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My roommate is an excellent athlete. She’s a crossfitter and a runner – a great runner. Since she’s moved in, we’ve gone running several times together. Even on my best day, when I’m in good shape, hydrated, and ready to run, she is significantly faster than me. But, when we go running together, she runs as a pace more comfortable for me. On our runs, she pushes me to run a slightly faster pace than I would on my own, but not too fast that I’m unable to finish. When I want to give up, she slows the pace slightly, enough for me to catch my breath, and then we pick it up again. She refuses to leave me behind, even if I want her to.

August was a difficult month. I returned back from a great vacation with best friends to some changes at work and health issues in my family. I went from the top of the mountain to the valley in a matter of days; things were moving so fast that my neck experienced whiplash. I didn’t have time to process through any of what was happening or how I felt. I just had to keep moving.

In order to keep moving, I took steps away from God. Hiding behind excuses of busyness and exhaustion, I did not open my Bible much. When I did take time to pray, it was a quick moment of exhaling in the midst of completing other tasks. It all felt so heavy, and my strength was wearing thin. I willed myself to just keep moving, not stopping because I was afraid that if I stopped, even for a minute, I wouldn’t be able to start again. But I wasn’t really moving in any direction.

Even when I slowed my pace, God did not allow me to distance myself from Him. It was as if He was saying, “Come on, Caitlin, just walk a little closer, pick up your pace ever so slightly. I wouldn’t leave you behind.” My overwhelmed heart and I did our best to keep up, listening to the promises that we would never be left or forsaken.

At about mile two of running with my roommate, I usually want to send her off ahead of me. The effort it takes to stay at the pace that we’ve set feels overwhelming and I want to slow down into a more comfortable motion for me. Plus, I don’t want to slow her down. But she doesn’t let me. She slows with me, and allows me to catch my breath. She’s determined not to leave me behind, no matter how hard I try to push her to do exactly that.

As everything around me has felt out of sync, God has been the ultimate running partner. When my weary heart has tried to quit, slow down or go off in the wrong direction, He pulls me back. When the pace is unknown or just plain uncomfortable, He has drawn me closer to himself.

It is July 13th and I’m posting my first blog post of the month, which breaks my heart. I love to write. I like the pounding of my fingers on the keyboard, and the discplines it cultivates in me to write consistently. When I unintentionally take a hiatus from writing, I start to believe the lie that I since I haven’t been writing consistently, I should not try to start again now. When I hear friends repeat this same lie to me about working out, I chuckle because we all know it’s not true, while it’s hard to start, and even harder to start again, if it’s something that is important to you and helps you be more you, you should always start again. Always. So I’m back today, with Monday Lovin’, nothing terribly exciting, but just like running, you have to put one foot in front of the other and start moving.

1. My clean eating roommates are wearing off on me. I have been grocery shopping weekly, meal planning and absolutely loving the way that real food makes me feel. meal planning also makes eating throughout the week more fun. The temptation to eat out decreases when I am looking forward to my packed lunch in the fridge!

2. I hit the jackpot at Target’s clearance section over the weekend. Two bathing suit separates for $6.86 each. I haven’t bought a full priced swimsuit all year, and probably wouldn’t. It helps that I love to mix and match, and sometimes don’t even care if the bottom and top completely match. I love finding great deals, especially on fun things right before vacation.

3. I can’t stop reading lately. Saturday, my roommates were away and read almost all day long. I’ve read some good books, and some ones that are harder to get through. Currently on my bed side table: The Me You Want To Be (John Ortberg), Savor (Shauna Niequist) and No Man Is An Island (Thomas Merton) — I recommend all three! They all address some similar themes, which makes it fun to read at the same time.

The more perfectly we are ourselves the more we are able to contribute to the good of the Whole Church of God.

-Thomas Merton

4. I spent the 4th of July in Chicago. Fun fact about Caitlin: I’ve only ever spent the 4th in two places: Bethany Beach, DE and Chicago, IL. For real. Last weekend we had so much fun renting bikes and doing our own bike tour, eating good food, visiting Binny’s, going to the beach, and watching the fireworks from a speed boat off of Navy Pier. I left the city with a full heart; thankful for yet another weekend of making memories with sweet friends.

5. It’s easy to make fun of people who use selfie sticks to take photographs of themselves. Until you use one yourself. My selfie stick allowed us to document every stop on our Chicago adventure last weekend. It also reminds me not to take life too seriously!

I’ll hopefully back on Thursday with reflections of my mini-capsule wardrobe experience. I hope you have an excellent week!

Two weeks ago, I traveled to southern Tennessee to watch my sister graduate from college. Emilee graduated Summa Cum Laude from Lee University with a degree in Theology. Lee University is a small liberal arts Christian university. She loved the library and went to bed early. Her professors knew not just her name, but her boyfriend’s name and what was going on in their lives. Her graduating class was 470 people, which included the graduate students. They were gifted with Bibles, with their names embossed on the front, as a graduation present.

I did not graduate Summa Cum Laude or Magna Cum Laude or with any honors. Never figuring out quite what I wanted to study, I picked the easiest thing I think of and stuck with it – sociology. Indiana University is a large state school. If my professors knew my name, it was because they really liked me, but they probably couldn’t tell you much else about me. I planned weekly Cru meetings for 400+ people. Indiana University didn’t give me a tangible gift for attending the university, although I do count myself lucky to have attended.

Her college experience and my college experience were radically different.

True life: when things are different from one another, I am tempted to assign greater value to one. I catch myself doing this not just with college experiences, but other things as well.

Getting married earlier in life versus spending some time in your 20’s single.

Buying houses versus renting apartments.

Staying put versus moving to a new city.

Serving in vocational ministry versus working in the marketplace.

Reading nonfiction books to learn versus delighting in simplistic novels.

The list could go on and on and on and on.

And yet, in all of these situations, neither is better or worse than the other.

We can get ourselves in trouble when we think obedience looks the same to everyone as it does to us. We also place limitations on God when we expect that He will move in other people’s lives in the same places or the same ways that He has in ours.

I found and fell in love with Jesus at a party school. Not everyone has the same experience. I have to be careful with blanket statements about faith and public universities. What I experienced was not law. It was an example of God’s grace in my life.

I have watched my faith blossom as I wrestle through big life decisions as a single young adult. But, in no way does that take away from the gift of marriage in the lives of other young friends.

We cannot live the same life multiple ways. Who knows what my life would look like if I attended a liberal arts Christian college in the South. Would I have experienced God in the same ways as I did at IU? It simply does not matter. We will never know. And we don’t need to know. When we give into the Holy Spirit’s guidance and submit to God’s will, He shapes us through it. His leading leads us where we need to go.

God gives good gifts. They are given at the right time, with the full picture in view. No one else can see the full picture. Yes, others can give advice about what schools to attend, should you marry so-and-so, and if renting for another year is the best use of your money, but only God sees the full picture. He leads us in light of eternity.

As I get discouraged or start dreaming of a road not traveled, it is easy to idealize where I was not led and experiences I have not had. All I can do is receive what God has given to me with open-hands.

Receive the perfect gifts knowing they’ve been purposed by God for me, in light of where He is leading me.

Receive and give thanks.

It’s Monday and I’m back! I have been writing inconsistently the past couple weeks, partially due to busyness and partially because I haven’t had the words. But today I’m here, writing and sharing, praying that God is honored by what I write. So without more excuses, here are some things I’m loving:

1.) I’m on day 21 of closet reset. In case you haven’t heard, I stripped my closet down to 50 items. For a clothing lover like me, this was a hard decision to make, but it has been wonderful! One day this past week, I stood in my closet and had a the thought, “I have nothing to wear,” but very quickly, I realized that this feeling would not be solved with any more items to choose from. I was being bratty and indecisive. A lot of the fears and anxieties I had about this reset have been overcome.

2.) Part of the reason I haven’t been writing as much lately is because I cannot seem to put down books. In the past couple weeks, I’ve read Tina Fey’s Bossypants, Roger Hershey’s The Finishers and Margaret Feinberg’s Fighting Back With Joy. Each was fantastic. I recommend all three. As much as I try to read fiction, and I really do try, I always come back to nonfiction. I love reading people’s stories, I love learning and understanding the world from different perspectives. At the beginning of the year, I seemed to be on a stretch of some mediocre books. Some were good, but then others were so hard to get through. The past most has been a welcome change.

3.) Still on the topic of reading, a big Amazon order that I placed came over the weekend! It included books, but also my selfie stick. I am so stinkin’ excited, I can barely handle it. I am eager for summer adventures and selfies. Also in the order was the book, Slow Church. Two chapters in and I want to crawl and live inside it. Intentional, transformative communities, churches that serve those outside their 4 walls are the topic of conversation. If you read it, I’d love to hear your thoughts!

4.) I cannot get enough of Target lately. Even if I don’t buy anything (read: very few things), it has become a favorite past-time of mine to go and walk around. I may have gone 4 times in 2 weeks…

5.) I shared some thoughts on Mother’s Day last Monday on Ministry from a Millennial.

Hope your week is off to a great start!

So much of my life – habits, convictions and thoughts – swing on a pendulum. With an addictive personality, sometimes I have to completely give up a habit, a food, a practice, in order to regain control.

In April, I gave up sweets because I felt like I had to reset my body. In full disclosure, I was not able to go fully without, but I regained a happy medium. It took giving it up completely to allow my body to normalize. Then, when I added it back in, I was able to do so that did not involve binging on sugar and then ending up with a stomach ache.

In January, I resolved to stop using the “f-word.” While I am a fan of using strong language when it is needed to communicate an argument, cussing had become a first response to me. I would drop my keys or get cut off in traffic and suddenly an obscenity was already out of my mouth. I am excited to say that in 4 months, my language has changed for the better.

Last August I stopped drinking dark soda. I said good-bye to Coke and Dr. Pepper for good, transitioning to Sprite or Ginger Ale if I truly needed something with carbonation. I knew that I could not drink Coke in moderation; I loved it too much. I went from a former 32 ounces a day of Coke girl, to someone who drinks a decent amount of coffee, and a lot of water. Most days I don’t even miss the Coke.

I have recently swung the pendulum of my closet. While I considered taking a break from shopping, I did something more extreme – I packed away all but 50 items of clothing. I did not count how many items were hanging in my closet and on shelves prior to the transformation, but if I had to guess, it was probably close to 300. I’ve left a mixture of dresses, pants, sweaters, shirts, tank tops and jackets/blazers. Some items are my favorites, others I’ve kept because they are versatile.

So why? I actually wear probably 75% of the items that I own, so it’s not out of an effort to wear more items. I just want to focus on what matters. A lot of people who I respect are talking about the freedom that comes with having less. I started to wonder if they’re onto something that could be freeing in my own life.

As I started to wonder, think and pray about this closet revolution, it became clear that it was actually exactly what I needed. I’ve developed some bad habits in how I view clothing and appearance.

•  Somewhere along the way, I started to believe that how I dressed and presented myself was more important that the skills I brought to the table. It became more about looking the part than being the part. I have skills, experiences and abilities to offer, and yet, I choose to believe that how I looked and dressed was more important. Confidence should never come from clothes instead of Christ.
• I have become a person who does not like to repeat outfits. I take pride in always wearing new things. This leads me to buy for events, and not needs.

I wish I could blame working in retail on the bad habits I’ve development. But that would be a cop-out. Truthfully, it comes down to pride. I like to be the girl who looks together and has new things. For about a year, I’ve been able to justify this pridefulness — “Well, I let people borrow my clothes” or “At least I stay in budget” or “I wear most everything in my closet.” But, as I searched my heart, there were changes that needed to be made.

I want to encourage vulnerability in others. I want to steward my money, time and energy well. I want to focus on Godly things, not be distracted by clutter. I want my confidence to be rooted in Christ. I want to live a life worthy of the calling I’ve received. I want to live a life of freedom.

All of these desires require me to walk away from bad habits when I identify them in myself. If the Holy Spirit is convicting me in an area of righteousness, I want to obey. As inconsequential as removing items from my closet may seem (#firstworldproblems), it’s what I desire the Lord to cultivate in me that matters most. A life of contentment, rooted in confidence in Christ.

What bad habits have you broken? What benefits did you see in walking away from them?

Also: shout-out to a great group of women who were in for the challenge with me. It always helps to not feel like you’re in it alone.

I used to only have three speeds – fast, very fast and asleep. Now I let the season and need determine my speed. Despite a quiet weekend last weekend, I felt like I needed another one this weekend, so I did just that. Few plans, lots of open time, two runs, one book read and meals cooked. It was so good. And the weather is warm and our apartment pool is open. Hallelujah!

1. I wore my bathing suit yesterday and got to lay by the pool. Our apartment complex can feel a little bit like a frat party during the summer, but I wouldn’t complain because since our management caters to young people, they open our pool at the beginning of May and keep it open through the end of September. None of the Memorial Day to Labor Day crap. We get an extra two months. This sun goddess could not be happier.

2. I hung out with Tina Fey this weekend. No, we’re not besties, although I do have a new celebrity crush. I read her book, Bossypants on Saturday and Sunday. Start to finish. I highly recommend it. I love the way she uses humor to tackle some serious issues. She also tells a lot of jokes for the sake of telling jokes, which I really appreciate.

3. Taco night is the best night. On Saturday we hosted girls from our small group, and we had tacos. Tacos satisfy those with eating restrictions and those who eat anything. Each person gets to build their perfect taco, even if that’s a taco salad. Plus, margaritas… my favorite!

3. When the weather is beautiful, a donut date and a walk in the park with your best friend is always a good idea. I am so thankful that I have been able to continue building relationships from college, and that some of my very best friends live close enough to meet on a Saturday morning. There’s something special about a friend who can tell if you’re lying, but will always remind you that she trusts you. It’s HUGE. The trees were blooming and the donuts were awesome! What a way to kick off the weekend!

My week is off to a busy start, but it’s a 4 day week. My sister graduates over the weekend, so I’m headed out of town at the end of the week. Hope you have a great week!

Running has unintentionally become a metaphor for my life. I say unintentionally because I never really wanted to be a runner. At first I wasn’t good at it. Then my asthma held me back. Then I fought off hip flexors and shin splints. I spent ages twelve through twenty fighting off running despite my participation in soccer and track. It was a necessary evil; I really wanted to do yoga, the elliptical or take workout classes, but running pursued me.

Somewhere along the line I stopped fighting running. I gave into it. As I’ve surrendered to it, running has become one of my spiritual disciplines.

I ran the Carmel Half Marathon on Saturday. While the weather was perfect, my race ended up being less than perfect. I set a time goal for completion based on my previous half marathon. This was the goal I kept in my mind when I ran through the snow in February. This was the goal that I focused on and prepared for. And then race day came. I actually ran this race slower than my previous half marathon despite focusing more on training the past 3 months.

I was disappointed. Let’s just say that there were tears on Saturday between miles 9 and 13.

I felt defeated.

In the midst of my pity party, I asked God what He was trying to teach me. While I did not feel teachable as my calf muscles cramped and tears ran down my face, as soon as I crossed that finish line, I was going to be done with this race, so I needed to process then because I was not going to process it later.

1. This lesson is not metaphoric or deep, its just reality. The cramps in my calves that forced me to run were likely due to dehydration. I hope to run another half marathon and actually run the whole thing, hopefully at my goal time, but to do that, I will have to learn how to better hydrate my body. I don’t always love my body well. I make my best effort, but I’m 24 and usually work at least 55 hours a week, so eating well and hydrating are not at the top of my priority list. This is a huge area I hope to grow. Too many times I use busyness be an excuse for things. If I do not learn how to priority drinking water, going to the grocery store and cooking good food, the rest of my life is going to be a mess. Taking care of the important stuff first is a life lesson I’ve got to learn.
2. I failed to let community run alongside me. I was too busy being angry that my parents were not coming into town that I did not think to have them download the app that would allow them to track me. I did not think to give my bib number to a fellow running and praying friend. When we face tasks that are difficult, no matter how hard we’ve trained, we must invite our people into it. We were not meant to go through life alone, and the tricky part is asking people to come alongside you.

3. Sometimes the lesson lies in the training, not in the race. I had so many good training runs this spring. I watched my body get faster and stronger. I ran in the snow and in the sunshine. To God, it was way more about the lessons he wanted to teach me through training than how fast I ran on race day. So often I focus on the finish line, not the journey there. The most important lessons will not be learned on race day, but in the months leading up to it. The anticipation, the discipline, the sweat, the tears — this is where the growth is.

After my race, I went home, plugged in my phone, curled up in a ball and cried for a couple minutes. Then, I took a shower and jumped in a car to head to a wedding for a good friend. I’m learning how to rebound from disappointment, and perhaps that’s just one of the many lessons God is going to force me to learn.

Sometimes I buy into the lie that I need to create space, choose silence, for the purpose of creating, of writing, of processing. In the past couple weeks, I’ve been fighting for the space, and believe me, it has been a fight, and yet the words aren’t coming. My vision does not necessarily feel clearer. Even though the silence and space is not a launching pad, that does not mean it is wasted.

So often we fill up the gas tank of life only to go on a long drive and burn through the fuel quickly. Who wants to leave a car with a full gas tank parked in their driveway? No one. Cars are meant to be driven. But my body is not a car, and my soul is not a vehicle to add miles onto.

Right now I do necessarily feel the creativity flowing, but the silence is restoring me. The silence and the stillness are creating in me something new.

In the quiet balcony of my apartment, I feel my breathing deepen and my heart beat slow.

Restoration is not for the sake of falling right back into the same behaviors that necessitated the restoring. It’s about being brought back to the original place so you can do it again, with a new perspective, and hopefully in a different way. For me, I hope this means I can create better. But, it may mean something new entirely. Perhaps not doing any one thing better, but being better.

This year I have been learning new rhythms. They create space for more grace and more depth. But sometimes, I want to default back to old patterns, and my old way, where more is better and fast is the only way. For anyone who has tried running, you know that it is impossible to run two paces at the same time. And yet I try. I try to be both a sprinter and a marathoner at the same time, failing equally at both.

There are growing pains in learning this new, slower rhythm. The silence can feel lonely, or the depth can feel so vulnerable. But the growing pains are good. They are evidence that growth is happening, newness is springing up within me.

Confidence, security and transparency with the Lord are all worth learning new rhythms, and the discomfort that comes along with them. They are worth sitting in the silence, even when it feels unproductive. The Lord does not long to restore my soul to enable me to create, but because I am His creation. My life will be His masterpiece, not what I write or speak, but me. Me, in His image, being used for His glory.

It is only in the silence that my soul can be restored, and I can begin to let Him create in me. What He is creating in me is far better than anything I can create.

I did not think that I wanted to go to a state school. I looked at 13 different colleges and a majority of them were private universities on the East Coast. I planned each semester of high school dreaming of Boston College or Duke. All it took was one trip to Bloomington, Indiana during the fall of my senior year to realize that it was the place I would spend four years of college. It didn’t make logical sense. Ohio has plenty of great public universities (The Ohio State University), and yet I made the decision that felt right.

Baby faith and sororities do not usually go well together. Sticking to barely existent convictions in a place that encourages behavior in contrast to them does not make for a healthy situation. Except I learned to walk with Jesus in my sorority house. Each day I was challenged and a situation that could have broken my faith actually strengthened and defined it. It didn’t make sense and yet it was good.

I moved to Indianapolis to work at a job where I could barely make a living. At the time, I was not encouraged by opportunities for growth. After I accepted my job offer, I got two more, both that would have paid better. My dad called me one day over my lunch break and said, “Caitlin, do you know what you’re doing?” I faked confidence in my decision to move to Indianapolis, but at my core I was scared shitless that I had not put enough thought into this decision and I was about to walk into a really bad situation financially. Last week, after 18 months at my job, I wrote my own job description. This is not something that I thought would happen even this fall. The decision I made in July 2013, to move to Indianapolis, did not make sense. I was living rent free at my parents house with two job offers that would allow me to continue living there, and yet I did what felt right.

This year, I have talked with several families who are being obedient to the Lord in where they have decided to adopt from, or in timeline. Their decisions may not make logical sense. Yet I have heard each family say, “I just want to be obedient.” The life of faith often means making decisions that don’t make sense by the world’s standards.

Some leave well-paying jobs. Some move away from family, outside their comfort zones. Some take on ministry responsibilities they aren’t quite qualified for. Some plant churches in cities where the Gospel is desperately needed, but not necessarily desired. All out of obedience. There are times when God’s leading does not make sense. The world cannot and will not be able to understand, and yet, we obey.

Tomorrow is Good Friday. The day of the crucifixion, nothing quite made sense. The disciples and Christ-followers of the time knew Jesus had to die, but they could not understand why. Why now? Why this way? Why this man?

In the gap of Friday and Sunday, God gave no answers. I am sure to those in mourning, confused and heart-broken, those were long days. The logistics did not line up. And then Sunday came. It made sense again.

We live in the tension of Good Friday and Easter. Jesus has already come and died. He has risen again. He will come back for us. But for now, there will be things that do not make sense, and we will be led by the Lord to places that we do not yet understand. We may never understand.

The life of a Christian means we leap and hope God catches us. Because He will. He is faithful.

So many great things happened this month. I booked my summer vacation, had a roommate reunion, joined the team of dear friends launching a website, and received a promotion at work. I also learned a lot about calling.  It was a month where I saw fruit of labor that started long ago. In the midst of fruitful seasons, it can be so tempting to forget the faithfulness that went into it. I can forget that I’m reaping not only the seeds I’ve planted, but that others have too. In a season of fruitfulness, I must turn back to the Lord, and lay it all at His feet. I did not get here myself. There were days when simply showing up took all my strength. But God honors the small effort. I am thankful for a month like March, for the reminder that faithfulness is what the Lord desires out of me, each day. I’m not always a list maker, and I apologize for two days in row of lists, but I could not think of a better way to organize this post.

Christianity is the faith of abandoning my rights, why am I demanding them?

This is the life of surrender. Not the life of entitlement. The way of the Kingdom must look different from the way of the world. My rights belong at the foot of the cross.

Joy in Aloneness

Over the past year, I have grown more comfortable spending time by myself. In college, I would panic when I had an evening without plans; less than three years later, I enjoy time by myself. However, I am still deeply relational. If I have the choice to spend time with friends, I will. Month after month, my highlights include the time I was able to spend in community with others. There’s a need for balance, and I want to fight for it, but as a friend recently reminded me, “people matter.”

Media Bias

I’ve always known that the media spins things. I am not surprised when the truth comes out to be different from the articles that I was reading, and how others were responding. After watching how people responding to Indiana’s RFRA bill and listening to Monica Lewinsky’s TED Talk, I’m increasingly aware of the bias of the media. Drama makes money, but there is always someone human behind the drama. Someone whose story is being told unfairly, and sometimes without their consent.

Ministry From A Millennial

Writing is fun, but editing is also very fun. Earlier in the month one of my friend invited me to join the team of a blog he is trying to launch. There’s a team of us working hard to generate and edit content, formulate a mission statement and build a community. Our target audience is twenty-somethings who are either in full-time ministry or navigating the balance of working a day job and seeking to bring our faith into our work places. Working

Biblical Community is a Privilege

I live in Christian community. On Thursday nights at small group, when we confess sin and struggles, we are met with grace. When I verbally process some the deep fears in my heart over the phone with my best friend, I’m met with encouragement. When I am uncertain and God feels silent, I am met with truth and prayer. I am working towards not taking this gift for granted.

Therefore, let him who until now has had the privilege of living a common Christian life with other Christians praise God’s grace from the bottom of his heart. Let him thank God on his knees and declare: It is grace, nothing but grace, that we are allowed to live in community with other Christian brethren.” (Life Together, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, 20)

I am thankful for months like March. Weekends jam packed with people and then other weekends of quiet. I am thankful for days that are not promised and a truly faithful God.