Uncategorized – Page 8 – Freedom in my Brokenness

Someone Else’s Turn

Published on September 20, 2014 by Caitlin SnyderLeave a comment

I’m not heading back to Bloomington this weekend. That fact has brought me close to tears multiple times today. I wouldn’t be at Sweet’n’Low, I don’t get to help target how to reach freshman this fall, I wouldn’t be gathering and following up contacts, and I wouldn’t get to watch as God grabs the hearts of students at IU. When I dream about joining staff with a campus ministry like Cru, part of me wonders if I could handle it, not necessarily the support raising or the full-time ministry aspect, but the transient-ness that comes with working with college students. College is such a short period of a person’s life. Four years. Sometimes three and sometimes five, but then it’s over. My college career, my four years are done. I’m not going back. I’ll be moving to Indianapolis to start the next season, but it’s not college.

freed to be me

There’s a strange peace that has come over me as I’ve prayed through this, I’m sad, but peaceful. In one week, a bright-eyed freshman girl is going to set foot onto IU’s campus with no idea what she wants out of life, and she’s going to search for her place. She’ll try different organizations, and settle on Cru, where she’ll meet people, some of whom have grown up in the church and others who are getting their feet wet with the whole Christianity thing, just like her. Over the next four years, this girl will grow, she’ll face the depth of her sin and the grace that God offers. She’ll make mistakes with boys and develop really meaningful relationships with other girls. She’ll stay up too late, and skip more classes than she ever intended. Most importantly, she’ll get to know Jesus, and what it means to have a relationship with Him, a relationship that will outlast and out-value everything else in her life.

How do I know this? Because that was me. There were girls before me, just like there will be girls after me, whose lives God will change during college. I’m humbled to reflect on the girl I was 4 years ago, and all that God has done in me and through me since I set foot on IU’s campus.

I can’t head back to Bloomington, it’s some one else’s turn. It’s another girl’s turn to wander her way through all the fears of true surrender, to spend countless hours in Wright Food Court, to dream of what revival looks like in her sorority house, to plan discipleships, and to fall madly in love with Jesus. IU saw the good, the bad and the ugly of Caitlin Snyder. It’s beautiful to admit it’s not my time to be in college anymore, it’s someone else’s. I hope and pray that the freshmen stepping onto IU’s campus know how special it is, and that the freshman who find themselves at the Check-Out-Cru meeting next Thursday will let the Gospel transform their hearts. Bloomington is not my home anymore, just as it’s not my Cru movement anymore. And that’s beautiful because it’s someone else’s turn.

July

Published on September 20, 2014 by Caitlin SnyderLeave a comment

One of my new favorite bloggers posts lessons she’s learned during the month at the end of it. I loved the idea, and obviously copied her. Here’s the 5 lessons I’ve learned this month:

When God chooses to move, He doesn’t wait around for doubters. Within two weeks, I accepted a job offer, found a roommate and went apartment searching. I had started to believe God had forgotten about me, and then the skies opened up, and I was so sweetly reminded that He does remember and care about me. He just needed me to completely surrender fully, and to be ready on His timeline, not mine.

I am so blessed with my siblings. This summer we’ve moved past the normal sibling bickering and entered into truly enjoying each other. We cook each other meals and go on runs together. I’m thankful for Emilee and Jake. And so thankful for the time I’ve gotten to spend with them this summer.

Too much caffeine makes me very anxious. Not just shaky, hardcore anxiety sets in. If I didn’t eat breakfast before my coffee, it’s bad news bears. Which is sad because I love fountain coke, and I’m moving back to the land of Polar Pops.

Weddings are a beautiful celebration. The past two weekends I’ve gotten to attend weddings for two coupes I love dearly. Each wedding I attend, I learn a little bit more about love, and I get to see it reflected in new ways.

Retail stores start to put out their fall lines in the middle of July. I used to think this was just J.Crew, but then I went into Bath & Body Works during the first week in July to buy coconut scented lotion, and they said that the fragrance was done for the year. Fall in July… while I like fall, July seems just a tad bit early for it to begin.

To see what others learned this month, click here!

What a Difference a Year Makes

Published on September 20, 2014 by Caitlin SnyderLeave a comment

What a difference a year makes. I want to go back to January 25^th, 2010 and smack me in the face. I’m not going to say in this year I’ve gained a ton of maturity or learned lessons that I’ll never have to relearn, but in the past year of my life I’ve done a lot of growing and learning. Turning 19, I was very immature, completely focused on what everyone thought of me and trying to be the Christian that I thought I “had” to be. Last spring was full of a lot of striving. Striving to be the friend that included everyone; striving to be the sorority girl that didn’t fulfill the stereotype and striving to be the Christian that I was “supposed” to be. Sadly, I thought I could accomplish these things based on my own power, not relying on God’s power.

I became the friend so focused on her friends that she could never be alone. I can’t say I became the stereotypical sorority girl, but I was very materialistic (and still struggle with that). I became the kind of Christian who did things that I thought I had to do, not out of desire to serve the Lord. I wasn’t an epic failure, but I did very little that forced me to rely on God. I liked doing safe things and while I cared about my friends, I was not investing in anyone new. I looked at situations and how they directly affected me – if I could be glorified or benefited. Thankfully, God’s done some work in this heart of mine in the past year. It’s been painful and I’ve lived on the strugglebus for most of it, but I like to think I’m in a much better place as I turn 20.

This past year has easily been one of the hardest ones. I lost a wonderful grandmother – something that has rocked me to my core. I got the first C of my academic career – something that has forced to remember that I’m so much more than my grades. I moved into a house with 95 diverse and wonderful women – something that blessed me beyond belief, but also grown my patience. I stood on my feet for 36 hours for IUDM – ahh that’s pain. I also experienced growth in many friendships that has forced me to remember that Jesus is my best friend – He’s with me during everything and He will never disappoint. He’s my rock, He’s who I should be turning to in ALL situations.

In this past year, through seeing the terrible person I am, I’ve been able to be more and more captivated with Jesus Christ – the author and perfecter of my faith. I feel so loved by God that all the love I feel from others is just a bonus. Sunday night I was praying as I went to bed that my birthday would not be about me or bringing glory to me. I’ve felt God delighting in me, so I didn’t want people to. Today has been a blessed day. I want to tell everyone to stop being so nice. I’ve had a permanent smile on my face – it’s been a day of blown expectations because didn’t expect anything. That’s a wonderful feeling. Almost as good as being able to say that I’m in my twenties. And that’s almost as good as knowing that even as I was a selfish person in the past year, God still used me. He uses the lowly of the world to exalt Himself. How cool that He chooses to use me.

Thank you God for using me this past year. You didn’t have to, but it grew me so much. I’m truly blessed.

Perfection

Published on September 20, 2014 by Caitlin SnyderLeave a comment

I mess up a lot. I put my foot in my mouth, I say things I shouldn’t say, I idolize friendships and don’t always treat my body as though it’s a temple of the Holy Spirit. Basically, as much I wish this wasn’t true, I’m just as bad as everyone else. My life as a follower of Jesus Christ doesn’t mean I screw up less. It doesn’t mean I automatically stop making mistakes and hurting people – those things make me human, unfortunately, I will be putting my foot in my mouth, hurting people and putting things above God until the day I die. The difference is, I’m not in chains to these screw-ups. The beauty of grace is that I feel sucky for a couple of days, apologize to those who I’ve hurt and realize that I’m forgiven, not because what I’ve done is okay, but because of Christ on the cross. This is not an easy process for me – or anyone for that matter. I kinda wish I was perfect – sometimes. It would make it much easier for me to understand how and why God loves me.

The new thing that baffles me, a lesson God started teaching my heart in about November and will be teaching me for the rest of my earthly life is that God works everything for my good. Not just the good things I do. Not just the times I share the gospel. Not just the times I selflessly love someone. Everything. Even the times I turn away from God, He still uses the results and me for His good. He’s that big. He’s that good. So many times over the past 2 months I’ve been forced to confront my sin and I will for the rest of my life. At some points I’ve been so crippled by the ways I fail God that I can’t breathe… and that is not God’s desire. He chooses to show me my sin out of love, not out of anger. Hebrews 12:7 says, “Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons.” I substitute sons with daughters. So when I go through hardships – in the context of this verse Paul is referring mostly to the discipline that comes from being sinners – I should turn back to God and say thank you for loving me enough to show me this. Thank you for wanting me to grow. And then remind myself that “it is God who works in [me] to will and to act according to his good purpose,” (Philipians 2:13). It’s funny because in the times when I have messed up big and asked for forgiveness, I’ve felt the Lord pat me on the head and say, “well done, my good and faithful servant.”

The world wants me to see the ways that I fail to be perfect. My Heavenly Father wants me to see all the ways that He is perfect. I will never be perfect. I can learn and re-learn lessons, but at the core, I’ll always be a broken little sinner in desperate need of a savior. My savior is Jesus Christ, He was perfect both in His humanity and in His godliness. Instead of focusing on my sin and my screw-ups, I will choose to set my eyes on Him and be captivated by His perfect, beauty and humility. As for believing that God loves me in my brokenness – that’s something I chose to believe every moment of every day.

Trust

Published on September 20, 2014 by Caitlin SnyderLeave a comment

Trust. It’s a central part to every relationship. It’s necessary in telling people about yourself. It’s necessary in getting into a car with someone. It’s necessary in entering into new levels of intimacy. I like to say that when I meet someone I say, “Hi, my name is Caitlin, here are all my problems”. God has blessed me with an ability to trust pretty instantaneously and to be very open with things that have the ability to hurt me. In being open and vulnerable, I trust that people I tell things too are going to protect me and not hurt me. I trust that they are legitimately good people who will not use the power I give them for evil. The irony in all of this is how difficult it can be for me to trust that God is good.

It’s written every where in scripture, but two of my latest favorites are Romans 8:28 (And we know that in all things God for the good of those who love Him and who have been called to His purpose) and Deuteronomy 7:21 (Do not be terrified by them, for the Lord your God, who is among you, is a great and awesome God). God works for my God and God is a good and awesome God. Yes, He is. He has freed me from sin, He sent His son to die for me, and He has redeemed things in my life for the better. I know that He is a good, faithful, omniscient, freeing, restoring, redeeming, awesome God… in my head, my heart sometimes struggles. I am a type A personality. I like plans, I like finished products, I like my ideas and I like to be in charge. These can be good qualities in a project member, but can sometime cause me to live in sin. Because I like to plan things, I don’t always let God lead me. Because I like finished products, I don’t always trust that God going to carry it out until completion. Because I like my ideas, I struggle with humility and compromise. Because I like to be in charge, I don’t always trust God’s plan. The common threads is that in all these things, I struggle to see God as a good and awesome God. I have difficulty trusting that He will work everything for my good.

At a summer camp I did, the central theme was “knowledge without experience leaves room for doubt”. The more I experience God as a good God, the more I will know, in my heart, that He is a good God. This is such a paradox in my life. Before I get in a car with someone, I don’t ask for their driving record, or think that they want to do harm for me. My prayer is that I became more trusting of God than I am of people. That I don’t hesitate to believe that God is working all things for my good. That I don’t hesitate to believe that God is going to redeem yuckiness. That I don’t hesitate to believe that God will carry everything out until its completion. That I don’t hesitate to believe that God is a great and awesome God who longs for me to experience His love, compassion, forgiveness and faithfulness.

A Legacy That Lasts

Published on September 20, 2014 by Caitlin Snyder1 Comment

I love being in a sorority; even more, I love Phi Mu. I genuinely enjoy the sisterhood, the living with 95 girls and the never being alone part. I love that my sisters are willing to do whatever they can to make yucky days better days. I love trying to brighten their days and being given the opportunity to be there for them. But, through recruitment, I’ve learned that I also really enjoy getting the opportunity of being part of something greater. Evaluating how my behavior as a sister affects the rest of my house, has allowed me to explore the fact that I represent more than just myself. I represent what it means to be Greek. I represent the Delta Alpha chapter of Phi Mu. I represent the tradition of love, honor and truth that Phi Mu represents. I’ve been entrusted to represent the legacy of Phi Mu.

Naturally, God has used this reflection to teach me about what it means to be a Christ-follower. I call myself a Christian, and in doing so, I represent Christ. Yikes, if that doesn’t scare me crapless, nothing else does. I will never ever in this lifetime be able to even halfway live up to the legacy of Jesus. I will fail immensely at showing God’s love to people and to following Him, but I still get to call myself a Christ-follower and be part of the legacy that was started over 2000 years ago. In fact, as it is stated in Ephesians, I am a co-heir with Christ. I will unfailingly bring shame to His name, but He will share His inheritance with me in heaven. Crazy.

Just as I have to think of my sisters and rely on them for strength when I have nothing left, so I also have to look to Christ and do my best to continue on His legacy for love, forgiveness and sacrifice. As Beth Moore puts it, I have to “die daily to the the part of [myself] that [can] deny, destroy, or distract form the great work of God in [me]. The great work of God through [me].”

Seeking His Comfort

Published on September 20, 2014 by Caitlin SnyderLeave a comment

My grandma would have been 70 years old today. I say would have been because almost a year ago today she died after a 5.5 year battle with pancreatic cancer… wow I haven’t said that out loud, or even typed that in words in a while. The truth is, because she left such an impact on me, I’m still grieving almost 6 months later. Every Sunday night at 8pm feels lonely because I don’t to talk to her on the phone and when something exciting happens, she’s one of the first people I wish I could tell. True confession, I still haven’t had the heart to delete her from my phone… every time I type in Na, her name pops up and I have to remind myself that calling Nana isn’t an option anymore. The past six months have brought healing in my heart, but the truth is, there’s still a lot of brokenness that I still feel frequently.

God keeps teaching me that trust is a key part in any relationships. Trust and true emotions. There are few times in my life when I’ve felt legitimately angry with God – after the earthquake in Haiti and the night after I said good-bye to my grandmother for the last time. While I was sad that she was being taken from me, it was so hard to try to understand why she was still here – I felt like she had suffered enough. One of my best friends told me something that night that has comforted me so much – it’s okay to be mad at God. It’s okay to ask for explanations, as long as through it, I trust that in His time He will reveal His goodness to me. Yes, today I feel angry that she died so young, that she’ll miss my college graduation, my wedding and other significant things in the next 10 years. Then I remind myself that I got 19 love filled years with her. She watched me graduate from high school — that’s a blessing. There’s less anger than 6 months ago and hopefully the next year bring more healing — I’m trusting that God will continue to heal my heart and lead me into less bitterness and sadness.

I came across a verse in Isaiah a couple days ago that I came back today, as I’m a hot mess walking around campus and crying in my room. “I, the Lord have called you in righteousness; I will take hold of your hand.” (Isaiah42:6) The second part of that is so comforting to me. The intimate act of hand-holding is something the God of the universe desires to do for me. When I think of someone holding my hand, they guide me, they stabilize me when I stumble, and they are there to motivate me when I want to give up. God is not absent in my struggles and my heartache, He is there, right alongside me hold my hand. There’s still healing in my heart to be done, January 11^th and July 24^th will always be two of the most difficult days of the year for me, but on these days, I find comfort in the fact that God knows and God is there right beside me; all I have to do is squeeze my hand and seek His comfort.

Choosing Jesus

Published on September 20, 2014 by Caitlin SnyderLeave a comment

So for anyone who knows me, I get stressed really easily. Over things that don’t often turn out to be anything at all. So, it’s only natural that at the beginning at a new semester, or as I finish packing my clothes to head back to Bloomington, I get a little anxious. Tonight, as I brought my big suitcase down the stairs and said good night and good bye to my little brother, that feeling of anxiety started in the pit of my stomach and the back of my head. This past semester and the past year have not been easy and there’s a lot of stuff that I’m still processing through, so the thought of jumping right back into the things that have thrown me around in the past, scares the crap out of me. I don’t want to make the same mistakes that I made first semester, I don’t want to miss out on the same opportunities that I did last semester and I don’t want to feel as exhausted, drained and incapable as I did last semester. However, as my final episode of online Grey’s Anatomy ended, I felt the Lord speaking to my heart.

He was saying, “Caitlin, you are my workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which I prepared in advance for you to do. (Ephesians 2:9) Go, do the work this semester that I have perfectly designed for you. For you are not perfect, but you are my workmanship, you are constantly being refined.”

Now, I have felt the Lord answering my prayers, I’ve felt Him literally carry me through some pretty rough times, but this was the first time, I wasn’t deep in prayer or journaling that God spoke to me. After Indy CC, I was feeling very broken and crippled; I asked God for comfort, for clarity and for guidance. And He gave it to me. It is for this reason, that in this next 15 hours of change and possible anxiety, I will choose Jesus. I will choose to believe that the same God that brought me way into freedom this past semester will bring me into this semester. I will choose to believe that His plan will prevail as much as I unconsciously try to screw it up. I will choose to believe that trust and hope are more powerful than anxiety and fear. I will wake up tomorrow, finish packing, and with God’s strength and my human mind, choose to follow Jesus – even when that means into trials and suffering – because He prepared good works in advance for ME… not because He needs me, but because He loves me.