On Seasons Ending

Moving into Indianapolis and settling into Apartment 2A was the first adult decision I made for myself.

Most of college ending and the summer that followed are blurry in my mind, but the moments I do remember are so vivid. Victoria and I sat in the parking lot of River Crossing waiting for our scheduled apartment tour for almost twenty minutes. While we sat in the car, we chatted about the little stuff – when she was going to get a spray tan for her 24th birthday, what I had recently purchased at J.Crew, and we also talked about the big stuff. We were both dealing with some confusion towards God and splintered hearts, and it felt so good to be able to hear someone say, “I know what you’re going through, and it’s going to get better.” As we walked through the vacant three bedroom apartment, trying not to seem too excited, we dreamed of the events we could hold at our apartment and the new and old relationships that the space could foster. We decided that this was the place for us.

In the two years since we moved in, painted accent walls, hosted too many parties to count, studied the book of James, danced in the kitchen, cried on the couches, and tried on clothes in my closet, I’m moving out. I’m leaving the place where I started to build my life. I’m leaving part of myself in that space, in the sweet and painful memories, but taking so much more of myself into this new season, and into a new home.

There will be new kitchen dance parties, new traditions to create, new memories to make, new friends to care for and a new (shorter!) commute to and from work. There will be new parts of myself I am able to discover and new rhythms to establish.

I know all these things, and yet I’m mourning Apartment 2A. In may ways, it was the line I drew in the sand and said there’s no turning back now. It’s been a defining season mixed with decisions I made and others made for me culminating one big decision – to step into adulthood here in Indianapolis trusting God to mold me into the woman He wanted me to be. It was here that I held out my shaking hands before the Lord and said, “Here’s my life, every messy piece of it, use it for Your glory.”

It was here that I learned that surrender isn’t always done with arms held confidently in the air, but it does mean that there’s no going back. To how things used to be or who you used to be.

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When You’re the One Who Needs Grace

“I just love relationships. I love being a friend,” I said to my best friend over breakfast on a past Saturday morning.

She nodded and responded, “I know you do, Cate.”

I thrive off the energy of others. I long for deep conversations. I love the security of long-lasting friendship. Connecting with others brings me abundant joy. Of my many identities I have, my favorite is that of a daughter of God. My second favorite is that of a friend.

Some seasons of life are full of connection – vacations, happy hours, breakfasts, and more. These are my best seasons. These are when I thrive.

The harder ones for me are where my priorities must be reshuffled, and friendship cannot be the most important. This summer I had both. A week-long vacation with some of my best friends gave way to change at work and family health concerns. As hard as I fought to maintain normal relationship rhythms while traveling to and from Cincinnati three times in a month, for up to 6 days at a time, there was distance between me and the friend I so desperate try to be.

In the gap between what I want to be true of me and reality, guilt and shame can take root. I begin to beat myself up for not being the person my friends need me to be. This does not just happen in seasons of lackluster friendships, but in how I spend my money, my work performance, the food I eat, my exercise routine, and anywhere else that I fail to meet my own expectations. In that gap between what I want to be true and what is actually true, if I’m not careful, I let my own feelings of inadequacy breed insecurity and isolate me from those I care about most.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. Regardless of what secondary identities I hold, I can rest in my most important role – Daughter of God.

In Christ, there is no condemnation. There is no place for guilt or shame in the life of a Christ-follower. When I allow these feels to take over, I’m telling Jesus that the work that He did on the cross wasn’t quite enough. There are seasons when I will be a great friend, a great daughter, a great eater, a great runner, a great writer and a great workers. Usually they don’t ever happen at the same time… But, I will never be perfect. And that’s okay. Because my identity is not just that of any of those roles.

When I remember where my identity lies, and I’m in a season of needing grace, because I’m busy and working out isn’t the priority, or because family life brings me to Cincinnati and I’m not in Indianapolis on the weekends, or I’m in the middle of moving and life (and my temper) are all over the place, I can accept the grace that has already been given to me. Only when I remember that I’m first and foremost God’s can I receive the grace I so desperately desire.

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Monday Lovin’

I’ve lived in my apartment for just over 2 years, so I forgot just how intense moving can be. This weekend involved packing, coordinating with my new roommates to drop boxes off, unpacking boxes at the new house and cleaning. It has taken over my life. The official move date isn’t even until next Saturday. Lord, give me strength. In order to distract from the craziness of moving, I’m sharing what I’m loving right now.

  1. I don’t do well with season changes. It’s taken me years to realize that as the temperatures cool down or warm up, I slide into a little bit of a funk. My body and emotions feel heavy constantly. I compare it to mild seasonal depression, but instead of it lasting a season, it’s just a few weeks. As the weather evens out and settles into a new normal, I, too, stabilize. I know this about myself, thankfully. So what’s a girl to do when the weeks are hard? Starbucks. While I significantly cut back on my Starbucks consumption over the summer, I don’t need it just for the caffeine, but for a little reward. I made it through another day of transition, so yay!
  2. Saturday morning’s weather was dreary so my plan of a long run outside changed. After a short indoor workout, I headed to Target. In my group of friends, I’ve trademarked Target Adventures. They’re basically trips to Target with no agenda, just wandering through the aisles, thinking and dreaming. Since I’m moving, it was fun to walk up and down aisles thinking about rooms at the new place, but not letting myself buy anything immediately.
  3. Fall brings football. I wait all year to spend Sundays on the couch watching football. It’s basically the best. The Colts are off to a rough start, but hopefully they can rebound tonight.
  4. IMG_4630Our church has our first social event in our new building. On the church property, there is a silo left over from when the land was a farm. On Sunday night, we had a Social at the Silo. It was a blast to see our church family together. I loved spending time with two of my friends. We ate a lot of food and got to catch up on life. We ended the evening with 17 baptisms. Such a celebration!

I’m starting this Monday with anticipation for what this week holds. We have our first meeting for my November trip to India, I’m starting a Bible Study on 1 John and moving the rest of my stuff to the new place.

Have a great week!

Stick With Me

My roommate is an excellent athlete. She’s a crossfitter and a runner – a great runner. Since she’s moved in, we’ve gone running several times together. Even on my best day, when I’m in good shape, hydrated, and ready to run, she is significantly faster than me. But, when we go running together, she runs as a pace more comfortable for me. On our runs, she pushes me to run a slightly faster pace than I would on my own, but not too fast that I’m unable to finish. When I want to give up, she slows the pace slightly, enough for me to catch my breath, and then we pick it up again. She refuses to leave me behind, even if I want her to.

August was a difficult month. I returned back from a great vacation with best friends to some changes at work and health issues in my family. I went from the top of the mountain to the valley in a matter of days; things were moving so fast that my neck experienced whiplash. I didn’t have time to process through any of what was happening or how I felt. I just had to keep moving.

In order to keep moving, I took steps away from God. Hiding behind excuses of busyness and exhaustion, I did not open my Bible much. When I did take time to pray, it was a quick moment of exhaling in the midst of completing other tasks. It all felt so heavy, and my strength was wearing thin. I willed myself to just keep moving, not stopping because I was afraid that if I stopped, even for a minute, I wouldn’t be able to start again. But I wasn’t really moving in any direction.

Even when I slowed my pace, God did not allow me to distance myself from Him. It was as if He was saying, “Come on, Caitlin, just walk a little closer, pick up your pace ever so slightly. I wouldn’t leave you behind.” My overwhelmed heart and I did our best to keep up, listening to the promises that we would never be left or forsaken.

At about mile two of running with my roommate, I usually want to send her off ahead of me. The effort it takes to stay at the pace that we’ve set feels overwhelming and I want to slow down into a more comfortable motion for me. Plus, I don’t want to slow her down. But she doesn’t let me. She slows with me, and allows me to catch my breath. She’s determined not to leave me behind, no matter how hard I try to push her to do exactly that.

As everything around me has felt out of sync, God has been the ultimate running partner. When my weary heart has tried to quit, slow down or go off in the wrong direction, He pulls me back. When the pace is unknown or just plain uncomfortable, He has drawn me closer to himself.

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Monday Lovin’: Fall Fashion

 

September is here with it’s cooler temperatures and breeze in the air. I’m a summer lover, so this transition can be difficult for me. To make it a little bit easier, I try to focus on the fun stuff that fall has to offer: the ability to run in the middle of the afternoon without worrying about humidity, not looking like a crazy person when I order a hot latte at Starbucks, eating yummy soups, laying on the couch watching football and the focus of today’s blog – new clothing options. Some of my favorite fall staples are already hanging in my closet, others are sitting in my online shopping carts (the dream cart) waiting for a sale or next paycheck.

  1.  J.Crew Field Jacket: Confession time, I have the J.Crew Field Jacket in two colors and I want the third. It’s the perfect fall piece, but also transitions well into winter and back into spring. It’s a casual alternative to a blazer and a dressier version of a windbreaker. Hint: the Mossy Brown looks more like army green and goes with EVERYTHING.
  2. Flannel Shirts: Versatility is important to me. Before making a purchase, I want to make sure that the item can be worn in different settings – work, church and fun. Flannels can usually do just that. Layer them under a blazer with pearls and it’s business casual. Pair them with holey jeans and a puffer vest for a casual weekend look. Looking for a Sunday football outfit? Look no further than leggings, a flannel and riding boots; you’ll look like you made an effort, but you’ll feel like you’re in pajamas – trust me. Buffalo check flannels are fun, but my personal favorite of the season this far is this bold guy that’s already hanging in my closet.
  1. Special Occasion Dress: Even though my body does well in an a-line or fit and flare dress, I am increasingly eager to step outside my comfort zone with looser fitting dresses or a shift dress. I have enough basics in my closet, so I’m drawn to bright, bold and sometimes unlikely options. You usually can’t go wrong with Anthropologie dresses; this one is a great pattern, fun fall colors and an easy fit. While you’re over at the Anthropologie website, their sale dresses are beautiful to look at, and usually at a more affordable price point. If you’re looking for a shift dress option, this J.Crew sleeveless lace shift dress is a great investment piece. It can be worn year round and dressed up or down. I personally love the bright ocean color, but all three colors are rich and would pair well with a field jacket and riding boots. It’s a perfect dress to attend a fall wedding, and the Navy/Black color could serve double duty for the holiday season.
  1. Casual Dress: I can usually count on Old Navy for a basic fall dress each year. The dresses don’t necessarily last more than a year – the fabric doesn’t hold up, the color fades or the shape changes, but for the price, that’s usually okay for me. Old Navy’s fit and flare dresses aren’t all made equal, but this year, I found a great fit for me. The black one is my favorite, I can’t wait for all the ways I can wear it this fall and winter. Hint: wait for an Old Navy dress sale.
  2. Boots: My roommate is a big fan of booties. My legs don’t do well in them. So I wouldn’t give specific recommendations for boots, but Nordstrom and DSW both have excellent options, and I’m confident there’s something for everyone. Don’t do what I’ve done in years past and wait until December to buy boots – the good sizes will be gone, and you’ll be disappointed. Even if it feels early in the season for boots, now is the time to shop.

I’d love to hear what you’re loving this fall! What’s at the top of your list of things to buy?

Monday Lovin’

July was a full month. Full of the beautiful and rich, but also full of the scary and uncertain. It has been a hard summer to get into a routine, which is why the writing has been so inconsistent. So I’m choosing to show up today, on Monday with an update about what I’m lovin’.

  1. TJ Maxxx: I LOVE to shop! I can spend money almost anywhere. But more than buying new things, I love the shopping experience. I enjoy walking around, seeing what options exist and trying on fun things. Plus, the prices are even better!
  1. Friends: Lots and lots of Friends. When life is heavy, I need some light television to unwind. Friends has been a perfect way to occupy my mind. Note for the wise: Friends is hard television show to watch while working out – it’s double duty on your abs.
  1. Sweet potatoes: My roommate introduced me to sweet potatoes. Cut into bite sized pieces, add olive oil, salt and pepper and cook at 400 for at least 20 minutes/until they’re soft. They’re filling, cheap and a great addition to any meal. I’m always looking for new food staples.
  1. Reading: All the books. I want them. Half Priced Books and Amazon have been favorites this summer as I’ve tried to fill myself up with good stuff. I’ll put out a list of my favorite books of the summer later this month, since the summer isn’t really over yet, even though all the kids are headed back to school.

I’m hoping to write more this month, so hopefully I’ll be back on Thursday with some thoughts.

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Monday Lovin’

It is July 13th and I’m posting my first blog post of the month, which breaks my heart. I love to write. I like the pounding of my fingers on the keyboard, and the discplines it cultivates in me to write consistently. When I unintentionally take a hiatus from writing, I start to believe the lie that I since I haven’t been writing consistently, I should not try to start again now. When I hear friends repeat this same lie to me about working out, I chuckle because we all know it’s not true, while it’s hard to start, and even harder to start again, if it’s something that is important to you and helps you be more you, you should always start again. Always. So I’m back today, with Monday Lovin’, nothing terribly exciting, but just like running, you have to put one foot in front of the other and start moving.

1. My clean eating roommates are wearing off on me. I have been grocery shopping weekly, meal planning and absolutely loving the way that real food makes me feel. meal planning also makes eating throughout the week more fun. The temptation to eat out decreases when I am looking forward to my packed lunch in the fridge!

2. I hit the jackpot at Target’s clearance section over the weekend. Two bathing suit separates for $6.86 each. I haven’t bought a full priced swimsuit all year, and probably wouldn’t. It helps that I love to mix and match, and sometimes don’t even care if the bottom and top completely match. I love finding great deals, especially on fun things right before vacation.

3. I can’t stop reading lately. Saturday, my roommates were away and read almost all day long. I’ve read some good books, and some ones that are harder to get through. Currently on my bed side table: The Me You Want To Be (John Ortberg), Savor (Shauna Niequist) and No Man Is An Island (Thomas Merton) — I recommend all three! They all address some similar themes, which makes it fun to read at the same time.

The more perfectly we are ourselves the more we are able to contribute to the good of the Whole Church of God.

-Thomas Merton

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4. I spent the 4th of July in Chicago. Fun fact about Caitlin: I’ve only ever spent the 4th in two places: Bethany Beach, DE and Chicago, IL. For real. Last weekend we had so much fun renting bikes and doing our own bike tour, eating good food, visiting Binny’s, going to the beach, and watching the fireworks from a speed boat off of Navy Pier. I left the city with a full heart; thankful for yet another weekend of making memories with sweet friends.

5. It’s easy to make fun of people who use selfie sticks to take photographs of themselves. Until you use one yourself. My selfie stick allowed us to document every stop on our Chicago adventure last weekend. It also reminds me not to take life too seriously!

I’ll hopefully back on Thursday with reflections of my mini-capsule wardrobe experience. I hope you have an excellent week!

Wednesday’s Words

When the words don’t come easily to me, I dive deep into the words of others. I’m six books into my summer challenge of reading ten books this summer, and I haven’t even gone on vacation yet. Here’s what I’m loving right now:

  • Soul Keeping, by John Ortberg. Yes, just, yes. We must remove hurry from our lives in order to bring life to our souls. For so long I’ve viewed the soul as a spiritual thing, not overtly biblical. Ortberg reminds me that loving the Lord with my whole soul is the part of the Greatest Commandment. My roommate is already calling this a “must read,” after borrowing it off my shelf.
  • The Finishers, by Roger Hershey and … This book was given to me two years ago when I graduated from college. Many friends received it too, but when I’ve asked them if they’ve read it, they hadn’t picked it up either. Truly, one of my favorite reads this year. It has forced me to wrestle with calling and mission in a challenging yet affirming way.
  • The Next Culture War, by David Brooks. While he admits to being to the left of social conservatives on all issues, he does a great job validating the need for social conservatives in today’s culture to provide stability and definition. Today’s society is radically different from sixty years ago, and instead of fighting to take culture back there, we, as social conservatives, many of whom call ourselves Christians, must find a better way to engage and serve our communities. Public shaming and loud debate is less productive that building relationships on a local level, and providing our Biblical opinions where appropriate. I would challenge Brooks though, because this is already happening, it is just overshadowed by social media commentary.
  • Famous, by Sarah Bessey. Oh boy, this was a great one! Sarah Bessey may be in my top five favorite authors. Her book, her blog, her Facebook statuses and Instagram posts. I love her writing. This piece addressed several conversations I have had with friends in the past few months about fame and ambition. She says, “the line between “making Jesus famous” and “making ourselves famous for Jesus” is whisper thin.” It is indeed. The word fame can easily be substituted for successful, respected, and known. This blog reminds of the glory in the ordinary,and in the midst of office days, cleaning my apartment and meal prep, I need to be reminded of that. God isn’t impressed by fame, He is honored by obedience.

I’d love to hear what you’ve been reading!

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Monday Lovin’

This weekend kicked off a full month of fun, with only one weekend that will be spent in Indianapolis. Which is good, but I am slightly tired just thinking about it. A friend and I drove to Cincinnati on Friday to see Beth Moore speak live. We also spent time with my family and had great conversations in the car.

  1. Beth Moore was phenomenal! I cannot speak highly enough of the chance to see her live. The love Jesus demonstrates towards us is scandalous. From the very beginning. This past week in discipleship, we discussed the birth of Christ and how the Angel Gabriel appeared to Mary. A woman pregnant out of wedlock. Scandal. Beth said this weekend, “We’re often too well behaved for our Bibles.” God’s story is powerful, full of adventure and drama, only the good kind of course. He doesn’t demand good behavior out of me, He demands faith, which is harder, and may be less defined. May I be brave enough to follow God in faith, wherever that may lead.
  2. My mom is doing a switcheroo of rooms at their house. Which means that my old bedroom furniture is being sold. When I was at home this weekend, I went through a lot of mementos that she had pulled of drawers in order to decide what to keep and what could go. I relived high school memories with a college and post-grad best friend. Favorites: my bright pink stilettos worn to senior homecoming, a water gun from junior year of college and key chains from several Asian vacation destinations collected while we lived overseas. I am thankful for such special memories.
  3. I love Myers-Briggs. The host of a podcast that I’ve started listening to is obsessed with Myers-Briggs, too, which has encouraged me to retest myself. This long-time ENFJ is actually an ENFP. It has been enlightening to realize that the way I process information can be draining. ENFPs are often the wide-view lens and able to make connections across many different things, but they also can’t turn their brains off. I highly recommend the test at 16 Personality Types.

This evening has been full of Matt Kearney music, book reading, tea drinking and couch laying. So good. It’s the ordinary moments that cultivate such deep gratitude in my heart. 

Monday Lovin’

Happy Monday! It’s been a rainy, cloudy week in Indianapolis. Which means this weekend was full of rest, Blacklist watching and book reading. I even took a nap on Saturday – I cannot remember the last time that happened! One more week before my favorite holiday, and only a four-day work week. It is a good discipline to share a few of my favorite things with you each Monday.

1) Trader Joe’s may be my new favorite place to shop. That is saying a lot for a clothing addict. There are not too many choices that I feel overwhelmed, but enough choices that it makes meal-planning fun. I am confident making healthy decisions at Trader Joe’s, even if I buy fun snacks (Cowboy Bark), too. Also, meal planning makes cooking fun – who knew?

2) Nothing makes me feel more grown up than furniture shopping. Two years ago, when I moved into my first apartment in Indianapolis, there was decorative table that I wanted, but it wasn’t in my (very small) budget. It is still a splurge, but 30% off at Target, and a slightly larger budget made it possible. In September, I’m moving in a new place, so I’m slowly but surely building a collection of furniture so that where I live feels like home.

3) Binge watching Blacklist with my roommates is a current hobby of mine. Each episode I say, “Oh my gosh,” “What the heck,” and “I can’t even,” at least twice, but we keep going. We are a little bit addicted, and that may be the understatement of the summer.

4) Friday after work, I had an ice cream date and Target adventure with old, but best friend. We recalled the goodness of God and talked through what we hope the future holds. There is comfort in a friend who has seen the good, bad and ugly. If you live in Indianapolis, and haven’t tried Handles Ice Cream, what are you waiting on?

I will be back on Wednesday sharing my favorite reads lately. Here’s to hoping for a good week!

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