It Can Be Christmas Every Day

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On Christmas, Christians celebrate their savior’s, Jesus Christ, birth. It was on this day that God humbled Himself into human form and was born to a couple, in a manger because there was no room in the inn. At my grandfather’s Catholic church this morning, in the midst of the standing, the kneeling and the priest’s (the good-looking 26 year-old priest… may I add) homily, I really started to think about Christmas. There’s been a movement in American Christianity to “take back the season”, “keep Christ in Christmas”, and I completely understand this desire – this idea that we should be focusing on Christ – Him as the gift – during the holidays, not food, clothes and Santa, but are we still getting it wrong? Yes, Christ is the reason for the season, but isn’t He also the reason for life? Can’t it be Christmas everyday?

John 1 states, “In the beginning was the Word and Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made, without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it” (v. 1-5). Okay, there’s a lot in that. My finite brain can’t comprehend an infinite God, nor can I do this verse justice without theology background, but it’s quite clear to me that “the Word”, “He” and “Him” that these verses mention are Jesus. Jesus is not only the son of God, HE IS GOD. All through the Old Testament, prophecies point to this and the New Testament is full of evidence that proves this, even to a skeptic like me.

So Jesus Christ is God.  Jesus was born on Christmas, that should be celebrated, and it should, but His glory is something worthy of worship every day, not just December 25th or the month of December. Everyday. Because December 26th doesn’t change the fact that Jesus was born and eventually died to save sinners. I’m as much of a sinner on December 25th as I am on June 3rd, just like my sins are paid for because of my God’s perfect sacrifice, not just on Christmas or Easter, but every other day of the year. So, as much as I may be tempted to wake up on Christmas 26th, bummed because there aren’t presents under the tree, and depressed because I actually have to work out to burn off all the calories from Christmas cookies, I’m going to remember that I have the gift of eternal salvation. Everyday. Not because I deserve it, but because of grace. It’s can be Christmas every day in my heart.

Thankful

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This past week I’ve found myself thankful for something that I never thought I would be. I’m thankful for singleness. I’m thankful that for the past 2.5 years of my life – since I came to know the Lord, I’ve gotten to do it at my own pace and my own way. I’ve had some wonderfully encouraging friends – both male and female – who have held my hand and guided me, but ultimately, it’s been Jesus and me.

Growing up, I was fiercely independent, out of having to be. My high school career was four years of doing things myself; I had great friends, but when push came to shove, I enjoyed my own company and didn’t trust many people. When I came to IU, I was forced to rely on others and I lost myself in my friends and who I thought they wanted me to be. Going Greek was probably the best decision I’ve ever made because Phi Mu has taught me to just be me. I have best friends in my sorority and best friends who aren’t, but I’m the only me. I’m the other person who has the exact experiences that I have.

This fall, I’ve re-discovered what it feels like to be independent and I’ll be the first to admit that I haven’t always does a good job at it, but it’s also forced me to start thinking about what I want. What dreams do I have? What experiences do I want to have? I know it’s up to God, the hands are open for Him to give and take me what He wants, but I’m just enjoying creating me, Caitlin Snyder. There have been so many times in the past 2 years that I’ve taken matters into my own hands thinking that I know what’s best for me, but God is sovereign and thankfully hasn’t let my will prevail over His. And now I see why. Because God has wanted me to be thankful for the woman He has created me to be. It’s easy to be thankful for others – you usually get to see them at their best. It’s been a hard year to be thankful for myself. I’m a sinner. I’m a doubter. I’m a skeptic. But He still loves me; He gave me quirks. It’s about time I start to be thankful for myself and the fact that God has given me time to discover who I am.

This Past Week

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This past week I’ve taken two big faith steps. I decided to run for vice president in Phi Mu and I applied for a summer internship. The first one was a huge decision because it was last minute and it is very unusual for someone in my pledge class to run for a position. For me, the decision came from two places – a desire to serve Phi Mu and a desire to trust God outside my comfort zone. After I made the decision, I kept trying to rationalize myself out of it. I would say, what if no one comes along to lead Greek ministry next year, or, do I really have time for this? And yes, I do have time, and as for Greek ministry, I’ll still be involved, you couldn’t pull me away from that, but do I trust that God is big enough to raise up a female leader? Well, we’ll see. In my head I believe it. All day on Tuesday I heard God saying, “when you come to end of yourself and your abilities, I get to show up”. This semester I’ve been very content in myself and my abilities, I’ve watched God do some neat things, but this is an opportunity to watch Him show up. I’m confident that He’s going to show up to me, and to the Greek movement; I can’t wait to see what He has up His sleeve. We’ll see what happens with elections, but I’m excited at the opportunity to even run for exec in my chapter.

For the past year I haven’t been able to picture myself doing anything after college except for interning with Cru. I have no idea where I would intern (well I would really consider 3 places), but I’m pretty sure I’ll give a year to the Lord in full-time ministry with Cru in a year and a half. This summer I really wanted to go back to Chicago, but felt the Lord calling me home or internationally.  The past two months, I’ve been battling some sin that made me realize that going internationally probably wouldn’t be a good idea, so came the decision to go back to Mason, Ohio for the summer. After a phone call with my mom on Saturday, I decided to pursue an internship with Back2Back Ministries in their home office in Mason. Part of me was fearful of making this decision because I’m so sure that I want to work for Cru, but I decided to trust God and take a step of faith. Five days later, I’ve filled out an application and have an interview set up for over Christmas Break. Once again, God is proving to be faithful.

In the midst of big decisions, running around getting ready for the first round of recruitment, and trying to finish this semester strong academically, I’m praising God that He is in control, He is working all things for my good and that His plan is far better than mind. I’m thankful for this week reminding of these truths.

Enough

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This fall has been rough. It’s been constant realization of sin – sin patterns that were so engraved in my life before I trusted Jesus, but I had thought that they ceased to exist. And while God no longer punishes me for them, because of Jesus’ sacrifice, I found myself living back in the patterns. The past two months have been filled with doubts – am I enough? Constant thoughts running through my head, any given day they could be “am I pretty enough” “am I smart enough” “do I work hard enough” “am I skinny enough” “am I doing enough”… and while I know in my head that the answer is yes, an overwhelming yes, I was experiencing what we often refer to in the ministry world as “head/heart disconnect”. It has been an inner battle, one I would see days free from this mindset, but something would easily trigger me right back into these same doubts over my worth. And because my heart wasn’t feeling worthy, I fell back into trying to earn my grace, earn beauty and earn wisdom, but obviously I was failing.

The sad thing is, this fall I’ve seen so much fruit from ministry, I’m doing well in school (finally), and my friendships are the healthiest they’ve ever been, but I was feeling the need for control. This need for control wiggled its way into every area of my life. Before I knew it, I started obsessing over my to-do list, stressing about if the girls I was investing in felt loves enough, and controlling what I ate, when I ate and how much I worked out. Basically, I decided that I was going to make myself feel like I was “good enough” for God. The sad thing is, I knew (and know) that this is so contrary to the Gospel. I am freely given grace through faith; Jesus died a brutal death on a cross to tell me that I’m enough, there’s nothing I can do to add to that sacrifice. But the head/heart disconnect was still occurring full force.

Last week I hit rock bottom (well I hope that was as low as it gets), I was sick of fighting the Holy Spirit. I wanted to be able to let go, but I was clinging to every piece of control I had left. I left the house during dinner time so I could skip it without feeling guilty and ran errands, I came back and kept myself busy so I didn’t have to deal with my feelings, and the overwhelming feeling that I wasn’t okay. Finally, on Wednesday night, during a wonderful bible study, I confessed that I didn’t feel like I was enough for God, and that I was spiraling out of control because of it. The girls prayed for me, and then again on Thursday night a friend prayed for me. On Friday, during discipleship as I started to process all that was going on, it became evident that I wanted a sign saying that I was enough; I also wanted to just be done struggling, but instead what I got was a reminder of what walking in the Spirit is. It’s a momentary decision to believe that Jesus died for me and then gifted me with the Spirit – a powerful spirit living inside of me to help combat the lies and walk by faith moment by moment. The blood of Jesus already freed me, now I had the decision to live in this freedom.

I could choose to view myself as a child of God or as a slave to everything that is not of Him. What will I choose? It isn’t a matter of how God sees me – that doesn’t change base don my emotions – it’s all about how I view myself. And out of how I view myself, my view of God will be affected. When I say that I am not enough, I am saying that 1) The Gospel is not always true, and 2) God can create something that is less than worth Jesus dying for.

“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” – 2 Corinthians 3:17

I have the Spirit living in me. That means I’m free. I’m free from feeling unworthy. I’m free from believing that if I’m not in control then no one is. I’m free from what others think. I’m free from being the cookie cutter Christian. I’m free to worship Jesus will all that I am. Do I believe it not only in my head, but also my heart? Well, I’m trying.

Bright Green Rain Boots & a Khaki Trench Coat

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Today as I walk around campus I’m wearing bright green rain boots and a khaki trench coat. My outfit to me describes this balance that I’m trying to figure out as a 20 year old. My boots seem adolescent, like I’m trying to remember the freshman that bought these boots with high hopes of college. But my coat is the woman I’m heading towards – a more mature woman who wants to present herself as if she has it all together. These two distinct personalities in me have been fighting for domination ever since this past summer.

On any given day, I wish I no longer had to go to class and wish I could just move home and have my parents take care of me again. I feel like twenty is a weird age to be because as a college student, my parents are still paying for school and supporting me, but I’m forced to take care of myself on a day-to-day basis. While I love being independent, responsibility is not always my favorite thing. This summer, while living in Chicago I got a taste of what it feels like to be a grown-up, and I’m not completely sure I like it. Being 20 is a funny thing. It’s like a constant transition. I feel like I’m constantly doing something differently, learning a different life lesson, and walking by faith.

So much of my life I’ve been able to learn from watching other people or have people guide me through things. Not so right now. I feel like a trailblazer in my life. I’m in some undefined roles which not much structure. As I lay in bed starting to wake up in the morning, I just ask God tto be gentle with me. I never know if I’m going to feel like the girl wearing green rain boots or the woman wearing the trench coat – or both at the same time. I just have to trust that God is going to lead me in the right direction. And He will. He hasn’t led me astray yet, and I believe He wouldn’t.

The most difficult thing is that I don’t know what I want. I can’t decide if I would rather rewind or fast-forward, but what I know is that I’m struggling to be where I am. It’s on days like today when I’m learning to walk by faith and not by sight. I don’t usually know what the day is going to provide, let alone what the next year of my life is going to look like, but I do know that God is good. I may not be able to decide between the boots or the coat, but I do know that God is faithful. God’s promises are true, no matter how I’m feeling. So each day I’ll ask God to empower me to walk by faith, wearing my bright green rain boots and my khaki trench coat at the same time.

Self-Condemnation

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I’ve been reading the book of Jeremiah for the past month. The prophet Jeremiah did not have an easy job for the Kingdom – he was asked by God to tell God’s people over and over that God was no longer happy with them; that in fact God wanted to unleash His wrath on these people because of their sinfulness. They worshipped idols and defamed the name of God. And they were unwilling to repent of their sinfulness. Because this is before Jesus’ perfect sacrifice, God’s wrath for the sinfulness of His people has not been satisfied. Reading through Jeremiah and picturing the things God threatens on His people, people that He loves, has forced me to think of my own sin.

Being back in leadership as IU has made me see my sin more clearly. Partnered with reading through Jeremiah, my awareness of my sin has brought me into moments of self-condemnation.  I deserve the same things that God threatened on the people of Judah, but because of Jesus I will not have to suffer those consequences. My perfectionist nature, however, doesn’t always live in light of the grace that Jesus died for me to receive. Often after I ask God for forgiveness from prideful thoughts or from being distracted by things that not of Him, I still beat myself up. My head knows I’m forgiven, but my heart struggles. The truth is, God knows I’m going to sin, even if it’s just thoughts, those are sinful and hurt Him, but He loves me so much that He sent Jesus so I would not feel condemned for my sin. God’s wrath has been satisfied in Jesus, it doesn’t make sense, it isn’t fair, but is it the truth. It is what I will choose to cling to. I deserve the punishment that Jeremiah prophesied over God’s people, but I don’t have to. Reality is, Jesus was perfect, I am not. I need to stop beating myself up over that. I pray against self-condemnation in my heart, and I pray that you may experience the fullness of the Gospel not just in your head, but also in your heart.

Second Chances

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Being back in Bloomington is a weird feeling for me. I left for this summer and God did a number on my heart, and I will probably never be the same because of it. But  just as when we change in any way, it’s hard to go back to a familiar place – it reminds us of who we used to be, the people we’ve disappointed and it’s so easy to fall back into our previous expectations. Bloomington has been that place for me; the city and the campus hold so many beautiful memories, but they also have an ability to remind me of the dark places I’ve gone away from God, and the times when I’ve been unable to trust and rely on Him alone.

The past week has brought me to my knees in awe of His glory, but I’ve also been moved to tears remembering the people I’ve hurt, and the mistakes I’ve made. God surely is teaching me right now, though. I’m learning so much more about myself simply by slowing down and not doing everything that I’m actually able to experience the beauty of living in a house with 90 girls. I’m learning that God honors my putting my relationship with Him above ministry obligations. He honors our sacrifices, He is faithful, He will provide. He has provided me with second chances (and third, fourth, and fifth chances). I don’t have to look back on last year with any regrets – I’m free from the sin and the shame of the sin. I get another year to be present in my sorority and put others ahead of myself. I get another year to trust God in leadership within Cru – a scary one because I easily make things about me and not about Him.

This is my third fall in Bloomington, and I have a good feeling about it. I have few expectations – I working on having none, but I’m a work in progress. This week, I’m praising God that I don’t have live in regret about what I did and didn’t do last year; I’m praising Him for second chances to love and serve Him, but this time as a completely different person.

Incredibly Beautiful and Powerful

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Leaving Chicago has been one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done, in my life. I’ve never experienced something as beautiful as the community on summer project, we were all working towards a common goal, and bearing each other’s burdens along the way. I’m continuing to process in my time before I head back to school, and the one thing I keep clinging to is that I leave Chicago a changed person. God grown me so much, and made Himself much more known to me than I thought possible. He has reminded me that He is as beautiful as the Psalms describe Him. He is incredible as the miracles Jesus performs. He is as powerful as the One who raised Jesus from the dead. His incredible beauty and power are at work on me each day growing me to the next level of maturity and intimacy with Him.

Because God has done so much work on my heart, I’ve been able to deal with uncertainty in a much healthier way than I did last summer. Unpacking and re-packing all my stuff has been fun and life-giving, not full of anxiety and tear-inducing. This is not a matter of anything I’ve done, it’s just remembering where my security is and what defines me. Yes, this coming year may be difficult, but God is faithful, He will come through again and again. I’m nervous about money this year because I didn’t work this summer, but as I journaled tonight, I thanked God for all the ways He showed up this summer and remembered that He’s the same God always. He will provide, all I have to do is step out in faith and wait for Him to save the day. This is evidence of God’s work in my life. He is faithful. And I have a summer project family to remind me of the work that’s been done in my life in the past 3 months when I forget how generous He is.

I have changed, but He has not. I simply get the pleasure of falling more and more in love with Him daily, with reflecting on His character and the blessings He poured out on me and my friends this summer. Please pray for my heart as I transition back to school, that I remember that He is my solid rock, He is the ultimate provider, He will always be enough.

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Glorious God

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My life’s purpose is to bring glory to God. Whatever I end up pursuing for my career, however I raise my kids, or the grades I get in school, they should all be done to the best of my ability in order to bring praise to God’s name, not to my own. Duh, you might say, but this has been a summer of learning what it looks like day by day to strive to bring glory to the Lord’s name. This is hard for me. I feel like this is hard for anyone; society has taught us to do well for ourselves, to build up money, to get published so people know our name. This summer, through exploring more of God’s flawless character, I am starting to understand (it’s just the tip of the iceberg) why God is worthy of our glory.

Since I didn’t have a job this summer, I was able to spend lots of time in God’s word, listening to sermons and journaling. I also went on campus three days a week. It was in these times that God taught me about Himself. Through being on campus, I’ve been able to have spiritual conversations with numerous students, and learn about what makes Jesus so special and so unique. I am going to detail three of the things that make biblical Christianity, as in the religion that follows Jesus based on the Bible, so cool.

  • God gives us grace, its not something we have to earn, it’s just something that we have to receive. I think so easily I forget that I can be assured of my salvation, no matter the sin I commit, He still loves me and I will be accepted in His Kingdom. Other religions do not have the gift of grace. I’ve talked girls of different faiths, and they do not have assurance of grace. They will never be sure of where they are spending eternity. Every day of their lives, they must constantly be thinking of their eternity and praying that God shows mercy on them and that they did enough good to outweigh their bad.
  • God allows His people to experience joy even amongst the trials. This summer has brought some heartbreak out of my past and forced me to deal with it. The beautiful thing is that God’s character does not change. Ever. Even though there are some days that I struggle to see His goodness, it’s there, and if I ask, He shows it to me. No matter what I’m feeling, He loves me and wants to show me just how much I mean to Him.
  • God wants me to be happy. I have said so many times — that can’t be what God wants because it’s what I want – the truth is, God wants me to enjoy serving Him. He isn’t going to send me into something that not good for me, not fulfilling or not going to force me to rely on Him. He wants me to delight in Him and He will give me more of Himself and allow me to experience His character in new ways, which ultimately brings me more joy. I can look to my future confident that as long as I’m following where the Lord is leading, I will be growing and I will be fulfilled, not because of me, but because of Him. I wanted a job this summer, He didn’t give me that, but my lack of job forced me to rely on and seek Him more. He didn’t want me to just go through the motions, He wanted surrender and authenticity. That’s how great He is.

My prayer is that I not forget the ways the Lord has showed up this summer and that you too may be able to experience God in a way that forces you to honor Him. Our God is a God worthy of all of our glory and praise; He is who He says He is.

The Land In Between

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When the God led Moses and the Israelites out of slavery in Egypt, they were in the Sinai Desert for forty years. This was the land between slavery and promise – the land between. As the pastor at church yesterday preached, I felt both called out and given hope about this land between. I am in a season of questioning, sadness and sometimes frustration. I see where I want to get, its just taking patience to get there. As the pastor preached, I felt like my mind continued to be blown. He said the land between is fertile ground for 1) emotional meltdowns and complaining 2) God’s provision, mercy and generosity 3) discipline 4) transformational growth.

This past week, and a couple other times this summer, I’ve gotten so bogged down in my emotions and my current reality that I forgot some important truths and turned to complaining and being a complete brat. I’m just like Moses in the book of Numbers when he says that He’d rather die than face more of what he was dealing with. I’m not that big of drama queen, but I’ve felt like telling God, “okay, enough already, I’m done with this.” If I get caught on the deserty part of the land between, I leave no opportunities for God to show up, provide for me, grow me and transform me. The transition from slave to heir is not an easy one. For the Israelites, it took at least forty years. God must refine us so that we can be taken into the land of promise without it destroying us.

As I reflect on my last year, there’s been quite a few months spent in the land between, and lots of valuable lessons learned there. Last July I wasn’t aware of most of the bondage I was in. I was a slave to friends, to money, to ideas of a relationship, to academics and to expectations. Because God loves me and wants me to experience the fullness of what it means to be a daughter of His, He has brought me to the land between a number of times in the last 12 months. It is in this place that once I get past the desire to complain and give into my fleshly desires for comfort that I receive the opportunity to see God show up and provide for my every need. It is in this place that I become more disciplined and more trusting of His goodness. It is in this place where I can be transformed. Just as Romans 12:2 says, transformation is necessary for discernment of God’s will. The more I am transformed, the better I will be able to walk in God’s ways. The more I am transformed, the more I am able to obey God and love Him, and that is worth the patience, discipline and trust it takes to stay in the land between.