Freedom in my Brokenness

This is a great workout song, but it is also a wonderful reminder that in the midst of the struggle, Jesus will be victorious! Hope has won! When I’m able to slow down, create the smallest bit of space and lift my eyes to God, I’m reminded that He will be victorious in the end.

Do I believe that God will show up?

How about a year in when things are more difficult?

How about three years later, still struggling with similar issues?

I want to say that no matter how long I’ve been waiting for whatever it may be – healing, freedom, reconciliation – that I will not waiver in my belief that God is a god who provides.  Reality check: I want to bail when things get tough, or when He doesn’t show up on my timeline. I want to throw a party – a pity party. I wallow. I cry. I’m just like Sarah, who when God did not prove faithful on His promise to her and Abraham on her self-created timeline, went out and fixed the problem on her own, messing everything up further. Waiting creates an idolater out of me. I long to put myself on the throne, especially when I am not confident that God will prove faithful to His promises on the timeline that I have set.

A sweet friend paraphrased a workshop she was listening as we chatted on my drive home yesterday. She shared that the speaker said, “Get your eyes off the clock and onto Jesus.” When my eyes focus on the clock, I get so tunnel visioned, I cannot see what is going on around me. I also become obsessive, and am irritated on how long God is taking to fulfill His promise to me. There is no timeline for getting over heartbreak, staying a job that is difficult, or kicking an addiction. We can simply take each day at a time. I know that God is good and He desires to fulfill His promises to me. He wants me to live a life of true freedom, but on this journey, I am my own worst enemy. I want to know when. When will the tears stop, when will the frustration end, when will I be able to always resist the temptation. Instead of growing weary, I must shift my focus. From when, to who. Jesus.

I know how the story ends. Jesus will be victorious over all. Every knee will bow and every tongue will confess that He is Lord. In the midst of everyday struggles that seem to go on and on, I can shift my focus to the one thing that truly will endure forever. From the clock, to the King of the Ages. Around me, in the midst of the heartbreak, loneliness, frustration, despair and confusion, God is fulfilling His promises to me, on His timeline. If I can shift my focus from the clock to Jesus, I will be able to see everything that He is doing around me, and rejoice in those provisions, even if they aren’t exactly what I’m waiting for.

Not only is He fulfilling His promises to me, but He extends grace to me in the waiting. When I am frustrated and want to run in the other direction, His grace strengthens me. In the middle of trials, God is gracious enough to empower me to shift my focus from the clock to Himself. God has been faithful 100% of the time, but not always, or really ever, on my timeline. As soon as I can look away from the clock and focus on Him, my priority will not be my messed up timeline, but instead rejoicing in His faithfulness.

Grace: God’s unmerited favor

I see God’s grace most clearly in my relationships. I did not do a thing to deserve the friends in my life. It is a privilege to have so many close, dear friends spread out across the country. I cherish those who are Team Caitlin and to care for me so well. I can’t quite put into works how thankful I am to have deep relationships with so many quality women and men. So today I’ll let someone else’s words speak how I feel.

“Friendship is an opportunity to act on God’s behalf in the lives of the people that we’re close to, reminding each other who God is. When we do the hard, intimate work of friendship, we bring a little more of the divine into daily life. We get to remind one another about the bigger, more beautiful picture that we can’t always see from where we are.”

-Shauna Niequist

Every Thursday, I meet with my friend from church and we talk through what God is doing in our lives and she trains me on some material that our church is passionate about people being knowledgeable on. This morning we were talking about what she called roadblocks, but I’ve previously heard them called defeater beliefs. Defeater beliefs are the ideas that keep people from believing in the Bible, become Christians or moving forward in their faith. She asked me, “Why Christianity?” What she was really asking was — out of all the religions, spiritual practices and ways to heaven and a higher power, why am I sold on Christianity.

I responded quickly, “Grace.” I am sold out for the Christianity thing because of grace. In my 18 years of life leading up to giving my life to Christ and in the 5 years since, I have not come across another religion that is built on the idea of grace. A lot of people will admit that they are bad, fallen, not perfect, but the natural response to this “brokenness” is to simply work harder. “If I work harder, I will be able to be good enough.” “If I do enough good things, they will outweigh the bad that I’ve done.” “Come on, I’m not really that bad.” I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you are just that bad. And so am I. God set such a high standard for us that we could not meet it ourselves. No amount of good works can get us there. No matter if you go to church every day for the rest of your life, you’re not getting to heaven on your accord. Sounds pretty depressing, right?

Well, until grace comes onto the scene in the form of Jesus Christ.He lived the perfect life, rebelling against the religious leaders of His time, dying a brutal death on the cross. By living the perfect life, Jesus is able to pay the penalty for our sins. All of our sins are paid for, so there’s no need to work ourselves to death trying to make up for our shortcomings. Instead, because of grace, we can spend our lives living in gratitude to the one who paid the price. I’ve put all my eggs in the Christianity basket, I’ve built my life on the promises of the Bible, because of grace. I don’t trust myself to get there on my own, thankfully God made a way. That’s the only thing that makes sense for me — grace.

Today, after I finished my run on the treadmill, I walked upstairs at our apartment gym and started lifting weights. Even though I consider myself in pretty good shape, the past month has been busy and working out has not been at the top of my priority list. As I was doing bicep curls, I was cringing because I felt out of practice, like I was out of the habit of working my muscles in that way.

Some seasons I move very fast, other seasons I’m in a better habit of moving more intentionally and creating space for God to move. In seasons when I’m moving fast, as I try to put the breaks on, it’s a similar feeling to my muscles burning as I lift weights. As I try to learn more about grace and breathe deeper breaths, an action that does not come naturally to me, my muscles are burning; they are being asked to act in a way that is strengthening them in the long term, but hurting them in the present. Just like I love how defined my arm muscles are when I’m working out regularly, I love how present God feels when I take time to slow down and enjoy Him.

But it takes practice. Can’t I just be there now, God? My soul aches to know and experience You more, but this process of slowing down is just difficult. I’m being asked to say no to things that are good, they’re just not of You. I’m re-evaulating my priorities and starting to understand that they don’t honor you right now. Can’t I just skip to the good stuff? Can I see the fruit of my labor? But practice makes perfect. Maybe in this situation, it wouldn’t make perfect, but it will make You more present, Lord.

Practice leads to greater presence.

Building space into my day for grace is a practice. I’m out of it. But, I’m easing back into it. I’m slowing myself down, even though I don’t feel like I have time for it. I’m seeking the Lord to direct me. I’m asking Him what exercises will get me there. And hopefully, just like consistent work-outs leave me less sore, the practice of slowing down and letting God lead will allow more space for grace and the presence of God more clearly.

 

Because it’s Wednesday and this is one of my favorite songs. Thankful for the way the Holy Spirit moves through musicians, specifically Vertical Church Band.

I recently started reading Lysa Terkeurst’s book, The Best Yes. She writes about her life and coming to terms with her Best Yes, which is the role that each of us are supposed to place. She details that coming to these roles and playing these parts in God’s story depends on our ability to use the important words of Yes and No.

I’m a Yes Girl. Before I’ve even thought through what I’m committing to, Yes is already out of my mouth. I long to meet needs. I want to be available. I want to be dependable. Sounds good, right? In theory, but in practice, I can find myself committed to more than what I can handle, and as a result, I’m exhausted and unable to give my best to everything I have committed to. My relationships, specifically my relationship with God, suffer when I overcommit. The things I was so excited to do and the ways I was excited to serve become burdens and items on my to-do list.

I’m starting to say no more. No, that date does not work for me. No, I cannot fit that into my schedule. No, I cannot cover your shift. I don’t say no easily or lightly, I try to evaluate when and why I’m saying no. I’ve also started to evaluate what I’m saying yes, before I say it. Am I wanting to please someone? Am I afraid to say no? Am I making this about me? There are plenty of good things that I can say yes to, but are they God things, that’s what I’m trying to evaluate.

One of my very best friends shared with me early on in my walk with Jesus, as leadership positions and responsibilities started to pull me in different directions, that my no gives someone else the opportunity to say yet. When I say no, because that’s what God has led me to do, someone else says yes to what God is calling them to. To take that one step further, there are some wonderful yeses that I’ve been able to say because someone else said no first.

Yes and no are equally powerful words. Just as I can experience God’s goodness in saying yes, stepping up to the plate, meeting a need, He is equally as good when I am obedient in saying no.

*I am over halfway through The Best Yes and I strongly recommend it. Lysa Tekeurst, the Executive Director of Proverbs 31 Ministries, does a terrific job storytelling and Bible teaching alongside each other about such a relevant issue!

I’m a nonfiction girl through and through. I long to learn more about the world and to read about real things. But, once in a blue moon, I get so into a novel that I want to keep reading against my better judgment. To get so lost in the lives of the characters that I forget to care about what time the alarm will go off in the morning. This week, the characters of Jojo Moyes’ novel, Silver Bay, captivated me. It is a smart, complex multi-layered love story rooted in a mother’s love for her daughters. I strong recommend the novel!

 

 

I have a shopping problem. I’m working on it, but given the amount of clothing I already have, I have no business spending more money on clothing. In an effort to curb my shopping, I bought a new storage container for my sweaters so that I could see them all at the same time. My hope is that in seeing them, I wouldn’t feel the need to purchase any more, even when they’re on a ridiculously good sale, and I can stack my employee discount on top of the discount price.

The most exciting part of this story is that I build he cube container all by myself. I got the hammer and the screwdriver, followed the instructions and in 30 minutes, I was able to assemble the shelving unit. I am unbelievably proud of myself for having the confidence to start it and the persistence to finish it!

Fall weather has descended on Indianapolis and it is here to stay. With children back in school and the leaves starting to change, it’s the season for vendor tables and National Adoption Month. I spent Saturday working at Indy Family Fest speaking with families about international adoption and MLJ Adoptions’ country programs. Each time I answer a family’s questions, or share about the need for international adoption, I’m reminded just how much I love my job and how God has uniquely equipped me to do it. I am humbled at the opportunity to interact with courageous families and to advocate for the world’s most vulnerable children.