Freedom in my Brokenness

“Large coke, light ice in a styrofoam cup, please.” The words were out of my mouth before I even had time to think. Once I heard the words come out, I quickly remembered that I have not had a large coke in 11 weeks, from McDonalds or anywhere else for that matter. I had not had any soda for that long. Eleven weeks ago, I quit coke cold turkey in an effort to be healthier. I don’t even miss it, but today, as I pulled up the McDonalds drive thru, the words just came out of my mouth as second nature.
Second nature is a scary thing in my relationship with God, because my second nature is my flesh – my natural response. I am critical of myself and others. I rush around. I start believing that what I do is more important than who I am. I compete. I manipulate. All of this without realizing I’m doing it.
Gods perfection has made me aware of just how easily fall back into these habits of sin and unhealthiness. Compared to his standard, I fall short each day.
God’s grace leads me to a better way, a fuller life. He calls me as I am into relationship with him. He calls me to freedom to be me. And yet how quickly I turn right back into my second nature habits. As I’ve written this month I’ve realized how little I leave space for grace in my life. I plan it in in snipets, but do not truly allow God to move throughout my day. My second nature wins out most of the time. I want to live more fully in the moment, awake to what God has for me. And that requires kicking habits and creating good, healthy habits long term, even when my second nature habit is to order a large coke light ice.

“Caitlin, if you just slow down and then check your work before you finish, you would avoid almost all these mistakes,” my dad would say throughout middle school when we would review the mistakes on my math quizzes. I was naturally smart enough at math, but I did not do myself any favors when I would rush through to be done on homework, quizzes and tests. Always rushing to be done.

Ten years later and I still have not stopped rushing. Rushing through workouts, rushing through books, rushing through time with the Lord. It’s nothing short of a miracle that I have not gotten a speeding ticket (she says as she knocks on wood). There’s always one more thing I have to get to, or something I’m trying to cram in. The result is reflective of my middle school math quizzes – avoidable errors on not quite my best work. Lackluster performances in relationships, some days at work and in my ability to keep my living space clean.

When I slow down, I am able to give myself fully to the task in front of me, not calculating how quickly I can complete it and move onto the next thing. When I slow down, time with friends becomes more about them and less about checking something off my to-do list. When I slow down, I enjoy my work instead of viewing it as a means to an end. It takes grace for me to slow down. In slowing down, I admit that I am not above time, and that I am not in control. My humanity is demonstrated as items on my to-do list are left without being checked off. I have to trust God in order to slow myself down. I must relinquish control with every passing breath.

As my flesh shouts out, “Do more, just one more thing,” my spirit must learn to whisper back, “You do enough, you have enough, you are enough.” Shifting the priority from more to enough, from rushed to intentional. I cannot sprint a marathon, my pace needs to be slow and steady, one mile at a time, one task at a time, one day at a time.

When I seek God throughout the day, letting Him direct my priorities, the time I have becomes enough and I no longer yearn for just one more minute. Only a heart that is starting to let the truth of grace sink a little bit deeper can remain calm while running late and driving behind a car going under the speed limit. He gives greater grace.

Lord God, I want to slow down so that I can see you more clearly in the mundane moments of my life instead of whizzing past them onto more significant moment. You do not call me to sprint from one significant moment to another, but to walk with You, at your pace. May the pace at which I move reflect my belief in a God who holds it all together, not a woman grasping for control with every single breath. A frantic heart is not a heart full of grace. Build in me a heart of grace and a soul that trusts you enough to slow down. Amen.

“Grace, it means ‘favor,’ from the Latin gratia. It connotes a free readiness. A free and ready favor. That’s grace. It is one thing to choose to take the grace offered at the cross. But to choose to live as one filling with His grace? Choosing to fill with all that He freely gives and full live — with glory and grace and God?” (One Thousand Gifts, 18)

Ann Voskamp speaks of the relationship between giving thanks, grace and joy. She does so in a way that I long to be able to do. Her words about grace midst an ordinary life are why I started this #write31days. Her challenge to live a fuller life where what we have is enough, is speaking to me on a soul-level.

True life, I’m the girl who wants to quit as things start to get hard. I’m not kidding. If it’s getting difficult and I don’t see a great solution as to how to improve the situation, I want out. I daydream about getting out. My senior year of college, in September, I asked the Lord if I could be done with one of my leadership positions. I was 9 months into a 12-month role. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve heard something from the Lord, but standing in worship on this Thursday evening, I heard God say, “Caitlin, if you think this is the hardest thing you’re ever going to do, you’re sorely mistaken. Stay faithful.” In other words, “I know this is difficult, but believe me, it’s preparing you for harder things in the future. Stay in it and stay faithful.” I wanted permission to quit. To walk away with my dignity intact, being able to say that I did my best, but that wasn’t quite worth it, and God’s response, was, “Stay faithful.” I wish I could tell you the next 3 months were a breeze, but I can’t. In fact, some parts of it got worse. But, God used that experience to bring reconciliation. I look back on at experience and think not of the bad, but of everything good that came out of it, and it is worth it.

I had a similar experience this fall. Things were tough. A great friend told me to honor a commitment I made to the Lord, and some days, I did not know why I was even doing that. There were tears. There were phone call vent sessions. There was fear, insecurity and yuck coming out of my heart during the month of August. It was dark. And yet, in the midst of all of it, I remembered the Lord’s previous words to me, “I know this is difficult, but believe me, it’s preparing you for harder things in the further. Stay in it and stay faithful.” God is faithful, I must be faithful. Today was one of the best days I’ve had in my 13 months of living in Indianapolis, and to think it was great because of something I almost walked away from. Stubbornness, entitlement, frustration and exhaustion are the worst combination. They are the enemy of faithful endurance. They work against the perseverance God desires to cultivate in me and in you.

There are times when the Lord calls us away from beautiful things, and times when He calls us away from bad things. The hardest are when He calls us to stick it out, to finish it out, even when every part of our flesh is screaming to walk away, with our dignity still intact. If it’s ever a battle between my dignity and God’s glory, the likelihood is that God wants to remind me that humility is valued in His kingdom, not high accomplishments. He is the God who endured torture and humiliation to declare that love wins.

I do not deserve to see the fruit of sticking with something that I wanted to walk away from. Instead, because of God’s grace, He allows me to see the benefit because He strengthened me enough to get through it. Staying faithful always proves worth it because He has called me is faithful. God is faithful, I must be faithful.

Unlike some of my friends, I didn’t spend my four years of college planning for the job I wanted once I graduated. I was focused on everything but graduating. Looking back, I think it had something to do with not wanting to graduate. Come senior year spring and suddenly I did not know what I wanted to do or where I wanted to go. Every one kept telling me that there were endless opportunities and yet I could not even decide what to pursue. Many tears were cried in the month leading up to graduation and the month after. I cried an entire drive home from Indianapolis to Cincinnati one Wednesday afternoon as I returned from a job interview feeling hopeless and confused, unsure where I was headed. Perhaps it would have served me better to plan better for the future throughout college, including picking a more practical major. I did love my sociology major though, and most importantly, it was an easy enough major that I was able to spend a majority of time doing everything besides schoolwork.

By crazy twists and turns, I ended up in Indianapolis working at a really cool job and living with two awesome roommates four months after graduating from IU. Indianapolis was partially one of the first grown up decisions I made, but it was also an opportunity I just stumbled into. Once God said, “go,” I took a huge step of faith, accepted a job offer, packed up my CR-V and moved. Today, as I drove down Fall Creek Drive and headed into work, the leaves were a pretty fall color and I thought about how thankful I am that I ended up here. In Indianapolis.

When I think about God’s grace and how He reveals it to me, my life in Indianapolis is Exhibit A. I did not do anything to deserve the church, my jobs and the community I have here, and yet God has gifted them to me. All I can do is offer them back at His feet, acknowledging that they are all a gift.

God has shown up again and again in this sweet city I call home. As I’ve learned my way around the North side, ran a half-marathon, experienced Indy 500 weekend, found some favorite restaurants, planned happy hours, tried out a couple churches and found one church home, I continue to praise God for the life I am able to build here because of His grace.

Instead of dwelling and wondering what would have happened if I had picked a different major or walked through open doors instead of redirecting when doors shut, I can be confident of God’s goodness in leading me to Indianapolis – for His glory! His grace does not and will not mislead us.

“And he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out to him and find him, though he is not far from each of us.” -Acts 17:26-27