Lasts

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Like most seniors graduating from college in May, I lay in bed as I fall asleep wondering where the time went. The past 3.5 years have flown by… not surprisingly since I attend such an amazing university and have had an exceptional college experiences. I long for freshman year when I carelessly spent hours upon hours in the afternoon and in the wee hours of the morning with friends. I miss living in the sorority house, when I felt so close to so many girls and knew I was never alone. I want to relive last spring, when so many of my best friends were seniors and were up for literally anything. Mixed with this nostalgia is fear. Fear that I wouldn’t make the most of this next semester. Fear that I’ll leave with regrets. Fears that I’ll worry too much about next year that I wouldn’t enjoy the present.

Let me just tell you, nostalgia and fear are an unbearable combination. They are numbing. I’m walking around feeling like I just want to lay in bed and press snooze on my alarm because I just can’t handle the day yet. I keep thinking that if I’m not ready, my semester just wouldn’t start. The worst part is that this numbness allows for no joy. And I feel hopeless. The future seems just so daunting that I want to surrender without even trying. It’s like in sports when you’re over-matched and you wonder why you even have to play the game, you think it might be better to surrender and maintain your dignity. And when you do decide to play, it’s with the attitude of, “let’s just get it over with.” The past two days I’ve sat in this feeling. Except, I don’t even know what it looks like to surrender with my dignity in tact in this situation… which is probably a good thing, or else I would do it in a heartbeat. I’ve been willing to settle for surviving instead of believing I can and will thrive.

The next 16 weeks bring a lot of lasts into my life. Tomorrow kicks off my last sorority recruitment and then my last bid week. Monday starts my last semester at Indiana University as an undergrad and my last semester of college for the foreseeable future. Mixed with these lasts is uncertainty. Where will I be in 17 weeks? What will I be doing? Will I find a job? Amidst this whirlwind of emotions, I have several choices, which have several clear consequences. Reality is, I have no idea what the future brings, and much to my dismay, I have very little control over it, but I do have control over my attitude. If I continue to settle for surviving, I wouldn’t enjoy these next 16 weeks, nor will I be excited about what comes after. So I’m praying for a grateful heart for all the wonderful experiences I’ve had in college, the ability to trust God in the next season of my life and to be fully present for the next 16 weeks that I have left of college, no regrets, just happy memories. When I’m walking with God and focusing on Him, I believe I will thrive, not simply survive my last 16 weeks of college.

Brutally Beautiful

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It’s been a rough semester. It’s been a wonderful semester. As I look back on the past 14 weeks, both of these statements are equally true. I cannot separate them from one another.

I’ve experienced disappointment, confusion and frustration. I didn’t get accepted to Teach for America, my one concrete option for next year, and I don’t have much direction for life post-college. Leadership positions have drained me. I’m frustrated by some sin in my life and I’m realizing, yet again, just how broken I am. I find myself on a daily basis saying, “Come Lord Jesus, come.” My present struggles seem so daunting some days that I pray that Jesus would come back to earth and save me from myself.

I’ve had the privilege of discipling 3 amazing women and watching them take huge steps of faith including emceeing our weekly Cru meeting, leading a bible study and leading two sorority girls to accept Christ. I’ve prayed God’s will over a couple areas of my life and watched as He provided in some pretty cool ways. I’ve been blessed by some long-time friendships and also by some new ones. God has proved Himself faithful in me being a senior and starting to transition out of leadership positions. The newness of being a Christian has worn off, but the familiarity of walking with the Lord and knowing that despite my emotional ups and downs, He will be consistent has brought peace into a chaotic season of life. Even in the midst of weariness and exhaustion from finals, I know God wouldn’t forsake me; in fact He will give me strength in my weakness.

As my favorite mom-blogger says, life is both brutal and beautiful. While she has coined the term “brutiful,” this concept is not new. The balance of the brutal and the beautiful has its roots in the Gospel. Jesus Christ, the most beautiful of human beings, God in human form, took on flesh and died a brutal death so we, as the worst of sinners, the most brutal of human beings, could experience the beauty of life on earth and the promise of perfection in heaven. The brutal reality of my humanity, sin & indiscretions has been turned into beauty by trusting in Christ’s sacrifice. The contrast of these two truths is also significant. I can appreciate the grace of God better the more I see my sin. Just as I can see the beauty of life the more I understand how brutal it can be.

When I was trained to share the Gospel on Summer Project, a staff member emphasized the importance of making sure others knew the “bad news,” or in other words, the consequences of their depravity, before I could share the “good news,” that Jesus had already paid for their sin. The reasoning behind this is because the good news becomes better as we start to comprehend the bad news. On the flip side, the good news isn’t as poignant without the contrary being bad. If I’m not that bad of a sinner, Christ’s death on the cross loses its significance. I have to grasp the bad news, the brutality of life, in order to understand the good news, and see its beauty.

The same can be said about my semester. Without the bad stuff, the good wouldn’t seem so great. If I choose to ignore the brutal, the tough, the frustrating, confusing and disappointing, I also choose to ignore the beauty. So I choose both. I take the brutal so I can experience the beauty, knowing that God can and will redeem the brutal and make it beautiful.

Directionally Challenged

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I’m a senior. Which means I get asked the question daily of, where are you going to be next year. It’s a funny one. I don’t even know what I’m going to eat tomorrow. The planner in me has disappeared, I don’t know where she went, or if she’ll come back, but I’m focused on the here and now. When people ask me questions about the future, I get a very confused look in my eyes and get tempted to ask them, I don’t know what I want to do in ten years, what’s your ten year plan? The problem about senior year, and transition years in people’s lives, is we expect them to have answers and plans. There’s an expectation that they should know where they want to go and how they are going to get there. Newsflash: this is unrealistic.

Yes, having direction is good, but having God is greater. I don’t know where I’m going or what I’m going to be doing, but I have faith in a God who is working all things for my good. I have faith in a God who has made everything beautiful in its time. I have faith in a God who will not leave me or forsake me. I have a wonderful friend who told me, “Your lack of direction and ideas for your future mean that God’s got a pretty big plan for you.” Or something to that effect. And I’m hoping he’s right. God doesn’t ask me to bring my five-year plan to the table so he can approve it, He asks me for the rest of my life and promises to make it beautiful for me. God isn’t going to give His stamp of approval to my plans; He’s going to give me His plans for me. I may not have it all figured out, but I’m trying to trust the God who does (key word in that sentence: trying!).

So what can I do? I can stress out over something that isn’t even in my control, or I can listen and wait on God, ready to move whenever He calls me to. When I try to make my own plans, I trick myself into believing it’s about me, when in reality, it’s about a good God who is going to do GREAT things with my life. I’ll choose to be directionally challenged if it means I’m surrendered to God and not trying to figure out things myself.

Running a Long Distance

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I’m very lucky to lead a house bible study with a sweet friend of mine. Wednesday nights are one of my favorite times of the week getting to go over to Phi Mu and teach others about Jesus and watch Him show up and teach me each week without fail. This semester we’ve been walking through the book of 1 John, line by line. Each week we’ve been asked tough questions, but I just pray that truth gets spoken. Last night, we were in chapter 4, which talks about God’s love and how God loved us first. My co-leader said something very insightful, “God didn’t wait for us to get our act together.” Wow. I’ve been letting than sink in for the last 12 hours. He didn’t wait for me to get my act together. Why? Because if He did, He’d still be waiting. Christianity isn’t the try-harder faith; it isn’t the check-list faith of things you have to accomplish, I am given victory because I admit I can’t achieve it on my own. Crazy backwards in this world that tells me that the harder I work, the more I will achieve. Jesus achieve it all and handed it over to be as a gift that I have to receive in faith.

I so easily fall into trying to get my act together. I watch others do it every day, but the reality is, we don’t have to. Hear that, we don’t have to get our acts together for God. Even when we were still sinners Christ died for us (Romans 5:8). He ran a long distance into our sin, greeted us with a kiss and walked us home (Luke 15). For me, that sin I’m constantly reminded of is performing. I try to act that I’ve got it all together. The story of the prodigal son has hit me very hard this semester. I’ve heard it lots of times, and I can usually identity with the older brother, but lately the imagery of the younger son, the prodigal, has brought me to tear. The younger brother, as we know in the story that is told in Luke, takes his inheritance, wastes it, has a turning point when he realizes he wants to go home, to be his father’s servant, because he’s no longer worthy of being his son. Here’s the image that I can’t let go of: “But while he (the son) was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him” (Luke 15:20). The father, God, ran a long distance to meet his son. God runs a long distance to meet each of us. He doesn’t wait until we’ve got our acts together, He runs into the mess. Then, He is filled with compassion, throws his arms around us and kisses us. Whatever sin I’m struggling through, I can be sure that God is going to meet me in it, have compassion on me and bring back home. I don’t have to get my act together first. I don’t have to even get my act half-together. He travels the distance.

Calm Through the Storm

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There’s a lot going on around me this semester, and a lot going on in me; I’m pretty sure I’m going to look back on this semester years from know and be so confused about how I survived. In many ways I feel like the disciples as the storm approaches and they’re out at sea in Mark 4:35-41. The waves are really strong, they’ve actually started to come up into the boat and the wind is starting to pick up, and Jesus is asleep. Asleep. Well until the disciples wake Him up, saying “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?” Jesus was, and is, the Son of God. He could have stopped the waves; He could have chosen not to sleep, but He didn’t. He was sleep because despite the roughness of the seas, there was nothing for the disciples to be afraid of. Jesus wasn’t pacing wondering if they were going to make it, he was fast asleep on a rocking boat. In fact, once the disciples wake Jesus up, He calms the sea, ends the storm and says to the disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?”

I’ve seen God move mountains in my life, and the lives of the people around me. I have no doubt that Jesus is alive and on the move, so why do I focus on the storm instead of my Savior? My God is working all things for my good, my God is mighty to save, my God can calm storms; the second I start to forget how powerful and good my God is, I become just like the disciples who felt the need to wake Jesus just to be reminded that He wasn’t going to let them die. He isn’t going to leave or forsake me; He’s committed, in it for the long haul.  This doesn’t mean that life is a walk through a field of daisies or a cheesy romantic comedy where the girl and the guy always end up together; life is life, it will be hard, in fact Jesus tells us that. But, I live in the reality of a Jesus who is already victorious and a God who good, so good in fact that I can’t even comprehend His goodness. In this season of constant change, uncertainty and busyness, I pray that I remember how good and powerful God is, that He is in control, even when scary things are happening. I pray that I can find His peace and not try to create my own.

“I Will Be With You”

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I’m in the season of job searching and prayerfully considering what the Lord has for me next year. I’m struggling because I feel like I’m not qualified for the things I want to be doing, or that I’m years off from actually doing what I feel like I’m called to do. I find myself asking God to remind me that I’m qualified for certain things, and expecting a pep talk much like the ones my parents would give me in high school. As I read through Exodus 3, I was taken about by words that the Lord spoke to Moses. The Lord appears to Moses through a burning bush and calls him to lead the Israelites in Egypt. Moses’ response to God is very human, and I think I might have a similar one. He says to God, “Who am I, that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?”(Verse 11). I’m expecting to keep reading and hear God tell Moses what unique qualifications Moses has that makes him perfect for this job, much like my parents would tell me before I went to soccer try-outs or ran for a position in National Honor Society. Instead, “God said, ‘I will be with you’ (verse 12). Wow. All that qualified Moses to lead the Israelites out of Egypt and to eventual freedom is that God is with him.

There is nothing that qualifies for me for anything except the fact that God is with me. I don’t need a pep talk, I just need God — He will rise to any occasion and never leave or forsake me.

My First Love

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At the end of my first semester of my sophomore year, our Cru leadership team met and divided into men and women for dinner. At dinner, a female staff member asked all the women in regards to our ministry, “are you tired in it, or are you tired of it?” As I internalized my feelings from that semester, all I could think of was, I’m completely tired of it; I’m tired of the meetings, I’m tired of follow-ups and I’m just plain tired. My honest voice answered the question, “I’m tired of it, and will there ever be a time when I’m not?” After that semester, I felt hopeless that I would ever enjoy ministry. I entered into my sophomore year with really high expectations and a bundle of energy, but sixteen weeks later, I felt beat up and ready to quit. This moment has become one of the most defining ones of my college career, a moment to which I tell girls about all the time. I am reminded that if I’m tired of it, it being the ministry God has called me to, then I’m probably not doing it with for the right reasons.

Last week was rough. As I drove home to Cincinnati for the weekend, I cried because I felt beat up; I felt like I was holding on to a bumper of a moving car, but I didn’t know where the car was going or why I wanted to hold on so badly.  I took the weekend to rest and asked Jesus over and over again what am I doing and why am I doing it? What should this semester look like if I’m following close after you? Gradually I realized I was asking the wrong questions and trying to fix the wrong problem. The problem wasn’t, “am I doing the right ministry?” but instead, am I letting Jesus be the Lord of every part of my life. In Revelation 2, John writes to the church of Ephesus, “I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I now that you cannot tolerate wicked men, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them to be false. You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love” (Revelation 2:2-4). Yes, good deeds and perseverance matter, but not more than loving Jesus. My ministry is secondary to my identity as a follower of Christ. Focusing on Jesus, moment by moment, is the only way any of my life makes sense. Jesus is my first love, not Cru, or any other ministry. Cru is simply one of the ways I get to serve Jesus in response to all that He has done for me. The second I stop focusing on Jesus, everything goes down hill. In Him it all holds together (Colossians 1:17). In Him I will bear much fruit, apart from Him I can do nothing (John 15).

My prayer is that I never lose sight of my first love; that Jesus be the center and the motivation for everything that I do. I am first and foremost a daughter of Christ that has to shape my every thought, action and word.

By Faith

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I had a melt down in Ikea earlier this week. Like had shortness of breath and starting crying. Over a dresser. Let me tell you a secret, dressers don’t matter in the big scheme of my life. At all. But, the dresser was the last piece of furniture I needed before I went back to Bloomington, for my senior year, my last year at IU. That’s scary. For a 21 year old with no direction in her life, the idea of college ending is enough to induce a panic attack.

Post meltdown, I’ve calmed myself down a lot, but there’s still some anxiety. The thought of where am I going to be this time next year wouldn’t leave my head. I may be spending my last night at home (living here) tonight. And while I know I should be excited for my senior year, I can’t push the uncertainty out of my head. When I was a little baby freshman at IU, I had the stupid idea that by this time in my life, I would have some idea what I wanted to do with my life. Oh boy was I wrong. Three years later, I have some ideas, but nothing concrete.

So, what’s a girl to do? Well, the logical side of my brain tells me that I should figure it out. But then there’s the other side… I don’t know what I’ll call it, but it’s not very logical (this is probably the dominant side of my brain… I like feelings and people… not logic). As I was getting ready to head back to IU after Easter last spring, I was having a very hard time, but the Lord reminded me of something really cool. Hebrews 11 has long been one of my favorite chapters of the Bible; it talks about all the greats of Christianity – Abraham, Moses, Noah, Rahab and many others. The thing that’s striking about it, is that the author (who is unknown) starts a lot of the sentences the same.

By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God’s command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible.  (Verse 3)

By faith Abel offered God a better sacrifice than Cain did. By faith he was commended as a righteous man, when God spoke well of his offerings. And by faith he still speaks, even though he is dead. (Verse 4)

By faith Enoch was taken from this life, so that he did not experience death, he could not be found, because God had taken him away. (Verse 5)

By faith Noah, when warned about things not yet seen, in holy fear built an ark to save his family. By his faith he condemned the world and became heir of righteousness that comes by faith. (Verse 7)

By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going. By faith he made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country, he lived in tents so did Isaac and Jacob, who were heirs with him of the same promise. (Verses 8 & 9)

I could keep going to verse 31, but for the sake of space, I’ll stop. As I re-read the words today, I got tears in my eyes. All of these people did what they did by faith. The first verse of the chapter defines faith, “now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we can not see” (Hebrews 11:1). Wow. This is the mindset and heart-set I want as I approach this year. I want to head back to Bloomington by faith and with faith that God is going to show up, not only this semester and this year, but with how to plan for next year and the next chapter of my life.  I hope that the Lord will reveal this to me, but more than that, I know He’s good. He hasn’t failed me yet.

Values

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I’m learning lots this summer. I’m also healing in places that I did not realize I needed to heal. I’m thankful for the Lord for this; I’ve also gotten very convicted about what I value in life. And if the way that I live is reflective of these values. So, as I start to prep for next school year & start to try on different things I want to do post-college life, I decided to write about what I value. I think it’s important to evaluate… which is different critiquing because I want to reflect and grow, not sit around and talk about all the things that are wrong with me and wrong with the way that I’m living. First and foremost, I value Jesus; His death on the cross, His spirit in me and the example He set for me. It is because of Him that I feel compelled to even talk about the other stuff. Because I want to be more like Him and be more changed by His love. So here we go…

I value honesty. And because I value honestly, I will tell you that I’ve watched a lot of Grey’s Anatomy this summer. A lot. Like 160 episodes. And I’m not ashamed of it. But on a more serious note, honesty and realness walk hand in hand for me. When I don’t know the answer, I will be honest and admit it, sometimes too quickly. The high value I place on honesty sometimes gets me in trouble because 1) I assume that people actually care what I really think and 2) I’m not always graceful in telling what I believe to be true. I’m working on both of those though, honestly.

I value growth. Even when it hurts. Which it usually does. Because it has to. I am a work in progress; I’ve seen that growth in my life looks like one step forward and two steps back, but at least I’ve taken that one step forward. We’re all constantly changing. It’s hard, but it’s good. I want my life to reflect Jesus more and more, but that requires me to die to myself and to be transformed into the image of Christ, which is growth. Growth in a person who loves herself less and loves Jesus more. I value growth in myself and I also value it in others. I give snaps for small steps of faith and get excited over the tiniest little thing that demonstrates growth.

I value stories. I’ll do almost anything for the sake of a story. One thing I’m sure of – God writes beautiful stories. He’s the best author. I love reading stories – real and made up – and I love listening to people tell their stories. Stories inspire me, they teach me and they force my eyes upward to God, the one who has carefully tangled all of our stories together from the beginning to the end.

I value truth and grace. While these should be two separate values, I have trouble living them out equally in my life, so I’ll keep them together now. I want to speak more truth and extend more grace. I value the truth that is spoken in the Bible and the grace that God demonstrated towards me & humanity in Christ’s brutal death on the cross. In my life, most of my problems come from a place of not valuing truth and grace enough because if I did, I’d fear and respect God more. And want to obey more. But hey, I’m learning and growing.

I value people. And their opinions. This goes hand in hand with valuing stories, but I love people so much that I want to spend my whole life fighting with them and alongside them. I believe that each person is created in God’s image and that there’s something good in each of us worth fighting for. I wish I was better at investing in and listening to people. Maybe if I stopped watching so much Grey’s Anatomy I would. I can’t wait for heaven where I’ll get to learn about people and spend eternity with them. If I can pry myself away from dancing with Jesus and asking Him lots and lots of questions.

I could keep going. I value freedom. I value family. I value friends. I value fitness. But I think this is my starting point. At this point in time these what I believe to be important in my life. The things I will fight for. I want to live in light of what I believe to be important. I want to walk closely with Jesus and have what He values become what I value. I pray that this be true of me, that I can value what God values above what the world does and because of that, He can be glorified.

Stories of His Writing

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Eight years ago, I attended a summer camp called Summer of Service through the Vineyard Community Church in Cincinnati. This camp was dedicated to showing God’s love in a practical way. I was going into 8th grade, I had been going to Catholic Church since I was born, but I can say without a doubt, that SOS was where I first heard about a personal relationship with Christ. It is during these 5 days that I was exposed to the reality of a God who was living and active. While I wanted to make a commitment to Christ during that week, and the same week a year later, I did not fully surrender my life… I didn’t know how.

Fast-forward five years. I was a freshman at Indiana University and God used two girls from the Vineyard Church in Indianapolis to show me that not only was a personal relationship with Christ possible, but it was something that I could have. I trusted Christ as my personal Lord and Savior during the fall of 2009, after numerous people had shared the Gospel with me, and I realized that being good, or my perception of good, was not going to get me anything.

As I sat in tonight’s session of SOS, where Beth Guckenberger, one of my favorite speakers and founder of the non-profit I’m working at this summer, spoke, I saw that God has written such a beautiful story for me. He has brought me so far. Even before I was walking with Him, He was carefully choosing my steps. Beth spoke tonight about something that had been on my heart all day and numerous times this summer – we don’t know what the next 10 years of our lives look like, we simply take the next step in faith that God will show up in big ways. It’s the small acts of obedience that the Lord works through and honors. I’m so thankful of the ways God has empowered me in the past 8 years to obey His will and His plan.

Not only do the many moments of experiencing God’s goodness and provision today remind me that my God does crazy things and will continue to write a beautifully unique story for my life, but it also gives me hope. It gives me hope that the people who I love most in my life, but don’t know Jesus will come to know Him; and when I do get discouraged, I hear Beth’s famous words in head saying, “the story isn’t over yet”.