Right Where He Wants Me

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When I thought about this summer, there was a feeling in the pit of stomach wondering if I way actually being obedient about coming back home for the summer, or if I was being a baby about not wanting to raise support again. Or take care of myself. Because on paper living on home seems easy. My parents pay for everything, I had a job to come back to, and it’s not hard to find a church in the city of Cincinnati – I can name 3 mega churches off the top of my head. I’ve had it drilled in my head that comfort is the opposite of faith – living with all my needs met does not force me to rely on God.

Then I moved home. And home is great. But it’s not super comfortable. Yes, I sleep in a comfortable bed every night, but I am daily dying to myself. I love my internship, but some days, it’s hard. Seeing the faces of orphan children breaks my heart, and interacting in donors can sometimes be difficult, and my back sometimes hurts from filing things. I get a great discount at J.Crew for working there, but working two jobs in exhausting, and I work with another Caitlin, two Katies and a Kait, so I rarely get credit for my sales, or make my sales goals. Plus, customers get annoyed when you ask them if they need help. But, I know I’m where God wanted me this summer.

Every time I fold a pile of clothes only to watch a customer immediately mess it up, I know I’m right where God wants me.

Every time I have a conversation with my eleven-year-old brother about Jesus, I know I’m right where God wants me.

Every time I eat lunch with the women from work at the “food and life table”, I know I’m right where God wants me.

Every time I sit down to spend time with the Lord without an ending time and no discipleship to plan for, I know I’m right where God wants me.

Every time I get to empty the dishwasher or run an errand for my mom, I know I’m right where God wants me.

Living missionally and depending on God amidst the uncertainty is easy – it’s all there is to do, but this summer, walking back into an environment that I lived in before walking with Jesus has been hard. It’s been humbling to realize that 16 year-old me might be disappointed with the 21 year-old version of me. I’ve lost some ambition, I didn’t stick to “the plan”, but that’s life. And each day I have to depend on Jesus to remind me why I’m here, and to tell me that I’m right where He wants me.

Brattiness

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This week, I started working at J.Crew. I love J.Crew, but at the end of my 7.5 hour internship, I’m usually not super excited about driving twenty minutes, selling and folding clothes for 4.5 hours. I knew that’s what this summer was going to be like, but I was in no way looking forward to it. The funny thing is, this has become the trend. I hear the Lord call me to something, I accept it, but then I stomp my feet the whole way there.

When I knew God was calling me to come home this summer and work two jobs, one unpaid, I accepted it. But I carried a chip on my shoulder. I ask God for opportunities to serve Him, but then when it’s not what I want, I throw a tempter tantrum. I even try to get myself out of it. The night I got home from Bloomington, I had a nice little breakthrough… I’m not home because it’s necessarily what I wanted to do. I’m home by faith. But that whole it not being exactly what I wanted to do doesn’t mean I get to cuss God out every time something is difficult. Me being home by faith is more than just the action of moving home, it’s the delighting in what the Lord has for me in this season. Even when it’s doing research during the day and folding clothes at night.

Last night, when I got to work, I was greeted by a friend who I truly enjoy and has a heart for Jesus. And less than 30 minutes into my shift, I was able to make a new friend who also loves Jesus, and spent the last 4 months serving in Africa. I chuckled a little bit as I surrendered my pride to the Lord. I was reminded how much the Lord loves me – He met me in my stubborn brattiness and reminded me that despite the pity party I had been throwing myself, He had been throwing a real party, I just had to leave mine and come to His. My prayer is that I stop stomping my feet the time because as I keep finding, this whole living by faith thing is work giving it my all, not just my half-assed effort because I’ve wasted the rest complaining.

Saying Goodbye

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When I was getting ready to leave college after my freshman year, all it took to make me cry was someone saying, “I can’t believe it’s over.” This year it takes even less to make my eyes start tearing and for me to get weepy. I’m only a junior, so I probably don’t have the excuse to be upset, I still get to come back to Bloomington in the fall and have another great year of college. I don’t have to say good-bye to my discipleship girls, or my pledge class, but I do have to say good-bye to a majority of the first Christian community I’ve ever had.

I came to IU very lost. I didn’t know who I was, or what I wanted out of life. By God’s grace and after a couple wrong turns, I ended up involved with CRU and starting a personal relationship with Jesus. Somehow, God landed me into an already established community of people who loved each other and opened their arms to me… well, I may have had to sneak my way in there a little bit, but they were welcoming. It has been in this community, over the past three years of college that I’ve learned about grace. We’ve fought, we’ve cried, we’ve pulled pranks, we’ve stayed up way too late, we’ve eaten a lot of ice cream, but we’ve done it together. It is through these people that God has shown me Himself and truly loved me. I’ve had men who have been the big brothers I never had and taught me that I’m worth being pursued and that I’m worthy. I’ve had women who have shown me that being a woman of God doesn’t mean I have knit or be boring – I’m simply called to be the best me I can be. These friends have believed in me when I haven’t even been able to believe in myself and never let me settle for less than what they knew God desired for me. Over the past three years I’ve made a lot of mistakes, but because of the way that God has used this community, I’ve been able to ask for forgiveness, receive prayer and move on a stronger person.

I’m incredibly excited to watch my friends move on to the next stage of their lives, I’m sad I can’t come with them, but this is how it was supposed to be; this is how God planned it. We may never live in the same city all together ever again, but I’m so thankful for the past three years with all of them… I can’t imagine my college experience without them. Everything I believed about Christians when I came to college has been radically altered because of the community I’ve been able to experience. God knew I wouldn’t have survived losing a grandparent, changing my major 5 times, being a leader, emotional dependence and an eating disorder without best friends to pray for me, pick me up off my feet and point me back to Him every step of the way.

To Whom Shall I Go?

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This week has been rough. Like super strugglebus, I just want to be off of it. There’s some sin that I want to see disappear, like have my brain not even see it as an option. As rough as it’s been, I’m feeling very much like Simon Peter in John 6. After Jesus makes numerous claims, many of his followers left him feeling like the expectations were too high. And let’s be honest, some days I feel the same way. Life is hard. But, Jesus turns to His twelve disciples and says “You do not want to leave too, do you?” and Simon Peter’s response is “Lord, to whom shall we go?”  (John 6:67-68). Right now I’m at my breaking point, I haven’t been able to stop crying, but despite the temptation, I’m not going to walk away because I have no where to go.

I have no idea what the next step in a lot of the crap I’m struggling through is, but I know that I am more loved that I can ever imagine. Despite the fact that I feel like I’m drowning, I know I serve a good God. I’ve seen His goodness, I see His goodness even on the days like yesterday and today when I can’t stop crying and because of that I can’t walk away. It’s only Tuesday and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and wish the week away, but that’s not what God wants of me right now. In all the crap, I’m having to depend on God in so many new ways, but as I told my discipler today, if this is part of God getting me to rely on Him for constant strength I take it. I’ll take the tears and the heartache if it makes God more famous and more exalted in my life. Even if I had the option of skipping the sanctification, I still choose it because as Simon Peter said, “To whom shall we go”?

My prayer is that I’m constantly reminded of my desperate need for a savior. I can’t do it on my own. Surrender is something that requires the Holy Spirit. Sanctification sucks. But that’s the only route I’m willing to take because Jesus said I’m worth in His brutal death on the cross. He chose me, so I’ll choose Him back. Even when it’s not easy. Even when praying and communion with Him means more tears. He said I’m worth it and I’m going to attempt to believe it, today and tomorrow … and hopefully the next day too.

Friends

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Life is hard. Even when life is beautiful, it’s still hard. There are days where crying seems like the only option, even knowing that all of God’s promises are still true. This year has been difficult and pulled me in a million directions. God has been faithful, and one of the million ways He has been faithful has been in giving me amazing friends.

I had good friends in high school, several that I still consider to be my friends, but I did not have a solid friend group – in fact, there are only a couple of girls I still keep in contact with. But, since coming to college, I hit the friend jackpot. And the beautiful thing is, it has had nothing to do with me. I didn’t make the friends that are in Phi Mu, God gave me a pledge class that is wonderful – He hand selected each of us to be part of a special bond in a sorority. I have beautiful friends that I’ve met through Cru, but we some how found our ways into each other’s lives; a lot of us have little in common.

Through the trials that this year has brought, I’ve had amazing encouragement from the men and women in my life. Humor, tears and prayers have made the dark days brighter and even the best days a little bit better. I often get asked the question why I came to IU from Ohio. The truth is, God brought me here. While it did make a little bit of sense, I could have ended up anywhere. As could of each of my friends. But we ended up at Indiana University and in each other’s lives. My faith in God is strengthened by seeing my community and knowing that God weaved a perfect story together so we could be in each other’s lives. I don’t deserve to be loved by such awesome people – I am not a good friend, I’m critical, sarcastic and self-centered, but I experience the gospel on everyday when I’m loved by my friends because of God. Because God reached out to all of us first, we have the opportunity to love beyond our capacity, whether we know it or not.

I’ve experienced God’s love this year through my friends. I’m so thankful in knowing that this season of my life and future seasons will be filled of people God has hand picked to love me and to be loved by me. Even when life gets rough, which it inevitably will, I have friends willing to hold my hand and remind me that I’m being refined, and even when it’s hard, life is still beautiful.

Completely Unqualified

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In today’s culture, it gets really easy for people to believe they are qualified and entitled to things. I can list off my own achievements and talents in order to convince someone why I deserve leadership, advancement, or a job. As I start to look back over my past 2.5 years at IU (I still have 1.5 to go… I’m not a senior yet), I immediately think of all that I’ve achieved, or the leadership positions that I’ve held. I so quickly forget that I was never qualified for any of these positions – I never knew enough or had enough experience, instead I have a God who has shown His mercy on me many times.

Truth: I am qualified for death on a cross. My sins, in a fair world, should disqualify me, and everyone for that matter, from leading anyone, especially leading anyone into a deeper relationship with the Lord. No matter how many good things I do, I can never overcome my depravity.

Enter: Grace and Mercy. Because I have a God who loves me, He has given me so many opportunities to lead. He has equipped me with talents to make me success, but not for my own sake, instead He asks that I use everything that I’ve been given to bring glory to His name. Every time I get to watch the light bulb go on in someone’s head, watch one of my disciples wrestle through a difficult passage of scripture and get it, or I get to serve someone, it is out of God’s immeasurable grace. He knows I don’t deserve it.

In everything I achieve – and in every failure for that matter – my eyes should turn to My God, My Rescuer, My Redeemer, and My Savior. As I remember how many great opportunities I’ve been given in my time here at IU, I start to see all the more graceful God is. I haven’t deserved a single opportunity, but I’m so thankful for a God has uses me despite my inadequacies.

As Paul says in 1 Corinthians 2: 1-5, “When I came to you, brothers, I did not come with eloquence or superior wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God. For I resolved to now nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power, so that your faith might not rest on men’s wisdom, but on God’s power.”

Fighting

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Today is my 21st birthday. Which means that last night at midnight I turned 21 and went out for my first legal drink. I committed to one or two drinks, not enough to get me drunk. Confession time, it was really hard to say no to the shots people were offering to buy me. It was hard, in the heat of the moment to remember why I was even saying no. I wanted another drink and I couldn’t for the life of me remember why I was even fighting.

This morning, in class, we watched The Passion of the Christ, in my introduction to Christianity class. Throughout class, I heard gruesome details of the crucifixion and then watched a very realistic portrayal of it. Jesus was beat, He was mocked, and no one came to His rescue. Because He was my rescue. I am supposed to be on that cross, with nails through my hands and feet, and a crown of thorns in my head. It should be me. But it wasn’t. Because He came to my rescue. In trusting Christ, I said that He was enough for me, because His death on the cross said that I am enough. In saying that He is enough, I’ve chosen to make Him the Lord of my life. He calls the shots. He’s in charge. He sits on the throne.

Sitting in class brought everything full circle. I, for the past two years, have chosen not to drink because it is illegal and I am not above the law. God calls me not only to obedience in Him, but also obedience to the law of the land. And last night, it became legal for me to drink, so I did, but the Bible says, “do not get drunk on wine”. But sometimes, words aren’t enough for me. I need more. Jesus endured the cross, with JOY, I may add (Hebrews 12), to tell me that I am worthy of dying for, all I must do is make Him the Lord of my life and do everything I can to keep Him on the throne. This doesn’t mean falling into legalism, or striving, but simple acts of obedience, and sometimes sacrifice. Not getting drunk is the least I can do to keep Him on the throne; to keep me from getting in the way of what He is trying to do in my life. Anything that hinders my ability to submit to Jesus is a sin. Controlling what I eat, getting obsessed with materialthings, or getting drunk all do that. He has said that I am enough, I am worthy of eternal life because of His sacrifice. I will fight all the days of my life in gratitude of His death and the grace He has so freely given me, because He has found me, a broken little self-centered materialistic people-pleasing girl worthy of the ultimate gift – Himself.

Waiting

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I’m inpatient. But we all are. In our flesh at least. We’re impatient imperfect control freaks. Last night at prayer, most of us took at least an hour in silence waiting on God to move. And He did. In different ways in each of our hearts. Several verses came to me as I was meditating, but I could not bring myself to stop thinking about the idea of waiting.  My whole has been and will be about waiting for things. There are several things I’m waiting on now – a man of God to pursue me, God to tell me about what He has planned for my future and for God to wreck my family and show them how to live for Him, and Him alone. Essentially, I could be waiting on these things for years.

The question is, how will I wait for them? Will I put my hope in these things, waiting for my “life to start”? Will I worry and wait with anxiety, wanting them now and not rejoicing in the present? Or, will I wait in expectation, eagerly waiting to see the Lord work, but knowing that ultimately, God is here and now? I pray that I can do the latter because God is here. He is now. He is working, even when I can’t see it, or I can’t feel it.

I love food metaphors, English Club in Chicago forced me to get creative with how to describe Jesus things to international students, and it’s a habit I haven’t been able to break. Last night I started to realize that the things I’m waiting on are like the rainbow sprinkles on top of a wonderful ice cream sundae. Each thing I’m waiting on is like a singular sprinkle, just a tiny, minuscule topping on something already so beautiful and great. Yes, I just compared Jesus’ death on the cross and my salvation to an ice cream sundae… there’s freedom, right? God longs to give me good things, but not so that I can forget the great things He’s already given me.

So will I wait? Yes. Will I wait with joy? I pray that the Spirit empowers me to. Is the Lord worth waiting for? Without a doubt.

Phi Mu

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Sometimes, when I get discouraged, feel overwhelmed, or like I just can’t seem to make a difference, I think back to my freshman self, who was so eager to change the world. I wanted to change the Greek System, make into a place where sisterhood, brotherhood and philanthropy were the focus, not partying and popularity. As I set foot onto IU’s campus the fall of my sophomore year, I wondered if I could really change anything. I wondered if anyone actually cared about Jesus, or even about each other. This past week, through the recruitment process, I started to really reflect. Two years later, have I changed anything? I began to realize something – while I may have not changed a single thing, I’ve been changed.

I’ve been changed into a different woman because of how God has used Phi Mu in my life. My view of brokenness has changed. My view of myself as a sinner in need of a savior has changed. My view of Jesus has changed. My view of serving and loving others has changed. My view of compassion and what it looks like has changed. And I guess that’s the point. God’s purpose in me joining Phi Mu wasn’t for me to change Phi Mu, it was to let Phi Mu change me.

On prideful days, I start to boast in my head of all that I’ve done. On sad days, I start to feel like I haven’t done enough. But I remember back to Chicago and a conversation I had with my staff discipler. I can get so caught up in the doing, and she said to me, it’s not about doing ministry, it’s about transformation – being more molded into the image of Christ. Maybe I haven’t shared the Gospel to each of my sisters, but God has used my sorority to chisel away some of the yucky parts of my heart. He has used to point out sin in my life, and to test my view of and trust in Him.

So I guess the question I should ask myself is what would I be like without Phi Mu? I would not me. I simply can not imagine not having had the growth, the laughter and the tears that this place, these women and this sisterhood have given me.

Just Like the Inn Keeper

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Jesus was born in a manger because there was no room for Him in the inn. There was simply no room for the Savior of the world in an inn, so His mother gave birth to Him among animals. Sometimes I judge the inn keeper – my head says, “seriously, the woman was giving birth to the most important ever, couldn’t you make room?” And then I remember how much I have in common with the inn keeper. Looking back at him, it’s easy to say that he should have made space, but I often crowd Jesus out of my life. I say, through my words and behavior, that there’s simply no space in my day, or in my future plans for Him.

This does not mean that the things I spend my time with, or my plans for the future aren’t good things. The guests at the inn weren’t bad people, they just weren’t God. I so easily choose watching a DVD, spending time on Facebook, having a cool conversation, or working out over God. I cram my schedule so full that there’s simply no room for Jesus. And then I wonder why I feel so far from Him. I’m not discrediting the valleys of faith – or saying that God doesn’t work in dark seasons, I’d be the hugest hypocrite in the world, just ask me about my fall, but the truth is, He’s going to feel far when I keep Him at a distance. If I truly claim that Jesus Christ is not only my Savior, but also the Lord of my life, He deserves the best room in my inn, even if that means kicking something else out (those things that get kicked out are often referred to as idols). Yes, Jesus had to be born in a manger in order to fulfill thousand year old prophesies, but He was also born there because an inn keeper failed to see His importance. He failed to make space for Him because other things were more important. And so do I.