“In this great day when most women wave banners of authenticity about our pasts, we crouch back from honesty about our presents. We’ll tell you all about our broken places of yesterday, but don’t dare admit the limitations of our today.” (Lysa TerKeurst, The Best Yes)
My senior year of college, I was in a relationship. It was good relationship that brought out really good parts of me, but it also exposed some scary parts of my heart. During that season, I was very open about past sin in my life – eating issues, control issues, pride issues, boundary issues, but if you would have sat across from me with coffee mugs between us, I wouldn’t have dared tell you about the insecurities in my heart. I would have asked you about your life, listened, nodded, and prayed to close us out. I would have told you how excited I was about what I felt God had in store for the next season with a confident smile. I may have begun to share about how I felt pressure to figure everything out, but that I was confident in where God was leading. I would have been lying through my teeth.
I can only recall one or two conversations during that season where I was actually honest about my fears and insecurities. It was easier to talk about places where I had already been freed by God than to admit that I was struggling. I was struggling to believe that outside of the relationships, God was moving in my life. I was struggling to see just how much God loved and cared about me, even outside of all the things I was doing for Him; He was delighted in me, and I could not see it.
In some ways, I have not quite learned my lesson. I let myself direct my day and then ask for grace on top of what top of what has already been done. Instead, another option exists – let grace and love guide my day. In the second option, I relinquish control up front instead of admitting that I was never in control to begin with. There is ample amount of grace for yesterday and today, but yet I believe the lie that if I try hard enough, I wouldn’t need grace for today. Like the season two years ago, I knew there was grace for things in my past, but I did not want to believe that I needed grace for the present. I was doing okay; I had it all under control.
When I am not open with my closest friends about my here and now, I deprive God of the opportunity to immediately grant me grace. Even if I haven’t finished walking through it, I can share about what I’m going through, knowing that to struggle is a human thing. Perhaps my openness about my here and now, whatever that looks like, will empower other women to be open as well.