Category: Faith

It’s Not About Me

Published on by Caitlin SnyderLeave a comment

For one of the first times since being home, this past Wednesday morning I felt alive and like myself again. I had the opportunity to serve at a food pantry in one of the most impoverished neighborhoods in Cincinnati. This food pantry is run out of a church, a church that is in the process of starting a nonprofit to run the food pantry, start an afterschool program and eventually a counseling center. Just reflecting on how this demonstrates the Gospel in my eyes is getting me excited. More on the church another time. But, the food pantry allows people to come and shop through the store, I got to be a personal shopper to the patrons. I felt like God allowed me to step out of my present circumstances and into the story He’s writing for so many others. I asked each person I helped what their name was and tried to remember it and use it as often as I could – who doesn’t like to felt known as an individual? I felt so lucky to be Jesus’ hands and feet for a couple of hours… so life feels so me centered that to worry about other people reminded me of what my purpose in life is – to walk closely with Jesus.

Besides having an awesome opportunity to serve, some of my thoughts while at the pantry and reflecting over the experience have been significant. I kept thinking, “Maybe someone will write a book about this food pantry and it will get national news coverage.” “If they only used social media, maybe the food pantry could get more funding and donations, and be able to serve even better.” In my mind, I took something so beautiful and God-honoring and made it into something for man to take credit for and praise. For the pastor and the volunteers, serving isn’t about having others see it happen, or even about getting as much funding as possible, it’s about doing God’s work, even if it’s without praise and attention. I’ve continued to chew on this idea this week – am I willing to do what God calls me to without any attention? What if I never get to write a book about my life, does that still mean my life was worth living? Is it 100% about God being glorified, or is it a tiny bit about me?

In today’s world, it seems like everyone has a blog, or a book, or at least a twitter, if not all three. This is not a bad thing, it simply points to the notion that we all want to be known. We want to know that we matter. We do. If I could get it through my head that I am already deeply known and loved, I would feel less pressure to do the right thing and focus on doing something. I would write more, unconcerned with who reads it and what they think. I would serve better, no thinking about who is watching. I’ve loved reading through the book of Mark in the past month. I’ve been captivated by the image of Jesus, a man by whom people were amazed. As I reflected over my experience at the food pantry, I’ve been reminded of the idea that He must become greater and I must become less. I must abandon myself in the pursuit of Him; I cannot expect to find satisfaction while being self-consumed.  I must hold in tension two things:

  1. I am deeply known and loved; my voice and story matter
  2. It is not, has never been and never will be about me

I am called to walk closely with Jesus, to honor Him first and foremost in my life. I am not promised fame or popularity. I may never get married, become a mom, write a book, or host a talk show. Am I okay with knowing that it’s not about me? That I may never see fruit of my labor? But that no matter what, Jesus is worth it. What about you? Do you wrestle with remembering that you’re not the center of the story? Please tell me I’m not the only one!

Life Lessons Learned on the Strugglebus

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I work at J.Crew. If you’ve never worked in retail, you can’t really relate, but if you have, you know the feeling of spending quite some time organizing, folding and size ordering a table only to look at it thirty minutes later and have the table completely messed up. As I drove home from work on Saturday night, I couldn’t help but feel like this situation, which I’ve encountered numerous times the past couple days, was exactly what my life felt like. I worked to nicely order everything and over the course of a couple of weeks, everything fell into disorder. Unlike the tables of clothes, my life isn’t so easy to put back together and reorganize. But, I keep asking myself, “Would you change it? Would you go back?” Over the course of the week, I’ve watched my answer change from yes, to no. Hopefully that doesn’t sound insensitive, but I think its progress. I may be on the strugglebus, or even driving the strugglebus, but I’m learning things here that aren’t easy, but are important for me in walking with Jesus for a lifetime.

One of my high school English teachers would make us repeat the phrase, “Embrace the ambiguity.” In the midst of difficult chapters of literature, when we would get tempted to quit, she would stop us and have us say, “Embrace the ambiguity.” She said that the quicker we got uncomfortable not knowing everything, the more we would enjoy the text and then start to understand it just a little bit better. I like knowns and outcomes. Feelings are my favorite, but sometimes I just need concrete, which leads me to search for answers in places I’m never going to find them. This side of heaven there are things I’ll never know – why people keep bringing me back for final round interviews of jobs that I’m simply not qualified for, is one that I just don’t quite get. Why seemingly good things fall apart is another. The quicker I can abandon my entitlement to know and understand the why, the better off I will be. There are so many things I don’t understand right now, that I’m being forced to embrace the ambiguity that is my life.

I’ve never been good at faking anything. Especially faking being okay. My emotions always give me away. Usually this is really annoying, especially when I’m sad and can’t stop crying, or when I’m just feeling down and the thought of putting on a happy face seems impossible, even if it’s just for a couple hours of work. But, I’m learning that realness and even rawness invites others to be real and raw. I have nothing else to offer the world except me, and the evidence that my life provides to the transforming power of Jesus. The more real I am, the greater Jesus looks to others because they can see just how broken I am, and be encouraged about what it looks like to be loved in spite of that. Being raw encourages authenticity in others.

At this point, I don’t know what next week looks like; I could be starting a new job, or still be at J.Crew. The future is so uncertain that I have to live day by day. I like to plan, but right now, I’m being forced to live in the present. I wake up in the morning and ask Jesus what He has in store for the day. I can’t really worry about the future because I have absolutely no idea what’s going to happen. So I can only really take things one day at a time, and trust that God has the rest under control. Plus, at risk of sounding cynical, this prevents me from getting my hopes up about what the future has to offer. I’m still healing from that one, and very thankful that I get to live here in the present not wishing the future would hurry up and get here already. Life on the strugglebus is teaching me the value of the present and how to make the most of it.

What are you learning in the season you’re in… even if you’re not on the strugglebus? Are you a willing learning, or dragging your feet like me?

Running in Place

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It’s no secret that I love to run. It’s my workout of choice lately. It’s a defense against unhealthy behaviors in my life, a great stress reliever, and quite honestly, a spiritual discipline right now. No matter where I am, I can go running. The only person evaluating my performance is me, and I believe that most days, just going running is a victory. No need to impress anyone, it’s just me, my running shoes, some music and time to think, or not think. Just as God honors showing up, and cares more about our heart that the fruit it produces, I enjoy a run and the freedom it brings me more than I care about how fast I run 4 miles.

That being said, I’ve had fun watch myself get faster as I train more consistently and I enjoy seeing how fast I can run multiple miles. When I was in Bloomington, I would get frustrated when a light wouldn’t turn green fast enough and I would have to run in place at a stoplight, especially if I felt like I was in a rhythm and running pretty well. I only have to cross 2 major streets on my runs around Mason instead of the countless ones I had to cross at school, but there are not stoplights where I cross here, I just have to be patient until the road is clear. Today I was making excellent time on my 4 mile run, and I had a goal in mind, 4 miles in 37 minutes. It was windy and I was tired from running up a hill, only to get to the point where I needed to cross the street and there was a steady stream of cars going both directions. So I ran in place. Man, nothing is as frustrating as running in place. My body would rather rest completely, but that makes getting started so much more difficult. And in that moment, running forward would be devastating; I would have been hit by a car. I had no choice but to run in place as I thought about the decreased likelihood that I would achieve my goal for the day. Most days I feel like I’m running in place. I have a goal and destination in sight, but I’m waiting for things to line up so I can start moving forward again. Some days I just want to throw the towel in and stop completely… running in place feels like a waste of energy. Other days, I’m so eager and ready to go and continue to ensure I meet my goal that I’m willing to make stupid decisions before the time is right.

Yesterday was rough. The Lord convicted me that I don’t want what He wants right now. Even things that I know aren’t good for me are preventing me from experiencing what He has. So I prayed a scary prayer – Lord, let me want to want what You want for me. In the terms of my running metaphor, let me be okay with running in place. Running in place keeps my heart rate up so that I’m ready to go when the time is right; it also conditions my heart to be okay with an elevated heart rate during training, something that will come in handy as I continue to run long distances. I am constantly being reminded that God’s kingdom is not one of moving forward and backward, but instead of moving towards God. While running in place may seem fruitless and pointless, it keeps me prepared and conditions me for when the time is right.

Choosing to Trust

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I-74 is a highway that runs between Cincinnati and Indianapolis. I’m sure it connects many more cities, but this is how I know it. I-74 has seen many of my tears as I drive back and forth between Cincinnati and Indianapolis and Cincinnati and Bloomington. I drove 1-74 from Indianapolis where I was at IndyCC home to Cincinnati my sophomore year, so convicted by sin of emotional dependency and idolatry that I was moved to tears. I returned home to Cincinnati from Bloomington in the fall of my junior year crying as I dialogued with the Lord about self-image and the unhealthy obsession I had developed with eating. After my junior year I cried as I drove 1-74 home unsure what my senior year would look like because so many of my friends had graduated. This February tears rolled down my face as I drove 1-74 back to Bloomington after a rough weekend at home reminded by God that He is in control of relationships within my family. I bawled like a baby as I drove home to Cincinnati 2 weeks ago, this trip significant because I was moving home, and wrestling with the fact that my life did not look like I had pictured it looking. If you believe I’m put together, just take a road trip with me – my road rage, random bouts of tears, verbal processing and rapid lane changing would quickly correct your beliefs. Something about the open road puts my mind into overanalyzing mode and makes me emotional.

Today I cried yet again on 1-74 returning to Cincinnati from a weekend wedding and visiting friends in Indianapolis. I spent today listening to a couple sermons, two entitled,  “Choosing to Trust.” As I listened to the words of James MacDonald, and reflected on my thoughts over the past month, even past 5 months, something became abundantly clear – trusting God is a choice. One that must be made multiple times a day, but the only way to grow one’s trust in God is to recommit things to Him. After the sermon, I said out loud to God in my car, “I trust that Your plans for me are good because You are good, and You love me. Your will, not my will, God.” I kept driving, half listening to the next sermon, half overanalyzing my life, (what I can I say, this feeler is also very analytical when it comes to trying to figure out situations) I started to get upset and anxious again. I felt convicted to repeat the same words out loud that I had said 15 minutes ago, “I trust that Your plans for me are good because You are good, and You love me. Your will, not my will, God.” A calm swept over me as I remembered an image that has been floating through my head for the past couple days. In this image, I’m on a tight rope taking one baby step at a time away from land, but unsure where exactly this tight rope is leading me. After each step I take, the Lord whispers, “Do you still trust me?” I grasp His hand a little tighter as I adjust and try to take the next step battling every fiber in my being that just wants to sprint back to the security of land. James MacDonald said in his sermon that we surrender things to the Lord and tell Him that we trust, and then we may have to do the same thing 30 minutes later or days later. He also reminds the audience that we will always have to deal with uncertainty. Perhaps that’s where God has me right now, trying to teach me how to deal with uncertainty in a healthy way, and not overanalyze every element of my life.

My goal this week is when I get overwhelmed, uncertain or upset about my circumstances to repeat the words I said in the car, “I trust that Your plans for me are good because You are good, and You love me. Your will, not my will, God.” Even if I say these words 10 times in a day, it will eventually make it from my mouth to my heart. So many things are out of my control right now, but I do have a choice to make – will I choose to trust God with my circumstances, with this season, and with my life? It starts right now, and each and every moment.

The Visible & the Invisible

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I had a hard day today. It was one of those days that I regretted putting on make-up, ate ice cream out of the carton at 11am and considered going back to bed instead of into work. I’m tired of hearing that I don’t have enough experience for jobs, or being asked what my long-term plan for my life is. I’m convinced that anyone who can tell me what they think their life will look like in 10 years should be kicked hard in the shins. It’s just not reality. Not for me, and not for most people – I’ve asked around. I sat in my car for a couple minutes after a quick trip into JoAnne’s Fabric and had a yelling match at God in my head. It went something like this, “Lord, I know you have purpose and the fact that I am where I am right now is somehow good for me, I just don’t see it. I’m done. I’m ready to just be done. I want to know why I’m here because I can’t see your purpose in it. You say wouldn’t waste experience and here I am doubting that I can even do ministry, I feel so completely disregarded. I don’t see it.” Uncertainty brings out the doubter in me, that’s for sure.

This evening I’ve been trying to work through some of this stuff. I know my circumstances aren’t going to change overnight, but I want my attitude to change, but for me I struggle to fake things, I can’t fake an attitude change, I need to change the belief, or figure out how do that. As I’ve been reading through the Gospel of Mark, I found myself judging the disciples just a little bit – feel free to judge me now, I deserve it. Jesus’ disciples watched Him feed 5,000 people and then the next time there were a large number of people to feed (4,000), they wanted to run for the hills thinking it was impossible. Reality is, without God both of those situations are impossible. The amount of food that they had in front of them could feed a family, not thousands of people, but it did. In between those two events, Jesus calms a storming ocean even as the waves are crashing up onto the ship that the disciples are in. Without God, the disciples and the ship would have been no more.

As I’ve thought and prayed through these events, I’m reminded just how much I have in common with the disciples. When things get rough, I fixate on the visible reality right in front of my eyes. My inexperience, my joblessness, my singleness, my lack of community, and the list goes on. Just as the disciples did. They fixed their eyes on the visible – multitudes of people to feed and the raging seas. I, just like the disciples, forget that there’s another part of the story. It’s invisible. That’s why it’s easy to forget. Even as I reflect back on my pity party in my car, one word came up numerous times – see. There is an invisible part of my reality – God’s goodness cannot always be seen to me. He has prepared me to whatever comes next; He is teaching me about His character, even as I wallow in self-pity. He declares that the best is yet to come. He continues to ask me to take one more step of faith into unchartered territory, against what make sense to my rational (pretend I’m rational) mind. But I want to see evidence, I don’t just want to believe it might be there, I want to see the purpose. One of the most beautiful things about God to me is how He weaves the visible and the invisible together all for His glory. But my earthy perspective prevents me from seeing the weaving some days. God, would you grant me the eyes to see how you’re weaving the invisible and the visible together in my life? And on difficult days, like today, just help me to believe that the invisible exists and that there’s more than what I can see.

“…blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.” John 20:29

“So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 5:18

Being Sent Sets Me Free

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When I left Chicago almost 2 years ago after summer project and the best summer I’ve ever had, a sweet friend looked me in the eyes and said, “this is how we get set free.” You see, I was sad about leaving Chicago. It was in that city that I saw God move mountains in my faith. I spent countless hours with my nose in my Bible and it was some of the best community I had ever experienced. Healing happened. I simply did not want to leave. The point of summer project was/is to learn to truly walk with God and do ministry on college campuses so that I could take my experiences back to IU, and bring the Gospel to my own campus. I went back to Bloomington and took with me the experiences from summer project, and had a wonderful year.

This phrase came back to me this year as prepared to leave Bloomington. Throughout the past year, I’ve asked God numerous times if He wanted me back in Bloomington and never heard a yes. Knowing what I know now, I’ve spent time wondering if I made the right decision. And I am confident that I did. For the same reason Chicago Summer Project could not go on forever. Leaving Bloomington, stepping outside the community that knows me so well is how I get set free.

At the beginning of His ministry, Jesus gathered 12 men to be His disciples. They went with Him as He healed and preached. They spent time with Him and learned from Him. And then Jesus sent them out on their own. Mark 6:12-13 states, “They went out and preached that people should repent. They drove out many demons and anointed many sick people with oil and healed them.” The disciples go out and then they come back, only to be sent out again. This is how God uses us to spread the Gospel, by sending those He has called out to the world.

I love Cru. I love IU. I love Bloomington. But, I get set free by leaving. I get set free by being sent. I don’t exactly know where I’m being sent – lots of opportunities right now, but I know that I am sent. I have been trained to share the Gospel. I have seen what authentic community looks like. Wonderful mentors have invested me in. I have had the opportunity to plan events for God’s glory. I have been taught how to lead a Bible study. Heck, I’ve been taught how to study the Bible. I believe people have been called back to IU to intern with Cru and give a year of their lives to college ministry, but I know that right now I’m called to be sent out.

Being sent is how I’m set free. The greatest desire of my heart is to walk with Jesus for a lifetime, wherever my life my lead. I needed to leave Bloomington to learn how to walk with Jesus during this next season of life. I get to take everything I’ve learned in the past 4 years with me wherever I may end up. The college season of my life is over, but leaving and moving on is how I get set free.

I Am Not Alone

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The end of college has been a difficult season for me. The end of a relationship, the end of college and entering the big unknown without much direction has put me on my butt. I feel like a beat-up version of myself who is just trying to get through each day. Which I’m told is completely normal. The past few weeks, I’ve been suck in “my life sucks” mode with moments that remind me of God’s promises, but the moments are few and far between. Yesterday I received messages from two friends who I haven’t been in close contact with, and I was reminded of some very important truth. I am not alone. Countless others have been through this same transition before, and so many are in it right now. I am not alone.

I was so humbled. I felt like my eyes were suddenly open to God’s goodness in a season where I’ve felt beat up by the world. It was almost as if God himself removed blindness from my eyes and let me see all the good that He has blessed me with in the past couple weeks. Instead of having few moments of seeing God’s goodness, I’ve only had moments the past 2 days of “my life sucks.” I’ve seen restoration in some friendships. I’ve had my parents wrap their arms around me and tell me it’s going to be okay – something I’ve needed since I was 16 year old. In the midst of feeling like a failure for graduating without a job, I’ve had acquaintances, close friends and family remind me just how proud they are of me… something so healing; if only I could get it to sink into my heart. I’ve been forced to start to think about what I want out of life through dreaming and communing with God. Older, wiser women have shared stories of their past break-ups and broken hearts as encouragement that it does, in fact, get better. Psalms have come alive to me – talk about saying Amen at the end of Psalm 27 when David says, “Yet I am confident of this, I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord!” So many close friends and even those I’m not super close to have sat in my suffering with me to make sure I know I’m not alone. I am not alone.

I’ve been reminded that I’m oh so lost and broken, but that’s not the end of the story. I am deeply loved by a God who refuses to let me be in suffering alone, that’s why He sent Jesus, and why Christian community reflects God’s love. Even when I have nothing to offer, and I am a hot mess around friends, they love me in it. Because I am not alone.

Skinned Knees

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I bit it big time walking into my house on Friday night. I skinned my knees, my foot, my palms and even chipped my nail polish somehow. I was embarrassed and in pain. Thankfully my roommates rushed to my side and did all that they could, but they couldn’t take the pain away. At first I couldn’t wait for the wounds to stop bleeding, then I realized a lack of blood didn’t mean a lack of pain. My roommate came into my room to tell me a story and I was so focused on not crying and I was in so much discomfort that I had trouble listening to what she was saying.

Even as I laid down on top of my bed with Neosporin on each of skinned knees, my wounds were still tingling with pain, and I couldn’t bring myself to focus on anything else. I was felt paralyzed and shaky; every movement I made hurt because I hurt. Thankfully, I’m recovering, my wounds have scabbed over and I’m not shaky anymore. I can move without thinking about being in pain. However, every once in a while, something hits my palm or I bang my knee, and as a result, I wince. Because it’s not fully healed, and it reminds me of the hurt.

Earlier in the week, I met with a counselor through my church. He talked about emotional wounds. Unlike my beat up body, emotional wounds cannot be seen. There are events in our lives that leave wounds, each person has different ones, but we all have them. Unfortunately we aren’t always aware of these wounds until they get skinned open again or if it gets hit. For me, a lack of stability in my life is like banging my already skinned knee. Right now, I seem to bang that knee a lot, and then I remember just how much it still hurts. It’s not always paralyzing, I can function normally most of the time, but not always. I’m still healing. Unlike physical wounds, emotional wounds take lots of time to heal. If only emotional healing was as easy as putting Neosporin on my knees.

I’ve found a lot of comfort in David’s words in the Psalms lately. He’s a messed up and faithful man with honest words; words that meet me in a season full of uncertainty and instability. David talks about waiting for God, and being confident that God will show up. Not because his life doesn’t suck at times, but because his life’s circumstances did not determine God’s goodness. There’s healing to be done in this season. God has me here to teach me something crucial about His character. So here’s to emotional wounds healing like skinned knees. Lord, I want to have the same faith as David, that despite uncertain situations, You are so very faithful all the time.

20’s

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I had a cool conversation last summer with a co-worker. I was commenting on how difficult the 20’s are. I’m 22. I’m broke. I’m unemployed. I’m single. I’ll be moving back in with my mom and dad. In so many ways, I feel like a failure. My college degree seems useless, but I’ll be paying it off for the next couple years. Anyways, I was telling this co-worker about how my mom told me that the 20’s are just plain hard. You don’t have much money, jobs are hard to come by and long-term vision may be lacking. All of which I’m currently experiencing. My friend, who was 28, responded, “Yes, it could be a difficult season, but think about how great the season could be too. Just you and God and a huge adventure.”

There are so many ideas about the 20’s. Each day I find a new blog about it. You should travel in your 20’s. You should save money in your 20’s. You should get married in your 20’s. You shouldn’t complain about not working your dream job in your 20’s. If I listened to all the advice that people have for this unique decade of my life, I would run in circles because I wouldn’t know where to actually go or what to do. I don’t need advice from others to make me feel even more confused.

My new theory is that one’s 20’s are confusing and hard. That’s why there’s such a desire to make sense of them. The quicker I can shake the idea that I need to have a plan or do things the same way as everyone else in order for something to be good, the quicker I can start enjoying my 20’s and this season of life. The unknown and uncertainty doesn’t make it any less of an adventure, and God is constant and good. I met with a pastor at my church this week and he told me that it’s important to acknowledge what is true about my current circumstances. I am unemployed, single and lacking in direction, but it’s also important to acknowledge what is true about God. He is always good. His love guides and sustains me. He is writing a beautiful story of with my life. Nothing about God changes even when my circumstances change. The God who brought me into relationship with Him here in Bloomington when I was 18 will continue to be faithful as I move home to Cincinnati on Sunday. I don’t need to make sense of my 20’s; I don’t even have to have a plan for my 20’s, I just get to walk closely with Jesus and let Him write the adventure.

Not Yet

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When I feel like my life is falling apart, I tend to call my mom a lot. During normal times in life, I usually talk to her once a day. When things are really going great, sometimes we only talk every three days. The past 3 weeks I think we’ve averaged talking on the phone three times a day. Such is life. We were talking on the phone on Friday and she mentioned a job opportunity; obviously this unemployed almost-college graduate’s ears perked up. She went onto say that there currently aren’t any of this position, but there would be soon. The department is not in a place to hire quite yet. Not yet. I responded back saying, “This seems to be the season of ‘not quite yets’, huh?” She chuckled and said confidently, “Caitlin, it’s going to fall into place soon.”

My life does not look like what I thought it would, as college graduation is less than a week away. Instead of apartment searching in Chicago, I’m preparing to move home with my parents. Instead of being about to start a cool new job, I’m still unemployed and applying for things with the only necessary qualification being a high school diploma. Two weeks ago in the midst of what will go down as probably the worst week of my life thus far, I heard the Lord say, “Caitlin, I needed to drastically redirect you.” And that He did. From a place of confidence in what the future looked like to the yuckiness of complete uncertainty. Yet, I’m reminded that I never really knew what the future looked like.

So here I am, in complete uncertainty, waiting. Waiting. Waiting for the not yets to become exciting cheers of finally. I am waiting to see what job God provides, waiting to see what church I end up attending, and waiting to see what community I’ll be a part of. Waiting reminds me of just how much I like to be in the know. I like to make plans, and have the necessary information to make said plans. That’s not my reality right now. I move home in exactly a week and all I know is that I’ve filled out a bunch of job applications, and I’ll be working at J.Crew until something else works out. Waiting reminds me that the only thing worthy of hope is Christ. In fact, my life here on earth is merely a waiting period until the perfect eternity of heaven. As much as I hate it, waiting is a reality; Moses and the Israelites waited in the desert for 40 years. In fact the premise of Christianity is built around the Jews waiting on a messiah, or Jesus. Entire generations waited.

As I journaled this morning, I was reminded that God cares more about my sanctification than He does my comfort. I am not comfortable right now. Waiting makes me anxious. It makes me a doubter. But it also reminds me that I serve a faithful God. I serve a God who goes to great measures to redirect me to a place that is not just good, but great. I serve a God who is working all things so that they do fall into place… in His timing, not mine. He will redeem all of these not yets for His glory.