I don’t do well with transition. Not for a lack of trying or praying. It was actually my transition to college when Jesus captured my heart because I couldn’t make sense of my own life anymore. Anyways, I started praying for my transition out of college last summer, and throughout the semester I haven’t stopped. The prayers have looked different – help me finish well, prepare community for me wherever I end up, not my will, but Yours, God. This transition has already been particularly difficult, and I’ve confessed to friends feeling lost, broken and confused. I feel like a sheep wandering aimlessly. I’m just struggling with how to move on post-college, which leaves me paralyzed and unsure if I want to get out of bed in the morning. I toss and turn all night and then it takes all my strength to put one foot in front of another and walk to class.
In the midst of feeling so broken, or as I keep referring to myself, “a hot mess”, I’m trying to say good-byes, finish up discipleship for the year and celebrate a great time living with my roommates. While my brain is running a million miles a minute, the Lord spoke a sweet truth to me this afternoon. I was confessing and crying and upset that I have nothing let to give, nothing left to offer. God so kindly reminded me that I have never had anything to bring to the table. It has never been about what I have to offer. God declares that His power is made perfect in my weakness. I have never felt so weak in my life.
My sister encouraged me to make a list of all the times I’ve felt overwhelmed, inadequate and paralyzed by the future and claim truth over it. It was beautiful to process through God’s goodness in seasons when I felt overcome by my emotions. My ability to acknowledge that God is good is not conditional on how I feel. I walked to campus yesterday and told the Lord that because my feelings are fleeting, I will cling to what I know. I know that God is good. I know that God is faithful. I know that God is working all things for my good. I know that despite that I bring nothing to the table except my tears, God will use my weakness for His good.