grace says I don’t have to kill myself trying because it’s already been achieved. Grace challenges my lifestyle, my mindset and what I spent a majority of my years building my life on.
I know that following Jesus is worth it, and I can’t follow Jesus without letting grace sink deeper into my heart, which will in turn continue to challenge my default operation mode. In learning that this lifestyle I’m living – of achievement, comparison and constant rush – is contrary to the rich, full life that Christ has in store for me. The first step towards change is grace. Grace towards myself, which will empower space for grace to move more fully and permanently into the deep dark places of my heart.
Giving and receiving grace is as crucial as the art of breathing. So this month, I’m learning how to breathe again, so the air is getting where it needs to get and keeping my body functioning. Instead of urgent dog pants, I want a relaxed breath of peace. And it starts with grace.