Category: Faith

“I Will Be With You”

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I’m in the season of job searching and prayerfully considering what the Lord has for me next year. I’m struggling because I feel like I’m not qualified for the things I want to be doing, or that I’m years off from actually doing what I feel like I’m called to do. I find myself asking God to remind me that I’m qualified for certain things, and expecting a pep talk much like the ones my parents would give me in high school. As I read through Exodus 3, I was taken about by words that the Lord spoke to Moses. The Lord appears to Moses through a burning bush and calls him to lead the Israelites in Egypt. Moses’ response to God is very human, and I think I might have a similar one. He says to God, “Who am I, that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?”(Verse 11). I’m expecting to keep reading and hear God tell Moses what unique qualifications Moses has that makes him perfect for this job, much like my parents would tell me before I went to soccer try-outs or ran for a position in National Honor Society. Instead, “God said, ‘I will be with you’ (verse 12). Wow. All that qualified Moses to lead the Israelites out of Egypt and to eventual freedom is that God is with him.

There is nothing that qualifies for me for anything except the fact that God is with me. I don’t need a pep talk, I just need God — He will rise to any occasion and never leave or forsake me.

My First Love

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At the end of my first semester of my sophomore year, our Cru leadership team met and divided into men and women for dinner. At dinner, a female staff member asked all the women in regards to our ministry, “are you tired in it, or are you tired of it?” As I internalized my feelings from that semester, all I could think of was, I’m completely tired of it; I’m tired of the meetings, I’m tired of follow-ups and I’m just plain tired. My honest voice answered the question, “I’m tired of it, and will there ever be a time when I’m not?” After that semester, I felt hopeless that I would ever enjoy ministry. I entered into my sophomore year with really high expectations and a bundle of energy, but sixteen weeks later, I felt beat up and ready to quit. This moment has become one of the most defining ones of my college career, a moment to which I tell girls about all the time. I am reminded that if I’m tired of it, it being the ministry God has called me to, then I’m probably not doing it with for the right reasons.

Last week was rough. As I drove home to Cincinnati for the weekend, I cried because I felt beat up; I felt like I was holding on to a bumper of a moving car, but I didn’t know where the car was going or why I wanted to hold on so badly.  I took the weekend to rest and asked Jesus over and over again what am I doing and why am I doing it? What should this semester look like if I’m following close after you? Gradually I realized I was asking the wrong questions and trying to fix the wrong problem. The problem wasn’t, “am I doing the right ministry?” but instead, am I letting Jesus be the Lord of every part of my life. In Revelation 2, John writes to the church of Ephesus, “I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I now that you cannot tolerate wicked men, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them to be false. You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love” (Revelation 2:2-4). Yes, good deeds and perseverance matter, but not more than loving Jesus. My ministry is secondary to my identity as a follower of Christ. Focusing on Jesus, moment by moment, is the only way any of my life makes sense. Jesus is my first love, not Cru, or any other ministry. Cru is simply one of the ways I get to serve Jesus in response to all that He has done for me. The second I stop focusing on Jesus, everything goes down hill. In Him it all holds together (Colossians 1:17). In Him I will bear much fruit, apart from Him I can do nothing (John 15).

My prayer is that I never lose sight of my first love; that Jesus be the center and the motivation for everything that I do. I am first and foremost a daughter of Christ that has to shape my every thought, action and word.

By Faith

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I had a melt down in Ikea earlier this week. Like had shortness of breath and starting crying. Over a dresser. Let me tell you a secret, dressers don’t matter in the big scheme of my life. At all. But, the dresser was the last piece of furniture I needed before I went back to Bloomington, for my senior year, my last year at IU. That’s scary. For a 21 year old with no direction in her life, the idea of college ending is enough to induce a panic attack.

Post meltdown, I’ve calmed myself down a lot, but there’s still some anxiety. The thought of where am I going to be this time next year wouldn’t leave my head. I may be spending my last night at home (living here) tonight. And while I know I should be excited for my senior year, I can’t push the uncertainty out of my head. When I was a little baby freshman at IU, I had the stupid idea that by this time in my life, I would have some idea what I wanted to do with my life. Oh boy was I wrong. Three years later, I have some ideas, but nothing concrete.

So, what’s a girl to do? Well, the logical side of my brain tells me that I should figure it out. But then there’s the other side… I don’t know what I’ll call it, but it’s not very logical (this is probably the dominant side of my brain… I like feelings and people… not logic). As I was getting ready to head back to IU after Easter last spring, I was having a very hard time, but the Lord reminded me of something really cool. Hebrews 11 has long been one of my favorite chapters of the Bible; it talks about all the greats of Christianity – Abraham, Moses, Noah, Rahab and many others. The thing that’s striking about it, is that the author (who is unknown) starts a lot of the sentences the same.

By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God’s command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible.  (Verse 3)

By faith Abel offered God a better sacrifice than Cain did. By faith he was commended as a righteous man, when God spoke well of his offerings. And by faith he still speaks, even though he is dead. (Verse 4)

By faith Enoch was taken from this life, so that he did not experience death, he could not be found, because God had taken him away. (Verse 5)

By faith Noah, when warned about things not yet seen, in holy fear built an ark to save his family. By his faith he condemned the world and became heir of righteousness that comes by faith. (Verse 7)

By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going. By faith he made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country, he lived in tents so did Isaac and Jacob, who were heirs with him of the same promise. (Verses 8 & 9)

I could keep going to verse 31, but for the sake of space, I’ll stop. As I re-read the words today, I got tears in my eyes. All of these people did what they did by faith. The first verse of the chapter defines faith, “now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we can not see” (Hebrews 11:1). Wow. This is the mindset and heart-set I want as I approach this year. I want to head back to Bloomington by faith and with faith that God is going to show up, not only this semester and this year, but with how to plan for next year and the next chapter of my life.  I hope that the Lord will reveal this to me, but more than that, I know He’s good. He hasn’t failed me yet.

Stories of His Writing

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Eight years ago, I attended a summer camp called Summer of Service through the Vineyard Community Church in Cincinnati. This camp was dedicated to showing God’s love in a practical way. I was going into 8th grade, I had been going to Catholic Church since I was born, but I can say without a doubt, that SOS was where I first heard about a personal relationship with Christ. It is during these 5 days that I was exposed to the reality of a God who was living and active. While I wanted to make a commitment to Christ during that week, and the same week a year later, I did not fully surrender my life… I didn’t know how.

Fast-forward five years. I was a freshman at Indiana University and God used two girls from the Vineyard Church in Indianapolis to show me that not only was a personal relationship with Christ possible, but it was something that I could have. I trusted Christ as my personal Lord and Savior during the fall of 2009, after numerous people had shared the Gospel with me, and I realized that being good, or my perception of good, was not going to get me anything.

As I sat in tonight’s session of SOS, where Beth Guckenberger, one of my favorite speakers and founder of the non-profit I’m working at this summer, spoke, I saw that God has written such a beautiful story for me. He has brought me so far. Even before I was walking with Him, He was carefully choosing my steps. Beth spoke tonight about something that had been on my heart all day and numerous times this summer – we don’t know what the next 10 years of our lives look like, we simply take the next step in faith that God will show up in big ways. It’s the small acts of obedience that the Lord works through and honors. I’m so thankful of the ways God has empowered me in the past 8 years to obey His will and His plan.

Not only do the many moments of experiencing God’s goodness and provision today remind me that my God does crazy things and will continue to write a beautifully unique story for my life, but it also gives me hope. It gives me hope that the people who I love most in my life, but don’t know Jesus will come to know Him; and when I do get discouraged, I hear Beth’s famous words in head saying, “the story isn’t over yet”.

Right Where He Wants Me

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When I thought about this summer, there was a feeling in the pit of stomach wondering if I way actually being obedient about coming back home for the summer, or if I was being a baby about not wanting to raise support again. Or take care of myself. Because on paper living on home seems easy. My parents pay for everything, I had a job to come back to, and it’s not hard to find a church in the city of Cincinnati – I can name 3 mega churches off the top of my head. I’ve had it drilled in my head that comfort is the opposite of faith – living with all my needs met does not force me to rely on God.

Then I moved home. And home is great. But it’s not super comfortable. Yes, I sleep in a comfortable bed every night, but I am daily dying to myself. I love my internship, but some days, it’s hard. Seeing the faces of orphan children breaks my heart, and interacting in donors can sometimes be difficult, and my back sometimes hurts from filing things. I get a great discount at J.Crew for working there, but working two jobs in exhausting, and I work with another Caitlin, two Katies and a Kait, so I rarely get credit for my sales, or make my sales goals. Plus, customers get annoyed when you ask them if they need help. But, I know I’m where God wanted me this summer.

Every time I fold a pile of clothes only to watch a customer immediately mess it up, I know I’m right where God wants me.

Every time I have a conversation with my eleven-year-old brother about Jesus, I know I’m right where God wants me.

Every time I eat lunch with the women from work at the “food and life table”, I know I’m right where God wants me.

Every time I sit down to spend time with the Lord without an ending time and no discipleship to plan for, I know I’m right where God wants me.

Every time I get to empty the dishwasher or run an errand for my mom, I know I’m right where God wants me.

Living missionally and depending on God amidst the uncertainty is easy – it’s all there is to do, but this summer, walking back into an environment that I lived in before walking with Jesus has been hard. It’s been humbling to realize that 16 year-old me might be disappointed with the 21 year-old version of me. I’ve lost some ambition, I didn’t stick to “the plan”, but that’s life. And each day I have to depend on Jesus to remind me why I’m here, and to tell me that I’m right where He wants me.

Brattiness

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This week, I started working at J.Crew. I love J.Crew, but at the end of my 7.5 hour internship, I’m usually not super excited about driving twenty minutes, selling and folding clothes for 4.5 hours. I knew that’s what this summer was going to be like, but I was in no way looking forward to it. The funny thing is, this has become the trend. I hear the Lord call me to something, I accept it, but then I stomp my feet the whole way there.

When I knew God was calling me to come home this summer and work two jobs, one unpaid, I accepted it. But I carried a chip on my shoulder. I ask God for opportunities to serve Him, but then when it’s not what I want, I throw a tempter tantrum. I even try to get myself out of it. The night I got home from Bloomington, I had a nice little breakthrough… I’m not home because it’s necessarily what I wanted to do. I’m home by faith. But that whole it not being exactly what I wanted to do doesn’t mean I get to cuss God out every time something is difficult. Me being home by faith is more than just the action of moving home, it’s the delighting in what the Lord has for me in this season. Even when it’s doing research during the day and folding clothes at night.

Last night, when I got to work, I was greeted by a friend who I truly enjoy and has a heart for Jesus. And less than 30 minutes into my shift, I was able to make a new friend who also loves Jesus, and spent the last 4 months serving in Africa. I chuckled a little bit as I surrendered my pride to the Lord. I was reminded how much the Lord loves me – He met me in my stubborn brattiness and reminded me that despite the pity party I had been throwing myself, He had been throwing a real party, I just had to leave mine and come to His. My prayer is that I stop stomping my feet the time because as I keep finding, this whole living by faith thing is work giving it my all, not just my half-assed effort because I’ve wasted the rest complaining.

To Whom Shall I Go?

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This week has been rough. Like super strugglebus, I just want to be off of it. There’s some sin that I want to see disappear, like have my brain not even see it as an option. As rough as it’s been, I’m feeling very much like Simon Peter in John 6. After Jesus makes numerous claims, many of his followers left him feeling like the expectations were too high. And let’s be honest, some days I feel the same way. Life is hard. But, Jesus turns to His twelve disciples and says “You do not want to leave too, do you?” and Simon Peter’s response is “Lord, to whom shall we go?”  (John 6:67-68). Right now I’m at my breaking point, I haven’t been able to stop crying, but despite the temptation, I’m not going to walk away because I have no where to go.

I have no idea what the next step in a lot of the crap I’m struggling through is, but I know that I am more loved that I can ever imagine. Despite the fact that I feel like I’m drowning, I know I serve a good God. I’ve seen His goodness, I see His goodness even on the days like yesterday and today when I can’t stop crying and because of that I can’t walk away. It’s only Tuesday and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and wish the week away, but that’s not what God wants of me right now. In all the crap, I’m having to depend on God in so many new ways, but as I told my discipler today, if this is part of God getting me to rely on Him for constant strength I take it. I’ll take the tears and the heartache if it makes God more famous and more exalted in my life. Even if I had the option of skipping the sanctification, I still choose it because as Simon Peter said, “To whom shall we go”?

My prayer is that I’m constantly reminded of my desperate need for a savior. I can’t do it on my own. Surrender is something that requires the Holy Spirit. Sanctification sucks. But that’s the only route I’m willing to take because Jesus said I’m worth in His brutal death on the cross. He chose me, so I’ll choose Him back. Even when it’s not easy. Even when praying and communion with Him means more tears. He said I’m worth it and I’m going to attempt to believe it, today and tomorrow … and hopefully the next day too.

Friends

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Life is hard. Even when life is beautiful, it’s still hard. There are days where crying seems like the only option, even knowing that all of God’s promises are still true. This year has been difficult and pulled me in a million directions. God has been faithful, and one of the million ways He has been faithful has been in giving me amazing friends.

I had good friends in high school, several that I still consider to be my friends, but I did not have a solid friend group – in fact, there are only a couple of girls I still keep in contact with. But, since coming to college, I hit the friend jackpot. And the beautiful thing is, it has had nothing to do with me. I didn’t make the friends that are in Phi Mu, God gave me a pledge class that is wonderful – He hand selected each of us to be part of a special bond in a sorority. I have beautiful friends that I’ve met through Cru, but we some how found our ways into each other’s lives; a lot of us have little in common.

Through the trials that this year has brought, I’ve had amazing encouragement from the men and women in my life. Humor, tears and prayers have made the dark days brighter and even the best days a little bit better. I often get asked the question why I came to IU from Ohio. The truth is, God brought me here. While it did make a little bit of sense, I could have ended up anywhere. As could of each of my friends. But we ended up at Indiana University and in each other’s lives. My faith in God is strengthened by seeing my community and knowing that God weaved a perfect story together so we could be in each other’s lives. I don’t deserve to be loved by such awesome people – I am not a good friend, I’m critical, sarcastic and self-centered, but I experience the gospel on everyday when I’m loved by my friends because of God. Because God reached out to all of us first, we have the opportunity to love beyond our capacity, whether we know it or not.

I’ve experienced God’s love this year through my friends. I’m so thankful in knowing that this season of my life and future seasons will be filled of people God has hand picked to love me and to be loved by me. Even when life gets rough, which it inevitably will, I have friends willing to hold my hand and remind me that I’m being refined, and even when it’s hard, life is still beautiful.

Completely Unqualified

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In today’s culture, it gets really easy for people to believe they are qualified and entitled to things. I can list off my own achievements and talents in order to convince someone why I deserve leadership, advancement, or a job. As I start to look back over my past 2.5 years at IU (I still have 1.5 to go… I’m not a senior yet), I immediately think of all that I’ve achieved, or the leadership positions that I’ve held. I so quickly forget that I was never qualified for any of these positions – I never knew enough or had enough experience, instead I have a God who has shown His mercy on me many times.

Truth: I am qualified for death on a cross. My sins, in a fair world, should disqualify me, and everyone for that matter, from leading anyone, especially leading anyone into a deeper relationship with the Lord. No matter how many good things I do, I can never overcome my depravity.

Enter: Grace and Mercy. Because I have a God who loves me, He has given me so many opportunities to lead. He has equipped me with talents to make me success, but not for my own sake, instead He asks that I use everything that I’ve been given to bring glory to His name. Every time I get to watch the light bulb go on in someone’s head, watch one of my disciples wrestle through a difficult passage of scripture and get it, or I get to serve someone, it is out of God’s immeasurable grace. He knows I don’t deserve it.

In everything I achieve – and in every failure for that matter – my eyes should turn to My God, My Rescuer, My Redeemer, and My Savior. As I remember how many great opportunities I’ve been given in my time here at IU, I start to see all the more graceful God is. I haven’t deserved a single opportunity, but I’m so thankful for a God has uses me despite my inadequacies.

As Paul says in 1 Corinthians 2: 1-5, “When I came to you, brothers, I did not come with eloquence or superior wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God. For I resolved to now nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power, so that your faith might not rest on men’s wisdom, but on God’s power.”

Fighting

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Today is my 21st birthday. Which means that last night at midnight I turned 21 and went out for my first legal drink. I committed to one or two drinks, not enough to get me drunk. Confession time, it was really hard to say no to the shots people were offering to buy me. It was hard, in the heat of the moment to remember why I was even saying no. I wanted another drink and I couldn’t for the life of me remember why I was even fighting.

This morning, in class, we watched The Passion of the Christ, in my introduction to Christianity class. Throughout class, I heard gruesome details of the crucifixion and then watched a very realistic portrayal of it. Jesus was beat, He was mocked, and no one came to His rescue. Because He was my rescue. I am supposed to be on that cross, with nails through my hands and feet, and a crown of thorns in my head. It should be me. But it wasn’t. Because He came to my rescue. In trusting Christ, I said that He was enough for me, because His death on the cross said that I am enough. In saying that He is enough, I’ve chosen to make Him the Lord of my life. He calls the shots. He’s in charge. He sits on the throne.

Sitting in class brought everything full circle. I, for the past two years, have chosen not to drink because it is illegal and I am not above the law. God calls me not only to obedience in Him, but also obedience to the law of the land. And last night, it became legal for me to drink, so I did, but the Bible says, “do not get drunk on wine”. But sometimes, words aren’t enough for me. I need more. Jesus endured the cross, with JOY, I may add (Hebrews 12), to tell me that I am worthy of dying for, all I must do is make Him the Lord of my life and do everything I can to keep Him on the throne. This doesn’t mean falling into legalism, or striving, but simple acts of obedience, and sometimes sacrifice. Not getting drunk is the least I can do to keep Him on the throne; to keep me from getting in the way of what He is trying to do in my life. Anything that hinders my ability to submit to Jesus is a sin. Controlling what I eat, getting obsessed with materialthings, or getting drunk all do that. He has said that I am enough, I am worthy of eternal life because of His sacrifice. I will fight all the days of my life in gratitude of His death and the grace He has so freely given me, because He has found me, a broken little self-centered materialistic people-pleasing girl worthy of the ultimate gift – Himself.