Wrestling

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About every six months, I sit down with the Lord and process through what I believe about drinking, how that holds up against what scripture says about it and what my behavior reflects about my beliefs. In full disclosure, these sit downs often happen after a night of too much alcohol, a night of watching someone else consume too much alcohol or me feeling left out or anxious because I was not drinking as much as the people around me. Drunkenness, however you define it, prevents me from being filled with the Spirit, and is a sin. And all sin is equal. All sin prevents me from experiencing fellowship with Jesus. So during these sit downs, I ask the Lord to remove any condemnation, and simply let me process. I ask myself questions such as: why do I drink in the first place? When do I find myself wanting to drink more than what I usually do? What are some outcomes of drinking more than I usually do? If I heard the Lord ask me to stop drinking today, what would my response be? Who is it appropriate to drink around? If there are people who it’s not appropriate to drink around, am I willing to not drink? Why do I feel awkward not drinking when others around me are drinking? The list goes on and on.

Last weekend, I actually wondered out loud to a friend about some of these questions. While she and I have different experiences with alcohol and different opinions, I left the conversation feeling challenged and freed. Sin is real, it’s not something to be messed around with. As I’ve learned in my own life, sin clouds my judgment, sin makes me question my identity, and sin isolates me from community. I need to constantly run away from sin, not toe the line of how much I can get away with. These truths challenged me.

In the original Hebrew, Israel means “he wrestles with God”. Israel, God’s chosen nation and people, who He named, He named “he wrestles with God.” Some often I can feel guilty about processing through things and having sit downs with God because I can start believing the lie that I must blindly follow. And in some situations, I am called to blindly follow, but in others, I have to wrestle with what surrender looks like in my life.

Let me let you in a secret: when I wrestle through the smaller stuff such as drinking, and the larger stuff, like what calling God has on my life, I’m in good company. The Israelites wrestled. Wrestling and surrender are not mutually exclusive. Just because I’m asking the questions, doesn’t mean I’m not trusting. In fact, in some cases, when the wrestling stops, that’s when sin really takes root. So for all of you wrestling through big & small questions alike, keep wrestling. Turn to the Bible, turn to trusted friends who love Jesus and be willing to go deep in your heart and hear answers that scare you. Just don’t stop wrestling until you come to an answer that will lead to greater fellowship with Jesus. I am meant to experience intimacy with Jesus and to let Him transform me more and more into His image. And perhaps, that means there will be some wrestling along the way.

Tomorrow

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When I was younger, and living in Japan, there was a family with two adopted daughters from China. I remember Emilee asking my mom why the girls didn’t look like their mom, and my mom explained that these two girls had been adopted. I don’t remember the girls’ names, but the more my mom told us about adoption, the more my 7 year-old brain was convinced that I would one day adopt children. This desire to adopt only grew as we moved back to the U.S. and in our new neighborhood, three families adopted daughters. By the time I was in high school, I knew Angelina Jolie needed to watch her back because I wanted to be an Ambassador to UNICEF, just like her.

My heart broke for orphans when I traveled to Monterrey, Mexico with Back2Back Ministries and I saw the devastating long-term effects of being abandoned. My junior year of college, I learned a great deal about sex trafficking and then spent the summer interning with Back2Back Ministries, I began to truly believe in adoption. I believe it changes children’s lives. It gives children opportunities they could only dream about.

Children are special, and deserve to be treated with value. Adoption helps marginalized children gain extraordinary experiences.

Tomorrow I start my first big girl job, with an adoption agency. It was a journey that has had numerous detours and I don’t know where I’ll ultimately end up, but tonight I rejoice. God has written on my heart a desire to serve His children. I don’t have the patience to teach, I don’t get to be a missionary yet, I can’t do the medicine thing, but He has crafted something special for me. Something that will build my skills and grow my heart. I’m thankful, and confident that God knows what He’s doing. Tomorrow is the start in another chapter in the adventure God and I are on together.

“The place God calls you to is where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet.” – Frederick Buechner

Practicing Thankfulness

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“You can either let it make you bitter or better.” It’s a phrase I’ve heard countless times over the course of my life. I’ve sat in some disappointment this summer, mourned some could-have-beens and cried more tears than I knew I could. As August winds down, I feel like a different person than I was in April and May. I wouldn’t say a better person, and I can’t put my finger on what exactly is different, but as I step into yet another transition, I’m different.

I had a conversation in passing at work in June with a co-worker that rocked me. She was sharing with me about the end of her marriage, and it struck me. I cried on the way home, humbled. It was that night that I decided that instead of being upset and cynical, I needed to choose to be thankful. Thankful for the no’s God had told me both professionally and personally. Thankful for the unsettling season I was currently in, and thankful for the ways I was confident the Lord would provide in such an unsettling season. Slowly I began to notice changes in myself.

Paul writes to the Thessalonians, “Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus” (1 Thessalonians 5:13-14). As I’ve started to learn, thankfulness prevents bitterness, discontentment and jealousy from taking root in my heart. Thankfulness reminds me who’s in charge… not me, but God – the same God who knows the ins and outs of my heart is working all things for my good. Even when my circumstances lead me to believe otherwise, I always have something to be thankful for.

Thankfulness very quickly turns into praise. No matter what I’m going through, I can praise God for His character and His faithfulness; they never change. There have been numerous mornings I’ve sat down this summer to journal and felt so in awe of God that I just thanked Him for everything. Even the yuck. I’ve started to see that when I thank God for the yuck, the yuck becomes less yucky.

I don’t think thankfulness is a lesson to learn, but instead a practice, not dissimilar from a spiritual discipline. Thankfulness and surrender are intertwined; in order to be fully surrendered to God, I need to acknowledge His goodness and His almighty power, which is impossible to do without being thankful. A thankful heart surrenders and obeys quicker than a bitter one. So if I want to obey God and be surrendered to God, then I must practice thankfulness, in all circumstances. I serve a great and mighty God, a God who refused to let my sin be the end of the story, so I will seek to practice thankfulness, even when it’s difficult.

How do you practice thankfulness?

Someone Else’s Turn

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I’m not heading back to Bloomington this weekend. That fact has brought me close to tears multiple times today. I wouldn’t be at Sweet’n’Low, I don’t get to help target how to reach freshman this fall, I wouldn’t be gathering and following up contacts, and I wouldn’t get to watch as God grabs the hearts of students at IU. When I dream about joining staff with a campus ministry like Cru, part of me wonders if I could handle it, not necessarily the support raising or the full-time ministry aspect, but the transient-ness that comes with working with college students. College is such a short period of a person’s life. Four years. Sometimes three and sometimes five, but then it’s over. My college career, my four years are done. I’m not going back. I’ll be moving to Indianapolis to start the next season, but it’s not college.

freed to be me

There’s a strange peace that has come over me as I’ve prayed through this, I’m sad, but peaceful. In one week, a bright-eyed freshman girl is going to set foot onto IU’s campus with no idea what she wants out of life, and she’s going to search for her place. She’ll try different organizations, and settle on Cru, where she’ll meet people, some of whom have grown up in the church and others who are getting their feet wet with the whole Christianity thing, just like her. Over the next four years, this girl will grow, she’ll face the depth of her sin and the grace that God offers. She’ll make mistakes with boys and develop really meaningful relationships with other girls. She’ll stay up too late, and skip more classes than she ever intended. Most importantly, she’ll get to know Jesus, and what it means to have a relationship with Him, a relationship that will outlast and out-value everything else in her life.

How do I know this? Because that was me. There were girls before me, just like there will be girls after me, whose lives God will change during college. I’m humbled to reflect on the girl I was 4 years ago, and all that God has done in me and through me since I set foot on IU’s campus.

I can’t head back to Bloomington, it’s some one else’s turn. It’s another girl’s turn to wander her way through all the fears of true surrender, to spend countless hours in Wright Food Court, to dream of what revival looks like in her sorority house, to plan discipleships, and to fall madly in love with Jesus. IU saw the good, the bad and the ugly of Caitlin Snyder. It’s beautiful to admit it’s not my time to be in college anymore, it’s someone else’s. I hope and pray that the freshmen stepping onto IU’s campus know how special it is, and that the freshman who find themselves at the Check-Out-Cru meeting next Thursday will let the Gospel transform their hearts. Bloomington is not my home anymore, just as it’s not my Cru movement anymore. And that’s beautiful because it’s someone else’s turn.

July

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One of my new favorite bloggers posts lessons she’s learned during the month at the end of it. I loved the idea, and obviously copied her. Here’s the 5 lessons I’ve learned this month:

  1. When God chooses to move, He doesn’t wait around for doubters. Within two weeks, I accepted a job offer, found a roommate and went apartment searching. I had started to believe God had forgotten about me, and then the skies opened up, and I was so sweetly reminded that He does remember and care about me. He just needed me to completely surrender fully, and to be ready on His timeline, not mine.
  1. I am so blessed with my siblings. This summer we’ve moved past the normal sibling bickering and entered into truly enjoying each other. We cook each other meals and go on runs together. I’m thankful for Emilee and Jake. And so thankful for the time I’ve gotten to spend with them this summer.

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  1. Too much caffeine makes me very anxious. Not just shaky, hardcore anxiety sets in. If I didn’t eat breakfast before my coffee, it’s bad news bears. Which is sad because I love fountain coke, and I’m moving back to the land of Polar Pops.
  1. Weddings are a beautiful celebration. The past two weekends I’ve gotten to attend weddings for two coupes I love dearly. Each wedding I attend, I learn a little bit more about love, and I get to see it reflected in new ways.
  1. Retail stores start to put out their fall lines in the middle of July. I used to think this was just J.Crew, but then I went into Bath & Body Works during the first week in July to buy coconut scented lotion, and they said that the fragrance was done for the year. Fall in July… while I like fall, July seems just a tad bit early for it to begin.

To see what others learned this month, click here!

Community

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I’ve watched a lot of West Wing this spring and summer. One of my favorite moments in the series occurs between two of the key characters – Josh and Leo. Josh is the deputy chief of staff to the President and Leo is the chief of staff. Leo is a recovering alcoholic and in this episode, Josh is starting to deal with some post-traumatic stress disorder. Josh approaches Leo to thank him for insisting he needed help. Leo uses a metaphor for Josh, including a ditch on the side of the road. Leo speaks of a man being stuck in this ditch, a doctor passes this man in the ditch and offers a man a stethoscope, a priest passes the man in the ditch and says he’ll pray for him, but the man’s friend jumps into the ditch with him. The man says to the friend, what are you doing in here, now we’re both stuck, and the friend replies, “I’ve been here before, I know the way out.”

At one of my last bible studies this past year, all the seniors received the chance to share one piece of advice for the rest of the group. Four days earlier I gave a well-prepared and thought out talk during a Cru meeting on freedom. However, this night, 24 hours after a break-up, I hadn’t really even thought about what I wanted to share with the group. Others had bullet points, I sat in front, and through tears, I vulnerably shared something about making good friends and trying to love people well, in all areas of your life, and especially in your sorority or fraternity.

I’ve struggled with friendships all my life. I place high expectations on myself, and then apply them to others. I look to people for my worth and happiness, which leaves me very unsatisfied. Throughout college, I knew I had a lot of people in my life, but until the end of my senior year and this summer, I never realized just how many were great friends.

Great friends lend you hammers to break things when necessary. Great friends drive you home after you drink an entire bottle of wine. Great friends let you eat their leftovers. Great friends let you cry even when they don’t quite understand why you’re crying. Great friends jump in the ditch with you, to remind you that you’re not alone, and to show you the way out.

Immediately after I did not receive the job I had anticipated receiving, my sister called me and said, “I just want you to know that you’re not alone.” Suffering can be so isolating. I felt like I had nothing to offer others, and was so tempted to withdraw so that I wouldn’t feel guilty taking from them. How easy we believe the lie that healing must be done alone. Yes, some of the wrestling through things with God must be done alone, but a lot of the time, community fosters healing. Friends can listen. Friends can speak truth. Friends can pray.

During a season of transition, I resisted the urge to keep people at an arms length, and instead invited them into the yuckiness that was (and still kinda is) my life. I wondered out loud about God’s goodness. I confessed feelings of inadequacy, uncertainty and depression. It was as if God gave me people to help carry my burden.

I’m learning that friends that stick around during suffering seasons get very excited for you in seasons of abundance. I think some of my closest friends are more excited about my job offer and my move to Indianapolis than I am. They mourned with me when I was mourning and here they are rejoicing with me while I rejoice. These friends jumped right into the ditch with me, and have helped me navigate my way out. That’s what community does. It doesn’t shy away from the painful stuff; it dives right into it, and reminds us of Jesus in the midst of it.

Timing

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I’ve been thinking a lot about timing recently. About how God’s timing is perfect, and yet I still don’t seem to trust it.

Story time: King David and King Solomon, both huge players in the Bible. During David’s reign, he fought a war, making protecting the kingdom his number one priority. Despite David’s mishaps, including committing adultery, fathering a child out of wedlock and then sending the woman’s husband to the front lines of the war to die, David finds favor from God. When the time arrives for David to die, the Lord calls Solomon, David’s son who was fathered out of wedlock, to take over the throne. Let me take a moment to point out, Solomon is the result of David’s sin. David’s selfishness and entitlement led to Solomon being born, and yet, the Lord used Solomon for His glory. If that doesn’t inspire hope, I don’t know what does.

Anyways, David dies and Solomon begins to rule. Almost immediately, Solomon receives instruction from the Lord to build a temple. Solomon writes to Hiram, a king of a neighboring kingdom,

“You know that because of the wars waged against my father David from all sides, he could not build a temple for the name of the lord his God until the Lord put his enemies under his feet. But now the Lord my God has given me rest on every side, and there is no adversary or disaster. I intended, therefore, to build a temple for the Name of the Lord my God, as the Lord told my father David, when he said, “Your son whom I will put on the throne in your place will build the temple for my Name.”  (1Kings 5:3-5)

Despite David’s indiscretions, he loved God. Open up the book of Psalms, and you need not look any further. David wanted to build a temple for the Lord, but instead was stuck fighting a war. By the time Solomon comes into power, he can and does build a glorious temple that reflects the greatness of God. Building this temple took Solomon 7 years.

This story hit home for me when I studied it. David would have looked like a fool if he quit fighting the war to build a temple. Solomon would have looked like a fool if he went looking to fight instead of building a temple. They were uniquely qualified for what God gave them at the time.

I recently accepted a job in Indianapolis. I actually interviewed for the job the end of May and was not the first choice candidate and did not originally receive it. In the meantime, I’ve stayed at home, applied for countless other jobs, worked at J.Crew and rested, learned and healed. If I had gotten this job back in May, I finding somewhere to live would have been difficult, and I would have had no money, and still been so fragile. Instead, 6 weeks later, I can be confident that moving to Indianapolis and accepting this job has been all God and all God’s timing. The roommate situation fell into place, as did my chance to fulfill my management commitment to J.Crew. I keep resting, learning, healing and growing.

God’s timing was perfect in the biblical times, and it continues to be perfect today. I can choose to rest in His plan, purposes and His timing.

The Beauty of Trust

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Yesterday I woke up, served at a food pantry, swung through the Chick Fil-A drive thru, had lunch with sweet Back2Back friends, crafted wedding gifts, made dinner for my family, watched some West Wing, went to Barnes and Noble with my dad and then my mom and I talked about our dreams. It was a beautiful day.

It’s been a beautiful summer.

Life did a number on me in April. I didn’t know how to get back up, let alone if I wanted to. And the hits kept coming. I was pissed at life, pissed at the world, and frankly, pissed at God. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. I was talking with a friend last week whose in a similar place as me, and I shared what I think God says to us in the midst of heart break, confusion and frustration. I think He stares me in the eyes and says, “Caitlin, I know you’re pissed, but do you trust Me? Do you trust that I’m good? I care more about your sanctification than your immediate happiness.” I reluctantly grumbled, “Yes, God, I trust You, or I at least want to.” And a funny thing happened, I started to want to stand up again. Before I knew it, I was walking on my own two feet. Some days I’m back to crawling, but mostly I walk.

When I started to trust God, like really trust Him, I started to see that He knew what was best all along. Each of the three summers I’ve spent in Cincinnati, none of my close friends from school have been here, but this summer, not one, but two of my best friends have been here. What a blessing. That’s been God’s hand in my summer. The relationships I developed last summer at Back2Back have only grown this summer as I spend time with my old co-workers. I’ve even been able to serve at a food pantry in inner city Cincinnati, and pray through what it looks like to be the hands and feet of Jesus to the poor.

My sister called me at school after I didn’t get the job offer I wanted and she said that this summer would be a faith internship. She was right. Day by day the Lord grew my trust in Him. He showed up and showed off during what felt like a season of desperation in my young life.

This summer the Lord wanted me to learn how to trust in His goodness even when every part of my flesh was screaming not to.

This summer the Lord has shown me how He makes even the ordinary things beautiful even when I didn’t want to see beauty in my life.

I hope and pray that my trust in the Lord and His goodness only continues to grow.  I hope and pray that next time life knocks me down, I remember that I’ve been there before and that God is still good. I hope and pray that delight in the ordinary because God has made it beautiful.

Presence and Sovereignty

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“God isn’t waiting at the finish line, He’s here in it with you,” a friend said as he spoke to my Greek Bible study towards the end of school. I broke down in tears as I heard him say that, and tried to internalize the weight of his words (which were a total gift of the Holy Spirit). The words I used to describe how I felt around that time were a little lost and a little broken, so being reminded of God’s presence and sovereignty even in the midst of the chaos of my world moved me to tears. I desperately wanted to believe God was in control, but how could He be when I was in pain? I desperately wanted to believe God’s plan for my life was good, but how could I when my post-college plans quickly went to hell in a hand-basket? It all seemed easier if God wasn’t actually in the midst of it with me, but hovering about 100 feet above me. He could see it happening, but He wasn’t in it, because I thought, if He was in it, then it shouldn’t be happening the way it was.

We all know David of the Bible. King David, author of the book of Psalms, wrestled with God through some hardcore yuckiness. God makes some big promises to David, many of which get fulfilled in David’s son, Solomon, the wisest man to live… a man, I should remind you, who was the result of one of David’s biggest mistakes. So David and Solomon, both men after the Lord’s heart. They pursue righteousness, they are obedient, they are good guys. Then comes Jeroboam and Rehoboam. They’re not so good. Conflict divides the once united kingdom into Israel and Judah. Everything David and Solomon worked towards is destroyed. Generation after generation corrupt kings lead God’s people further away from Him through idolatry. Such is the power of sin.

If I were God, I would have been pissed. I would have retreated to 100 feet above the situation and become a passive observer while my people blatantly disobeyed me. Good thing I’m not God. As I read through 1 Kings 15, I was struck by God’s presence through these dark days of Israel and Judah. He sent people talk to the corrupt kings. He orchestrated deaths of families who were disobedient. And when a just, obedient king came into power, God blessed him. God was it with them. I’m not diminishing my sin, but I will say, my season of transition pales in comparison to the dark days of Israel and Judah. God doesn’t leave His people, even when things suck.

God is both present and sovereign. He knows how the story ends, but He’s here working it all for our good. He’s infinite. He’s in control. The more I immerse myself in who God is, the less daunting my circumstances seem, and the more I can believe He is in control. He wouldn’t leave me, nor will He stop being good. Praise Him!

“Higher than the mountains that I face

Stronger than the power of the grave

Constant through the trial and the change

One thing… Remains

Your love never fails, it never gives up,

It never runs out on me.”

-One Thing Remains, Kristin Stanfill

Here’s to Freedom

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In my pre-Jesus days, I saw Christianity as a religion full of rules. From the outside looking in, Christians appeared to adhere to lots of behaviors that I believed would restrict my “rights” and how I wanted to live my life. Why would someone give up rights? Why would someone want to follow even more rules? As I understand now, I was missing the Gospel in this line of thinking. I was missing Jesus.

I stumbled my way into putting my faith in Jesus my freshman year of college. I struggled, and still do, to put to death my old ways of thinking about Christianity and all the rules. Thankfully, along the way, freedom has been redefined for me.

Freedom in Christ has changed my life.

I am freed from my own sin, in Christ. I am freed from my insecurities, in Christ. I am freed from worldly pressures to make millions, lose weight and create a name for myself, in Christ. I am freed from thinking I can do it all… and acting on that thought, in Christ. I am a hot mess. I am a sinner. I fail to believe the best about people and love them well. But God loved me so much that He refused to let sin be the end of my story.

I’m fortunate enough to live in America, a country that celebrates freedom on this day every year. Freedom is what originally separated America from the rest of the world in the 18th century. Freedom also separates Christianity from many other world religions (because of grace).

The 4th of July is my favorite holiday. It reminds me of just how desperately we all desire to be free. The early Americans were thought to be rebels, but in reality they were freedom fighters. Sick of the rules and regulations of the King of England, they said, “No thanks.” Today and every other day, I can say, “No thanks to my sin,” and instead choose to live in freedom. Contrary to the colonists, I am the very thing that holds me captive. I desperately desire to be free, thankfully in Christ, it’s a decision I can make, and have to make, daily.

So here’s to today, when I can celebrate my freedom as an American, and how that freedom is just a glimpse of my freedom in Christ. #snapsforfreedom