Freedom in my Brokenness

Most years December hits and I spend most of the month feeling like I’m not quite there yet. There are Christmas gifts to buy or plans to be made or work Christmas cards to mail. Then, instead of actually focusing my energy on accomplishing the tasks, I spend mental energy feeling guilty.

For some reason this year is different.

I could say that it’s because I bought Christmas present earlier, or because I’ve been more organized, or maybe I’m more self-aware, so I built better margins into my day, but the truth is, I don’t know what’s been different.

I’m so thankful for the difference because of a weekend like this weekend. We hosted our annual holiday party – Christmas at the Bungalow – on Saturday and then Sunday was bookended with church activities. I could be all there, fully present, looking for the opportunities, because I had the energy and capacity to be engaged.

Fifty people filled our house for the party on Saturday night. This is my fourth Christmas in Indianapolis, and all three of my roommates have been here for several years, too. We love seeing our house full of new and old friends!

If you’re looking for a drink to serve at a holiday party, look no further than this Cranberry Vanilla Mimosa. It hit the spot!

Every church should do two things during the Christmas season: a photo booth in the lobby and Christmas caroling through neighborhoods. Both have made our church feel much smaller, more like a family, this year.

I consistently babysit the same family, and have been able to really get to know the kids. It’s so fun to build a relationship with them and see their unique personalities. We took our pictures in the photo booth on Sunday morning, and it was a reminder of the ways we can build friendships that span years. That’s the Body of Christ! That’s the family of God!

Later in the day, my small group joined another small group for Christmas Caroling. We went door to door in a neighborhood where members of our church live. We started the evening with snacks and yummy food before bundling up and heading out. I loved watching members of my church interact with their neighbors, and it was also such a good opportunity to spend time with one another. Truly, it was so, so fun!

I’m thankful for a memorable weekend with friends I love!

 

 

I read A LOT in the first nine months of the year. A LOT. Mostly books. My reading has slowed down this fall as life has gotten busier, but I’m still reading. Now, it’s mostly articles and some books.

I recently finished Gospel in Life by Timothy Keller, A Year of Biblical Womanhood by Rachel Held Evans and Living Into Community by Christine Pohl. I loved Pohl’s biblical commentary on important practices in community and Keller’s small group curriculum in Gospel in Life was fantastic. I was pretty indifferent to Evans’ commentary on what it looks like to live out the Bible literally for a full year.

• I could read about women in the church for forever. I’m fascianted about them on both the surface level and on a deeper level. Jen Hatmaker, who I’m a long-time fan of has recently caused some controversy. Right away Matt Walsh basically called her a heretic. But, I’m appreciated a lot of the thoughtful commentary that I’ve read from The Gospel Coalition since. However, this Christianity Today piece is my favorite that I’ve read. The Bigger Story Behind Jen Hatmaker is a fantastic look at what else is going on that led to her rise in populatity. The author clearly articulates some of my own experiences with being a woman in the church. It’s a great, great read!
• Ann Voskamp’s Invitation to Prevent Orphans is a beautiful piece. I’ve read One Thousand Gifts, read her blog and heard her speak at the Christian Alliance for Orphan’s Summit in Orlando this past year. This blog was written based on her talk about how adoption draws our eyes towards our adoption by God into His family.
• The Creative Life: Insights for INTP’s, INFP’s, ENTP’s and ENFP’s, by By Dr. A.J. Drenth was an encouraging read for this ENFP. I’ve found in my adult life, that creativity is crucial to my own thriving, but it’s harder than I would have thought.
• Are you ready for the Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life? Because I am! My whole house is ready — we started this summer with the series and were able to get the whole way through it (it helped hat two of the three of us had already seen it). If you’re trying to prepare yourself, here’s a Gilmore Guide to get yourself in the mood!
• Maybe it’s surface level and basic, but I really enjoyed this EveryGirl article about 13 Easy Things You Can Do to Reduce Stress and Lead a Less Hectic Life. A lot of the practices are habits I’ve already adopted, and guess what? They were key in changing the speed of my life.

I’ve got a couple new books in the mail: A Woman’s Place, by Katelyn Beaty; Hillbilly Elegy, by J.D. Vance, Befriend: Create Belonging in an Age of Judgment, Isolation and Fear, by Scott Sauls, and The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness: The Path to True Christian Joy, by Tim Keller. I can’t wait to dive into these very different books!

I think we can all agree that we’re ready for a new week. As much I love the weekends, I also like a fresh start on Monday morning.

It was a FULL weekend! Some of my favorite things – time with the best kids, a run in perfect weather, Friendsgiving, good conversations, great food, and amazing worship.  This week I’m continuing the celebrations that happened this weekend.

1. I LOVE traditions! This weekend we had our Second Annual Friendsgiving and it was AWESOME! I love the intentional time to be thankful with some of my favorite friends.
2. It’s finally puffer vest season! Many of my friends love fall, specifically the summer to fall change in seasons. Real life, I LOVE the fall to winter season change. The frost on the ground (I don’t enjoy it on my car), the shorter days, the smell of the air, candles burning, the excuse to drink more coffee and tea, and warmer clothes. With the need for warmer clothes comes PUFFER VESTS! I have an addiction… and it’s not secret, but it’s very real. There are weeks during November and December that I wear a puffer vest at least three days to work. No lie. They look great with sweatshirts, sweaters, long sleeved t-shirts, button ups, blouses and sometimes even dresses. Looking for a recommendation? I LOVE J.Crew and J.Crew Factory’s puffer vests; they’re nice and warm without being too bulky. 
3. Spontaneous donuts from Jack’s Donuts. It takes me way back to college and late night trips to Cresent Donut, and it was a great stop on the way back from Sunday Night’s Worship Night at Harvest’s Anderson location. After you’ve spent two hours with kids, donuts are a necessity!
4. Saturday night I babysat one of my favorite families. I babysit frequently enough that I’ve really gotten to know some family dynamics and build fun relationships with their children. Last time, we started writing a story. At first there were eye rolls, but by the end, all three kids were into it. We didn’t get a chance to finish it, so this weekend we picked right up where we left off. Spending time with kids reminds me of the importance of imagination. It can be hard to encourage your brain to think creatively, but its so importance. I firmly believe the world is changed by imaginative ideas… and it can start with blank pieces of paper and dreaming around a kitchen table.

I’m thankful for a new week that begins today! Happy Monday!

Another week starts again. It’s a BIG week with an election and my first of several Friendsgivings. It feels fitting that this week would begin with a BIG weekend for the Bungalow! Today I’m also sharing some of the articles, podcasts and ideas that I’ve been thinking about recently.

• Our roommate, Mackenzie, got engaged on Saturday night! I’ve known Mackenzie since my freshman year of college (7 years!), and we’ve lived a lot of life together. From living in the sorority house, and being involved in Cru together, to now living in our second Indy home as roommates. I’ve LOVED watching God move in her life, and her fiancee, Kendall, is a great match for her!
• Two of my best friends moved in their first home as a married couple! Saturday was a perfect morning and afternoon (despite fighting traffic from the Monumental Marathon) starting with amazing brunch. continuing with their move, and ending with Bazbaeux’s pizza with some of my favorite friends.
• Krista Tippett’s On Being interview with David Brooks and EJ Dionne entitled Sinfulness, Hopefulness and the Possibility of Politics was AMAZING! If you enjoy learning about the role religion plays in society and how that could shift in the future, then this is for you! I finished listening and immediately wanted to start over to make sure I didn’t miss anything. You can listen online or through the podcast app on the On Being podcast. Hearing Brooks and Dionne converse helped me see that religion may still have a place in the public sphere, even for millennials.
• I just mailed my third letter as part of the Letter Project, an initiative through To Love Ourselves. Twenty-something women are writing letters to girls aged 6-18 across America encouraging them and reminding them that they’re enough! I’m loving being part of this special project. The best part? You can be too!
• This election season has consistently done one thing: encouraged me to look for thoughtful commentary that avoids simplistic arguments unilaterally for or against a person or a topic. In the age of social media, 160 character tweets, clickbait titles for articles and a love for controversy, I find myself easily impressed with articles that are willing to accept complexities and avoid calling something or someone all good or all bad. Evangelicals have been all over social media in the last week and a half praising and critiquing Jen Hatmaker. I enjoyed reading Jake Meador’s piece, Our Impoverished Imaginations: The World of Jen Hatmaker because he helped frame the controversy in a bigger story. I also appreciated that Meador didn’t write Jen off as being all bad, even without affirming or agreeing with her statements.

Writing out all the thoughts about all the things make me realize just how much has been swirling through my mind this week. I hope your election week gets off to a great start!

I don’t consider myself a particularly gutsy person. I love a grand adventure, I live with my head in the clouds somedays and cautious isn’t a word I would use to describe myself. But, on the flip side, brave and risk-taker don’t feel like great descriptors either. So, as I reflect on the risks I have taken – moving to Indy, staying at my job, making new friends, traveling to new places and attempting to re-invent myself, I’ve realized, my community makes me brave.

A couple of Sundays ago at church, we commissioned a friend of mine who is moving to India to serve as a missionary. Commission is a fancy word that we use at Harvest North Indy to describe the prayer, encouragement and sending out that happens right before a member of our church steps into full-time missions. This friend traveled to India on the same trip I was on in November. The food in India was difficult for his stomach to process. He had a successful business in Indiana. His strategic mind and ease creating plans could serve the American church well. He has seen God move in mighty ways in Indianapolis by sharing the Gospel and equipping others to do so. But, he feels called to India. So he is going.

My friend, Sami, is a gifted photographer and teacher. She recently became a mom. This summer, she stepped away from her full-time teaching job to dive head first into photography while teaching two days a week at a home school co-op. Sami was an excellent public school teacher – she’s compassionate, intelligent, patient and creative – but once God said, “Trust me,” she had no choice but to say, “Okay, let’s do this!” It’s been hard to transition, but she’s thriving.

Over two years ago, two of my best friends packed their belongings, drove across the country and settled into Las Vegas, Nevada. They left two well-paying jobs to step into ministry in a city that’s defined sin for decades. They’ve served faithfully in the desert, throwing block parties on days when it was more than 110 degrees, with transient populations and living in a dark place all because God said, “Go!” They couldn’t have stayed if they tried.

My friend Suzy is a teacher. She works hard with students whose home lives are difficult. She teaches her first graders about structure and spelling words, at the same time, her smile never leaving her face. She could leave her school district, but she feels called to her students. She’s incredibly brave to keep showing up and keep trying to make a difference.

 And some friends don’t just model living a brave life, they invite us into taking a risk. I moved to Indianapolis in 2013. That move wouldn’t have been possible without my friend, Victoria. She was looking to move out of her parents house, and invited me to look at apartments with her. We started talking about it before I had a job yet, but then the job came, and before I knew it, I was moving from Ohio to Indiana, to start a job I wasn’t even quite sure I was going to like.

I could go on and on and on and on about the ways I’ve seen friends step into what God has called them to. Friends who are brave. Friends who are obedient.

A friend who has seen co-workers come and go at a job, but can’t bring herself to leave because she believes in the mission.

A friend who left a job she liked because it was time to go and try something new.

Friends who have left the workplace because they felt called into full-time missions, even when that meant significant changes in finances.

Friends who are caring for the orphan by become a Safe Family, fostering children or adopting.

Friends who work with vulnerable people groups either as a job or within their own homes– those in poverty or children with special needs – and daily fight the good fight to make their lives a little bit easier.  

Friends who have decided to become parents.

Friends who have chosen Jesus over everything else, even when it hasn’t made sense. For these friends to keep doing, even once they realized that God was leading them somewhere else, was unimaginable. They know that once God leads, we follow. Anything else is disobedience. Anything else would prevent us from stepping fully into who God has created us to be.

Having brave friends makes me brave. I can follow in their footsteps, asking questions often, seeking advice and learning from their examples. Every risk I’ve taken in my life has been because someone encouraged me to do so, sometimes not even realizing that they were doing it. This is the power of community. This is why the Church and the Body of Christ cannot just be what happens on Sunday mornings. Friendship is not just that we would have friends to bring meals when the times are tough, but that our lives would inspire the lives of those closest to us to follow even harder after Jesus.

The two month countdown is on! What am I counting down to? Christmas, of course! Now I’m not a girl who has been waiting to play Christmas music or who is eager to make Christmas cookies, but I do love gift giving and gift receiving, so as the leaves have started to change colors and the temperatures have gotten cooler, I’ve started by Christmas list.

Now, each family is different about Christmas, so it’s important to keep that in mind, and each person is different. I like to give my mom a variety of very specific ideas so she can still decide what her favorite things to give me will be, but she also knows that I want what I’ve asked for. I also tend to ask for things that I may not buy for myself, either because of cost, or because I have something like it already.

Barefoot Dreams Circle Cardigan: Have you ever wished you could wear a blanket around all day long? Well now you can! This cardigan is even more comfortable than pajamas. My roommate has one, and as soon as I saw it, I had to resist all temptation to steal hers, and just add it to my Christmas list. (My roommate has the Graphite color, and it’s beautiful; I’m asking for the Taupe color because tan is basically my favorite.)

How to Celebrate Everything: Recipes and Rituals for Birthdays, Holidays, Family Dinners and Everything In Between: If there’s one thing I love more than the other things I love, it’s CELEBRATING! Not only would this be a fun book to receive, but I can think of so many people who I’d love to give it to. Women of all ages would love this book. It addition to being functional, it would also look great as a coffee table book. (More book ideas to come in a future post.)

New Balance Sneakers: I spend my whole work week in business casual clothes, which is fun and all, but I love being more casual on the weekends. However, I’ve found that while yoga pants and running shoes are very comfortable, I don’t feel put together running errands in them. I’m in the process of trying to add some weekend staples to my wardrobe. These shoes are a perfect addition because they’re shiny, comfortable and practical!

Marled V-Neck Tunic Pullover Sweater: I was in an Old Navy store today and really like the color varieties and the texture of this sweater, but it’s a longer (not quite tunic length on me) length, which is perfect for the winter. I loved the stone/pink color, mostly because I love warm tan colors in general, but I also love the bright red colors.

Teardrop Gemstone Necklace: I’m a sucker for statement necklaces, especially those that I can wear year-round. The rich emerald green would be a great color for the holiday season, if you’re looking to treat yo’ self! I’d pair this necklace with a dress, sweater or a fun shirt.

Black Toothpick Jeans: I can’t believe I’ve gone years without black jeans. They’re a staple for this season, especially if they’re distressed. These aren’t distressed, but I LOVE J.Crew jeans.

Shimmer Plaid Softened Shirt: Most days I’m dressed in J.Crew. Four plus years for the retailer will that to a person, but this spring and summer, I fell in love with LOFT’s clothes. Their dresses, tanks and tops were staples in my closet, and I hope that will continue for years to come. I definitely like their spring and summer stuff better than fall and winter, but this button up shirt is so cute! I love that it’s soft, easy to wear and versatile. It’s a very affordable shirt, too, especially if you catch LOFT on a sale day… and here’s a secret, they run sales so frequently that you should never buy something full priced.

I’m sure more things will make their way onto my list in the coming weeks. It’s so fun to see what retailers put out each holiday season!

Summer is still hanging on in most of the United States, including Indiana. The temperatures were in the upper seventies and lower eighties with lots of sun and some humidity. Don’t worry though, I still celebrated fall, with a pumpkin beer! I highly recommend Blue Moon’s Harvest Pumpkin Ale for those who don’t love the darker, thicker beers that come along with fall and winter. It’s light, but still fall-ish.

This weekend was full of two things: babysitting and meal prepping.

At the beginning of the year, I realized that the only ways I was going to be able to afford a new Mac laptop was by creating some extra income. I was already trying to adjust to having one job instead of two, after two years at J.Crew. So, I’ve tried to say yes to babysitting jobs when they come around. I’m getting closer and closer to my laptop, and finding that I do really enjoy spending time with kids. Babysitting has also given me such a great opportunity to meet families at my church, and get to know them.

 I enjoy cooking and meal prepping. It’s so fun to figure out what meals I’m going to make, head to the grocery store, chop vegetables, and cook everything. This weekend, I made turkey burgers and turkey meatloaf. I’ll freeze the burgers and eat the meatloaf this week. One of the biggest areas of growth I’ve seen in myself in the last year has been not just looking ahead, but planning ahead. October will be a month of a lot of weekend trips/events, making it harder to grocery shop and meal prep, so having some frozen turkey burgers will prevent me from having to eat out or stress about lunches after a fun weekend.

Speaking of extra income, my roommate and I are officially addicted to Poshmark. It’s an online marketplace where people can buy and sell gently used clothes. I’ve gone through my closet and taken out what I don’t wear, and listed it online. It’s been good and hard because I’ve forced myself to evaluate why I don’t wear an item. If it’s because I forget that I have it, then maybe I keep it, but if it’s because it’s uncomfortable, then it goes. Clearing out the unnecessary so I can focus on what I enjoy and actually get use out of. I’m not a minimalist by nature, but clearing out what I do not like with the income incentive is perfect!

I know I’ve mentioned it before, but I LOVE listening to the Sorta Awesome podcast. This week they talked about risk taking, and it was so inspiring to hear women share about when they’ve been brave and taken a risk on themselves, their families or love. If you’re looking for something to listen to while you workout or commute to work, this weekly, hour-long is sure to bring some awesome into your life.

If you haven’t already heard, Anthropologie’s sale section is on sale! I cannot afford to shop there full price, but sales and gift cards have given me some of my favorite items of clothing. I’m loving this dress right now!

Happy Monday!

I’ve found myself afraid a lot lately.

Afraid to walk to Starbucks by myself from my office.

Afraid to try a new haircut.

Afraid to send a difficult email to a prospective client.

Afraid to text a new friend.

Afraid to put my thoughts into writing.

There were different reasons for all of these fears, but the bottom line: fear, not faith, preoccupied my mind.

I wanted to be less afraid, or even unafraid, before I took whatever step was next – walking to get coffee, drafting the email, sending the text, writing down the thoughts. But what if I never stopped being afraid? What if the fear kept growing? What if I’m never ready?

At the beginning of my freshman year of college, once I came to know Jesus, I wanted my Bible to look well loved. There are two aspects of my personality at play here: One, I’m not so impressed by bright and shining things; worn-in and well-loved is how I prefer almost everything – books, jeans and friendships. And two, I wanted to be like everyone else, and in this situation, that was a highlighted Bible with specific passages that one could flip to quickly and share an important truth.

To mark up my own Bible, in addition to reading it, and highlighting and taking notes during every sermon or talk, I would use the index/glossary and look up specific words. Maybe I was just ahead of time with the whole word study thing!

One of the words I was enamored by was faith. I grew up Catholic, and in Catholic circles, we don’t really talk about our faith like you hear in other denominations. We would use words such as religion or Catholicism, but faith, walking with God, believer or quiet time were not part of my vocabulary. So here I am, a brand-new Christian, trying to learn a new vernacular, being introduced to Jesus’ grace for the first time, and also wanting to fit in with my new friends, so I started by looking up faith in the back of my Bible and tracing it through the New Testament so I could better understand what it was that I was doing. It was in this pseudo word study that I found a still favorite verse of mine, Hebrews chapter 11, verse 1: “Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.”

Based on the author of Hebrews’ definition of faith, there is a confidence component and a trust component. I’m confident that Jesus who He says He is, and because of that, I can trust that He will do what He said He will do.

Faith is not being unafraid. We don’t get less afraid by sitting and waiting.

I have several heroes of my faith – friends, mentors, writers – and when I look at their lives, I think, “Man, they’re so brave.” But that thought can be dangerous in my mind, because I often believe that they were unafraid when they took their step of faith.

The reality is: we are usually scared shitless before we take a big leap.

Even if we are confident about what we are called to, there’s still the voice saying, “What if you fail? What if you fail really big?”

Sometimes what you are seeking out to do isn’t worth failing, but most of the time it is. It’s the message hidden deep in your heart; it’s the mission you believe down to the tips of your toes. To not step into it, to not take the leap is to sacrifice who you are and even scarier – who you serve.

Honestly, the risks can seem equal on paper. Sacrifice your reputation by failing or sacrifice your message by staying silent and sitting still. But I’m learning that I always owe it to myself to try.

The key in taking risks is to hold your faith and your fear in equal hands, let the tension motivate you. Don’t wait until you’re unafraid, just wait until you have enough faith in a good God that the outcome doesn’t define you.