Caitlin Snyder

Fear

Published on September 20, 2014 by Caitlin SnyderLeave a comment

August has been a whirlwind of a month. It started lakeside with some of my most favorite friends. We spent Saturday night catching each other up on our lives. The real stuff, the nitty gritty, not the Facebook/Instagram versions of who we are. We got real. We shared some dreams and some frustrations. I told my best friend that I wanted it to be Lake Weekend every weekend; she kindly reminded me that it wouldn’t be real life, and that we all have a threshold for vulnerability. That weekend really set the tone for the past couple weeks. I felt like I left the weekend with more questions than I arrived with, even though my heart was incredibly full.

No one told me how difficult grown up life was going to be. It’s hard, gut wrenching work to wrestle with your life’s calling, to discern the difference between good and right and to live in the present, taking into account when bills are due. Add in actually living life and it’s enough to make me want to throw in the towel on adulthood. Note: I’ve tried throwing in the towel, but everyone keeps telling me that it’s impossible. I’m learning about some of my big-time insecurities that I’ve spent the last 7 years trying to ignore. Scary fears that have been causing me to walk with a limp and not even realize it.

Last week, while reading Brene Brown’s Daring Greatly (shameless plug), I asked myself the questions: What are you afraid of? What are those fears preventing you from doing? I think the first question is fairly easy to answer, but it’s that second one that pierced my already fragile, tender heart. It’s a good thing to put a face on our fears. Our teachers and parents have been telling us to do that since we were in elementary school. But, putting a face on a fear doesn’t mean it is not still crippling. It was asking that question when I realized just how much I’ve let fear rule my life. I’ve let fear dictate the path and set the pace. Have you ever tried to run at someone else’s pace? It’s hard, even if it’s slower than you normally run; it’s uncomfortable and sometimes more tiring. Fear’s been doing that to me for as long as I can remember.

I keep asking myself where do I go from here? This weird, uncertain, really raw place where I sometimes cry in my car. Who do I become once I’ve stripped away fears that I’ve let define me for the majority of adult life? Who am I, really? And, can I sort all this stuff out by Monday morning since it’s the start of a 60-hour work week?

I wish there was a ten-step plan to work through on my own timeline, which would obviously be the next week, not the next few years. I also wish it were easier, or just less painful. But there’s not ten-step plan and there’s no quick fix, although I try to prove that shopping solves some of the problems.

I think the first step choose to be brave. Brave has to mean different things in different contexts. Brave for the Apostle Paul was returning to Jerusalem knowing that persecution awaited him, but that he could not be disobedient. He was brave because he obeyed and he showed up in an uncomfortable situation.

I’m not marching into persecution and three years in prison, at least that I know of, but I still think brave right now for me means to keep showing up. Showing up for my friends. Showing up for my jobs. Showing up for myself. Being present in this moment knowing that this moment is enough. Knowing that I’m enough. Learning to run at my own pace. Just let me figure out what my pace is first.

Monday Lovin’

Published on September 20, 2014 by Caitlin SnyderLeave a comment

It is a Happy Monday! With a full heart and refreshed spirit, I head back into work this morning feeling encouraged by deep friendships and beautiful backdrops. When you have a friend whose parents have a lake house within driving distance, invite a fun group of people and GO! I promise you wouldn’t regret it. Oh, and wait until the second night, after a full day in the sun, to ask a deep questions. Sit back, listen, share, and encourage as people talk. It’s a sacred thing to watch.

Monday Lovin’

Published on September 20, 2014 by Caitlin SnyderLeave a comment

Happy Monday! Man, Mondays are tough, especially after a fabulous three day weekend getaway. I spent the weekend in Cleveland hanging out with two of my favorite people! I’ve known Sami for about 5 years; we met my freshman year at IU and I had no idea at the time the role she would go onto play in my life. It was Sami who introduced Jesus to me, and shared about just how much He loves me (while sitting on the floor of Ballentine Hall eating paninis). It was Sami who greeted me when I ran off the Rush Bus on Bid Day. It was Sami who I cried to over the phone the night before my grandmother’s funeral. It was Sami who introduced me to Mad Mushroom cheesy bread. It was Sami who came out with me at midnight on my 21st Birthday, even though she had to student teach in the morning.

Sami and her husband, Chris, now live in Cleveland, which is the perfect destination for a weekend away. Cleveland has awesome restaurants, breweries, parks, a beach, a cool skyline, and lots of green space. I loved getting to lay-out and eat some good food while spending time with sweet friends. We also watched Law & Order: SVU — my favorite!

Sami and Chris also recently got a dog, a golden-doodle named Graham, who is ADORABLE! He was a blast to take on walks and since he’s a puppy, he’s super playful. He’s literally the cutest thing I’ve ever seen!

Thank you Sami and Chris for hosting me this weekend! I loved having the opportunity to see Cleveland, and spend such great time with the two of you! It is such a gift to have friends who have known me over highs and lows in my life. I’m thankful for lifelong friends who remind me of just how good God is.

Monday Lovin’

Published on September 20, 2014 by Caitlin SnyderLeave a comment

Happy Monday! The morning came early for me today, and now I’m off to start another week. This week I want to choose joy over frustration, disappointment and worry. Here are some things that help me choose joy.

Great friends: There is something special about deep friendships that is good for my heart. Friends unafraid to ask hard questions, friends who can jump from a serious topic to a witty one-liner without notice, friends who tell you what you need to hear without prompting. Relationships are worth the fight.

My job: Adoption comes at a high cost, both emotionally and financially, and with risk. I believe God honors the risk. There are two specific stories of kiddos whose lives have been changed by adoption and for them it has meant life. On days when it’s hard to get out of bed or the monotony is a little draining, I think of the faces of the sweet kids to whom adoption is one of the ways God is redeeming their pasts.

I am enough and I have enough: This new saying of mine is helping me remember that things aren’t going to make me happy and to not use spending money to escape from reality. Real life is hard work, the mornings come early and there’s always another bill due or meal to cook, but mixed in with the real is really rich moments that I miss if I’m trying to numb myself to the hard stuff.

Obedience

Published on September 20, 2014 by Caitlin SnyderLeave a comment

I’ve been hanging out in the Early Church with the Apostles this month. No, but really. I have not learned time travel, but in spending time the book of Acts I’m learning about these brave, bold men and women who were followers of The Way before Christianity was officially Christianity. Each person fits into the story in a special way, as if the story depends on him or her to play his or her role. And the dependence on the Holy Spirit is undeniable; I want to live more like the Early Church, open to the true power of the Risen Christ in my life, Him living in me and through me.

I usually camp out in the Pauline Epistles with Paul. I love me some Paul. Freedom, grace, love – these are a few of my favorite things. But right now, I’m captivated by Ananias. It’s Ananias who speaks to Saul, after Saul has encountered Christ, and Ananias says, “Brother Saul, the Lord – Jesus, who appeared to you on the road as you were coming here – has sent me so that you may see again and be filled with the Holy Spirit” (Acts 9:17). This, seemingly small moment, is a bold act of obedience for Ananias; no one really knew if Saul could be trusted, or if the Holy Spirit was going to soften Saul’s heart. Saul could have ordered Ananias to be put to death, or even acted indifferent towards the words Ananias spoke. And yet, this act of obedience for Ananias changes history.

We don’t know much else about Ananias, but we do have lots of additional information about Saul, our friend Paul who, led by the Holy Spirit, authored about half of the New Testament. I’m blown away by Ananias though. His obedience means so much in light of we get to know on this side of history. Yes, in the vision, Ananias is told that Paul is going to be God’s “chosen instrument”, so he has some idea of what could happen, but God tells and Ananias obeys.

God uses this ordinary act of obedience to produce extraordinary results.

Not all acts of obedience are made equal. Sometimes it takes years or generations to see the fruit. Sometimes something that seems big doesn’t take a lot of thought or second-guessing. Sometimes obeying is the last thing we want to do. But we obey. After reading and thinking on Ananias’ radical obedience and the boldness of the Early Church, I want to obey better, in the small stuff and the big stuff. I want to live knowing that has created a special role for me in the building of His Kingdom, but I need to say yes, to be able to step into it. It may be a baby step, a seemingly unimportant conversation, or huge leap of faith, but as Ananias demonstrates, obedience leads to something extraordinary.

A Month

Published on September 20, 2014 by Caitlin SnyderLeave a comment

I’ve had A MONTH. A month with no breathing room. A month where I feel like I gave way more than I got. A month full of uncertainty, no rights and no wrongs. A month of a lot of moving, but not much progress. A month that has thrown me back on my butt.

The scary thing is how well I can do these months. Months without time to process, without time to cook a real meal and months without time to even watch Netflix. I can power through just about anything. Eventually I go numb. A couple of weeks ago, I canceled my evening plans to give myself a night to breathe. I spent good time processing on the treadmill and realized just how much bondage I am in… to being busy. Seriously, it’s like a new addiction. Thus the numbness.

When I choose busyness over a slower pace and space, I miss out on so much. I am so preoccupied with what comes next that I forget to stop and say a prayer of thanks for what is. I miss out on the opportunity to see the people around me for who they are, and not just how they fit into my schedule. The most dangerous thing that happens is that I start to define myself based on what I’m doing and not who I am. Why is this one the most dangerous? Because if I’m measured based on what I do, I fail every time. Defining myself based on doing and not being puts me on the throne. It forces me in performance mode. It changes how I view God.

I want to be concerned about being so that the doing flows naturally. In a society obsessed with what you do for a living and what you’ve achieved, I want to be defined solely by who I am and what I stand for. I want my 5 year goals to be about characteristics I want God to develop in me, not things to check off the list. I want to get lost in the truth that God says I’m enough, and not exhaust myself trying to prove to the world that I am.

It’s time to slow down. To exhale. To rest. To remember that I have enough and that I am enough.

Monday Lovin’

Published on September 20, 2014 by Caitlin SnyderLeave a comment

Happy Monday! Mondays seems more difficult in the summer when the weekends are packed with fun things. Last weekend was full of excitement, and I spent all last week recovering, only to have another exciting weekend. I feel so blessed to have special friends to do life with. It seems that these days there’s always something worth celebrating! Things I’m loving this Monday:

1.) About a month ago, I had shared that I loved being able to join support teams of my friends going on mission trips or going into vocational ministry. Even more fun is getting their prayer letters updating me on how God is moving. As I opened my mail this past week, I was giddy reading about the ways God is using my dear friends to take the Gospel to new places. Prayer letters are the best!

2.) This bride. She’s a special one. I loved having the opportunity to celebrate her two weeks before she gets married. I have no doubt in my mind that she’s going to make an excellent Mrs. Cooper!

3.) Fresh fruit. ‘Tis the season for yummy fruit! I loved being about to go to the grocery store this weekend and load up on fruit for the week. I cannot wait to satisfy my sweet tooth with things that are good for me and not just junk. (Although… ice cream!)

4.) Summer vacation adventures. I’ve managed to save up all my PTO since I started working in September to use for fun times this summer. I cannot wait for a beach vacation with my extended family, time in Cleveland, a lake weekend and finishing up the summer in Las Vegas. It’s hard to believe that I will have taken two Las Vegas vacations in the 2014. I’m so blessed to have friends who live all over the country who are eager for visitors!

Monday Lovin’

Published on September 20, 2014 by Caitlin SnyderLeave a comment

I’ve been slacking on Monday Lovin’; partially because I’m a workaholic and partially because I’ve just been so busy, but I figured better late than never this week. Without further ado, the things I’m loving this week.

1) The Pacers. Being raised in Cincinnati, I’ve gotten to root for whichever NBA team I wanted. In high school, LeBron James played for Cleveland, and so my family rooted for Cleveland. Then he left, and my dad being the huge sports fan that he is, decided that he was still going to root for LeBron. Moving to Indianapolis this fall has put me in an awkward position sports wise. It’s a no brainer to root for IU sports, and I’ve always liked the Colts, but the Pacers have taken more time. Needless to say, I’m pulling for the Pacers. It’s fun to see a city rally around their athletes and their teams. I also love the way the Pacers play as a team and not as individuals; it’s so encouraging.

2) Summer. While it goes without saying, I’m already loving the summer time. Warm weather, fruity drinks, and lots of time by the pool – it puts everyone in a better mood. If you haven’t already, I recommend you try the Coors Light Summer Brew; it’s fantastic!

3) The Monon. While training for the mini marathon, I fell in love with the Monon. My love affair didn’t end with the race. This summer my motto is “Get fast, get fit, get tan.” I’m hoping to run another half marathon this fall, and I want to train better and smarter, and that starts now, with some long runs on the Monon. It’s a good thing I like it!

4) She Reads Truth. A daily devotional right out of the Bible. It’s a great way to start my morning, or if I’m being completely honest, end my day. It’s the perfect length and right now we’re reading through Nehemiah, a book of the Bible I’ve never read through. I’m really enjoying learning more and getting to read scripture in a new way. My favorite way to study scripture is to go deep and truly pick it apart, but this is perfect for the season of life I’m in right now. Reading it every day keeps me rooted and focused on what matters. I’ve been feeling really weighed down by grown up stuff – health insurance, cars, jobs, etc. so the reminder of eternity and God’s faithfulness through the scriptures is just what I need.

I hope you enjoyed your Memorial Day weekend! I’m thankful for all those who have served our wonderful country. We are blessed because of their sacrifice! Have a great week!

One Year Post-College

Published on September 20, 2014 by Caitlin SnyderLeave a comment

Exactly a year ago today, I graduated from college. Cue the tears because college was an amazing four years, and I still can’t believe it’s over. In the year since I graduated, my view on how special my college experience was has not changed. I hold the four years I spent in Bloomington, spending way more time with friends than at the library, hanging out every Thursday night in Woodburn 100, and the sweet friendships I developed on IU’s beautiful campus so close to my heart. But, that season ended a year ago. My life has gone on.

In the Tale of Two Cities, Charles Dickens says, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” Maybe he was prophesying the last year of my life. Since May 2013, I’ve lived in three different cities, worked three different jobs, spent more money than I care to admit on clothes, moved into my first apartment where I was responsible for paying rent, paid off an eighth of my student loan, bought a car (ask me how I feel about car payments), ran a half marathon, hosted some sweet parties, experienced the most difficult transition of my life to date, applied for 50+ jobs, attended four weddings, threw some fun parties, had only a handful of weekends with no work, and joined a church. This year has brought some of my highest highs, but also some of my lowest lows. When you’re eating ice cream out of the tub on a Wednesday morning at 10:30AM while watching your second episode of West Wing for the day, you know you’ve hit a new low.

But the things I did pale in comparison to the most significant lesson I’ve learned.

Over and over again, I cried out to the Lord, “It wasn’t supposed to be this way.” Depending on the day, I sometimes continued, “But I’m happy at the way it’s turning out.” Some days I could do anything but cry into my pillow. It was a year of life not meeting my expectations. I had a pretty little picture in my head of what this year was supposed to look like. Needless to say, it has not looked like that pretty little picture. It hasn’t been neat, orderly, or pretty. It’s been messy, hard and beautiful. I jokingly refer to the person I was last spring as “young and dumb.” I just didn’t know any better. I saw what other people’s lives looked like, combined that with my own desires and then just expected.

But I take beautiful over pretty any day. This is not the first or the last time that life will not meet my expectations. Marriage is not a walk in the park. Parenting is not endless dandelion bouquets and Mother’s Day cards. The question is, what will I do when life fails to meet my expectations? Will I sulk and allow it to make me bitter? Or will I run hard in the arms of a God who continually exceeds my expectations?

The wisdom and intimacy I’ve gained with God by walking through the peaks and the valleys with Him this last year is far more special than any picture I had in my head of how my life was supposed to look.

Monday Lovin’

Published on September 20, 2014 by Caitlin SnyderLeave a comment

After a wonderful weekend celebrating Easter, family and spring, it’s back to the grind on this Monday morning. I’m thankful for a 9-5 job that I love, supportive friends and family and a very special church here in Indianapolis. They make the grind less mundane. This Monday I’m loving:

1.) A dad who I share lots in common with. We were all talking at Easter brunch about our personality types. My dad and I (as far as Myers-Briggs) could not be more different. However, I hold our shared interests very close to my heart. He and I both love running, in fact we’re training for a mini-marathon in 2 weeks, we love reading, Barnes and Noble is a dangerous place for us, and beer, him probably more than me, but I do like it. I am thankful for a special relationship with him.

2.) Ice Cream. When I decided to give up sweets for lent, there was still snow on the ground. I did not for one second think through how I was going to celebrate the advent of spring without ice cream. As soon as Easter hit, I didn’t waste any time – I got ice cream last night with friends! I gave up sweets to break some back habits I had with food and to start seeing it in a healthy way. I’m so thankful for these 40 days; I look at food with new eyes. Needless to say though, I’m excited that I can go get ice cream with my friends now.

3.) This book. Someone suggested it to me my sophomore year of college and each time my dad takes my sister book shopping I look for it, and yesterday it was there! I’ve devoured it; it’s that good. Shauna Niequist makes me want to be a writer, a writer who speaks of hope, reminding us about the good in the world because a good God loves us.

4.) Redemption. Easter is a beautiful holiday to remember that yes, new things are great, but even better are the things we thought were lost, but instead they’ve been given new life. I like brand new, but even more, I like worn, old, broken-in, but seen with new eyes. Some of the best friendships in my life have been those that I was ready to walk away from, but I’ve stayed in them, and watched God change me and make the friendship even more special. I’m thankful that a life in Christ means that all that has been lost will be redeemed.

Happy Monday – may you be able to delight in things that you love today 🙂