When I thought about this summer, there was a feeling in the pit of stomach wondering if I way actually being obedient about coming back home for the summer, or if I was being a baby about not wanting to raise support again. Or take care of myself. Because on paper living on home seems easy. My parents pay for everything, I had a job to come back to, and it’s not hard to find a church in the city of Cincinnati – I can name 3 mega churches off the top of my head. I’ve had it drilled in my head that comfort is the opposite of faith – living with all my needs met does not force me to rely on God.
Then I moved home. And home is great. But it’s not super comfortable. Yes, I sleep in a comfortable bed every night, but I am daily dying to myself. I love my internship, but some days, it’s hard. Seeing the faces of orphan children breaks my heart, and interacting in donors can sometimes be difficult, and my back sometimes hurts from filing things. I get a great discount at J.Crew for working there, but working two jobs in exhausting, and I work with another Caitlin, two Katies and a Kait, so I rarely get credit for my sales, or make my sales goals. Plus, customers get annoyed when you ask them if they need help. But, I know I’m where God wanted me this summer.
Every time I fold a pile of clothes only to watch a customer immediately mess it up, I know I’m right where God wants me.
Every time I have a conversation with my eleven-year-old brother about Jesus, I know I’m right where God wants me.
Every time I eat lunch with the women from work at the “food and life table”, I know I’m right where God wants me.
Every time I sit down to spend time with the Lord without an ending time and no discipleship to plan for, I know I’m right where God wants me.
Every time I get to empty the dishwasher or run an errand for my mom, I know I’m right where God wants me.
Living missionally and depending on God amidst the uncertainty is easy – it’s all there is to do, but this summer, walking back into an environment that I lived in before walking with Jesus has been hard. It’s been humbling to realize that 16 year-old me might be disappointed with the 21 year-old version of me. I’ve lost some ambition, I didn’t stick to “the plan”, but that’s life. And each day I have to depend on Jesus to remind me why I’m here, and to tell me that I’m right where He wants me.