Author: Caitlin Snyder

True life, I’m the girl who wants to quit as things start to get hard. I’m not kidding. If it’s getting difficult and I don’t see a great solution as to how to improve the situation, I want out. I daydream about getting out. My senior year of college, in September, I asked the Lord if I could be done with one of my leadership positions. I was 9 months into a 12-month role. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve heard something from the Lord, but standing in worship on this Thursday evening, I heard God say, “Caitlin, if you think this is the hardest thing you’re ever going to do, you’re sorely mistaken. Stay faithful.” In other words, “I know this is difficult, but believe me, it’s preparing you for harder things in the future. Stay in it and stay faithful.” I wanted permission to quit. To walk away with my dignity intact, being able to say that I did my best, but that wasn’t quite worth it, and God’s response, was, “Stay faithful.” I wish I could tell you the next 3 months were a breeze, but I can’t. In fact, some parts of it got worse. But, God used that experience to bring reconciliation. I look back on at experience and think not of the bad, but of everything good that came out of it, and it is worth it.

I had a similar experience this fall. Things were tough. A great friend told me to honor a commitment I made to the Lord, and some days, I did not know why I was even doing that. There were tears. There were phone call vent sessions. There was fear, insecurity and yuck coming out of my heart during the month of August. It was dark. And yet, in the midst of all of it, I remembered the Lord’s previous words to me, “I know this is difficult, but believe me, it’s preparing you for harder things in the further. Stay in it and stay faithful.” God is faithful, I must be faithful. Today was one of the best days I’ve had in my 13 months of living in Indianapolis, and to think it was great because of something I almost walked away from. Stubbornness, entitlement, frustration and exhaustion are the worst combination. They are the enemy of faithful endurance. They work against the perseverance God desires to cultivate in me and in you.

There are times when the Lord calls us away from beautiful things, and times when He calls us away from bad things. The hardest are when He calls us to stick it out, to finish it out, even when every part of our flesh is screaming to walk away, with our dignity still intact. If it’s ever a battle between my dignity and God’s glory, the likelihood is that God wants to remind me that humility is valued in His kingdom, not high accomplishments. He is the God who endured torture and humiliation to declare that love wins.

I do not deserve to see the fruit of sticking with something that I wanted to walk away from. Instead, because of God’s grace, He allows me to see the benefit because He strengthened me enough to get through it. Staying faithful always proves worth it because He has called me is faithful. God is faithful, I must be faithful.

Unlike some of my friends, I didn’t spend my four years of college planning for the job I wanted once I graduated. I was focused on everything but graduating. Looking back, I think it had something to do with not wanting to graduate. Come senior year spring and suddenly I did not know what I wanted to do or where I wanted to go. Every one kept telling me that there were endless opportunities and yet I could not even decide what to pursue. Many tears were cried in the month leading up to graduation and the month after. I cried an entire drive home from Indianapolis to Cincinnati one Wednesday afternoon as I returned from a job interview feeling hopeless and confused, unsure where I was headed. Perhaps it would have served me better to plan better for the future throughout college, including picking a more practical major. I did love my sociology major though, and most importantly, it was an easy enough major that I was able to spend a majority of time doing everything besides schoolwork.

By crazy twists and turns, I ended up in Indianapolis working at a really cool job and living with two awesome roommates four months after graduating from IU. Indianapolis was partially one of the first grown up decisions I made, but it was also an opportunity I just stumbled into. Once God said, “go,” I took a huge step of faith, accepted a job offer, packed up my CR-V and moved. Today, as I drove down Fall Creek Drive and headed into work, the leaves were a pretty fall color and I thought about how thankful I am that I ended up here. In Indianapolis.

When I think about God’s grace and how He reveals it to me, my life in Indianapolis is Exhibit A. I did not do anything to deserve the church, my jobs and the community I have here, and yet God has gifted them to me. All I can do is offer them back at His feet, acknowledging that they are all a gift.

God has shown up again and again in this sweet city I call home. As I’ve learned my way around the North side, ran a half-marathon, experienced Indy 500 weekend, found some favorite restaurants, planned happy hours, tried out a couple churches and found one church home, I continue to praise God for the life I am able to build here because of His grace.

Instead of dwelling and wondering what would have happened if I had picked a different major or walked through open doors instead of redirecting when doors shut, I can be confident of God’s goodness in leading me to Indianapolis – for His glory! His grace does not and will not mislead us.

“And he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out to him and find him, though he is not far from each of us.” -Acts 17:26-27

This is a great workout song, but it is also a wonderful reminder that in the midst of the struggle, Jesus will be victorious! Hope has won! When I’m able to slow down, create the smallest bit of space and lift my eyes to God, I’m reminded that He will be victorious in the end.

Do I believe that God will show up?

How about a year in when things are more difficult?

How about three years later, still struggling with similar issues?

I want to say that no matter how long I’ve been waiting for whatever it may be – healing, freedom, reconciliation – that I will not waiver in my belief that God is a god who provides.  Reality check: I want to bail when things get tough, or when He doesn’t show up on my timeline. I want to throw a party – a pity party. I wallow. I cry. I’m just like Sarah, who when God did not prove faithful on His promise to her and Abraham on her self-created timeline, went out and fixed the problem on her own, messing everything up further. Waiting creates an idolater out of me. I long to put myself on the throne, especially when I am not confident that God will prove faithful to His promises on the timeline that I have set.

A sweet friend paraphrased a workshop she was listening as we chatted on my drive home yesterday. She shared that the speaker said, “Get your eyes off the clock and onto Jesus.” When my eyes focus on the clock, I get so tunnel visioned, I cannot see what is going on around me. I also become obsessive, and am irritated on how long God is taking to fulfill His promise to me. There is no timeline for getting over heartbreak, staying a job that is difficult, or kicking an addiction. We can simply take each day at a time. I know that God is good and He desires to fulfill His promises to me. He wants me to live a life of true freedom, but on this journey, I am my own worst enemy. I want to know when. When will the tears stop, when will the frustration end, when will I be able to always resist the temptation. Instead of growing weary, I must shift my focus. From when, to who. Jesus.

I know how the story ends. Jesus will be victorious over all. Every knee will bow and every tongue will confess that He is Lord. In the midst of everyday struggles that seem to go on and on, I can shift my focus to the one thing that truly will endure forever. From the clock, to the King of the Ages. Around me, in the midst of the heartbreak, loneliness, frustration, despair and confusion, God is fulfilling His promises to me, on His timeline. If I can shift my focus from the clock to Jesus, I will be able to see everything that He is doing around me, and rejoice in those provisions, even if they aren’t exactly what I’m waiting for.

Not only is He fulfilling His promises to me, but He extends grace to me in the waiting. When I am frustrated and want to run in the other direction, His grace strengthens me. In the middle of trials, God is gracious enough to empower me to shift my focus from the clock to Himself. God has been faithful 100% of the time, but not always, or really ever, on my timeline. As soon as I can look away from the clock and focus on Him, my priority will not be my messed up timeline, but instead rejoicing in His faithfulness.

Grace: God’s unmerited favor

I see God’s grace most clearly in my relationships. I did not do a thing to deserve the friends in my life. It is a privilege to have so many close, dear friends spread out across the country. I cherish those who are Team Caitlin and to care for me so well. I can’t quite put into works how thankful I am to have deep relationships with so many quality women and men. So today I’ll let someone else’s words speak how I feel.

“Friendship is an opportunity to act on God’s behalf in the lives of the people that we’re close to, reminding each other who God is. When we do the hard, intimate work of friendship, we bring a little more of the divine into daily life. We get to remind one another about the bigger, more beautiful picture that we can’t always see from where we are.”

-Shauna Niequist

Every Thursday, I meet with my friend from church and we talk through what God is doing in our lives and she trains me on some material that our church is passionate about people being knowledgeable on. This morning we were talking about what she called roadblocks, but I’ve previously heard them called defeater beliefs. Defeater beliefs are the ideas that keep people from believing in the Bible, become Christians or moving forward in their faith. She asked me, “Why Christianity?” What she was really asking was — out of all the religions, spiritual practices and ways to heaven and a higher power, why am I sold on Christianity.

I responded quickly, “Grace.” I am sold out for the Christianity thing because of grace. In my 18 years of life leading up to giving my life to Christ and in the 5 years since, I have not come across another religion that is built on the idea of grace. A lot of people will admit that they are bad, fallen, not perfect, but the natural response to this “brokenness” is to simply work harder. “If I work harder, I will be able to be good enough.” “If I do enough good things, they will outweigh the bad that I’ve done.” “Come on, I’m not really that bad.” I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you are just that bad. And so am I. God set such a high standard for us that we could not meet it ourselves. No amount of good works can get us there. No matter if you go to church every day for the rest of your life, you’re not getting to heaven on your accord. Sounds pretty depressing, right?

Well, until grace comes onto the scene in the form of Jesus Christ.He lived the perfect life, rebelling against the religious leaders of His time, dying a brutal death on the cross. By living the perfect life, Jesus is able to pay the penalty for our sins. All of our sins are paid for, so there’s no need to work ourselves to death trying to make up for our shortcomings. Instead, because of grace, we can spend our lives living in gratitude to the one who paid the price. I’ve put all my eggs in the Christianity basket, I’ve built my life on the promises of the Bible, because of grace. I don’t trust myself to get there on my own, thankfully God made a way. That’s the only thing that makes sense for me — grace.

Today, after I finished my run on the treadmill, I walked upstairs at our apartment gym and started lifting weights. Even though I consider myself in pretty good shape, the past month has been busy and working out has not been at the top of my priority list. As I was doing bicep curls, I was cringing because I felt out of practice, like I was out of the habit of working my muscles in that way.

Some seasons I move very fast, other seasons I’m in a better habit of moving more intentionally and creating space for God to move. In seasons when I’m moving fast, as I try to put the breaks on, it’s a similar feeling to my muscles burning as I lift weights. As I try to learn more about grace and breathe deeper breaths, an action that does not come naturally to me, my muscles are burning; they are being asked to act in a way that is strengthening them in the long term, but hurting them in the present. Just like I love how defined my arm muscles are when I’m working out regularly, I love how present God feels when I take time to slow down and enjoy Him.

But it takes practice. Can’t I just be there now, God? My soul aches to know and experience You more, but this process of slowing down is just difficult. I’m being asked to say no to things that are good, they’re just not of You. I’m re-evaulating my priorities and starting to understand that they don’t honor you right now. Can’t I just skip to the good stuff? Can I see the fruit of my labor? But practice makes perfect. Maybe in this situation, it wouldn’t make perfect, but it will make You more present, Lord.

Practice leads to greater presence.

Building space into my day for grace is a practice. I’m out of it. But, I’m easing back into it. I’m slowing myself down, even though I don’t feel like I have time for it. I’m seeking the Lord to direct me. I’m asking Him what exercises will get me there. And hopefully, just like consistent work-outs leave me less sore, the practice of slowing down and letting God lead will allow more space for grace and the presence of God more clearly.