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Today’s blog a continuation of things I wrote last week. You may want to start there so you get some back-story.

I’m quick to hear about the surface level benefits of singleness. Christian blogs talk a lot about these benefits and it seems like almost every married person has some benefits of singleness to share with me. Usually the lists include one of the following: spending money how I want to, eating popcorn for dinner, and having more time to invest in younger people. These are good things. I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t like to buy clothes instead of paying off a husband’s student loan or that I didn’t sometimes eat popcorn for dinner (and red wine of course). And, I do get to make decisions about my time on my own. But there’s more to this singleness thing. More benefits than the surface level stuff.

Less you think I’ve sat around for the past three years throwing a pity party, I have used this season of singleness to learn. And the learning curve has been steep.

Since graduating college, I’ve been forced to learn self-reliance. Not because I don’t have good friends, I’m confident I have some of the BEST friends and roommates, but even friends aren’t there all the time. They don’t see every area of my life. So I’ve learned that I need to rely on myself to determine if I’m living with integrity, if I’m the same person around my college friends that I am church and work. There’s no one who follows me into each of the areas of my life like a spouse does. I’ve been forced to become someone able to evaluate if I’m being my truest self everywhere I go, even if no one would know any differently.

I’ve developed my own values. Yes, those values have been deeply influenced by the Bible, my family and my friends, and I’ve had trusted people to have conversations about what I believe and why. But, I’m the final decision. I’ve made the calls on which missionaries I support, what church I attend, what food I eat, what car I drive, what job I work and who I spend my time with. All of those decisions indicate what I value.

Speaking of making decisions, I’ve had to become a decider. Which for an indecisive, wants to ask everyone for input, tends towards people-pleasing woman, that’s been a HUGE area of growth. We’re talking the big decisions – do I stay at my job or leave? But also the small decisions – what do I do with my free time this week? No one is around to make those decisions for me. And believe me, there have been seasons of my life that I’ve begged people to make these small and big decisions for me; seasons when I’ve wished the Bible was black and white. With each decision – big or small – that I’ve made, I’ve become a bit more confident of my own abilities.

Especially within the church, and I include myself in this statement, we’re quick to celebrate the lessons learned in marriage and parenthood. But I often forget that God is teaching me, too. I have milestones to celebrate, too. When we don’t celebrate the milestones of singles, there’s space to wonder if they, as individuals are worth celebrating, if they have value.

While marriage and parenthood are decisions people make, and worth of celebration, singleness has its place, too. Jesus was single. Paul was single. Several of the disciples were single.

Singleness is hard and it’s lonely, but it’s impossible to walk through it without learning something. There are soul level benefits to singleness that are often ignored. Just like there are hardships to singleness that are often overlooked. This season is very worthy of walking through. I share the lessons that I’ve learned because they’re worth sharing, and because it’s important for those who haven’t walked through it to better understand my experience and the experiences of others in the church.

There are a lot of things I like about working in international adoption.

I like the families who I am able to work with.

I like the complexities, that no two days are exactly the same.

I like the challenge of never knowing exactly how something will work out.

I like that I am able to advocate for vulnerable children.

I like that I’m able to be part of a story much bigger than my own.

But my favorite thing about my job is that every day I’m reminded of the Gospel, the good news that God sought me out, paid my debt, welcomed me into His family and that He loves me. Perfectly.

In April, I traveled to Congo on an escort trip. So what does that mean? An escort trip is when members of our staff travel to the country on the family’s behalf to bring the children home.

There are some important things you need to know about adoptions from the Congo.

Starting in September 2013, children, even children who have been legally adopted have been stuck in the Congo. For over two years, they’ve remained in orphanages or foster homes because the Congolese immigration authority would not issue these children exit permits to leave the country.

So for over two years, our Congo Program families have been paying a monthly fee (kind of like a day care fee, but for diapers, food, and care) for their adopted children, waiting for the Congolese immigration authority to let them come home.

Since Congo is a very impoverished country in Africa, these sweet children were daily susceptible to malaria and other diseases. In addition to the financial burden, these families have suffered the emotional burden of knowing their children, seeing their photos, but being unable to raise them, in the family’s home. Families in our Congo Program have demonstrated to me over the past two years what it means for love to suffer long.

When the opportunity to travel to Congo presented itself, I wasted no time in saying, “Um, OF COURSE I’ll go.” The country itself has been a mystery to me, and the entire continent of Africa has long been on my bucket list. What I didn’t realize in volunteering for the trip is how God was going to give me the clearest picture of the Gospel I’ve ever experienced.

I could say a million things about traveling with two toddlers who didn’t speak English, who had never seen escalators before and who really had no idea what they were about to experience, but those are stories for another day.

At the end of our thirty-six hour trip, we passed through customs and immigration and took the airport monorail to the baggage claim area in the Cincinnati airport. I walked hand in hand with my two little friends as their parents came into my sight. I’d like to be able to say that the tears running down my face were relief that we had made it or joy that I could see my own mom who came to greet me at the airport, but truly, the tears were because these children were now home.

After thousands of dollars on top of an already expensive process.

After months of update photos instead of seeing their faces each morning.

After uncertainty of when this ridiculousness would finally end.

After knowing another woman was wiping the tears and calming the fears.

They were now home in their parents’ arms.

I quickly stepped aside to hug my own mom and give the families time to celebrate their special moments, so I don’t know exactly what was said in each hug huddle. But, if I had to imagine, it was probably something like this: I love you, welcome home.

And that right there is the Gospel. It is God saying to each of His beloved: There is no distance too far, no time too long, no cost too great to separate you from my enduring, everlasting, all powerful love. Here with me is where you’re meant to be.

I imagine that when the Lord greets us in heaven, we will hear from Him, “I love you, welcome home.”

Earlier in the year, I posted some articles and blogs that I’d been reading, but I realized that even though I’ve spent a lot of this year with my nose in books, I haven’t shared them. Shame on me! Twenty sixteen will probably go down in history as the most books I’ve ever read in a year — I’m at 32 and I’ve got several on my nightstand right now. I’ve read some VERY GOOD books this year and I’m excited to share them. If you have book suggestions, I’ve LOVE to hear them!

Americanah, by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie: I don’t read fiction frequently, but when I do, and it’s good, I can’t shut up about it (case in point: all of my roommates and a lot of close friends have now read Me Before You). Americanah was one of those books. It told a deeply moving story of the African experience on America. The language was near perfect, especially on such a complex issue such as race. It’s had me rushing out to buy the author’s other books. She’s a brilliant storyteller!

The Real Thing: Lessons on Love from a Wedding Reporter’s Notebook, by Ellen McCarthy: Written by the Washington Post’s wedding writer, this book is the perfect beach read or book for a girls’ weekend. It’s a great blend of light-hearted and deep. I took a chance when ordering this book at the beginning of the year, and I definitely don’t regret it.

Bread & Wine, by Shauna Niequist: Shauna Niequist is my favorite writer. There are only a couple other authors that even come close, and I read A LOT. Bread & Wine is the kind of book you want to cozy up with, light a yummy smelling candle, and make a cup of tea. You may also find yourself wanting to make some of the recipes that she includes in the book.

The Residence, by Kate Andersen Brower : I’ll admit that this one isn’t for everyone. The book shares real-life stories of the First Families who have lived in the White House since the Kennedys. I loved reading about behind the scenes stories of life in the White House.

UnChristian, by David Kinnaman and Gabe Lyons: I was late to the game with this book and this research. So late that more than five years later, the authors have already written another book. Don’t worry, it’s on my summer reading list. It’s a data heavy nonfiction book worth reading for all Christians. David Kinnaman and Gabe Lyons put data and words to a lot of the millennial Christian experience. It’s fantastic!

Celebration of Discipline, by Richard Foster: This book was borrowed from my sister’s bookshelf and it was a surprise. I’ve heard good things over the past couple years, but I didn’t know if it could live up to the hype. I was wrong. It was a perfectly executed book on the importance of spiritual disciplines in living the Christian life. It challenged the way I experience God, and how I think the Christian life should be lived.

Good Faith, by David Kinnaman and Gabe Lyons: This summer on my Friendcation, we read Good Faith as a group. It was one of the best decisions we made in the month leading up to our trip. It gave us common group and similar language to use as we talked about what it looks like for us to be Christians in a changing culture. Good Faith may be the most important book I read this year.

Present Over Perfect, by Shauna Niequist: Shauna Niequist’s newly released book is one of her best! The message that she shares about slowing down, healing from the inside out, and focusing on living as one who is loved, is one that each person needs. While her words are applicable to everyone, her words are imperative for any one who feels like their life is living them, and not them living their life.

 

I never intended to be a world traveler. Growing up overseas I was exposed to a lot at a young age. Four day weekend? How about a trip to China. Spring break? Let’s spend it in Malaysia. Three weeks for Christmas and New Years? Let’s road trip in New Zealand. I saw more before I turned ten than most people see in their lifetimes.

And yet when it was my turn to decide how I wanted to live my life and what I wanted it to be about, I wasn’t quite sure the role traveling could or would play.

As I sit in the airport headed home from my third continent and new country in six months, my mind is still trying to understand how I became a world traveler as an adult.

I’m thinking it may have something to do with surrender.

After I graduated from college and moved home, I felt so lost. I would go to job interviews and they would ask me what my long term goals were and all I could think about was how short term I really, really wanted a job. Wouldn’t you hire me? And I would come home and cry out to the Lord asking for direction, to know what He wanted to do with my small life and big heart ready to go where and when He called.

Halfway through the summer, working in retail, my mindset shifted. How could I expect God to do big things with my life if I wasn’t willing to be faithful in the small things He had called me to in this season? The short answer: I couldn’t.

God wasn’t asking me to prove my faithfulness, but He was starting here, in small ordinary moments, to show me how to be a good steward of the opportunities He was creating. I wish I could say I was excited about these small ordinary moments, that I bounced out of bed ready to go fold clothes for the glory of God, but I didn’t quite do that right away. It’s been a journey, of recognizing the responsibility I have everyday to build the Kingdom of God wherever I am, in whatever I do.

That’s what surrender has come to mean to me. It’s not so much these grand prayers on worn knees, but a belief in a plan bigger than mine and a realization of my responsibility in that plan. It’s a daily, “Your way, not my own, Lord,” even when I can’t say it without crying.

It was a big week. I saw things in Congo that I’ve never seen before and I may never see again. I found myself trying to answer, “Why me? Why has this experience been given to me?” I know people a million times better at writing about their experiences, some much more skilled at raising money, others with gifting to take photos and share the experiences, all better than me.

And yet it was me. I traveled. I’ve now seen even more. It’s a privilege I don’t want to take lightly. It would be easy to claim I’ve earned it, but I haven’t.

It started with surrender. Surrender in the small moments has led to these bigger experiences. And hasn’t quite ended yet.

So what now? All I know is that I don’t want to rush the process. I want to sit in it. I want to let what I’ve seen change me. I want the experiences to make me a more vivid storyteller, a more passionate advocate and a better steward.

It may also be fun to read this blog that was posted on my old blog in June 2013: Here

It’s no secret that my post-grad plan was to join staff with Cru and work in full-time ministry. My gifting, training and experience all pointed to this being a wise decision and an excellent way to serve God. After all, I once shared with my mom that I was one of the people who was going to get her hands dirty in the ministry thing, not just watch others do it. Well, the call into full-time ministry for the season right after college never came. As much as it broke my heart, I started to lean into the discomfort that came with the unknown, uncertain and unwanted.

It is important to note that in the almost three years since I graduated from college, I have continually seen God’s faithfulness. First in the three months I lived at home with my parents and now in the past two and half years I’ve lived in Indianapolis. I have story after story of a God who cares and knows better than I ever could.

And to think that I almost missed it.

I had the great privilege of speaking at IU Cru’s Gala earlier this month; it’s an event where supporters of the ministry are invited to come and hear how God is at work on the campus and in the world through the staff and students. I’m not on staff and I’m not a student anymore, so I had a unique role in the program. I was the “alumni testimony”, and I shared how IU Cru prepared me to be sent into the world to make an impact for Christ.

As I sat down to start writing what I wanted to share, I could barely make it through a paragraph without crying. God has been so faithful to me. From friendships and new clothes at J.Crew to a mission of serving the vulnerable and new skills at MLJ Adoptions and deepened college relationships and new friends in Indianapolis, God’s fingerprints have been all over this post-college season.

And I almost missed it.

I almost missed the spiritual conversations over bottles of wine.

I almost missed the trip to India where I had the opportunity to share Christ with people who had never heard.

I almost missed a cool friendship with my sweet thirteen-year-old friend at church.

I almost missed so many babysitting jobs that end with conversations with parents of kiddos at my church.

I almost missed hours on the phone each week sharing about the need for international adoption and falling in love with families who desire to meet that need.

I almost missed dropping off meals to best friends with new babies or sick parents.

I almost missed witnessing the way that God is using Harvest North Indy to reach the nations and the city to bring glory to His name.

I almost missed two years of 7AM discipleship that has equipped me to walk someone from Creation to the Cross in the Bible.

I almost missed a trip to Nicaragua and Lord-willing the Democratic Republic of Congo this spring.

I almost missed learning all about marketing and social media the hard way – by teaching myself.

I almost missed working a second job to pay off my student loans in 18 months.

Please hear me say loud and clear that if I would have joined staff with Cru, I know I would have watched God be faithful in a million other ways. I know that. But I would have missed this.

These experiences that have defined the past quarter decade of my life could have been missed if I would have been disobedient. I was so afraid of what life looked like after college that if given the choice, I probably wouldn’t have left Bloomington. Fear almost made me miss this.

When we step out against fear, we have the opportunity to watch God be faithful. The experiences will likely not be what we expected them to be. The relationships will probably be with people we wouldn’t have chosen for ourselves. Our careers may take us places we never imagined we would go. All of these things are true because we serve a faithful God.

Don’t miss it. Most importantly, don’t miss Him. His fingerprints are all over your life.

I’m usually reading a little bit of everything. Some fashion blogging, a lot of political chatter and usually a nonfiction book or two. Right now I’m reading A LOT of political commentary because I’m one of the few that LOVES election seasons.

What Today’s Republicans Don’t Get About Reagan, Jacob Weisberg: I had the hardest time getting out of bed this morning mostly because it was raining, but also because Donald Trump won the Nevada Caucus last night. There are no words, but Weisberg brings a new slant to the conversation. As a party that holds high being the party of Reagan, Weisberg argues that the GOP may not actually be the same party now as it was then.

Why Kesha’s Case is About More Than Just Kesha, Lena Dunham: To be completely honest, I wasn’t following the Kesha case that closely. I knew Kesha was going to court, and that’s about it. It’s election season, so I’ve been up to my eyeballs in #Marcomentum, but YIKES. Oh gosh, my heart breaks over this situation. Dunham does a good job sharing how Kesha’s court case fits into the bigger picture of male/female relationships and an industry driven by male power.

Is Consuming Less the Answer to Creating More? Allie Marie Smith: As an undisciplined writer, I sometimes wonder why I lack the desire to write or create. I think it has some to do with my schedule and my career work, but as I’ve processed through it, I’ve realized that it may also be due to the fact that I consume so much. I watch a decent amount of Netflix, I read a lot of books, and I’m in constant communication with friends. None of these are bad things, but they may take up brain space that could be used for creating and dreaming.

Congo Lets 150 Adopted Children Join Families in U.S. After 2-Year Limbo, Uriel Sinai: My only thoughts have been, “YAY!” My tenure at my job has been defined by this 2+ year shutdown. I’m thankful to be seeing some movement, but wanting MORE. I pray that by the end of 2016 ALL these adopted kiddos will be home.

David and Goliath, Malcolm Gladwell: Gladwell never disappoints. His unique storytelling combined with facts and arguments is fantastic. I have found it difficult to put this book down!

How I Coped With an Unexpected Pregnancy, Julia Dellitt: Because I’m fascinated by people and how they tell their stories, this was a GREAT read. While it’s hard to read as many people close to me have walked the road of infertility, it’s important to read the other side. I affirm that our feelings are our feelings; it’s what we do with our feelings where the value judgments come in.

A Colleague Drank My Breast Milk and Other Wall Street Tales, Maureen Sherry: It’s one thing to talk the talk of feminism, but it’s another to walk it. Maureen Sherry shares some “Yikes” stories of what happened to her as a woman on Wall Street. Going first is hard and lonely. I’m thankful for other women who have gone first, but we need to hear about how hard it was so that we don’t take their accomplishments for granted.

In January, I was in Phoenix for a girls weekend with two of my closest girlfriends. We wanted to experience Phoenix, so we climbed a mountain. What you should know is that we’re all pretty fit women, but on any given day, at least two of us, me being one of them, would rather shop than hike (#sorrynotsorry).

But, we were in the middle of a desert in Arizona, so we decided try something new, something uniquely Phoenix.

The sign classifying the hike as “Extremely Difficult” should have been our first hint, but we laughed it off and kept walking. It was hard. So hard that had we known how difficult it would be, we probably wouldn’t have done it. But, when you’ve been hiking for over an hour and the people around you keep telling you that you’re almost there, you pull yourself up over the rock. You keep going.

We were invested and stubborn so we choose not to walk away. We had gone all in and we weren’t turning back.

I think this is how Peter and the disciples must have felt in John 6. After sharing some hard truth, Jesus is abandoned by a crowd. He then looks to his disciples and says, “You do not want to leave, too, do you?”

Peter responds, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God” (John 6:60-69 paraphrased).

They were invested, they had experienced a taste of the abundant life, and they couldn’t bring themselves to walk away. They were all in and they weren’t turning back.

Our group of friends has been hit hard recently. Between us, in the last several months, we have had sick parents, relatives pass away, doubt over calling, and unmet expectations. We have been on the receiving end on the desperate texts asking for prayer because present circumstances became more than we could handle on our own. We have sent gifts, brought meals and most importantly – hoped and believed on each other’s behalf.

While we never expected this life to be easier, it feels harder than we were prepared for. It is harder than we imagined. There is temptation to wonder if it matters. To wonder if it’s worth it.

And yet, in the midst of the hard and the heartbreaking, we have much to celebrate.  This year we are thankful for weddings, new jobs, pregnancy, graduations, and exciting ministry opportunities. We are planning our second annual Friendcation and dreaming of what the future holds.

The closer you walk to Christ, the more real the suffering, the deeper the hurts. Thankfully, the closer you walk to Christ, the more real His victory becomes. Let me be clear, it’s His victory, not ours. All of the good is a result of His grace, not our performing. And the challenges are only a glimpse of what He suffered to reconcile us to God.

Jesus’ death on the cross was brutal, but it was also beautiful.

The Christian life is allowing two opposites to be held in tension – it’s painfully hard, but unbelievably good.

Once you have seen the beauty from the brokenness, felt the joy in the midst of suffering, experienced the healing while still in pain, you find yourself in Peter’s shoes. You know that even when it’s hard, more difficult than you thought it would be, you can’t imagine looking to anything else.

Friend, it will get hard. There will be days when getting out of bed requires all your strength. There will be weeks that move you to tears. There will be months of loneliness and grief. It will also be good, so good. There will be giggles, tears of joy, moments you never want to end and memories you never want to forget.

After you’ve experienced the abundant life, even when it gets hard, and you want to walk away, you can’t bring yourself to do it. You’ve gone all in. There’s no turning back.

 

The Taj Mahal is one of the wonders of the world. Built before modern technology, it took at least 22 years to build and thousands of people contributed to it’s marble detailing. The grounds where it resides are completely symmetrical and its design well thought out. The story behind it seems to be one of great romance – the king designed it and had it built to honor his favorite wife. Visiting the monument has sat at the top of my bucket list for years.

I was a true tourist as I wander the grounds, half paying attention to our tour guide, half taking pictures with my selfie stick. I tried to memorize every detail and take note of the almost spiritual experience.

The sheer magnificence of the Taj Mahal is incredible. Each piece of marble was individually cut and inlaid into the building with such care. As our team walked around the site, I was mesmerized not only by the structure, but also by a God whose love far exceeds the beauty of one of the wonders of the world. If an imperfect man would build such a monument to his dead wife, what more would God be willing to do for His children?

As we celebrate the Christmas season, we’re reminded that He would do nothing short of come down from Heaven, in human form, live a perfect life, suffer, die and rise again to unite Himself to us.

And yet this isn’t the love that the world usually recognizes. A man who rode into Jerusalem on a donkey doesn’t seem to compare to this magnificent structure. A brutal death on a cross doesn’t feel like it can compare to millions of dollars in marble.

And it shouldn’t. Only a heart changed by Jesus can recognize this type of love. To the naked eye, humility and sacrifice appear to be counterfeit when compared to the glamour the world has to offer.

But for those of us who have experienced God’s love and saving grace, we know that the best moments on this earth are only glimpses of what Heaven has to offer. We cannot and will not fully understand the greatness of God’s love for us on this side of Heaven. When we stand face to face with the King of kings and Lord of lords, we will be driven to our knees in worship. The shock and awe of walking the Taj Mahal grounds will not even compare to the glory of Heaven.

It’s easy to believe that the story starts on Christmas in a stable with a perfect baby boy whose arrival was announced with a bright star and angels. But we know better. It started thousands of years before that, in a perfect garden with two imperfect people, who because of their sin ran from God’s presence. Leading up to the birth of Christ, we hear stories of all the chances God gave His people to reconcile themselves to Him. Christ’s coming was the beginning of the end.

Just like the story didn’t start in the manger, it didn’t end on the cross. Those who hope in Christ know He will one day return to call us home. But until then, we relish the experiences that give us glimpses of His glory. We delight in chances to better understand who He is through what He has created. It’s these glimpses that make the sufferings seem small when compared to what we believe His glory to be. And sometimes these glimpses happen in far away lands while standing in amazement at what a man made.

What one man created for his wife cannot even compare to what God has in store for the children who He loves.

Dear J.Crew,

Today’s our last day of the foreseeable future together. Today, at 6PM, I’ll walk into the store, wearing my brand-new army green Field Jacket, because no self-control, and I’ll work my last shift. It’s a sad thing for us, really, we’ve been an accidental romance – the kind that builds slowly over time and years later you realize you’ve changed because of it. When I filled out an application in March of 2010, I had no idea that I’d stick around so long. I’m grateful that you’ve taught me as much of you have and for the consistency you’ve brought to life during college and life post-college. For better or worse, I haven’t had to worry about what to wear or keeping up on latest trends, you’ve been good to me like that.

So thanks, J.Crew.

Thank you for keeping me well dressed, even at the expense of my savings account. I’ve loved building a wardrobe with a discount and having fun developing my own style. My gold pave link bracelet, yellow Excursion vest, California Poppy dress, and toothpick jeans have been my favorite items. And let’s not forget my Field Jackets, all three of them, now. You’ve been good to my closet, J.Crew.

Thank you for challenging my view of beauty and style. They are not quick and easy. They take time to develop and grow into. Beauty and style cannot be bought. Clothes and jewelry can, but it’s how you wear them and the way you own who you are that matters most. Clothing cannot cover insecurities, in fact, it can expose them. Women who are confident in who they are — they’re the most beautiful and they wear the clothes the best.

Thank you for my thicker skin. I firmly believe that every person should have to work in retail or food service at some point in their lives. I’ve done both and learned so much. Because of working in retail (and being filled with the Holy Spirit), I can respond back to cruel people with kindness, knowing that they’re not really mad at me, they’re mad at something else and taking it out on me. Who really gets that worked up over a sweater? No one, you’ve just had a bad day. I now see difficult customers as a challenge — can I turn the day around for you? Our culture has gotten so used to quick and fast that people don’t like standing in line, but I’ve realized it’s okay to make someone wait. Obviously within reason, but there’s no need for the cashier to apologize because the person in front of you didn’t have their credit card ready. Patience is still a virtue.

Thank you for the countless friendships I’ve developed while folding clothes and working at the cash wrap. Co-workers, managers and shoppers alike have made the past five years so much fun. My summers in Cincinnati and last two years in Indianapolis wouldn’t have been the same without the relationships formed within the four walls of the two stores I’ve worked at. As my life has changed all around me, the relationships I’ve formed here have grounded and challenged me.

Thank you for reminding me that I’m good at something. The summer of 2013 was a hard summer for my self-esteem. I had trouble finding a long-term full-time job, but you gave me a reason to show up. I had the opportunity to manage others and serve customers. Working as a temporary keyholder that summer at J.Crew Factory restored my faith in myself, and I wouldn’t have been able to walk into adulthood the same way without that experience. I may not be able to solve world hunger or find a family for every special needs child that I’ve come across, but I can help a new mom feel good about herself because she bought some items of clothing that now fit. I can assist a college freshman in picking out an outfit for sorority recruitment. I can share my favorite transition items for a fourteen year old who is finally in the women’s section of the store. As superficial as shopping appears, working in retail has allowed me to step into so many people’s lives, and hopefully help them feel a little bit better about themselves.

Thanks for the memories, the friendships, the clothes and the grace. I can’t say enough good stuff, J.Crew. You’ve been the best to me!

Love,

Caitlin

“I just love relationships. I love being a friend,” I said to my best friend over breakfast on a past Saturday morning.

She nodded and responded, “I know you do, Cate.”

I thrive off the energy of others. I long for deep conversations. I love the security of long-lasting friendship. Connecting with others brings me abundant joy. Of my many identities I have, my favorite is that of a daughter of God. My second favorite is that of a friend.

Some seasons of life are full of connection – vacations, happy hours, breakfasts, and more. These are my best seasons. These are when I thrive.

The harder ones for me are where my priorities must be reshuffled, and friendship cannot be the most important. This summer I had both. A week-long vacation with some of my best friends gave way to change at work and family health concerns. As hard as I fought to maintain normal relationship rhythms while traveling to and from Cincinnati three times in a month, for up to 6 days at a time, there was distance between me and the friend I so desperate try to be.

In the gap between what I want to be true of me and reality, guilt and shame can take root. I begin to beat myself up for not being the person my friends need me to be. This does not just happen in seasons of lackluster friendships, but in how I spend my money, my work performance, the food I eat, my exercise routine, and anywhere else that I fail to meet my own expectations. In that gap between what I want to be true and what is actually true, if I’m not careful, I let my own feelings of inadequacy breed insecurity and isolate me from those I care about most.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. Regardless of what secondary identities I hold, I can rest in my most important role – Daughter of God.

In Christ, there is no condemnation. There is no place for guilt or shame in the life of a Christ-follower. When I allow these feels to take over, I’m telling Jesus that the work that He did on the cross wasn’t quite enough. There are seasons when I will be a great friend, a great daughter, a great eater, a great runner, a great writer and a great workers. Usually they don’t ever happen at the same time… But, I will never be perfect. And that’s okay. Because my identity is not just that of any of those roles.

When I remember where my identity lies, and I’m in a season of needing grace, because I’m busy and working out isn’t the priority, or because family life brings me to Cincinnati and I’m not in Indianapolis on the weekends, or I’m in the middle of moving and life (and my temper) are all over the place, I can accept the grace that has already been given to me. Only when I remember that I’m first and foremost God’s can I receive the grace I so desperately desire.