Category: Growing Up

When I left Chicago almost 2 years ago after summer project and the best summer I’ve ever had, a sweet friend looked me in the eyes and said, “this is how we get set free.” You see, I was sad about leaving Chicago. It was in that city that I saw God move mountains in my faith. I spent countless hours with my nose in my Bible and it was some of the best community I had ever experienced. Healing happened. I simply did not want to leave. The point of summer project was/is to learn to truly walk with God and do ministry on college campuses so that I could take my experiences back to IU, and bring the Gospel to my own campus. I went back to Bloomington and took with me the experiences from summer project, and had a wonderful year.

This phrase came back to me this year as prepared to leave Bloomington. Throughout the past year, I’ve asked God numerous times if He wanted me back in Bloomington and never heard a yes. Knowing what I know now, I’ve spent time wondering if I made the right decision. And I am confident that I did. For the same reason Chicago Summer Project could not go on forever. Leaving Bloomington, stepping outside the community that knows me so well is how I get set free.

At the beginning of His ministry, Jesus gathered 12 men to be His disciples. They went with Him as He healed and preached. They spent time with Him and learned from Him. And then Jesus sent them out on their own. Mark 6:12-13 states, “They went out and preached that people should repent. They drove out many demons and anointed many sick people with oil and healed them.” The disciples go out and then they come back, only to be sent out again. This is how God uses us to spread the Gospel, by sending those He has called out to the world.

I love Cru. I love IU. I love Bloomington. But, I get set free by leaving. I get set free by being sent. I don’t exactly know where I’m being sent – lots of opportunities right now, but I know that I am sent. I have been trained to share the Gospel. I have seen what authentic community looks like. Wonderful mentors have invested me in. I have had the opportunity to plan events for God’s glory. I have been taught how to lead a Bible study. Heck, I’ve been taught how to study the Bible. I believe people have been called back to IU to intern with Cru and give a year of their lives to college ministry, but I know that right now I’m called to be sent out.

Being sent is how I’m set free. The greatest desire of my heart is to walk with Jesus for a lifetime, wherever my life my lead. I needed to leave Bloomington to learn how to walk with Jesus during this next season of life. I get to take everything I’ve learned in the past 4 years with me wherever I may end up. The college season of my life is over, but leaving and moving on is how I get set free.

I had a cool conversation last summer with a co-worker. I was commenting on how difficult the 20’s are. I’m 22. I’m broke. I’m unemployed. I’m single. I’ll be moving back in with my mom and dad. In so many ways, I feel like a failure. My college degree seems useless, but I’ll be paying it off for the next couple years. Anyways, I was telling this co-worker about how my mom told me that the 20’s are just plain hard. You don’t have much money, jobs are hard to come by and long-term vision may be lacking. All of which I’m currently experiencing. My friend, who was 28, responded, “Yes, it could be a difficult season, but think about how great the season could be too. Just you and God and a huge adventure.”

There are so many ideas about the 20’s. Each day I find a new blog about it. You should travel in your 20’s. You should save money in your 20’s. You should get married in your 20’s. You shouldn’t complain about not working your dream job in your 20’s. If I listened to all the advice that people have for this unique decade of my life, I would run in circles because I wouldn’t know where to actually go or what to do. I don’t need advice from others to make me feel even more confused.

My new theory is that one’s 20’s are confusing and hard. That’s why there’s such a desire to make sense of them. The quicker I can shake the idea that I need to have a plan or do things the same way as everyone else in order for something to be good, the quicker I can start enjoying my 20’s and this season of life. The unknown and uncertainty doesn’t make it any less of an adventure, and God is constant and good. I met with a pastor at my church this week and he told me that it’s important to acknowledge what is true about my current circumstances. I am unemployed, single and lacking in direction, but it’s also important to acknowledge what is true about God. He is always good. His love guides and sustains me. He is writing a beautiful story of with my life. Nothing about God changes even when my circumstances change. The God who brought me into relationship with Him here in Bloomington when I was 18 will continue to be faithful as I move home to Cincinnati on Sunday. I don’t need to make sense of my 20’s; I don’t even have to have a plan for my 20’s, I just get to walk closely with Jesus and let Him write the adventure.

When I feel like my life is falling apart, I tend to call my mom a lot. During normal times in life, I usually talk to her once a day. When things are really going great, sometimes we only talk every three days. The past 3 weeks I think we’ve averaged talking on the phone three times a day. Such is life. We were talking on the phone on Friday and she mentioned a job opportunity; obviously this unemployed almost-college graduate’s ears perked up. She went onto say that there currently aren’t any of this position, but there would be soon. The department is not in a place to hire quite yet. Not yet. I responded back saying, “This seems to be the season of ‘not quite yets’, huh?” She chuckled and said confidently, “Caitlin, it’s going to fall into place soon.”

My life does not look like what I thought it would, as college graduation is less than a week away. Instead of apartment searching in Chicago, I’m preparing to move home with my parents. Instead of being about to start a cool new job, I’m still unemployed and applying for things with the only necessary qualification being a high school diploma. Two weeks ago in the midst of what will go down as probably the worst week of my life thus far, I heard the Lord say, “Caitlin, I needed to drastically redirect you.” And that He did. From a place of confidence in what the future looked like to the yuckiness of complete uncertainty. Yet, I’m reminded that I never really knew what the future looked like.

So here I am, in complete uncertainty, waiting. Waiting. Waiting for the not yets to become exciting cheers of finally. I am waiting to see what job God provides, waiting to see what church I end up attending, and waiting to see what community I’ll be a part of. Waiting reminds me of just how much I like to be in the know. I like to make plans, and have the necessary information to make said plans. That’s not my reality right now. I move home in exactly a week and all I know is that I’ve filled out a bunch of job applications, and I’ll be working at J.Crew until something else works out. Waiting reminds me that the only thing worthy of hope is Christ. In fact, my life here on earth is merely a waiting period until the perfect eternity of heaven. As much as I hate it, waiting is a reality; Moses and the Israelites waited in the desert for 40 years. In fact the premise of Christianity is built around the Jews waiting on a messiah, or Jesus. Entire generations waited.

As I journaled this morning, I was reminded that God cares more about my sanctification than He does my comfort. I am not comfortable right now. Waiting makes me anxious. It makes me a doubter. But it also reminds me that I serve a faithful God. I serve a God who goes to great measures to redirect me to a place that is not just good, but great. I serve a God who is working all things so that they do fall into place… in His timing, not mine. He will redeem all of these not yets for His glory.

I’m at a crossroads in my life. As a second semester senior, I don’t feel like I have a plan, which is killing the planner in me. My prayer each day begins with something along the lines of, “God, show me what You have for me starting in May.” Thankfully halfway through the prayer, it turns into, “Lord, I want the ability to trust you in whatever you have in store for next year, and I want to trust your timing. Strengthen me in the waiting.” The Lord has decided to be silent on His plan for me next year. So I’m waiting, not very patiently. I wish I could say that I’m okay with this, but to be honest, it’s an incredibly difficult season. I want to start to prepare for what comes next, but God is good in the waiting; in fact, in scripture it says, “Blessed are those who wait for Him” (Isaiah 30:18). I want to wait on Him, at least I want to want to wait on Him.

Today, I went on a run. It was 40 degrees and sunny on January 9^th… this is such a rarity that I sat on my porch swing when I got home for a little bit. The sun was hitting the swing perfectly and instead of being cold, which would be normal for the 2^nd week in January, I was a perfect temperature. The sun rarely shines in Indiana during January or February, which gets depressing for a sun-goddess such as myself. But as I’m walking through a dark season in my life right now, dealing with some hurt, some lies, the Lord’s silence and a lot of lasts, it seemed fitting to soak in the sun. It hit me at that moment that the Lord was reminding me that even during the dark seasons in life and during the year, we can see and experience the sun when sit in the right places at the right times. Had I sat outside much longer, the sun would have started to set behind the house in front of me and I would start to shiver, but at that moment, I got to sit and enjoy the sun’s light and warmth during a January day. It’s afternoons like today that make the winter a little more bearable; they’re like moments of hope amidst darkness of confusion and uncertainty.

Here’s to believing that God will continue to remind me how to hope during a time filled with fear, hurt, uncertainty and confusion.

Like most seniors graduating from college in May, I lay in bed as I fall asleep wondering where the time went. The past 3.5 years have flown by… not surprisingly since I attend such an amazing university and have had an exceptional college experiences. I long for freshman year when I carelessly spent hours upon hours in the afternoon and in the wee hours of the morning with friends. I miss living in the sorority house, when I felt so close to so many girls and knew I was never alone. I want to relive last spring, when so many of my best friends were seniors and were up for literally anything. Mixed with this nostalgia is fear. Fear that I wouldn’t make the most of this next semester. Fear that I’ll leave with regrets. Fears that I’ll worry too much about next year that I wouldn’t enjoy the present.

Let me just tell you, nostalgia and fear are an unbearable combination. They are numbing. I’m walking around feeling like I just want to lay in bed and press snooze on my alarm because I just can’t handle the day yet. I keep thinking that if I’m not ready, my semester just wouldn’t start. The worst part is that this numbness allows for no joy. And I feel hopeless. The future seems just so daunting that I want to surrender without even trying. It’s like in sports when you’re over-matched and you wonder why you even have to play the game, you think it might be better to surrender and maintain your dignity. And when you do decide to play, it’s with the attitude of, “let’s just get it over with.” The past two days I’ve sat in this feeling. Except, I don’t even know what it looks like to surrender with my dignity in tact in this situation… which is probably a good thing, or else I would do it in a heartbeat. I’ve been willing to settle for surviving instead of believing I can and will thrive.

The next 16 weeks bring a lot of lasts into my life. Tomorrow kicks off my last sorority recruitment and then my last bid week. Monday starts my last semester at Indiana University as an undergrad and my last semester of college for the foreseeable future. Mixed with these lasts is uncertainty. Where will I be in 17 weeks? What will I be doing? Will I find a job? Amidst this whirlwind of emotions, I have several choices, which have several clear consequences. Reality is, I have no idea what the future brings, and much to my dismay, I have very little control over it, but I do have control over my attitude. If I continue to settle for surviving, I wouldn’t enjoy these next 16 weeks, nor will I be excited about what comes after. So I’m praying for a grateful heart for all the wonderful experiences I’ve had in college, the ability to trust God in the next season of my life and to be fully present for the next 16 weeks that I have left of college, no regrets, just happy memories. When I’m walking with God and focusing on Him, I believe I will thrive, not simply survive my last 16 weeks of college.