Freedom in my Brokenness

I did not think that I wanted to go to a state school. I looked at 13 different colleges and a majority of them were private universities on the East Coast. I planned each semester of high school dreaming of Boston College or Duke. All it took was one trip to Bloomington, Indiana during the fall of my senior year to realize that it was the place I would spend four years of college. It didn’t make logical sense. Ohio has plenty of great public universities (The Ohio State University), and yet I made the decision that felt right.

Baby faith and sororities do not usually go well together. Sticking to barely existent convictions in a place that encourages behavior in contrast to them does not make for a healthy situation. Except I learned to walk with Jesus in my sorority house. Each day I was challenged and a situation that could have broken my faith actually strengthened and defined it. It didn’t make sense and yet it was good.

I moved to Indianapolis to work at a job where I could barely make a living. At the time, I was not encouraged by opportunities for growth. After I accepted my job offer, I got two more, both that would have paid better. My dad called me one day over my lunch break and said, “Caitlin, do you know what you’re doing?” I faked confidence in my decision to move to Indianapolis, but at my core I was scared shitless that I had not put enough thought into this decision and I was about to walk into a really bad situation financially. Last week, after 18 months at my job, I wrote my own job description. This is not something that I thought would happen even this fall. The decision I made in July 2013, to move to Indianapolis, did not make sense. I was living rent free at my parents house with two job offers that would allow me to continue living there, and yet I did what felt right.

This year, I have talked with several families who are being obedient to the Lord in where they have decided to adopt from, or in timeline. Their decisions may not make logical sense. Yet I have heard each family say, “I just want to be obedient.” The life of faith often means making decisions that don’t make sense by the world’s standards.

Some leave well-paying jobs. Some move away from family, outside their comfort zones. Some take on ministry responsibilities they aren’t quite qualified for. Some plant churches in cities where the Gospel is desperately needed, but not necessarily desired. All out of obedience. There are times when God’s leading does not make sense. The world cannot and will not be able to understand, and yet, we obey.

Tomorrow is Good Friday. The day of the crucifixion, nothing quite made sense. The disciples and Christ-followers of the time knew Jesus had to die, but they could not understand why. Why now? Why this way? Why this man?

In the gap of Friday and Sunday, God gave no answers. I am sure to those in mourning, confused and heart-broken, those were long days. The logistics did not line up. And then Sunday came. It made sense again.

We live in the tension of Good Friday and Easter. Jesus has already come and died. He has risen again. He will come back for us. But for now, there will be things that do not make sense, and we will be led by the Lord to places that we do not yet understand. We may never understand.

The life of a Christian means we leap and hope God catches us. Because He will. He is faithful.

So many great things happened this month. I booked my summer vacation, had a roommate reunion, joined the team of dear friends launching a website, and received a promotion at work. I also learned a lot about calling.  It was a month where I saw fruit of labor that started long ago. In the midst of fruitful seasons, it can be so tempting to forget the faithfulness that went into it. I can forget that I’m reaping not only the seeds I’ve planted, but that others have too. In a season of fruitfulness, I must turn back to the Lord, and lay it all at His feet. I did not get here myself. There were days when simply showing up took all my strength. But God honors the small effort. I am thankful for a month like March, for the reminder that faithfulness is what the Lord desires out of me, each day. I’m not always a list maker, and I apologize for two days in row of lists, but I could not think of a better way to organize this post.

Christianity is the faith of abandoning my rights, why am I demanding them?

This is the life of surrender. Not the life of entitlement. The way of the Kingdom must look different from the way of the world. My rights belong at the foot of the cross.

Joy in Aloneness

Over the past year, I have grown more comfortable spending time by myself. In college, I would panic when I had an evening without plans; less than three years later, I enjoy time by myself. However, I am still deeply relational. If I have the choice to spend time with friends, I will. Month after month, my highlights include the time I was able to spend in community with others. There’s a need for balance, and I want to fight for it, but as a friend recently reminded me, “people matter.”

Media Bias

I’ve always known that the media spins things. I am not surprised when the truth comes out to be different from the articles that I was reading, and how others were responding. After watching how people responding to Indiana’s RFRA bill and listening to Monica Lewinsky’s TED Talk, I’m increasingly aware of the bias of the media. Drama makes money, but there is always someone human behind the drama. Someone whose story is being told unfairly, and sometimes without their consent.

Ministry From A Millennial

Writing is fun, but editing is also very fun. Earlier in the month one of my friend invited me to join the team of a blog he is trying to launch. There’s a team of us working hard to generate and edit content, formulate a mission statement and build a community. Our target audience is twenty-somethings who are either in full-time ministry or navigating the balance of working a day job and seeking to bring our faith into our work places. Working

Biblical Community is a Privilege

I live in Christian community. On Thursday nights at small group, when we confess sin and struggles, we are met with grace. When I verbally process some the deep fears in my heart over the phone with my best friend, I’m met with encouragement. When I am uncertain and God feels silent, I am met with truth and prayer. I am working towards not taking this gift for granted.

Therefore, let him who until now has had the privilege of living a common Christian life with other Christians praise God’s grace from the bottom of his heart. Let him thank God on his knees and declare: It is grace, nothing but grace, that we are allowed to live in community with other Christian brethren.” (Life Together, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, 20)

I am thankful for months like March. Weekends jam packed with people and then other weekends of quiet. I am thankful for days that are not promised and a truly faithful God.

She is twenty-seven months younger than me and stands two inches taller. In addition to being a constant playmate growing up, she was also the first person I compared myself to. She is my smart, sensitive and stylish sister. Having a younger sister means I always had a companion in creating Barbie dream worlds, but I also always had a competitor. Our grades, interest, friends, clothing and behaviors were compared to one another. Sometimes I did not know who I was without her.

As she graduates from a Christian college, and heads onto a prestigious graduate school, I continue working two jobs and my state college diploma gathers dust. I cannot help but wonder if I took a wrong turn somewhere. Instead of joining my sorority and spending Tuesdays at Kilroys, should I have been studying at the library? Am I leaving untapped potential by foregoing graduate school at this point? I evaluate my life in light of hers.

In the midst of comparison, I can lose my focus. It is never about me, or my sister, to begin with. It is about Jesus, and the perfect story He has for each of our lives. We see this same dilemma play out in Peter’s life.

“Peter turned and saw that the disciple who Jesus loved was following them… ‘Lord, what about him?’” (John 20:20-21 paraphrased)

Peter wants Jesus to tell him that the call on his life is more significant than the call on John’s life. Because Peter is human. He tries to evaluate his life, and his calling, in light of John’s. Peter believes that in order for the calling on his life to be good, it must be better than John’s. Jesus gently corrects Peter with words that my heart longs to hear.

“If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me” (v.22). These words follow Jesus’ command to Peter, “Take care of my sheep,” (v.16).

Jesus affirms Peter’s calling without comparing it to John’s because it is not a competition. The Kingdom needs Peter and John to live out their callings, to their full abilities, alongside each other. That is when God receives the glory He so rightfully deserves – when we each, live the stories that He is writing for us, without comparing it to someone else’s.

My sister will make a terrific college Theology professor. I have talented friends working with autistic children and their families, ministering to college students across the globe, serving people when they are the most vulnerable and in the hospital, attending graduate school to learn more about enhancing the gifts that God has given them, and investing in the future generations through teaching. I have wonderful friends doing work for the Kingdom of God everyday, but their callings do not take away from my own. There is no scarcity in the Kingdom of God.

My sister and friends are brave, bold and beautiful, but the best part is that I get to walk alongside them, not race them to finish line. In the Kingdom of God, there is room enough for all of us to pursue our callings.

Currently, Jesus calls me to love prospective adoptive families well. I spend hours on the phone each week listening to their hearts for international adoption and educating them on the process. I answer the same questions over and over, trying not to lose sight of world’s most vulnerable children and the families who hope to adopt them. In addition to my job at MLJ Adoptions, I work at J.Crew. I am a firm believer that a great outfit can do wonders for a person’s confidence. I desire to make friends at work, with my co-workers and with our customers. My calling is no less and no better than anyone else’s. It is a worthy calling to strive to walk in obedience to the work the Lord has started all around me.

There are days when all I want to do is dig deep into a passage of scripture with a college student, share about the freedom we have in Christ, or encourage a Greek woman that the fight for faith in her chapter is worth it, but right now, that is not the flock God has called me to tend. Perhaps someday, but today I will, the best I can, walk in obedience to the words that Jesus tells Peter, “Feed my sheep” (John 20: 17).

I spent this past weekend in Houston, Texas with two of my college roommates/sorority sisters. These two girls are probably the silliest and happiest people I know! They’re high energy, vivacious and Jesus loving. When the three of us are together, there’s rarely a dull or silent moment. I loved reconnecting with them and having SO much fun laughing about the most random things!

1) There are few things I like more than hanging out on a college campus. The energy is like none other. We spent time in Rice Village, shopping at the boutiques and checking out coffee shops. Loved it!

2) I firmly believe there is no such thing as too much Mexican food. This weekend I ate something Mexican or Tex Mex for almost every meal because it’s what you do when you’re in Texas! My favorite? Breakfast tacos. Pork carnitas tacos were a close second.

3) Spring time in Texas is WARM. Houston is humid, but they also have palm trees. Who knew? This was our view as we sat out by the pool (not in swim suits) for a little bit. As a summer girl, my heart was happy feeling hot sun on my legs.

4) The best kind of friendships grow as you grow. It is always so encouraging to reconnect with my friends from college. (In case you don’t know: college produced almost all of my best friends.) We still laugh about the same memories re-telling stories that we have already told a hundred times, but make new ones. I almost dropped out of recruitment several times and then almost didn’t go through the Phi period, thinking my life would be simpler without being in a sorority. It may have been simpler, but man, it would have lacked so much depth and my college experience would have been so different. I love that my friendship with Kaitlin and Kelsey has allowed me to grow, with constant encouragement along the way.

I told a friend last week that I thought this weekend would be the calm before the storm. This spring is quickly becoming a very exciting, but action packed season. The slowness of this winter has been so good for me – resting and healing – so I’m apprehensive for that to change. But, with the change comes some really great stuff – a reunion with two of my best sorority friends and former roommates, Final Four in Indianapolis, more hours at J.Crew (read: getting that student loan paid off) and running, lots and lots of running. Today I’ll over the place, feeling lots of love and some frustration, but choosing to focus on the love.

1. After great conversations with some best friends this weekend and today, I’m convinced that not all words are created equal. Three of the best phrases you can hear from people who love you: 1) Keep what doing what you’re doing; it matters 2) Thank you for caring 3) I’m proud of you.

2. Homemade macaroni and cheese is even better than Kraft. All you need is macaroni noodles, some butter, some milk and cheddar cheese. Put it all in a bowl, nuke it for a little over a minute, stir and serve. Let’s go!

3. I’m a big fan of mom-bloggers. Big fan. I call them my mom-blogger-friends. They’re not actually my friends, I know that, but the internet is weird and I sometimes feel strangely invested in their lives. So, when one of them invites her fans (“her people”) to apply to join the launch team for her new book, someone, like me, would say, “Why not apply? We’re basically friends.” And then someone, like me, ends up on a launch team for a book. What? Yes. In August, Jen Hatmaker’s latest book, For The Love will officially come out. Right now, I’m getting to read through it. It’s good. Really good. Like will probably end up on the shelf of my bookcase that is designated for favorite books. #forthelove

4. It’s March Madness. The Hoosiers are doing the dance. The Hoosier state has 5 teams in the tournament. It’s a good week to live in the state of Indiana. Plus, temperatures hit the 70’s with plenty of sun. Lots of good things happening here.

5. Starbucks Caramel Iced Coffee hits the spot on sunny days like today. I loved getting to walk to Starbucks with my Starbucks buddy. We trudged through so much snow this winter that we could not wait for the sun to come out so that we could walk and enjoy Mass Ave. On the days when the phone does not stop ringing, I love having a co-worker/friend who will walk with me and remind me that what we do matters.

I hope that in the midst of whatever you’re experiencing, you’re able to find five thing that you’re loving. Picture them, focus on them, and choose the love over the frustration.

Also, I’d love for you to check out Ministry from a Millennial — a collaborative community that I’m a part of. We are looking to become a safe place for twenty-somethings to share ideas about the callings that God has put on our lives.