My feelings usually rock me to my core. I feel sadness, betrayal, hurt, happiness, job and peace very strongly. My heart is a very big, sensitive one and it breaks over the littlest things. I so easily give it away to people and to causes, often times bringing myself pain along the way. I find pleasure in the small things – ice cream, shenanigans between friends, mixed berry skittles, having random dance parties, but I also tend to take things very personally and I experience pain very deeply; I cry at least once a week. However, God gave me the big, huge heart that I have. My sin has put me through some crap in the past year, so that I could grow and so I could trust God to comfort me. God gave me my heart and has allowed me to feel and experience what I have, not only to draw me closer to Him, but to be able to love on people around me even better.
This weekend, I had some time to feel hurt. Because I get so frustrated with my emotions and my sensitive heart, my first inclination when I start feeling something is to get frustrated with myself. It’s as though I believe that God is not present in my pain. However, God is as present in my pain as He is in my joy. In Genesis 48, God says to Joseph “I know, my son, I know”. And at the end of Matthew 28, Jesus says, “Surely I am with you always.” When times get yucky, God doesn’t run from us; instead, He’s there to wipe away our tears when we cry. As I started to get angry at myself for feeling things, God in a way slapped me in the face and said, pause, you’re forgetting what’s true. He said, “it breaks my heart to see you hurting. I want you to know that you are truly loved. You are never second best, you, Caitlin, are my daughter.” It’s realizing those truths that comfort me. When we are in pain, God is in pain, but He’s willing to allow us to feel that pain to grow and heal us.
A very dear friend said me last night, “God allows us to feel things. It’s not bad to feel.” Amen. God allows me to feel hurt and pain so I can remember where I’ve come from and where I’m headed. It’s easy to trust God when everything is going well, but to trust Him when time are yucky and when our hearts are hurting is more difficult… but it makes us stronger. God allows me heart to break and for me to experience pain so that I can grow closer to Him. He wants to be the center of my life and redeem every area & sometimes that means that He needs me to hurt in order to make this happen.