Grace Like Breathing

Published on by Caitlin SnyderLeave a comment

Hi, my name is Caitlin and I’m a recovering perfectionist. I’ve learned to keep my room a little messy and try not to always plan out every single detail, but deep down in my heart, the expectations I place on myself can be suffocating. It started as a little girl and has manifested itself in so many ways over the years. As a 23 year old, I’m starting to learn just how deep the habit of perfection is rooted in my heart.

This month I’m creating space in my head and heart for grace. It is five-letter word that I like to think I love, but in reality, scares the crap out of me. Grace says that the striving for perfection tendencies that I have spent two decades clinging to should be throw on the ground and stomped all over. Grace says I don’t have to kill myself trying because it’s already been achieved. Grace challenges my lifestyle, my mindset and what I spent a majority of my years building my life on.

I know that following Jesus is worth it, and I can’t follow Jesus without letting grace sink deeper into my heart, which will in turn continue to challenge my default operation mode. In learning that this lifestyle I’m living – of achievement, comparison and constant rush – is contrary to the rich, full life that Christ has in store for me. The first step towards change is grace. Grace towards myself, which will empower space for grace to move more fully and permanently into the deep dark places of my heart.

Giving and receiving grace is as crucial as the art of breathing. So this month, I’m learning how to breathe again, so the air is getting where it needs to get and keeping my body functioning. Instead of urgent dog pants, I want a relaxed breath of peace. And it starts with grace.

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An Introduction to October

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I spend about an hour in my car a day. Thirty minutes to work and thirty minutes home. I have always known that I struggle with road rage, but I’ve noticed that it is getting worse. Today, when someone was going under the speed limit, I got angry and thought some inappropriate things about the driver. A driver who I’ve never met and probably did not deserve to be on the receiving end of the unkind thoughts simply because I did not approve with his or her driving. There are a million excuses that I could make, but simply stated, I am in a constant state of rush in my life that I’ve become unable to live room for grace.

Over the next 31 days, the month of October, I’m going to be writing every day on grace. It may only be a couple words, or a quick reflection on a Bible verse, but this month, I want to better see the ways that God is weaving grace into the ordinary, every day moments of my life.

I am prayerfully seeking that the Lord would grow my patience and decrease the rush in my life. And if by Halloween, I get less angry when people don’t go the speed limit on I-465, it will be an added bonus.

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Monday Lovin’

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My 13 year old brother made a public declaration that Jesus is the Lord of his life this weekend. Watching Jake get baptized was one of the sweetest moments of my entire life.

I spent three summers at my parents house in Cincinnati while I was in college. Since Jake is 10 years younger than me, he was a constant companion during those summers. I would take him on errands with me, take him to lunch and try to convince him to spend time with me, making up for the lost time when I was away at school. I used these summers to tell him all about Jesus. I practiced the sharing the Gospel with him and often asked him spiritual questions that were way over his preteen head. But somewhere a long the line, seeds were planted by me and countless others,  God watered those seeds and now roots are taking form. Praise God!

He is learning at thirteen what I started to learn as an eighteen year old – following Jesus is worth it. There’s nothing else worthy of giving my life to apart from Christ. Jake has a long road ahead of him, part of me feels relived that I did not walk with Jesus in high school – high school is hard enough, but on the other hand, how comforting would it have been to know that I was enough for God as I walked through hard years of friendships and grades. Whatever age we come to be saved at, it takes a heart level change to realize that compared to following after Jesus, everything else is a loss. Jesus is worth it.

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“Baptism doesn’t save you, it’s what saved people do.” -James MacDonald

Why Do I Care for the Orphan?

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This blog post is written in partnership with Show Hope, a movement to care for orphans.

Plainly, I care about the orphan because God cares about the orphan. The Bible is littered with examples of God’s heart towards the orphan and His provisions for them. He commands His people to care for the orphan, inviting all of us into the ways that He will be faithful to His promises.

More practically, I care about the orphan because I see the nourishment and support that a family provides. Each child, no matter where they are born – a small village in Africa, a slum in India, city in England or a suburb in the United States – is full of potential. There is potential for this child to contribute to changing the world, but their potential is increased or decreased based on their access to a loving family to protect and provide for them. Children are able to overcome insurmountable odds, but a loving family as a child’s first line of defense and first community only helps increase a child’s view of self and ability to positively impact the world.

The power of a family is not limited to the orphan. As I’ve transitioned into adulthood, my parents have supported me every step of the way, by forcing me to stand on my own two feet and not providing for me financially, by helping me test drive cars and make pro and con lists and by driving two cars to Indianapolis and spending a weekend moving me into my big girl apartment. They have come alongside me and believed in me even when I could not believe in myself. My parents, Sue and Mike, have solidified my belief in the value of a family.

Jesus was born into an earthly family. The Bible communicates that Mary, Joseph and his brother, James, all play significant roles in His life on earth and the ministry of the Church after His death. Even though He experienced the ultimate fellowship with God the Father, Jesus, too experienced the benefits of an earthly family. We do not know much about Jesus’ childhood, but one can imagine that His family helped shape and form into a man, even though He was God.

I care about the orphan because my heart is tuned to the marginalized. God has written them on my heart – I have a hard time hearing stories of heartbreak without my own heart breaking. Jesus hung out with those on the margins, and as a follower of Christ, I want to follow in His footsteps. Jesus sees the potential in each person, no matter where they’re born and if they’re born into a family or not. I want to be part of bringing God’s kingdom to earth and part of that is through caring for the least of these among us – including the orphan.

As the Outreach Coordinator for MLJ Adoptions, I am able to care for the orphan by sharing with prospective adoptive families what children without families may experience in their early years. I am able to speak about the success stories of families who have brought children into their home and helped them move from orphans to sons and daughters. It is the greatest privilege of my job to advocate for the world’s most vulnerable children. God cares about the orphan, He cares about their situation, He sees their potential, and He invites me – and you – into the story of advocating for their right to a loving family.

 

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Monday Lovin’

Published on by Caitlin SnyderLeave a comment

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About six weeks ago, after a weekend of confessing that I was not experiencing much joy and living life on autopilot, I sat down and made a list of things that were life-giving for me. The list consisted of reading, writing, running, cooking, listening, encouraging and crafting. This list is in the first few pages of my journal. When I’m starting to be drained, I look back on the list and remember where to start feeling like myself again. These activities help guard against the numbness that I have confessed comes too easily and is too comfortable to me in this two job working, trying to balance everything season of life.

 

This weekend, I was able to do a little bit of everything.

 

I made a dinner with a beautiful friend and we shared what was going on in our lives and our hearts. I’ve been friends with her for five years and the conversations we shared on Friday may have been some of the best we’ve ever had. I’m thankful fro friends who go deep, talk about insecurities and don’t judge you when you talk about yours.

 

A run before dinner on Friday and a run around the Indianapolis canal on Saturday morning with a friend were the perfect ways to enjoy the fall weather that has descended upon Indianapolis. Despite the havoc that fall causes my allergies, I try to squeeze in some time outside in the mild temperatures.

 

My roommate gets married so soon, and Saturday we were able to celebrate her upcoming nuptials with one of my most beautiful showers I’ve ever been to. Her aunts, mom and sister created the perfect atmosphere to honor her full of delicious food.

 

Saturday while spending time with a great friend, we could not seem to stop talking about grace. Oh how thankful we are for God’s grace and the ways it is never-ending. I am thankful that He uses me to demonstrate just how much grace He gives. It’s been a hard summer, wrestling with sin, exhaustion and calling, but His grace has sustained me.

 

Sunday morning I woke up early to decorate the windows at work. It’s a tedious task, but when it’s all done, it looks good. It’s also a rare opportunity to really get to talk with my co-workers. I left the mall with some new burns on my fingers from the hot glue gun, but some fun memories of all of us working together to create.

 

This Monday, I’m lovin’ running, reading, writing, cooking, spending time with sweet friends and grace. I am praying that I can find small snippets of time this week to spend time doing these activities.

 

PS- I’m also lovin’ this new blog and spent hours over the weekend moving all my old blogs over. More to come about that experience!

Summer Reflections

Published on by Caitlin SnyderLeave a comment

As July winds down, summer is almost over. Which breaks my heart. Summer is a special season to me, full of wonderful memories spent at my grandparents’ house when my family came back from Japan for 8 weeks each summer. Summer is when it’s socially acceptable to eat ice cream for many meals. Summer sunsets are very special to me. It’s summer when I feel God closest to me, when I know that no matter what my heart is going through, it’s all going to be okay. And even though the summer isn’t quite over, no matter what this 75 degree Indiana day wants us to believe, I’d love to share about what I’ve learned this summer.

  1. Busy is not a way to describe how I am. It doesn’t count. It may be true of my schedule, but it’s a cop out. It says that what I fill my calendar with is more important that who I am, which is a lie I’m trying to fight hardcore in my life. Busy has a negative connotation, almost to say that I’m a victim to the things I’ve said yes to. These things I’ve said yes to are good things – I need to quit making myself a victim to them. Working a second job is not something that has happened to me; I’ve made the conscious decision and I truly do love working there, I need to stop complaining and start celebrating. I am not and will not be a victim to this culture of busy. Yes, there are times when I may need to say no, or slow down, but that is not a reflection of who I am, simply of what I choose to do.
  1. Adoption changes lives. It’s been a busy summer at work, and some evenings I’ve taken work home, or I’ve gotten up early to get to the office to get stuff done. I’m beyond thankful that I have the privilege of working a job that changes the lives of children in need. For older children and children with special needs, when a family chooses to adopt them, their lives are changed. In some cases, adoption means that a child gets to live. I love that I get to work in an industry that actually changes lives.
  1. Goals are a good thing. I want to get out of debt and pay off my student loans. If you’ve met me in the past year, I’ve probably shared that I have a second job to pay off my loans, or how I can’t wait to be debt free. I’ve tried to put my money where my mouth is and get serious about paying off my student loans. I’m making progress and it’s so empowering! It’s silly, but I love being able to make progress and meet goals on something that I’ve decided is very important to me.
  1. God wants me to be healthy. This means that I put good food in my body, make sure I’m working out enough and also setting healthy boundaries. It’s easy to want to say yes to everything, or be all things to all people, but God wants me to give the things I’ve committed to the best I can and this requires me to set boundaries. I also cannot fix people, I must draw a healthy boundary to love people well. Boundaries bring freedom. Emotional, financial and physical health bring freedom.
  1. Those who were part of the early church were brave. I’ve been hanging out in the book of Acts this month and my mind continues to be blown at the ways the followers of Christ responded to God’s commands immediately. Incredible results follow radical obedience. I want to obey quicker, and with bigger faith. As I’ve been reading, I keep asking God to help me develop my “faith muscle”. Like with any muscle, I have got to work at it slowly and surely, even when it’s uncomfortable.

I’ve been reading my way through 2014 and this summer, I have enjoyed numerous books with a glass of wine sitting on my patio, or with my tumbler on the beach (the best place to read). Some of my favorite books of the summer are:

Behind the Beautiful Forevers (Katherine Boo), Deepening Community (Paul Born), Boundaries (Cloud & Townsend) and my new favorite book – The Ragamuffin Gospel (Brennan Manning). I highly recommend all of these books!

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What have you learned this summer?

 

Monday Lovin’

Published on by Caitlin SnyderLeave a comment

After a jam-packed month of August, I forced myself to breathe this weekend. With clean sheets, freshly shaved legs and a rested soul, I feel ready to face the week with gratitude and enthusiasm. Instead of wanting to flip Monday morning off, I’m ready to greet her like a best friend because this Monday I’m lovin’…

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1) Mexican food: Bakersfield lived up to all the hype. Margaritas, tacos and great time with friends was a perfect start to the weekend. A group of us met in downtown Indianapolis after work and re-connected. We’ve decided to make it at least a monthly tradition! What a great way to end a work week – wonderful food, tasty cocktails and beautiful friends.

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2) Two of my best friends celebrated birthdays this weekend. Oh how thankful I am for each one of them! Waking up in the morning and saying a sweet prayer to Jesus for putting them in my life put a smile on my face all weekend long. These two women have reminded me of who Jesus is, even during the darkness, hardest seasons of my life. Even when life is tough, and not meeting my expectations, I’m reminded that God sees, knows and loves me because of friends like these two. I wish I could have celebrated with each of them on their special days.

3) The Needtobreathe Pandora radio station has been my soundtrack for the past couple weeks. It’s full of fun, upbeat songs and some great Christian artists. I’ve loved listening to it in the background as I’ve worked and on long runs. It’s always fun to hear new songs and new artists that I wouldn’t ordinarily stumble upon myself. I highly encourage taking a listen!

4) I’m a summer girl, so as everyone gets excited about fall – fall clothes, pumpkin spice lattes and cooler temperatures – I roll my eyes a little bit. But, the color chartreuse (read: mustard) is a dominant color in the J.Crew fall color palate and I could not be more excited. I cannot wait to purchase an Expedition Vest in this super fall color! While the thought of party tanks, chino shorts, sundresses and flip flops going back in the back of my closet makes me want to cry, I am excited for some new colors to add into my closet.

5) I celebrated one year at MLJ Adoptions last week! I’ve loved working for this company that believes that children belong in families and is passionate about finding families for children in need. Over the past year, I have learned so many valuable lessons about advocacy, poverty, international relations, families, parenting and God’s love. I am thankful for the special stories that God has invited be to witness – stories of strong, resilient children being given a chance to thrive in a loving family environment.

Fear

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August has been a whirlwind of a month. It started lakeside with some of my most favorite friends. We spent Saturday night catching each other up on our lives. The real stuff, the nitty gritty, not the Facebook/Instagram versions of who we are. We got real. We shared some dreams and some frustrations. I told my best friend that I wanted it to be Lake Weekend every weekend; she kindly reminded me that it wouldn’t be real life, and that we all have a threshold for vulnerability. That weekend really set the tone for the past couple weeks. I felt like I left the weekend with more questions than I arrived with, even though my heart was incredibly full.

No one told me how difficult grown up life was going to be. It’s hard, gut wrenching work to wrestle with your life’s calling, to discern the difference between good and right and to live in the present, taking into account when bills are due. Add in actually living life and it’s enough to make me want to throw in the towel on adulthood. Note: I’ve tried throwing in the towel, but everyone keeps telling me that it’s impossible. I’m learning about some of my big-time insecurities that I’ve spent the last 7 years trying to ignore. Scary fears that have been causing me to walk with a limp and not even realize it.

Last week, while reading Brene Brown’s Daring Greatly (shameless plug), I asked myself the questions: What are you afraid of? What are those fears preventing you from doing? I think the first question is fairly easy to answer, but it’s that second one that pierced my already fragile, tender heart. It’s a good thing to put a face on our fears. Our teachers and parents have been telling us to do that since we were in elementary school. But, putting a face on a fear doesn’t mean it is not still crippling. It was asking that question when I realized just how much I’ve let fear rule my life. I’ve let fear dictate the path and set the pace. Have you ever tried to run at someone else’s pace? It’s hard, even if it’s slower than you normally run; it’s uncomfortable and sometimes more tiring. Fear’s been doing that to me for as long as I can remember.

I keep asking myself where do I go from here? This weird, uncertain, really raw place where I sometimes cry in my car. Who do I become once I’ve stripped away fears that I’ve let define me for the majority of adult life? Who am I, really? And, can I sort all this stuff out by Monday morning since it’s the start of a 60-hour work week?

I wish there was a ten-step plan to work through on my own timeline, which would obviously be the next week, not the next few years. I also wish it were easier, or just less painful. But there’s not ten-step plan and there’s no quick fix, although I try to prove that shopping solves some of the problems.

I think the first step choose to be brave. Brave has to mean different things in different contexts. Brave for the Apostle Paul was returning to Jerusalem knowing that persecution awaited him, but that he could not be disobedient. He was brave because he obeyed and he showed up in an uncomfortable situation.

I’m not marching into persecution and three years in prison, at least that I know of, but I still think brave right now for me means to keep showing up. Showing up for my friends. Showing up for my jobs. Showing up for myself. Being present in this moment knowing that this moment is enough. Knowing that I’m enough. Learning to run at my own pace. Just let me figure out what my pace is first.

 

Monday Lovin’

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It is a Happy Monday! With a full heart and refreshed spirit, I head back into work this morning feeling encouraged by deep friendships and beautiful backdrops. When you have a friend whose parents have a lake house within driving distance, invite a fun group of people and GO! I promise you wouldn’t regret it. Oh, and wait until the second night, after a full day in the sun, to ask a deep questions. Sit back, listen, share, and encourage as people talk. It’s a sacred thing to watch. 

Monday Lovin’

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Happy Monday! Man, Mondays are tough, especially after a fabulous three day weekend getaway. I spent the weekend in Cleveland hanging out with two of my favorite people! I’ve known Sami for about 5 years; we met my freshman year at IU and I had no idea at the time the role she would go onto play in my life. It was Sami who introduced Jesus to me, and shared about just how much He loves me (while sitting on the floor of Ballentine Hall eating paninis). It was Sami who greeted me when I ran off the Rush Bus on Bid Day. It was Sami who I cried to over the phone the night before my grandmother’s funeral. It was Sami who introduced me to Mad Mushroom cheesy bread. It was Sami who came out with me at midnight on my 21st Birthday, even though she had to student teach in the morning.

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Sami and her husband, Chris, now live in Cleveland, which is the perfect destination for a weekend away. Cleveland has awesome restaurants, breweries, parks, a beach, a cool skyline, and lots of green space. I loved getting to lay-out and eat some good food while spending time with sweet friends. We also watched Law & Order: SVU — my favorite!

Sami and Chris also recently got a dog, a golden-doodle named Graham, who is ADORABLE! He was a blast to take on walks and since he’s a puppy, he’s super playful. He’s literally the cutest thing I’ve ever seen!

Thank you Sami and Chris for hosting me this weekend! I loved having the opportunity to see Cleveland, and spend such great time with the two of you! It is such a gift to have friends who have known me over highs and lows in my life. I’m thankful for lifelong friends who remind me of just how good God is.