Being back in Bloomington is a weird feeling for me. I left for this summer and God did a number on my heart, and I will probably never be the same because of it. But just as when we change in any way, it’s hard to go back to a familiar place – it reminds us of who we used to be, the people we’ve disappointed and it’s so easy to fall back into our previous expectations. Bloomington has been that place for me; the city and the campus hold so many beautiful memories, but they also have an ability to remind me of the dark places I’ve gone away from God, and the times when I’ve been unable to trust and rely on Him alone.
The past week has brought me to my knees in awe of His glory, but I’ve also been moved to tears remembering the people I’ve hurt, and the mistakes I’ve made. God surely is teaching me right now, though. I’m learning so much more about myself simply by slowing down and not doing everything that I’m actually able to experience the beauty of living in a house with 90 girls. I’m learning that God honors my putting my relationship with Him above ministry obligations. He honors our sacrifices, He is faithful, He will provide. He has provided me with second chances (and third, fourth, and fifth chances). I don’t have to look back on last year with any regrets – I’m free from the sin and the shame of the sin. I get another year to be present in my sorority and put others ahead of myself. I get another year to trust God in leadership within Cru – a scary one because I easily make things about me and not about Him.
This is my third fall in Bloomington, and I have a good feeling about it. I have few expectations – I working on having none, but I’m a work in progress. This week, I’m praising God that I don’t have live in regret about what I did and didn’t do last year; I’m praising Him for second chances to love and serve Him, but this time as a completely different person.