Freedom in my Brokenness

If you’ve been reading along since October 1^st, you’re probably learning way more about me than you ever intended. One thing you’ve hopefully learned is that grace – making space for it, practicing it, or extending it to myself and others – does not come naturally for me. Last Sunday, during a sermon on divorce, my pastor spoke a powerful truth that has been moving from my head to my heart.

I will never have to forgive more or extend more grace than what has already been done for me.

He could have made that one statement and sat down. When I think about maturing, growing in my faith and growing up in general, starting to understand my own brokenness and the depth of forgiveness I have in Christ is crucial. Reading through the Gospel accounts of Jesus, I am continually struck by how people responded to Him. They were amazed, they left behind old lives, they repented of their sins; said simply, one encounter with Jesus radically changed their lives. This is because one moment in the presence of a perfect man led them to a greater understanding of their utter depravity, but experiencing unconditional love from Him caused them to view the world in a different way.

I wish I could have the opportunity to interact directly with Jesus, but for now, I have the Holy Spirit living inside of me, molding me into a woman more like Himself. It is the Holy Spirit, God inside of me that urges me towards grace and forgiveness even when my flesh wants to hold a grudge. The Spirit reminds me that I’m freely given grace therefore I can forgive myself. Knowing just how much I’ve been forgiven from moves me to extend grace faster to others. I can forgive because I’ve been forgiven. I’m no better than anyone else. I’m above no sin.

I am freely given grace. I can move from keeping score to freely extending grace towards others. In Christ, the playing field is even. Jesus has paid the price for my sin. I am completely forgiven. Just like the early Christians, my encounters with Jesus and His grace can move me to a radically different life, one driven by moving towards others and giving abundant grace because of the forgiveness I’ve already received.

“In this great day when most women wave banners of authenticity about our pasts, we crouch back from honesty about our presents. We’ll tell you all about our broken places of yesterday, but don’t dare admit the limitations of our today.” (Lysa TerKeurst, The Best Yes)

My senior year of college, I was in a relationship. It was good relationship that brought out really good parts of me, but it also exposed some scary parts of my heart. During that season, I was very open about past sin in my life – eating issues, control issues, pride issues, boundary issues, but if you would have sat across from me with coffee mugs between us, I wouldn’t have dared tell you about the insecurities in my heart. I would have asked you about your life, listened, nodded, and prayed to close us out. I would have told you how excited I was about what I felt God had in store for the next season with a confident smile. I may have begun to share about how I felt pressure to figure everything out, but that I was confident in where God was leading. I would have been lying through my teeth.

I can only recall one or two conversations during that season where I was actually honest about my fears and insecurities. It was easier to talk about places where I had already been freed by God than to admit that I was struggling. I was struggling to believe that outside of the relationships, God was moving in my life. I was struggling to see just how much God loved and cared about me, even outside of all the things I was doing for Him; He was delighted in me, and I could not see it.

In some ways, I have not quite learned my lesson. I let myself direct my day and then ask for grace on top of what top of what has already been done. Instead, another option exists – let grace and love guide my day. In the second option, I relinquish control up front instead of admitting that I was never in control to begin with. There is ample amount of grace for yesterday and today, but yet I believe the lie that if I try hard enough, I wouldn’t need grace for today. Like the season two years ago, I knew there was grace for things in my past, but I did not want to believe that I needed grace for the present. I was doing okay; I had it all under control.

When I am not open with my closest friends about my here and now, I deprive God of the opportunity to immediately grant me grace. Even if I haven’t finished walking through it, I can share about what I’m going through, knowing that to struggle is a human thing. Perhaps my openness about my here and now, whatever that looks like, will empower other women to be open as well.

Throughout my four years of college, I took out student loans to pay for school. It made me a little bit uncomfortable to not pay for it myself, but nowadays, it’s the norm for students to borrow money to pay for college. It wasn’t a significant amount of money, which is funny that I feel like I need to qualify that.

In the past year, I’ve worked a second job to pay off the debt faster. The fact that I owe someone money makes me very uncomfortable. I long to be debt free. I am indebted to the people who loaned me the money. I’m even more bothered by the government’s loan forgiveness plan that President Obama announced earlier this year. It upsets me that people’s debt will just be forgiven; gone away.

Putting aside the fact that loan debt does not just go away, ask me, I was an economic major for a hot second (one of four majors during my college career), this anger towards debt forgiveness says something about my views of grace. I don’t think that I should be left off the hook, nor do I think that others should be left off the hook. It just seems too easy. Too simple. I actually want to work hard to pay it back. I want to prove that I am responsible, that I could be trusted, that I was enough. The only thing that separates me from the self-righteous Pharisees is that I’ve realized that I can’t work myself to righteousness. The good that I’ve done will never outweigh my sin.

My sin created a debt that I cannot repay on my own. I cannot work overtime to make up for it. I cannot add on good works and extra church attendance. Thankfully, God made a provision for my sin. He created a way for my debt to be paid off. Jesus. He lived the perfect, sinless life that I was unable to live myself. He paid off my debt. No debt repayment plan, no loan forgiveness, it’s just gone. It’s gone for me and it’s gone for you, if you’ve repented and given your life to Christ.

Giving my life to Christ rocked my world because grace makes me uncomfortable; it works in contrast to my moralistic heart that longs to keep score. But, it has also freed me to know that I can’t get there on my own. There was a debt that I could not pay and Christ stepped in to foot the bill. The only thing He asks in return is a relationship with me. Through a relationship with Him, I’m learning how much easier I’m willing to extend grace to others. I don’t want to keep score as much, nor am I concerned with the debt of others. Come let us rejoice together for we can live debt free!

In the middle of a 65 hour work week, I had the afternoon off. My body, brain and heart had time to recharge. I’m thankful for time to pause. I’m pausing today to reflect on this song, because in the midst of 31 days, I want to listen to other people’s words, not just write for writing’s sake. It’s because of God’s wonderful, marvelous love that grace exists.

I re-fell in love with running my senior year of college. I had a set 4 mile route that I would run a couple days a week. It had some hills, ran right alongside of campus and I sometimes saw people I knew as let my feet hit the sidewalk at my own pace. The running I did that year kept me sane as I served as Vice President of Phi Mu, Student Director of Cru Team, discipled five girls, started a relationship, job searched and fought to maintain friendships. I did my best thinking as dreaming down Henderson, up 3^rd Street, over on High Street, down Hillside and back over on Henderson to the Dollhouse on East University. I would finish my run, sit on the porch swing and drink some water as I cooled down. It was quite the routine.

On Saturday in September, while in Bloomington for the weekend, I parked my car at Bryan Park and ran the same route. I fought back tears as I praised God for the time I spent in the very special, hippie college town 60 miles south of Indianapolis, known as Bloomington, Indiana. God was undoubtedly present during my four years of college as I roamed campus.

It was in Bloomington that I began a relationship with Jesus.

It was in Bloomington that I had four different majors and graduated not knowing what I actually wanted to do.

It was in Bloomington that I lived with 100 girls under one roof.

It was in Bloomington that I first tried to do ministry and fell flat on my face.

It was in Bloomington that I unsuccessfully tried to convince 5 boys to consider me a roommate.

It was in Bloomington that my accountability group met in a bar and we talked about the highs and lows of our lives while making friends with our bartender.

It was in Bloomington that I started to learn the art of throwing a great party.

It was in Bloomington that developed an eating disorder and saw the Lord gracefully free me from the control issues that led to it.

It was in Bloomington that I experienced a little bit of love and a little bit of heartache.

It was in Bloomington that I developed an unhealthy addiction to polar pops, party tanks and monograms.

Bloomington saw the good, the bad and the ugly of Caitlin Snyder.

I drove down to Bloomington on the heels of six hard weeks. My life had been stuck in autopilot and in order to take control again, I found myself doubting and dreaming, often times simultaneously, but always to the point of exhaustion. As I inhaled and exhaled the crisp fall air along the route I have run close to fifty times, it started to sink in that even though I live in a different city, I serve the same God. I serve a God whose goodness cannot even be described. He loves me, even as I have left Bloomington and continue my life in Indianapolis.

Note: This blog post was written in September, but still fits in well as part of my October challenge to write 31 days on grace. When I think of Bloomington, Indiana, it is a place where I have experienced God’s goodness and grace.

A roommate of mine moves out today. Sadly; tears have been shed. I’ve learned to walk again living in our small apartment and it’s a huge testament to her patience and encouragement. She has let me cry over unmet expectations again and again. She has come behind me in prayer daily. She was the brain and heart behind the girls small group and study through James this spring, which changed by life and my friendships.

Grace comes when things fall apart and better things fall together. I did not see it as it was happening, but I can look back and acknowledge just how much I needed this past year. Living with this roommate in our partial lake view apartment has demonstrated Gods faithfulness and grace towards me. It is because of Gods grace that our friendship hasbeen able to blossom and we’ve had sucha great experience. Even when days, weeks or months were rough, we were met by grace.

God’s grace strengthened and sustained us in our jobs, relationships and life this past year. Because that’s what grace does. God’s grace is made perfect in our weakness and weak we are.

As she moves on to some big transitions, I made sure to remind her that grace will continue to strengthen and guide her. For those of us raised in moralism, grace can be hardest to give to ourselves. Sometimes, an encouraging word can be just what you need to silence the inner self-critic who speaks contrary to grace. Just as God’s grace ha led us to share sweet memories over the past year, the ways we’ve been able to speak grace towards one another has been so sanctifying. It’s when we engage in true, authentic relationships that we see parts of God that had not previously been known to us.