Freedom in my Brokenness

It’s Monday and I’m back! I have been writing inconsistently the past couple weeks, partially due to busyness and partially because I haven’t had the words. But today I’m here, writing and sharing, praying that God is honored by what I write. So without more excuses, here are some things I’m loving:

1.) I’m on day 21 of closet reset. In case you haven’t heard, I stripped my closet down to 50 items. For a clothing lover like me, this was a hard decision to make, but it has been wonderful! One day this past week, I stood in my closet and had a the thought, “I have nothing to wear,” but very quickly, I realized that this feeling would not be solved with any more items to choose from. I was being bratty and indecisive. A lot of the fears and anxieties I had about this reset have been overcome.

2.) Part of the reason I haven’t been writing as much lately is because I cannot seem to put down books. In the past couple weeks, I’ve read Tina Fey’s Bossypants, Roger Hershey’s The Finishers and Margaret Feinberg’s Fighting Back With Joy. Each was fantastic. I recommend all three. As much as I try to read fiction, and I really do try, I always come back to nonfiction. I love reading people’s stories, I love learning and understanding the world from different perspectives. At the beginning of the year, I seemed to be on a stretch of some mediocre books. Some were good, but then others were so hard to get through. The past most has been a welcome change.

3.) Still on the topic of reading, a big Amazon order that I placed came over the weekend! It included books, but also my selfie stick. I am so stinkin’ excited, I can barely handle it. I am eager for summer adventures and selfies. Also in the order was the book, Slow Church. Two chapters in and I want to crawl and live inside it. Intentional, transformative communities, churches that serve those outside their 4 walls are the topic of conversation. If you read it, I’d love to hear your thoughts!

4.) I cannot get enough of Target lately. Even if I don’t buy anything (read: very few things), it has become a favorite past-time of mine to go and walk around. I may have gone 4 times in 2 weeks…

5.) I shared some thoughts on Mother’s Day last Monday on Ministry from a Millennial.

Hope your week is off to a great start!

So much of my life – habits, convictions and thoughts – swing on a pendulum. With an addictive personality, sometimes I have to completely give up a habit, a food, a practice, in order to regain control.

In April, I gave up sweets because I felt like I had to reset my body. In full disclosure, I was not able to go fully without, but I regained a happy medium. It took giving it up completely to allow my body to normalize. Then, when I added it back in, I was able to do so that did not involve binging on sugar and then ending up with a stomach ache.

In January, I resolved to stop using the “f-word.” While I am a fan of using strong language when it is needed to communicate an argument, cussing had become a first response to me. I would drop my keys or get cut off in traffic and suddenly an obscenity was already out of my mouth. I am excited to say that in 4 months, my language has changed for the better.

Last August I stopped drinking dark soda. I said good-bye to Coke and Dr. Pepper for good, transitioning to Sprite or Ginger Ale if I truly needed something with carbonation. I knew that I could not drink Coke in moderation; I loved it too much. I went from a former 32 ounces a day of Coke girl, to someone who drinks a decent amount of coffee, and a lot of water. Most days I don’t even miss the Coke.

I have recently swung the pendulum of my closet. While I considered taking a break from shopping, I did something more extreme – I packed away all but 50 items of clothing. I did not count how many items were hanging in my closet and on shelves prior to the transformation, but if I had to guess, it was probably close to 300. I’ve left a mixture of dresses, pants, sweaters, shirts, tank tops and jackets/blazers. Some items are my favorites, others I’ve kept because they are versatile.

So why? I actually wear probably 75% of the items that I own, so it’s not out of an effort to wear more items. I just want to focus on what matters. A lot of people who I respect are talking about the freedom that comes with having less. I started to wonder if they’re onto something that could be freeing in my own life.

As I started to wonder, think and pray about this closet revolution, it became clear that it was actually exactly what I needed. I’ve developed some bad habits in how I view clothing and appearance.

•  Somewhere along the way, I started to believe that how I dressed and presented myself was more important that the skills I brought to the table. It became more about looking the part than being the part. I have skills, experiences and abilities to offer, and yet, I choose to believe that how I looked and dressed was more important. Confidence should never come from clothes instead of Christ.
• I have become a person who does not like to repeat outfits. I take pride in always wearing new things. This leads me to buy for events, and not needs.

I wish I could blame working in retail on the bad habits I’ve development. But that would be a cop-out. Truthfully, it comes down to pride. I like to be the girl who looks together and has new things. For about a year, I’ve been able to justify this pridefulness — “Well, I let people borrow my clothes” or “At least I stay in budget” or “I wear most everything in my closet.” But, as I searched my heart, there were changes that needed to be made.

I want to encourage vulnerability in others. I want to steward my money, time and energy well. I want to focus on Godly things, not be distracted by clutter. I want my confidence to be rooted in Christ. I want to live a life worthy of the calling I’ve received. I want to live a life of freedom.

All of these desires require me to walk away from bad habits when I identify them in myself. If the Holy Spirit is convicting me in an area of righteousness, I want to obey. As inconsequential as removing items from my closet may seem (#firstworldproblems), it’s what I desire the Lord to cultivate in me that matters most. A life of contentment, rooted in confidence in Christ.

What bad habits have you broken? What benefits did you see in walking away from them?

Also: shout-out to a great group of women who were in for the challenge with me. It always helps to not feel like you’re in it alone.

I used to only have three speeds – fast, very fast and asleep. Now I let the season and need determine my speed. Despite a quiet weekend last weekend, I felt like I needed another one this weekend, so I did just that. Few plans, lots of open time, two runs, one book read and meals cooked. It was so good. And the weather is warm and our apartment pool is open. Hallelujah!

1. I wore my bathing suit yesterday and got to lay by the pool. Our apartment complex can feel a little bit like a frat party during the summer, but I wouldn’t complain because since our management caters to young people, they open our pool at the beginning of May and keep it open through the end of September. None of the Memorial Day to Labor Day crap. We get an extra two months. This sun goddess could not be happier.

2. I hung out with Tina Fey this weekend. No, we’re not besties, although I do have a new celebrity crush. I read her book, Bossypants on Saturday and Sunday. Start to finish. I highly recommend it. I love the way she uses humor to tackle some serious issues. She also tells a lot of jokes for the sake of telling jokes, which I really appreciate.

3. Taco night is the best night. On Saturday we hosted girls from our small group, and we had tacos. Tacos satisfy those with eating restrictions and those who eat anything. Each person gets to build their perfect taco, even if that’s a taco salad. Plus, margaritas… my favorite!

3. When the weather is beautiful, a donut date and a walk in the park with your best friend is always a good idea. I am so thankful that I have been able to continue building relationships from college, and that some of my very best friends live close enough to meet on a Saturday morning. There’s something special about a friend who can tell if you’re lying, but will always remind you that she trusts you. It’s HUGE. The trees were blooming and the donuts were awesome! What a way to kick off the weekend!

My week is off to a busy start, but it’s a 4 day week. My sister graduates over the weekend, so I’m headed out of town at the end of the week. Hope you have a great week!

Running has unintentionally become a metaphor for my life. I say unintentionally because I never really wanted to be a runner. At first I wasn’t good at it. Then my asthma held me back. Then I fought off hip flexors and shin splints. I spent ages twelve through twenty fighting off running despite my participation in soccer and track. It was a necessary evil; I really wanted to do yoga, the elliptical or take workout classes, but running pursued me.

Somewhere along the line I stopped fighting running. I gave into it. As I’ve surrendered to it, running has become one of my spiritual disciplines.

I ran the Carmel Half Marathon on Saturday. While the weather was perfect, my race ended up being less than perfect. I set a time goal for completion based on my previous half marathon. This was the goal I kept in my mind when I ran through the snow in February. This was the goal that I focused on and prepared for. And then race day came. I actually ran this race slower than my previous half marathon despite focusing more on training the past 3 months.

I was disappointed. Let’s just say that there were tears on Saturday between miles 9 and 13.

I felt defeated.

In the midst of my pity party, I asked God what He was trying to teach me. While I did not feel teachable as my calf muscles cramped and tears ran down my face, as soon as I crossed that finish line, I was going to be done with this race, so I needed to process then because I was not going to process it later.

1. This lesson is not metaphoric or deep, its just reality. The cramps in my calves that forced me to run were likely due to dehydration. I hope to run another half marathon and actually run the whole thing, hopefully at my goal time, but to do that, I will have to learn how to better hydrate my body. I don’t always love my body well. I make my best effort, but I’m 24 and usually work at least 55 hours a week, so eating well and hydrating are not at the top of my priority list. This is a huge area I hope to grow. Too many times I use busyness be an excuse for things. If I do not learn how to priority drinking water, going to the grocery store and cooking good food, the rest of my life is going to be a mess. Taking care of the important stuff first is a life lesson I’ve got to learn.
2. I failed to let community run alongside me. I was too busy being angry that my parents were not coming into town that I did not think to have them download the app that would allow them to track me. I did not think to give my bib number to a fellow running and praying friend. When we face tasks that are difficult, no matter how hard we’ve trained, we must invite our people into it. We were not meant to go through life alone, and the tricky part is asking people to come alongside you.

3. Sometimes the lesson lies in the training, not in the race. I had so many good training runs this spring. I watched my body get faster and stronger. I ran in the snow and in the sunshine. To God, it was way more about the lessons he wanted to teach me through training than how fast I ran on race day. So often I focus on the finish line, not the journey there. The most important lessons will not be learned on race day, but in the months leading up to it. The anticipation, the discipline, the sweat, the tears — this is where the growth is.

After my race, I went home, plugged in my phone, curled up in a ball and cried for a couple minutes. Then, I took a shower and jumped in a car to head to a wedding for a good friend. I’m learning how to rebound from disappointment, and perhaps that’s just one of the many lessons God is going to force me to learn.

Sometimes I buy into the lie that I need to create space, choose silence, for the purpose of creating, of writing, of processing. In the past couple weeks, I’ve been fighting for the space, and believe me, it has been a fight, and yet the words aren’t coming. My vision does not necessarily feel clearer. Even though the silence and space is not a launching pad, that does not mean it is wasted.

So often we fill up the gas tank of life only to go on a long drive and burn through the fuel quickly. Who wants to leave a car with a full gas tank parked in their driveway? No one. Cars are meant to be driven. But my body is not a car, and my soul is not a vehicle to add miles onto.

Right now I do necessarily feel the creativity flowing, but the silence is restoring me. The silence and the stillness are creating in me something new.

In the quiet balcony of my apartment, I feel my breathing deepen and my heart beat slow.

Restoration is not for the sake of falling right back into the same behaviors that necessitated the restoring. It’s about being brought back to the original place so you can do it again, with a new perspective, and hopefully in a different way. For me, I hope this means I can create better. But, it may mean something new entirely. Perhaps not doing any one thing better, but being better.

This year I have been learning new rhythms. They create space for more grace and more depth. But sometimes, I want to default back to old patterns, and my old way, where more is better and fast is the only way. For anyone who has tried running, you know that it is impossible to run two paces at the same time. And yet I try. I try to be both a sprinter and a marathoner at the same time, failing equally at both.

There are growing pains in learning this new, slower rhythm. The silence can feel lonely, or the depth can feel so vulnerable. But the growing pains are good. They are evidence that growth is happening, newness is springing up within me.

Confidence, security and transparency with the Lord are all worth learning new rhythms, and the discomfort that comes along with them. They are worth sitting in the silence, even when it feels unproductive. The Lord does not long to restore my soul to enable me to create, but because I am His creation. My life will be His masterpiece, not what I write or speak, but me. Me, in His image, being used for His glory.

It is only in the silence that my soul can be restored, and I can begin to let Him create in me. What He is creating in me is far better than anything I can create.