A Funny Thing

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A funny thing happens when we welcome God into whatever we are experiencing. I’ve witnessed this funny thing happen many times and in different ways. After my grandmother died, when I welcomed God into my healing, there was less sadness and more comfort in my life. When I was dealing through a lot of my idolatry issues, when I welcomed God into the decisions, even the worst-case scenario did not seem as bad as I had originally thought. And even coming home this summer for four weeks, four weeks that I thought were going to bore me and prevent me from growing, when I welcomed God into those four weeks, there was less anticipation for the future and more contentment in the present. Usually through welcoming God into a part of our life, we surrender our expectations and give Him control to do whatever He desires. It becomes less about us and more about Him.

When I came home at the beginning of May, I had an end goal – survive until June 3rd when I left for Chicago. I was going to make a little bit of money, get a lot of sleep, and rest. I figured I would take a break from “ministry” because that started when I got to Chicago. Funny joke. I said to God, “I’m welcoming You into the next four weeks, do what You want”. I was thinking that He would rest me, after all, second semester was draining. I’ve gotten to rest, I’ve gotten plenty of sleep, but I haven’t sat around and napped all day. God has reminded me that my ministry follows me wherever I go. I can be a light for Jesus wherever I am, whatever I’m doing. Sometimes when I’m at school, I build up expectations for myself – I need to spend my time doing this, I should be meeting with this girl, and I should share my faith x-amount of times a week. Coming home and spending four weeks at home is such a relief. I may not have a weekly bible study, or discipleship every Wednesday; I might not have lifetime and encourage my dear friend Hannah towards Jesus every Tuesday afternoon, but God is moving, God is working and God is growing me. Not only have I survived the past four weeks, but I’ve thrived. I’ve gotten to share my faith, spend ample time folding clothes and praying at work, and I’ve gotten to rest in the Lord, and allow Him to remind me that He is proud of me not because of what I do, but who I am. I am His.

As I’ve seen in the past, welcoming God into my circumstances changes my perspective. It often times doesn’t change the present; God doesn’t remove the pain, erase how our sin hurts others or change how fast time goes… He does remind us that He has purpose in everything He does. He reminds us that all He requires is for us “to act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with [our] God” (Micah 6:8). He reminds us that it isn’t about us, it’s about Him. I pray that whatever your present circumstance, you find the strength to surrender it to God. That you trust that He cares more about you and what you’re going through than you could ever imagine. I pray that you remember that He is proud of you because you are His, and He has created you. Surrender your expectations and allow God to remind you of His glory in everything!

Authority Issues

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I have authority issues. I don’t like rules and I absolutely hate people telling me what to do. I don’t like rules and restrictions, ask my roommates, I do everything in my power to break rules that I think are stupid. I am not a rebel or a wild child, I just fail to see how rules or authority keep me safe or teach me anything. I don’t know when this started. I’d like to say around the time I was sixteen when my parents started to treat me like their friend and not their daughter. To this day, my mom calls me for advice, which is great; I love my relationship with my parents. However, I have taken that same friendship and transferred it over to almost every other authority figure in my life. When I was in high school, I saw my teachers as my friends; Cru staff at IU, I consider to be friends. I respect these people, I respect my parents, but I tend to think that my judgment for myself is better than the judgment of people who are older and wiser than me.

Not only does my distaste for authority transfer to people in my life, but as I’ve recently realized, I also transfer it to God. God will gently lead me towards one door and instead of opening it, I try all the wrong things first. I usually feel like the three year old throwing a temper tantrum, yelling, “I want to do it MY way”. Trusting God is hard, it’s especially hard because it means surrendering my control in a given situation. It means that He knows more than me; He sees the whole picture. I don’t. That’s humbling for this know-it-all to admit. I like to pretend that I know everything, I have a better answer than everyone else and that my opinion is the most important. Perhaps my authority issues are more pride issues, thinking that at all times I know what’s best for me. How silly does that sound, that I know what’s better for me than my Creator, who knows absolutely everything about me.

This summer I’ve been memorizing Philippians 2:1-11, and I’ve memorized through 2:6, verses 2:5 & 6 are “Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped”. That’s humility. Jesus was God, but made Himself a servant and “did not consider equality with God something to be grasped”. He knew that He could learn from serving others; As I grow in my walk with God, He wants me to remember that I don’t know everything. That people are in my life to teach me and grow me – I have to trust them, and trust what He is doing in their hearts and lives. So in full awareness of my authority issues, I pray that while keeping my eyes on Jesus, I can trust those who are older and wiser than me; that I can submit to the rules set for my protection, even if I think they are stupid, and know that God knows best. He wants me to grow, learn and prosper; this is not a painless journey, it is one of surrendering control, but it’s the next step towards Jesus. And as I sing in my favorite worship song, “I’ll stand my soul Lord, to You, surrendered – all I am is Yours”. In order for that to be true, I need to let go of my authority issues and trust that God is who He says He is and He works through the people in my life.

Present Day Adventures

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I love a challenge; when someone tells me I can’t do something, I love to put my nose down and plow through it. I’m also one of the few people who likes being refined, I like the tough times, when I can literally watch God chip off the old and transform me into something more Christ-like. I also tend to be a Martha – when I’m in new and uncertain situations, I want to DO something, not just enjoy Jesus’ presence and ask Him what He desires for me. Coming home for summer break came with mixed emotions. I come how to an amazing family and some friends who are still around, but I also come back into a room that represents also everything about my life before Christ. The hardest thing about coming home is that I know I can live my life, in my house, in Mason, Ohio without Jesus – I did for most of my life. My biggest tendency, in school, in Bloomington, in Mason and everywhere for that matter is to think that I can do everything without God.

My first three days at home were a struggle; the girl inside me who loves big challenges, who likes to be used to do the impossible was feeling restless. Something inside me wasn’t feeling satisfied; I wanted a big adventure… Mason, Ohio wasn’t cutting it for me. Monday night, when I was journaling, it hit me. God challenges us everyday with the mundane. I can grow when I’m not in pain. God wants me to invite Him into my everyday life when I’m at home. God wants me to walk closely with Him and teach me huge lessons even through small things. Satan will try to tempt me into thinking that because I don’t have a set ministry in Mason, because I’m not doing anything (or so it would appear), I am not being used or being grown. The truth is, my ministry is wherever I am, with who ever I’m talking to. God is day-by-day transforming me more into the image of His Son, whether I can see the change, that’s my choice.

The mundane may not seem like much of an adventure, but the past three days have demonstrated to me that the adventure is seeing God in everything; the adventure is asking God to see things the way He sees them – those two things I can do wherever I am. Yes, if I place my identity in what I’m doing, or where I am, a part of me dies when I leave Bloomington, but when I place my identity in Christ alone, I always have everything I need. I’ve invited God into my everyday life in Mason, and in the past three days (I know it doesn’t seem that long), I’ve seen a change in the way I view my present circumstances; they are full of hope, full of adventure and full of God.

Just As I Am

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I came to Christ my freshman year of college, but I fell in love with Jesus this year. A lot of my freshman year was navigating why I was doing things I thought I had to do because I was a “Christian”. Sophomore year has be a year of redefinement. Instead of dressing modestly because that’s what Christians did, I realized that Christ wants me to have freedom to live life more abundantly; yes, in dressing modestly, I respect myself, I respect others, but I also respect Jesus, and my relationship with Him. Through exploring my relationship with Him, it has been impossible to not fall more in love with Him – His perfection, His forgiveness, and His unconditional love.

The beautiful thing about Jesus is He doesn’t want the made up version of me or you. He wants us just as we are. We don’t have to get our lives together to become Christians – we become Christians and a result, the Holy Spirit does His job and transforms us. I took my make-up for Jesus this year and realized He saw me beautiful without it – He likes me better without it. I love this about my Savior. He knows I’m not perfect and He doesn’t want me to pretend to be someone that I’m not. It isn’t always easy to walk around without my figurative make-up on, I feel like my insecurities are more exposed, but I am clothed with strength and dignity, and I can laugh at the days to come (Proverbs 31:20). Because Jesus and I have dealt through my crap together, and I am able to better contribute to a Christian community where my vulnerabilities are exposed. I have an invisible clothing – made up of Christ – He clothes me from the world, because I am confident in who He has made me, I can be confident in the way I present myself to others. My identity is not tied to what other people think of my make-upless self, or my crap, it is tied to my perfect Savior who desires me just as I am, completely aware of the crap I carry with me.

My prayer for me and for you this summer is that we be okay with our crap and can see past it and see Christ in ourselves. Christ sees us as beautiful, just the way we are. I pray that you can be in a Christian community that desires realness and authenticity. I pray that we can be confident of ourselves, without make-up on – like the broken little messes that we are. Christ loves us just as we are, so shouldn’t we love ourselves the same way?

Freedom

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I’m passionate about freedom, largely because I’ve really started to walk in freedom this year. I became a Christian a year and a half ago, but it took a whole year to realize that because I am in Christ, I am free. It was a painful process. As is any liberation. I first had to realize that I was not free and deal with some major sin that had me in bondage. This is a continual process, one that is in no way, shape or form complete in my life, but this year has been one of significant bondage breaking and some freedom walking.

“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” – Galatians 5:1

Christ has set me free so that I can walk with Him, focus my eyes on Him and find my hope in Him. He has not set me free so that I can continue sinning, although my flesh will sin. When I allow other people’s negative comments to affect me, I begin to walk my way back into slavery – slavery to negativity. When I allow my schoolwork and grades to stress me out, I begin to walk my way back into slavery – slavery to accomplishments. When I begin to worry about my summer job and how much money I can make, I begin to walk my way back into slavery – slavery to money. All of these actions, while done on a daily basis in my life, break God’s heart. He wants me to experience the fullness of His love and through that love walk in freedom to love and forgive unconditionally. When I am bogged down about people’s expectations, my accomplishments or money, I’m failing to live acknowledging God’s provision and unconditional love.

Freedom means that I am not a slave to this world; I can lift my eyes to Jesus and remember that my current circumstances are not eternity. Pain and hurt will not exist in heaven. I can hold my chin up high and walk confidently because nothing on earth is big enough to shake my God. God can handle it all, I need not worry, I can walk towards Jesus and not worry about anything by serving Him with my whole heart. Freedom means that I get to place my identity in Christ. As long as I’m fully surrendered to Him, I am free from other’s expectations (don’t confuse this with healthy Christ-centered community that has accountability). Freedom means that I can mess up, that I’m not tied to legalism, that I can throw off anything that prevents me from fully serving Jesus. I cannot experience 100% freedom on this side of heaven, but until then, I will stand firm in Jesus Christ and the freedom He died for me to have. I will rely on God to give the strength to walk alongside Him, even when it’s hard. I’m free to mess up and to listen to Jesus’ voice when everyone else is saying something different louder. Christ set me free so I can experience Him and that’s exactly what I intend to do.

Strength

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Numerous times this year, I almost threw in the towel with Greek ministry. I was drained, I thought I needed to focus on myself, I doubted whether God was working and I believed my sin was going to break not only Greek ministry, but also the Cru movement. Tonight, I realized how big God is and I thank Him that He gave me the strength to keep going when times got rough. Had I walked away in October or in January, I would not have gotten to see what God did this semester… in my life and in the lives of many of my close friends. Walking away would have meant two things – 1.) God was not bigger than my own sin issues & 2.) God was not working the struggles for my good.

God can handle my sin. He can handle my doubt. He can handle my anger. They break His heart, but He can handle them. God showed me my sin and He showed me how detrimental sin is to community, but in starting to comprehend my own sinfulness, He allowed me to experience grace. When I started to experience God’s grace and God’s love, it enabled me to extend love and grace onto others. Because of the sin I dealt through – and still continue to fight – God gave me a story to tell. It was when I was so weak that I couldn’t do anything on my own that I realized God had been in control all along. Sin can tear apart community when we keep it in the dark, but when we confess it and bring it into our community of believers, He redeems it; Satan no longer has a hold on it. Satan wanted me to feel so much shame over my sin that I stopped believing God wanted me to lead or even be part of what was going on in the movement. However, God wanted me to bring my sin into the light and remember that He is in control, not me.

One huge lesson I learned over the course of the semester is that God works everything for our good. Not just the things done with pure hearts. Had I not been struggling to hold myself together, Satan could have convinced me that the revival I was seeing was based on my own work. However, because I saw myself in my true position to Christ … lying at the foot of the cross begging for mercy and forgiveness, God allowed me to experience fruit knowing He was the one who provided it. So often I think I’m in control and that my hard work is paying off, but it is God’s hard work, it is God working in and through my friends and me. God did the most work when I was oblivious to it. God answered crazy prayers that I prayed in July 🙂 God used my brokenness to remind me that He is in control and working everything for my good!

Tonight, hearing the lives committed and rededicated to Christ this year, and the growth in our Greek Bible Study community, I experienced a huge humbling and some true redemption. I had tears in my eyes just seeing how much God cares about each and every person on IU’s campus. This is not about me, or my sin. The beginnings of this revival have been about God and what He is doing through us despite us. I have seen each and every person in our bible study die to himself or herself this year and allow Christ to be in control, just the way I did in my own life. So thanks God for letting me be a part of it; thanks for giving me the strength to continue when I didn’t know how much more I could handle. Most of all, thank you for allowing me to see that You did work, You got You some and You’re bringing glory to Your Name at IU in the Greek system!

Pain

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I associate pain as a negative thing. I also think that every time I’m told no, it’s because I did something wrong or there is something wrong with me. I think that if God closes a door on something in my life – a relationships, a leadership opportunity or a job—it’s because I’m not good enough or I did something wrong. False. Lie. God does everything for our good. He closes doors to open other ones, and often it’s not because we did something wrong, it’s because He has something better for us. I was reading through my journal from first semester and I came across something that struck me as odd. I said to God, “You’re saying no so You can say an even better yes in the future.” I almost always want a yes in the present; I lack the patience and the trust to wait for the better yes. The immediate satisfaction of eating a candy bar in my head is better than losing weight or better health in the future. I am so impatient that I often don’t want the growth. I want the immediate results.

Thankfully, God doesn’t think like me. God knows what’s best for us – even if it’s painful. Our society has decided that pain is a bad thing. And don’t get me wrong, it’s not comfortable, however, a lot of us will go out of our way to avoid pain, even if that means avoiding God. I am in no way saying that loving God equal pain, it is joyful and satisfying, however, there will be times when God needs to get you to the next level of maturity and that can be painful. I know in my life, I avoid the pain, I avoid the growth and in turn, I avoid God because I don’t view Him as good when I’m hurting. In my human brain, pain is a bad thing and therefore nothing good can come from it and it should be avoided at all costs. Jesus Himself suffered and endured pain. He knew coming to earth and dying on the cross wasn’t going to be a vacation, but He saw the reward as outweighing the pain. Perhaps I can start to see my growth the same way. The pain I experience as part of the maturing process is nothing compared to the eternal glory I will receive and the privilege it is to be made more and more into the image of Christ. In growing, I am being stripped of myself and Christ is greater reflected in my life.

As I start to process through my sophomore year of college, there’s been pain and struggle, but most of all there has been growth. God closed some doors in my life and said some no’s, but it is because of it that I’m the woman I am today. I’m stronger now that I was in September. I’m stronger now that I was in January. Hebrews 11:1 says, “Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.” I don’t always see the ways that God is working, but I can know that He is indeed working. In saying no, God has asked me to have faith that I will see the yes’s He has in store for me. I have some growing to do before I’m ready, and that’s okay; I’m a work in progress. So thank You God for loving me enough to let me experience pain; for caring so much about my growth You allow me to struggle. Give me the faith to know that You are good, even when I can’t seem to see it.

Hurt

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My feelings usually rock me to my core. I feel sadness, betrayal, hurt, happiness, job and peace very strongly. My heart is a very big, sensitive one and it breaks over the littlest things. I so easily give it away to people and to causes, often times bringing myself pain along the way. I find pleasure in the small things – ice cream, shenanigans between friends, mixed berry skittles, having random dance parties, but I also tend to take things very personally and I experience pain very deeply; I cry at least once a week. However, God gave me the big, huge heart that I have. My sin has put me through some crap in the past year, so that I could grow and so I could trust God to comfort me. God gave me my heart and has allowed me to feel and experience what I have, not only to draw me closer to Him, but to be able to love on people around me even better.

This weekend, I had some time to feel hurt. Because I get so frustrated with my emotions and my sensitive heart, my first inclination when I start feeling something is to get frustrated with myself. It’s as though I believe that God is not present in my pain. However, God is as present in my pain as He is in my joy. In Genesis 48, God says to Joseph “I know, my son, I know”. And at the end of Matthew 28, Jesus says, “Surely I am with you always.” When times get yucky, God doesn’t run from us; instead, He’s there to wipe away our tears when we cry. As I started to get angry at myself for feeling things, God in a way slapped me in the face and said, pause, you’re forgetting what’s true. He said, “it breaks my heart to see you hurting. I want you to know that you are truly loved. You are never second best, you, Caitlin, are my daughter.” It’s realizing those truths that comfort me. When we are in pain, God is in pain, but He’s willing to allow us to feel that pain to grow and heal us.

A very dear friend said me last night, “God allows us to feel things. It’s not bad to feel.” Amen. God allows me to feel hurt and pain so I can remember where I’ve come from and where I’m headed. It’s easy to trust God when everything is going well, but to trust Him when time are yucky and when our hearts are hurting is more difficult… but it makes us stronger. God allows me heart to break and for me to experience pain so that I can grow closer to Him. He wants to be the center of my life and redeem every area & sometimes that means that He needs me to hurt in order to make this happen.

Completion

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Every once in a while I get really down on myself. I find myself struggling with the same sin issues, ones that I feel like I’ve moved past. I feel like a grown woman on a diet who gets super frustrated every time she eats something she know she shouldn’t eat. I get really frustrated with myself, and then the self-condemnation sets in. I try not to let what people say to me directly affect me, but I fail. I internalize criticism, even if I don’t agree with it, I let it affect me – in a way condemning myself. This is not what the Lord wants for me. This is me ignoring my identity in Christ.

Being free from sin means that I am no longer a slave to my sin (Galatians 5:1). That means I’m free from condemnation… including self-condemnation. I am a work in progress; Praise God I’ve seen the work He’s done to bring me where I am today. It has not been painless, but it has brought freedom. God will not quit on me; He will bring me to completion (Philippians 1:6). In fact, during the most growing times, I’ve seen God’s provision and felt Him holding my hand more than ever. Only God can bring me to completion and only in His time. Sometimes this makes me anxious, partially because I am impatient. I like to see results now. I want to accomplish everything now. God has shown me this semester that He sees the big picture and His timing is perfect. In the mean time, I will be grateful for where He has brought me from. I will rejoice in the freedom I’m living in today, fully aware that in due time, God will liberate me from even more strongholds in my life. The process will never be over … until I die & then I’ll be free to love Jesus for eternity.

Held Together by Him

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To those on the outside, my life may seem pretty put together. And most days, it can be, but it is not my own power or strength that this is the case. I am a broken little sinner in desperate need of a savior; mine comes in the form of Jesus Christ. Since I got back from spring break, and this whole semester, I’ve realized how easy it is for it to look that I keep myself together – that it’s based on my power that I do what I do with a smile on my face. On days that I try to do things by my own power, I usually roll my eyes, complain and say things that are not of God.

Colossians 1:17 says of Christ, “He is before all things, and in him all things hold together”. The same is true of my life. Without the power of the Holy Spirit and the example and love of Jesus, I would not be the person I am today. The relationships I have with people, while I love them, I could not love them well without Jesus. In Christ, my life is held together. In Christ, I have it all together. In Christ I am complete.

Sometimes in my life, I try to do things on my own power. I try to serve people myself, but unless I’m asking God how to best serve them, I fail. I’ve been asking God to show me the balance of embracing my brokenness without celebrating it; in being vulnerable without crossing boundaries. It is a difficult balance. My flesh tends to celebrate my brokenness and cross boundaries – not always pointing people to Jesus. I don’t have my life together. I didn’t have my life together a year and a half ago when I became a Christian. The beauty of Jesus is that He alone can keep me together. He alone can perfect and complete me. When I’m confident of this, and walking in this truth, I’m so much more able to acknowledge the broken little mess that I am, but celebrate the way that He is constantly remaking me.