Category: Faith

Waiting

Published on by Caitlin SnyderLeave a comment

I’m inpatient. But we all are. In our flesh at least. We’re impatient imperfect control freaks. Last night at prayer, most of us took at least an hour in silence waiting on God to move. And He did. In different ways in each of our hearts. Several verses came to me as I was meditating, but I could not bring myself to stop thinking about the idea of waiting.  My whole has been and will be about waiting for things. There are several things I’m waiting on now – a man of God to pursue me, God to tell me about what He has planned for my future and for God to wreck my family and show them how to live for Him, and Him alone. Essentially, I could be waiting on these things for years.

The question is, how will I wait for them? Will I put my hope in these things, waiting for my “life to start”? Will I worry and wait with anxiety, wanting them now and not rejoicing in the present? Or, will I wait in expectation, eagerly waiting to see the Lord work, but knowing that ultimately, God is here and now? I pray that I can do the latter because God is here. He is now. He is working, even when I can’t see it, or I can’t feel it.

I love food metaphors, English Club in Chicago forced me to get creative with how to describe Jesus things to international students, and it’s a habit I haven’t been able to break. Last night I started to realize that the things I’m waiting on are like the rainbow sprinkles on top of a wonderful ice cream sundae. Each thing I’m waiting on is like a singular sprinkle, just a tiny, minuscule topping on something already so beautiful and great. Yes, I just compared Jesus’ death on the cross and my salvation to an ice cream sundae… there’s freedom, right? God longs to give me good things, but not so that I can forget the great things He’s already given me.

So will I wait? Yes. Will I wait with joy? I pray that the Spirit empowers me to. Is the Lord worth waiting for? Without a doubt.

Phi Mu

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Sometimes, when I get discouraged, feel overwhelmed, or like I just can’t seem to make a difference, I think back to my freshman self, who was so eager to change the world. I wanted to change the Greek System, make into a place where sisterhood, brotherhood and philanthropy were the focus, not partying and popularity. As I set foot onto IU’s campus the fall of my sophomore year, I wondered if I could really change anything. I wondered if anyone actually cared about Jesus, or even about each other. This past week, through the recruitment process, I started to really reflect. Two years later, have I changed anything? I began to realize something – while I may have not changed a single thing, I’ve been changed.

I’ve been changed into a different woman because of how God has used Phi Mu in my life. My view of brokenness has changed. My view of myself as a sinner in need of a savior has changed. My view of Jesus has changed. My view of serving and loving others has changed. My view of compassion and what it looks like has changed. And I guess that’s the point. God’s purpose in me joining Phi Mu wasn’t for me to change Phi Mu, it was to let Phi Mu change me.

On prideful days, I start to boast in my head of all that I’ve done. On sad days, I start to feel like I haven’t done enough. But I remember back to Chicago and a conversation I had with my staff discipler. I can get so caught up in the doing, and she said to me, it’s not about doing ministry, it’s about transformation – being more molded into the image of Christ. Maybe I haven’t shared the Gospel to each of my sisters, but God has used my sorority to chisel away some of the yucky parts of my heart. He has used to point out sin in my life, and to test my view of and trust in Him.

So I guess the question I should ask myself is what would I be like without Phi Mu? I would not me. I simply can not imagine not having had the growth, the laughter and the tears that this place, these women and this sisterhood have given me.

Just Like the Inn Keeper

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Jesus was born in a manger because there was no room for Him in the inn. There was simply no room for the Savior of the world in an inn, so His mother gave birth to Him among animals. Sometimes I judge the inn keeper – my head says, “seriously, the woman was giving birth to the most important ever, couldn’t you make room?” And then I remember how much I have in common with the inn keeper. Looking back at him, it’s easy to say that he should have made space, but I often crowd Jesus out of my life. I say, through my words and behavior, that there’s simply no space in my day, or in my future plans for Him.

This does not mean that the things I spend my time with, or my plans for the future aren’t good things. The guests at the inn weren’t bad people, they just weren’t God. I so easily choose watching a DVD, spending time on Facebook, having a cool conversation, or working out over God. I cram my schedule so full that there’s simply no room for Jesus. And then I wonder why I feel so far from Him. I’m not discrediting the valleys of faith – or saying that God doesn’t work in dark seasons, I’d be the hugest hypocrite in the world, just ask me about my fall, but the truth is, He’s going to feel far when I keep Him at a distance. If I truly claim that Jesus Christ is not only my Savior, but also the Lord of my life, He deserves the best room in my inn, even if that means kicking something else out (those things that get kicked out are often referred to as idols). Yes, Jesus had to be born in a manger in order to fulfill thousand year old prophesies, but He was also born there because an inn keeper failed to see His importance. He failed to make space for Him because other things were more important. And so do I.

It Can Be Christmas Every Day

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On Christmas, Christians celebrate their savior’s, Jesus Christ, birth. It was on this day that God humbled Himself into human form and was born to a couple, in a manger because there was no room in the inn. At my grandfather’s Catholic church this morning, in the midst of the standing, the kneeling and the priest’s (the good-looking 26 year-old priest… may I add) homily, I really started to think about Christmas. There’s been a movement in American Christianity to “take back the season”, “keep Christ in Christmas”, and I completely understand this desire – this idea that we should be focusing on Christ – Him as the gift – during the holidays, not food, clothes and Santa, but are we still getting it wrong? Yes, Christ is the reason for the season, but isn’t He also the reason for life? Can’t it be Christmas everyday?

John 1 states, “In the beginning was the Word and Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made, without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it” (v. 1-5). Okay, there’s a lot in that. My finite brain can’t comprehend an infinite God, nor can I do this verse justice without theology background, but it’s quite clear to me that “the Word”, “He” and “Him” that these verses mention are Jesus. Jesus is not only the son of God, HE IS GOD. All through the Old Testament, prophecies point to this and the New Testament is full of evidence that proves this, even to a skeptic like me.

So Jesus Christ is God.  Jesus was born on Christmas, that should be celebrated, and it should, but His glory is something worthy of worship every day, not just December 25th or the month of December. Everyday. Because December 26th doesn’t change the fact that Jesus was born and eventually died to save sinners. I’m as much of a sinner on December 25th as I am on June 3rd, just like my sins are paid for because of my God’s perfect sacrifice, not just on Christmas or Easter, but every other day of the year. So, as much as I may be tempted to wake up on Christmas 26th, bummed because there aren’t presents under the tree, and depressed because I actually have to work out to burn off all the calories from Christmas cookies, I’m going to remember that I have the gift of eternal salvation. Everyday. Not because I deserve it, but because of grace. It’s can be Christmas every day in my heart.

Thankful

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This past week I’ve found myself thankful for something that I never thought I would be. I’m thankful for singleness. I’m thankful that for the past 2.5 years of my life – since I came to know the Lord, I’ve gotten to do it at my own pace and my own way. I’ve had some wonderfully encouraging friends – both male and female – who have held my hand and guided me, but ultimately, it’s been Jesus and me.

Growing up, I was fiercely independent, out of having to be. My high school career was four years of doing things myself; I had great friends, but when push came to shove, I enjoyed my own company and didn’t trust many people. When I came to IU, I was forced to rely on others and I lost myself in my friends and who I thought they wanted me to be. Going Greek was probably the best decision I’ve ever made because Phi Mu has taught me to just be me. I have best friends in my sorority and best friends who aren’t, but I’m the only me. I’m the other person who has the exact experiences that I have.

This fall, I’ve re-discovered what it feels like to be independent and I’ll be the first to admit that I haven’t always does a good job at it, but it’s also forced me to start thinking about what I want. What dreams do I have? What experiences do I want to have? I know it’s up to God, the hands are open for Him to give and take me what He wants, but I’m just enjoying creating me, Caitlin Snyder. There have been so many times in the past 2 years that I’ve taken matters into my own hands thinking that I know what’s best for me, but God is sovereign and thankfully hasn’t let my will prevail over His. And now I see why. Because God has wanted me to be thankful for the woman He has created me to be. It’s easy to be thankful for others – you usually get to see them at their best. It’s been a hard year to be thankful for myself. I’m a sinner. I’m a doubter. I’m a skeptic. But He still loves me; He gave me quirks. It’s about time I start to be thankful for myself and the fact that God has given me time to discover who I am.

This Past Week

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This past week I’ve taken two big faith steps. I decided to run for vice president in Phi Mu and I applied for a summer internship. The first one was a huge decision because it was last minute and it is very unusual for someone in my pledge class to run for a position. For me, the decision came from two places – a desire to serve Phi Mu and a desire to trust God outside my comfort zone. After I made the decision, I kept trying to rationalize myself out of it. I would say, what if no one comes along to lead Greek ministry next year, or, do I really have time for this? And yes, I do have time, and as for Greek ministry, I’ll still be involved, you couldn’t pull me away from that, but do I trust that God is big enough to raise up a female leader? Well, we’ll see. In my head I believe it. All day on Tuesday I heard God saying, “when you come to end of yourself and your abilities, I get to show up”. This semester I’ve been very content in myself and my abilities, I’ve watched God do some neat things, but this is an opportunity to watch Him show up. I’m confident that He’s going to show up to me, and to the Greek movement; I can’t wait to see what He has up His sleeve. We’ll see what happens with elections, but I’m excited at the opportunity to even run for exec in my chapter.

For the past year I haven’t been able to picture myself doing anything after college except for interning with Cru. I have no idea where I would intern (well I would really consider 3 places), but I’m pretty sure I’ll give a year to the Lord in full-time ministry with Cru in a year and a half. This summer I really wanted to go back to Chicago, but felt the Lord calling me home or internationally.  The past two months, I’ve been battling some sin that made me realize that going internationally probably wouldn’t be a good idea, so came the decision to go back to Mason, Ohio for the summer. After a phone call with my mom on Saturday, I decided to pursue an internship with Back2Back Ministries in their home office in Mason. Part of me was fearful of making this decision because I’m so sure that I want to work for Cru, but I decided to trust God and take a step of faith. Five days later, I’ve filled out an application and have an interview set up for over Christmas Break. Once again, God is proving to be faithful.

In the midst of big decisions, running around getting ready for the first round of recruitment, and trying to finish this semester strong academically, I’m praising God that He is in control, He is working all things for my good and that His plan is far better than mind. I’m thankful for this week reminding of these truths.

Enough

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This fall has been rough. It’s been constant realization of sin – sin patterns that were so engraved in my life before I trusted Jesus, but I had thought that they ceased to exist. And while God no longer punishes me for them, because of Jesus’ sacrifice, I found myself living back in the patterns. The past two months have been filled with doubts – am I enough? Constant thoughts running through my head, any given day they could be “am I pretty enough” “am I smart enough” “do I work hard enough” “am I skinny enough” “am I doing enough”… and while I know in my head that the answer is yes, an overwhelming yes, I was experiencing what we often refer to in the ministry world as “head/heart disconnect”. It has been an inner battle, one I would see days free from this mindset, but something would easily trigger me right back into these same doubts over my worth. And because my heart wasn’t feeling worthy, I fell back into trying to earn my grace, earn beauty and earn wisdom, but obviously I was failing.

The sad thing is, this fall I’ve seen so much fruit from ministry, I’m doing well in school (finally), and my friendships are the healthiest they’ve ever been, but I was feeling the need for control. This need for control wiggled its way into every area of my life. Before I knew it, I started obsessing over my to-do list, stressing about if the girls I was investing in felt loves enough, and controlling what I ate, when I ate and how much I worked out. Basically, I decided that I was going to make myself feel like I was “good enough” for God. The sad thing is, I knew (and know) that this is so contrary to the Gospel. I am freely given grace through faith; Jesus died a brutal death on a cross to tell me that I’m enough, there’s nothing I can do to add to that sacrifice. But the head/heart disconnect was still occurring full force.

Last week I hit rock bottom (well I hope that was as low as it gets), I was sick of fighting the Holy Spirit. I wanted to be able to let go, but I was clinging to every piece of control I had left. I left the house during dinner time so I could skip it without feeling guilty and ran errands, I came back and kept myself busy so I didn’t have to deal with my feelings, and the overwhelming feeling that I wasn’t okay. Finally, on Wednesday night, during a wonderful bible study, I confessed that I didn’t feel like I was enough for God, and that I was spiraling out of control because of it. The girls prayed for me, and then again on Thursday night a friend prayed for me. On Friday, during discipleship as I started to process all that was going on, it became evident that I wanted a sign saying that I was enough; I also wanted to just be done struggling, but instead what I got was a reminder of what walking in the Spirit is. It’s a momentary decision to believe that Jesus died for me and then gifted me with the Spirit – a powerful spirit living inside of me to help combat the lies and walk by faith moment by moment. The blood of Jesus already freed me, now I had the decision to live in this freedom.

I could choose to view myself as a child of God or as a slave to everything that is not of Him. What will I choose? It isn’t a matter of how God sees me – that doesn’t change base don my emotions – it’s all about how I view myself. And out of how I view myself, my view of God will be affected. When I say that I am not enough, I am saying that 1) The Gospel is not always true, and 2) God can create something that is less than worth Jesus dying for.

“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” – 2 Corinthians 3:17

I have the Spirit living in me. That means I’m free. I’m free from feeling unworthy. I’m free from believing that if I’m not in control then no one is. I’m free from what others think. I’m free from being the cookie cutter Christian. I’m free to worship Jesus will all that I am. Do I believe it not only in my head, but also my heart? Well, I’m trying.

Bright Green Rain Boots & a Khaki Trench Coat

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Today as I walk around campus I’m wearing bright green rain boots and a khaki trench coat. My outfit to me describes this balance that I’m trying to figure out as a 20 year old. My boots seem adolescent, like I’m trying to remember the freshman that bought these boots with high hopes of college. But my coat is the woman I’m heading towards – a more mature woman who wants to present herself as if she has it all together. These two distinct personalities in me have been fighting for domination ever since this past summer.

On any given day, I wish I no longer had to go to class and wish I could just move home and have my parents take care of me again. I feel like twenty is a weird age to be because as a college student, my parents are still paying for school and supporting me, but I’m forced to take care of myself on a day-to-day basis. While I love being independent, responsibility is not always my favorite thing. This summer, while living in Chicago I got a taste of what it feels like to be a grown-up, and I’m not completely sure I like it. Being 20 is a funny thing. It’s like a constant transition. I feel like I’m constantly doing something differently, learning a different life lesson, and walking by faith.

So much of my life I’ve been able to learn from watching other people or have people guide me through things. Not so right now. I feel like a trailblazer in my life. I’m in some undefined roles which not much structure. As I lay in bed starting to wake up in the morning, I just ask God tto be gentle with me. I never know if I’m going to feel like the girl wearing green rain boots or the woman wearing the trench coat – or both at the same time. I just have to trust that God is going to lead me in the right direction. And He will. He hasn’t led me astray yet, and I believe He wouldn’t.

The most difficult thing is that I don’t know what I want. I can’t decide if I would rather rewind or fast-forward, but what I know is that I’m struggling to be where I am. It’s on days like today when I’m learning to walk by faith and not by sight. I don’t usually know what the day is going to provide, let alone what the next year of my life is going to look like, but I do know that God is good. I may not be able to decide between the boots or the coat, but I do know that God is faithful. God’s promises are true, no matter how I’m feeling. So each day I’ll ask God to empower me to walk by faith, wearing my bright green rain boots and my khaki trench coat at the same time.

Self-Condemnation

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I’ve been reading the book of Jeremiah for the past month. The prophet Jeremiah did not have an easy job for the Kingdom – he was asked by God to tell God’s people over and over that God was no longer happy with them; that in fact God wanted to unleash His wrath on these people because of their sinfulness. They worshipped idols and defamed the name of God. And they were unwilling to repent of their sinfulness. Because this is before Jesus’ perfect sacrifice, God’s wrath for the sinfulness of His people has not been satisfied. Reading through Jeremiah and picturing the things God threatens on His people, people that He loves, has forced me to think of my own sin.

Being back in leadership as IU has made me see my sin more clearly. Partnered with reading through Jeremiah, my awareness of my sin has brought me into moments of self-condemnation.  I deserve the same things that God threatened on the people of Judah, but because of Jesus I will not have to suffer those consequences. My perfectionist nature, however, doesn’t always live in light of the grace that Jesus died for me to receive. Often after I ask God for forgiveness from prideful thoughts or from being distracted by things that not of Him, I still beat myself up. My head knows I’m forgiven, but my heart struggles. The truth is, God knows I’m going to sin, even if it’s just thoughts, those are sinful and hurt Him, but He loves me so much that He sent Jesus so I would not feel condemned for my sin. God’s wrath has been satisfied in Jesus, it doesn’t make sense, it isn’t fair, but is it the truth. It is what I will choose to cling to. I deserve the punishment that Jeremiah prophesied over God’s people, but I don’t have to. Reality is, Jesus was perfect, I am not. I need to stop beating myself up over that. I pray against self-condemnation in my heart, and I pray that you may experience the fullness of the Gospel not just in your head, but also in your heart.

Second Chances

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Being back in Bloomington is a weird feeling for me. I left for this summer and God did a number on my heart, and I will probably never be the same because of it. But  just as when we change in any way, it’s hard to go back to a familiar place – it reminds us of who we used to be, the people we’ve disappointed and it’s so easy to fall back into our previous expectations. Bloomington has been that place for me; the city and the campus hold so many beautiful memories, but they also have an ability to remind me of the dark places I’ve gone away from God, and the times when I’ve been unable to trust and rely on Him alone.

The past week has brought me to my knees in awe of His glory, but I’ve also been moved to tears remembering the people I’ve hurt, and the mistakes I’ve made. God surely is teaching me right now, though. I’m learning so much more about myself simply by slowing down and not doing everything that I’m actually able to experience the beauty of living in a house with 90 girls. I’m learning that God honors my putting my relationship with Him above ministry obligations. He honors our sacrifices, He is faithful, He will provide. He has provided me with second chances (and third, fourth, and fifth chances). I don’t have to look back on last year with any regrets – I’m free from the sin and the shame of the sin. I get another year to be present in my sorority and put others ahead of myself. I get another year to trust God in leadership within Cru – a scary one because I easily make things about me and not about Him.

This is my third fall in Bloomington, and I have a good feeling about it. I have few expectations – I working on having none, but I’m a work in progress. This week, I’m praising God that I don’t have live in regret about what I did and didn’t do last year; I’m praising Him for second chances to love and serve Him, but this time as a completely different person.