Category: Growing Up

I’m in the season of job searching and prayerfully considering what the Lord has for me next year. I’m struggling because I feel like I’m not qualified for the things I want to be doing, or that I’m years off from actually doing what I feel like I’m called to do. I find myself asking God to remind me that I’m qualified for certain things, and expecting a pep talk much like the ones my parents would give me in high school. As I read through Exodus 3, I was taken about by words that the Lord spoke to Moses. The Lord appears to Moses through a burning bush and calls him to lead the Israelites in Egypt. Moses’ response to God is very human, and I think I might have a similar one. He says to God, “Who am I, that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?”(Verse 11). I’m expecting to keep reading and hear God tell Moses what unique qualifications Moses has that makes him perfect for this job, much like my parents would tell me before I went to soccer try-outs or ran for a position in National Honor Society. Instead, “God said, ‘I will be with you’ (verse 12). Wow. All that qualified Moses to lead the Israelites out of Egypt and to eventual freedom is that God is with him.

There is nothing that qualifies for me for anything except the fact that God is with me. I don’t need a pep talk, I just need God — He will rise to any occasion and never leave or forsake me.

When I thought about this summer, there was a feeling in the pit of stomach wondering if I way actually being obedient about coming back home for the summer, or if I was being a baby about not wanting to raise support again. Or take care of myself. Because on paper living on home seems easy. My parents pay for everything, I had a job to come back to, and it’s not hard to find a church in the city of Cincinnati – I can name 3 mega churches off the top of my head. I’ve had it drilled in my head that comfort is the opposite of faith – living with all my needs met does not force me to rely on God.

Then I moved home. And home is great. But it’s not super comfortable. Yes, I sleep in a comfortable bed every night, but I am daily dying to myself. I love my internship, but some days, it’s hard. Seeing the faces of orphan children breaks my heart, and interacting in donors can sometimes be difficult, and my back sometimes hurts from filing things. I get a great discount at J.Crew for working there, but working two jobs in exhausting, and I work with another Caitlin, two Katies and a Kait, so I rarely get credit for my sales, or make my sales goals. Plus, customers get annoyed when you ask them if they need help. But, I know I’m where God wanted me this summer.

Every time I fold a pile of clothes only to watch a customer immediately mess it up, I know I’m right where God wants me.

Every time I have a conversation with my eleven-year-old brother about Jesus, I know I’m right where God wants me.

Every time I eat lunch with the women from work at the “food and life table”, I know I’m right where God wants me.

Every time I sit down to spend time with the Lord without an ending time and no discipleship to plan for, I know I’m right where God wants me.

Every time I get to empty the dishwasher or run an errand for my mom, I know I’m right where God wants me.

Living missionally and depending on God amidst the uncertainty is easy – it’s all there is to do, but this summer, walking back into an environment that I lived in before walking with Jesus has been hard. It’s been humbling to realize that 16 year-old me might be disappointed with the 21 year-old version of me. I’ve lost some ambition, I didn’t stick to “the plan”, but that’s life. And each day I have to depend on Jesus to remind me why I’m here, and to tell me that I’m right where He wants me.

This week, I started working at J.Crew. I love J.Crew, but at the end of my 7.5 hour internship, I’m usually not super excited about driving twenty minutes, selling and folding clothes for 4.5 hours. I knew that’s what this summer was going to be like, but I was in no way looking forward to it. The funny thing is, this has become the trend. I hear the Lord call me to something, I accept it, but then I stomp my feet the whole way there.

When I knew God was calling me to come home this summer and work two jobs, one unpaid, I accepted it. But I carried a chip on my shoulder. I ask God for opportunities to serve Him, but then when it’s not what I want, I throw a tempter tantrum. I even try to get myself out of it. The night I got home from Bloomington, I had a nice little breakthrough… I’m not home because it’s necessarily what I wanted to do. I’m home by faith. But that whole it not being exactly what I wanted to do doesn’t mean I get to cuss God out every time something is difficult. Me being home by faith is more than just the action of moving home, it’s the delighting in what the Lord has for me in this season. Even when it’s doing research during the day and folding clothes at night.

Last night, when I got to work, I was greeted by a friend who I truly enjoy and has a heart for Jesus. And less than 30 minutes into my shift, I was able to make a new friend who also loves Jesus, and spent the last 4 months serving in Africa. I chuckled a little bit as I surrendered my pride to the Lord. I was reminded how much the Lord loves me – He met me in my stubborn brattiness and reminded me that despite the pity party I had been throwing myself, He had been throwing a real party, I just had to leave mine and come to His. My prayer is that I stop stomping my feet the time because as I keep finding, this whole living by faith thing is work giving it my all, not just my half-assed effort because I’ve wasted the rest complaining.

This past week I’ve found myself thankful for something that I never thought I would be. I’m thankful for singleness. I’m thankful that for the past 2.5 years of my life – since I came to know the Lord, I’ve gotten to do it at my own pace and my own way. I’ve had some wonderfully encouraging friends – both male and female – who have held my hand and guided me, but ultimately, it’s been Jesus and me.

Growing up, I was fiercely independent, out of having to be. My high school career was four years of doing things myself; I had great friends, but when push came to shove, I enjoyed my own company and didn’t trust many people. When I came to IU, I was forced to rely on others and I lost myself in my friends and who I thought they wanted me to be. Going Greek was probably the best decision I’ve ever made because Phi Mu has taught me to just be me. I have best friends in my sorority and best friends who aren’t, but I’m the only me. I’m the other person who has the exact experiences that I have.

This fall, I’ve re-discovered what it feels like to be independent and I’ll be the first to admit that I haven’t always does a good job at it, but it’s also forced me to start thinking about what I want. What dreams do I have? What experiences do I want to have? I know it’s up to God, the hands are open for Him to give and take me what He wants, but I’m just enjoying creating me, Caitlin Snyder. There have been so many times in the past 2 years that I’ve taken matters into my own hands thinking that I know what’s best for me, but God is sovereign and thankfully hasn’t let my will prevail over His. And now I see why. Because God has wanted me to be thankful for the woman He has created me to be. It’s easy to be thankful for others – you usually get to see them at their best. It’s been a hard year to be thankful for myself. I’m a sinner. I’m a doubter. I’m a skeptic. But He still loves me; He gave me quirks. It’s about time I start to be thankful for myself and the fact that God has given me time to discover who I am.

Today as I walk around campus I’m wearing bright green rain boots and a khaki trench coat. My outfit to me describes this balance that I’m trying to figure out as a 20 year old. My boots seem adolescent, like I’m trying to remember the freshman that bought these boots with high hopes of college. But my coat is the woman I’m heading towards – a more mature woman who wants to present herself as if she has it all together. These two distinct personalities in me have been fighting for domination ever since this past summer.

On any given day, I wish I no longer had to go to class and wish I could just move home and have my parents take care of me again. I feel like twenty is a weird age to be because as a college student, my parents are still paying for school and supporting me, but I’m forced to take care of myself on a day-to-day basis. While I love being independent, responsibility is not always my favorite thing. This summer, while living in Chicago I got a taste of what it feels like to be a grown-up, and I’m not completely sure I like it. Being 20 is a funny thing. It’s like a constant transition. I feel like I’m constantly doing something differently, learning a different life lesson, and walking by faith.

So much of my life I’ve been able to learn from watching other people or have people guide me through things. Not so right now. I feel like a trailblazer in my life. I’m in some undefined roles which not much structure. As I lay in bed starting to wake up in the morning, I just ask God tto be gentle with me. I never know if I’m going to feel like the girl wearing green rain boots or the woman wearing the trench coat – or both at the same time. I just have to trust that God is going to lead me in the right direction. And He will. He hasn’t led me astray yet, and I believe He wouldn’t.

The most difficult thing is that I don’t know what I want. I can’t decide if I would rather rewind or fast-forward, but what I know is that I’m struggling to be where I am. It’s on days like today when I’m learning to walk by faith and not by sight. I don’t usually know what the day is going to provide, let alone what the next year of my life is going to look like, but I do know that God is good. I may not be able to decide between the boots or the coat, but I do know that God is faithful. God’s promises are true, no matter how I’m feeling. So each day I’ll ask God to empower me to walk by faith, wearing my bright green rain boots and my khaki trench coat at the same time.