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She is twenty-seven months younger than me and stands two inches taller. In addition to being a constant playmate growing up, she was also the first person I compared myself to. She is my smart, sensitive and stylish sister. Having a younger sister means I always had a companion in creating Barbie dream worlds, but I also always had a competitor. Our grades, interest, friends, clothing and behaviors were compared to one another. Sometimes I did not know who I was without her.

As she graduates from a Christian college, and heads onto a prestigious graduate school, I continue working two jobs and my state college diploma gathers dust. I cannot help but wonder if I took a wrong turn somewhere. Instead of joining my sorority and spending Tuesdays at Kilroys, should I have been studying at the library? Am I leaving untapped potential by foregoing graduate school at this point? I evaluate my life in light of hers.

In the midst of comparison, I can lose my focus. It is never about me, or my sister, to begin with. It is about Jesus, and the perfect story He has for each of our lives. We see this same dilemma play out in Peter’s life.

“Peter turned and saw that the disciple who Jesus loved was following them… ‘Lord, what about him?’” (John 20:20-21 paraphrased)

Peter wants Jesus to tell him that the call on his life is more significant than the call on John’s life. Because Peter is human. He tries to evaluate his life, and his calling, in light of John’s. Peter believes that in order for the calling on his life to be good, it must be better than John’s. Jesus gently corrects Peter with words that my heart longs to hear.

“If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me” (v.22). These words follow Jesus’ command to Peter, “Take care of my sheep,” (v.16).

Jesus affirms Peter’s calling without comparing it to John’s because it is not a competition. The Kingdom needs Peter and John to live out their callings, to their full abilities, alongside each other. That is when God receives the glory He so rightfully deserves – when we each, live the stories that He is writing for us, without comparing it to someone else’s.

My sister will make a terrific college Theology professor. I have talented friends working with autistic children and their families, ministering to college students across the globe, serving people when they are the most vulnerable and in the hospital, attending graduate school to learn more about enhancing the gifts that God has given them, and investing in the future generations through teaching. I have wonderful friends doing work for the Kingdom of God everyday, but their callings do not take away from my own. There is no scarcity in the Kingdom of God.

My sister and friends are brave, bold and beautiful, but the best part is that I get to walk alongside them, not race them to finish line. In the Kingdom of God, there is room enough for all of us to pursue our callings.

Currently, Jesus calls me to love prospective adoptive families well. I spend hours on the phone each week listening to their hearts for international adoption and educating them on the process. I answer the same questions over and over, trying not to lose sight of world’s most vulnerable children and the families who hope to adopt them. In addition to my job at MLJ Adoptions, I work at J.Crew. I am a firm believer that a great outfit can do wonders for a person’s confidence. I desire to make friends at work, with my co-workers and with our customers. My calling is no less and no better than anyone else’s. It is a worthy calling to strive to walk in obedience to the work the Lord has started all around me.

There are days when all I want to do is dig deep into a passage of scripture with a college student, share about the freedom we have in Christ, or encourage a Greek woman that the fight for faith in her chapter is worth it, but right now, that is not the flock God has called me to tend. Perhaps someday, but today I will, the best I can, walk in obedience to the words that Jesus tells Peter, “Feed my sheep” (John 20: 17).

I spent this past weekend in Houston, Texas with two of my college roommates/sorority sisters. These two girls are probably the silliest and happiest people I know! They’re high energy, vivacious and Jesus loving. When the three of us are together, there’s rarely a dull or silent moment. I loved reconnecting with them and having SO much fun laughing about the most random things!

1) There are few things I like more than hanging out on a college campus. The energy is like none other. We spent time in Rice Village, shopping at the boutiques and checking out coffee shops. Loved it!

2) I firmly believe there is no such thing as too much Mexican food. This weekend I ate something Mexican or Tex Mex for almost every meal because it’s what you do when you’re in Texas! My favorite? Breakfast tacos. Pork carnitas tacos were a close second.

3) Spring time in Texas is WARM. Houston is humid, but they also have palm trees. Who knew? This was our view as we sat out by the pool (not in swim suits) for a little bit. As a summer girl, my heart was happy feeling hot sun on my legs.

4) The best kind of friendships grow as you grow. It is always so encouraging to reconnect with my friends from college. (In case you don’t know: college produced almost all of my best friends.) We still laugh about the same memories re-telling stories that we have already told a hundred times, but make new ones. I almost dropped out of recruitment several times and then almost didn’t go through the Phi period, thinking my life would be simpler without being in a sorority. It may have been simpler, but man, it would have lacked so much depth and my college experience would have been so different. I love that my friendship with Kaitlin and Kelsey has allowed me to grow, with constant encouragement along the way.

I told a friend last week that I thought this weekend would be the calm before the storm. This spring is quickly becoming a very exciting, but action packed season. The slowness of this winter has been so good for me – resting and healing – so I’m apprehensive for that to change. But, with the change comes some really great stuff – a reunion with two of my best sorority friends and former roommates, Final Four in Indianapolis, more hours at J.Crew (read: getting that student loan paid off) and running, lots and lots of running. Today I’ll over the place, feeling lots of love and some frustration, but choosing to focus on the love.

1. After great conversations with some best friends this weekend and today, I’m convinced that not all words are created equal. Three of the best phrases you can hear from people who love you: 1) Keep what doing what you’re doing; it matters 2) Thank you for caring 3) I’m proud of you.

2. Homemade macaroni and cheese is even better than Kraft. All you need is macaroni noodles, some butter, some milk and cheddar cheese. Put it all in a bowl, nuke it for a little over a minute, stir and serve. Let’s go!

3. I’m a big fan of mom-bloggers. Big fan. I call them my mom-blogger-friends. They’re not actually my friends, I know that, but the internet is weird and I sometimes feel strangely invested in their lives. So, when one of them invites her fans (“her people”) to apply to join the launch team for her new book, someone, like me, would say, “Why not apply? We’re basically friends.” And then someone, like me, ends up on a launch team for a book. What? Yes. In August, Jen Hatmaker’s latest book, For The Love will officially come out. Right now, I’m getting to read through it. It’s good. Really good. Like will probably end up on the shelf of my bookcase that is designated for favorite books. #forthelove

4. It’s March Madness. The Hoosiers are doing the dance. The Hoosier state has 5 teams in the tournament. It’s a good week to live in the state of Indiana. Plus, temperatures hit the 70’s with plenty of sun. Lots of good things happening here.

5. Starbucks Caramel Iced Coffee hits the spot on sunny days like today. I loved getting to walk to Starbucks with my Starbucks buddy. We trudged through so much snow this winter that we could not wait for the sun to come out so that we could walk and enjoy Mass Ave. On the days when the phone does not stop ringing, I love having a co-worker/friend who will walk with me and remind me that what we do matters.

I hope that in the midst of whatever you’re experiencing, you’re able to find five thing that you’re loving. Picture them, focus on them, and choose the love over the frustration.

Also, I’d love for you to check out Ministry from a Millennial — a collaborative community that I’m a part of. We are looking to become a safe place for twenty-somethings to share ideas about the callings that God has put on our lives.

Rarely do I end the weekend excited for Monday morning. This is not because I dread my job, I love my job, but the 9-5 schedule can be taxing. Add in a couple evenings of retail work and the rest a weekend can provide sometimes doesn’t quite feel like enough. I usually start the week wishing for more sleep, more rest and more quiet. But Sunday was full of rest and quiet, preparing me for another week.

1. Jojo Moyes’ Me Before You captivated my attention this weekend. I took a break from the other book I’m reading (a younger version of myself would judge me) to read it. For a quick, weighty, forces you to think, read, I highly recommend it! My poor roommate listened to me gasp all afternoon when and say, “I just can’t even.”

2. This weekend was full of quality time. Time with my parents, my brother, my co-workers and my roommate. Since quality time is my love language, my heart is so happy because of good time with the people I love. I enjoyed laying around the apartment doing absolutely nothing with my roommate today, online window shopping and talking about life. I’ve been so blessed to live with such great women, but with different schedules we don’t always get to spend a lot of time together.

3. On a whim I started following Lauren Conrad on Instagram. I highly recommend it, if you’re looking to follow a celebrity who is girly and fun!

4. One of my favorite authors/bloggers is Emily Freeman. She speaks my soul language. Last week she wrote a very freeing blog about work. I can struggle to want to work some days, and then feel guilty because the work I do is so worthy. I am thankful to do my job, and yet some days I just don’t want to do it. Or days I feel like I’ve put my whole heart into it and the outcome isn’t what I want. She wrote, “Work we love is still hard work.” Yes. And hard work is worthy, kingdom work. It’s worth the fight.

5. On Thursday night at small group we studied Hebrews 11. (I’m teaching on Hebrews 12 this Thursday, so if you think about it, say some prayers for me.) It’s the Hall of Faith and full of stories of how God is faithful to His children when they obey and walk in faith. I’ve cherished the time I’ve spent reflecting back on all that God has done in my life. When we step out in faith, God responds; He does not leave or forsake His children.

Have a great week!

I have an empty shelf on my bookcase again. I’m preparing myself for a day when I’ll have a room dedicated completely to books, so book space is a premium in my bedroom. I actually cleared away some clothes to make space to empty said bookshelf, which considering my commitment to clothing usually surpasses my commitment to books, is a huge feat.

Why do I have an empty shelf on my bookcase as I start 2015?

Because I am reading my way through the year. Each time I finishing reading a book, this year, I’ll add it to the empty shelf, and hopefully, by the time December rolls around, the shelf will not be empty anymore. In 2014, I gave myself the same goal and I read 34 books in 365 days. Reading a variety of books and constantly having a book to read challenged my thinking.

I strongly encourage everyone to set a goal at the beginning of the year that is attainable, but requires consistent commitment throughout the next 12 months. It’s a great way to grow in discipline, develop a new skill or fall back in love with a hobby. For me it was reading in 2014 and enjoyed it, so I’m going to do it again in 2015.

The empty shelf stands as a challenge to me, and encourages me to follow through on a commitment, even when my desire to watch yet another episode of Gilmore Girls on Netflix seems more appealing than curling up with a book.

Each day can pass by so quickly as I rush to work, from work, to eat and to bed. There is not always a desire to look past the momentary desire for mindless entertainment or the quick and easy way to pass the time and to be intentional with what I focus my mind on. I believe that reading is a worthwhile way to spend my time, so my empty shelf reminds me, daily, that I have the opportunity to build into something. There is space for growth, even in the small, mundane moments when I want to check out.

So I’ve cleared my shelf again this year. Reading is not the only goal I have this year. I want to commit to writing at least twice a week, I want to go to India, I want to pay off my debt, I want to explore what it could look like to do some freelance writing, I want to run another half-marathon, I want to gain better control of my finances, and I want to buy fewer clothes. All of these goals require me creating space, metaphoric shelves, on a daily basis to pursue them, and a reminder of the commitment I’ve made, even once new years resolutions have been forgotten.

What goals do you have for 2015, and how are you creating space for them this year?

 

I’ll be posting a list of the books I read in 2014 that I recommend for others over the weekend.

Over the weekend, my roommate attempted to spray paint our kitchen table chairs. We carried four solid wood chairs down a flight of stairs and set them on a piece of cardboard in the grass outside of our apartment. We proceeded to spray paint them red. It was a DIY nightmare. The spray paint ran and did not cover the chairs evenly. The red was too bright and did not dry well.

Read the rest over at InCourage.

My whole life I have lived as a white middle-class white female. It has been my reality for over 23 years. It is how the world views me, and it’s more than skin deep. It has shaped how I view the world, cultures, employment, and others. More than living as a white middle-class white female, I am the only one who has ever lived my life. There never has been and never will be another Caitlin Snyder who has lived the same life as me. The life I’ve lived has influenced and continues to influence my perspective and my decisions. Harper Lee, in her book, To Kill a Mockingbird, speaks of this concept. Atticus Finch says to his daughter Scout, “You never really understand a person until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.” Yes. Thank you Atticus Finch, you may be a fictional character, but that statement packs a punch to the gut. This is commentary on race, but it’s more than that, it’s a comment on our own experiences; they are that – our own experiences. I once told my high school English teacher that I wanted to sit down and ask a person of each race questions about how they viewed their race, discrimination and their experience. She kindly reminded me that even if that was possible, we could not generalize one person of the race’s experience to every one. Experiences differ not just based on race, but on the person’s own view points, identity, upbringing, education, and the infinitely other factors that influence us.

My family sat around on Wednesday night and talked about the Michael Brown case. My mind has not been able to stop thinking about it. I do not know what it is like to be a cop, nor do I know what is like to be a young adult black male. More specifically, I haven’t had the opportunity to walk about Michael Brown’s skin, nor Darren Wilson’s skin. I’m deeply troubled. My heart breaks for the community of Ferguson, for the Wilson and Brown families. My heart breaks for the losses that families experience everyday, due to race, class and gender violence, and communities that are plagued with injustice. Truly, my heart breaks.

But today we celebrate the beginning of advent. The season when Christians look back and reflect on God coming to the earth as a tiny baby who would save us from our sins. This is the season that celebrates “the word [becoming] flesh and [making] his dwelling among us” (John 1). Jesus left a perfect throne and put on human skin, entering into our experience. Our messy, imperfect, fallen experience. He injected hope, via Himself, into our human experience.

He didn’t fix the experience by giving us more money, providing political stability or curing cancer, but what he gave us was so much more. Peace, hope, grace, joy, and the ability to look towards a perfect end. A heavenly end, without heartbreak, hurt or pain. Weeks like these I long for that end, when the suffering is no more. I cry out to the Lord asking Him to come back and restore things to the way they should be, not the way they are.

I wait in eager expectation for my Savior to save me once and for all. And so during Advent, I will choose to focus on Christ. My peace. My hope. My rescuer. Over two thousand years ago, He was born as a baby in a manger, he lived as a man; he died a brutal death on the cross and rose again. He will come again, to save us once and for all, from the death, destruction, pain, suffering and sin. Until then, I remember the limitations of my own experience, I pray for justice, I seek the Lord for guidance and understanding, and I look forward in anticipation of the coming of Christ.

I spent the weekend at my parents’ house, hanging out with my 13-year old brother while they are enjoying Las Vegas. There is not a lot for Jake and I to enjoy together since we are about as different as they come, in season of life, age, gender, interests, etc. So I binged watched crappy television. In 24 hours, I watched four episodes of Grey’s Anatomy and four episodes of Scandal. That’s almost 8 hours of television. I had a lot to catch up on. I was able to sit still and just watch television, either as a consequence of my addictive personality or pure exhaustion. As I cuddled with a warm blanket and a cup of coffee on the couch and watched the latest episodes of Grey’s Anatomy, I was reminded of our world’s view of love. Each episode had examples of unfaithfulness, manipulation, terrible communication, anger, jealously and utter selfishness. After watching four episodes, I had two conclusions to draw 1) Meredith wears a lot of J.Crew and 2) The relationships on this show, specifically Meredith and Derek are a prime example of how not to be in a relationship.

I crawled off the couch and up to my bedroom (which is an ice box, I’m glad I don’t have to spend another winter living in it), situated myself under the two big blankets and opened up Beth Moore’s Living Beyond Yourself study on the fruit of the Spirit. This week I’ve been learning about love, specifically agape.

 

Agape is patient, kind, and hopeful; it perseveres, trusts, protects and never fails. Agape is not proud or self-seeking; it does not envy, boast or delight in evil. Agape is the way God loves His people (1 Corinthians 13).

Agape is how we are capable of loving each other when we are filled with the Holy Spirit. I guess I should not be surprised that the way love is depicted on television is so contrary to love of God, these characters are not saved, or even real for that matter, but oh how it still burdens my heart. We are chosen by God; He has loved us with an everlasting love, and how do we know that? Jesus. As the prime example of agape, God sent Jesus to save those who would call on His name and proclaim faith in Him, and die for the sins of the world. That level of love is not self-seeking.

My heart longs for this agape love. Love that calls me to come as I am. Love that would run a long distance to meet me. Love that casts out fear and never fails. And yet, I settle for trashy television love. Love that I can manipulate to meet my needs. Love that competes and boasts. These two types of love cannot co-exist. Week two of the Beth Moore study reminded me that Spirit and flesh are in conflict with one another, meaning in ability to exist together.

God loves me already, fully. When I walk in the power of the Holy Spirit, allowing God to live through me, I am capable of loving others the way that God loves them, and not like the way of the world. God longs for me to experience more than the hot and cold love that we see on television each day. He longs to remind me that he knows me and loves me just the same. He loves me with a love that does, never stops, and never fails, I just have to step into and accept it, saying no to the false substitutes that this world will use to entice me.

I’m ten days into this 31 days of writing challenge. I don’t have much to say today, this extrovert is worn out, which takes a lot, but I have been reflecting on what I’m learning through writing each day.

I’m learning about discipline. I am very good at starting things, but I haven’t quite learned how to finish them. I tend to start strong and then my commitment wears down. This challenge is really helping me follow through on the commitment, and believe that I can follow through. I believe that God honors showing up, even when I don’t feel like, even when the quality isn’t what I’m capable of. There have been days when I’ve written my heart out, and days where I’m just thankful that I’m long winded and can easily string words together, even if my heart isn’t there.

I’m learning to breathe deeper and walk a little bit slower. In college, I had a hard time walking to class with friends. I’m a people weaver and my temper flares when people are not moving quickly enough for my liking. As I’ve been reflecting on grace this month, I’ve been trying to slow down and open my eyes to what’s going on around me. The constant rush mode that I live in is not sustainable or healthy.

The pressure to write each day has forced me into more constant communication with God. I’m reminded that He is the Creator and I must remain in Him to draw my strength and voice. I’m not creating for my own sake, but to bring glory to Him. While in more constant communication with Him, my eyes are opened to what He is doing around me, instead of plowing through and seeing people and things as items on my to-do list.

In the past ten days, I have been able look at areas of my life where I’m desperate for more grace. There are deep places in my heart desperate for God’s grace to heal and redeem me. I’m praying that in the next 21 days, I can continue to be brave and bold, seeking after what God would want me to learn about His grace.

Dear Cheesecake Factory Cheesecake,

Don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m breaking up with you. It’s not so much of a break-up as it is a break. For the next 40 days I will not being enjoying eating you, or any sweets for that matter. You heard me, I will not be eating sweets for the next 40 days. Before you roll your chocolate swirls, otherwise known as eyes, at me, and the countless others who seek to give up sweets during these same 40 days, let me tell you why we’re going on a break.

This has absolutely nothing to do with you. I’m not usually anti-junk food, or eating out or processed food; that hasn’t changed. I’m starting out on this journey to lose weight or even eat healthier food. While I don’t enjoy how many calories you contain, I know it’s reality and I’m not going to change that. It really has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with me.

As someone who is sensitive, I compensate for my emotions and feelings, good and bad, with food, usually sweet food. After a good workout, I feel entitled to eat a candy bar. After a rough week at work, I feel as though I deserve a donut. And after an exciting event, I want to celebrate with break-and-bake cookies. When it’s a very difficult season, and no food sounds good, I ensure I’m getting enough calories by only eating sweets.

Comfort and satisfaction are never going to be things you can provide. Temporary happiness from a full stomach can only last so long. When it’s over, I just find myself at my next binge or coping mechanism. When I get done eating you, I simply move on to something else – a glass of wine, a nap, or a Netflix marathon. You deserve better than that. I deserve better than that. I have a love-hate relationship with you, and this is how we set each other free. I want to learn to enjoy you, which requires that you only be eaten when my heart is in the right place, not only when I’m extremely happy or deeply sad. I didn’t intend for things to end this way, I’ve judged women who give up sweets during lent for years. However, I want to teach my heart, my body and my brain healthy habits, and this is how I do it.

Farewell Cheesecake Factory Cheesecake, remember, this has nothing to do with you, or a diet. I pray that the next 40 days are sanctifying for me and not too painful for you. I hope that instead of turning to sweet food for comfort, I would pray, recite scripture or step outside for some fresh air. I desperately want to break free of a decade long emotional roller coaster relationship with food. I’m out to change not so much what I eat or how much I eat, but the why behind what, when and how much I eat. I desire to treat my mind, body and soul better, and it starts here.

Thanks for your understanding,

Caitlin