Tempted to be Passive

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Right around this time of year, I get tempted to do one of two things. I either want to mentally check out and cruise through finals, or I try to cram everything I can into 7 weeks. This semester I only have 2 papers in the next 4 weeks, I can use the time I’ll not spend studying sleeping and being lazy, or I can wait patiently for the Lord to direct my time. If I decided to be lazy, I would take naps, watch movies and hang out with friends until the wee hours of the night. I would also have plenty of time to do things I wanted to do, when I wanted to do them. I would be passive. But, I promised the Lord this semester I’d make the most of the opportunities He’d given me. That doesn’t end halfway through the semester.

The second option, choosing to let the Lord be in control is more difficult. Especially because I’m not feeling directed somewhere. I feel very content with where I am and fairly uncertain where I’m headed. It is hard to not feel lazy when I’m not moving because I don’t know where I’m headed. That’s a lie, I know where I’m headed this summer – Chicago. I know where I’m headed next year – back to Phi Mu. I just don’t know what God wants me doing for the next 7 weeks. But this I do know – I have wonderful friends and amazing people in my life and I desire to be in community with them. I want the Lord to use me to bring them closer to Him.

This semester I told God I didn’t want to miss opportunities that He presented me with. I wanted to be where I’m at and be joyful there. God showed up. I love my community, I love my sisters and I love my classes. While Satan will tempt me the next 4 weeks with laziness and passivity, I pray that the Lord continues to use me. That I continue to run full force ahead towards Him and know that when I’m running towards Him, I will always be running in the right direction. I pray that in the last 7 weeks of school, I fall more in love with Jesus and can encourage those around me to do the same.

Scars

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Scars are scary. A wound heals, but leaves behind a little reminder of the pain. When a wound is fresh, it hurt, it bleeds, and there are visible signs of suffering. It is usually the direct result of a mistake, a sin, or someone’s poor decision. When a wound is healing, there is still pain and discomfort. By the time a scar arrives, the bleeding is done and we think the healing is complete, however, as I’ve learned, there’s usually much more healing to be done. Wounds are easy, the pain can be explained, but with scars, the pain is internal and often not visible to anyone else.

Several events in my life have left me with scars. They were dramatic when they occurred – they bled and physically healed. The physical healing process was painful. At times it required humbling myself, confrontation, fasting or intense prayer. In the past, I have tricked myself into thinking that because the wound could not bleed again the pain was gone. Lie. Scars remind us of the pain. Scars can also serve as a protection from God. In my life they have said, “this level is healing is done, but the process is not over; there is still more to be done, but in due time, when you can handle it.” The scars can still cause pain. Some hurt is never completely resolved until heaven. Yes, we are constantly being made new by the power of Christ. Yes, God does not want us to carry around burdens. Yes, Jesus has freed us from sin by the power of His death. But, some of the pain remains. It hides. It may not, and probably does not, affect us on an everyday basis, but in due time, God reminds us of the scars. He reminds us of our sin, our mistakes, or other people’s decisions. He does not do this out of desiring us to hurt, but instead to lead to the next level of healing.

Scars are scary, but they are nothing to be afraid of. God can easily contend with our sin, mistakes, or other people’s decisions. He desires to heal us completely, and to lead us to Him and His never-ending love. He will redeems our scars and we will be remade, but part of that requires a process and much patience. Some pain is so deeply rooted in our identity that as we lose ourselves more in Christ, the scars and pain become more apparent. Scars are reminders of where we have come from and also where we are going. We are coming from a world where we must carry our own sin, mistakes and often the sin of others, into a place where the God of the universe frees us from these things. He desires for us to live in freedom – freedom to experience the fullness of life. Often times the scars are just to show us all the healing the Lord has done in our lives. He is the ultimate redeemer and healer. He makes all things new.

Jesus, the Leader

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This past weekend I was asked who has motivated me most as a leader. I love history. I’m kinda a geek that way. I can tell you my favorite president, my favorite first lady and give good reasoning for both. I’m fascinated by the 1960’s, and Martin Luther King Jr. is definitely a huge person that I look up to, but none of those answers seemed adequate to answer to the question. Jesus. Jesus has motivated me most as a leader. He motivates me. He challenges me. He guides me.

Jesus leads with love. He does so in a way that is so much bigger than saying “I love you”. His actions and demands are motivated by love. He loves us so much that He doesn’t want us to put things above Him (Matthew 10:37). He loves us enough to give us strength enough to do anything (Philippians 4:13). All out of love. His leadership and love are not self-motivated. One of the things I’m learning about myself is that I struggle to lead out of pure love. In my heart, there are often other motivations – obligation or selfishness. Jesus led out of love. He died out of love. His love was enough for His followers.

Jesus knew how to get the best of His followers. The people who loved Jesus when He walked the earth are in some ways not much different from the people who love Jesus now. We’re all broken. We’re all sinners. We all fall short. Jesus knows the key to each of our hearts. He knows have unique the desires of each of our hearts are. He used love and compassion to lead. Jesus had Godly powers – He could have done miracles to motivate people (and when necessary He did use miracles), but He used love and compassion to lead imperfect people.

Jesus guides me, not only because He walked the earth before me, but also because His power is available to me when I depend on Him. Jesus set the blueprint for selfless love – He shows that His love is enough & He gives us all the opportunity to love on people well, when we tap into His power.

I am weak, He is strong. Jesus leads me out of love. I desire to become the type of leader that invests in people selflessly, that shows them how much they are capable of when they depend on Him and that reminds people of the amazing God in heaven who wants their whole hearts. Thankfully, I have Jesus to guide me and communicate to me how to be a better leader.

From the Pit

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In my own life, God has brought me through a lot of crap. I was living in a pit of legalism, laws, and carrying around some baggage from my past. God came to the pit of pulled me out of it. He came to the pit. I didn’t have to do anything except admit I wanted Him to come there. Sometimes I get in the mindset that the pit had to come to for me really wasn’t that deep and then in my head, it gets translated that God really isn’t that big. However, last Thursday night, the Colts’ chaplain came to speak to the students at IU, and then I went to Chicago this past weekend to serve at Pacific Garden Mission. At both places, I heard the message that Lord will go to all lengths to rescue His people.

Both the chaplain and the speaker at PGM were from broken homes and had been deep in drugs from an early age. They at points in their lives thought that their lives were not worth living, but God met them at those points. He pulled them out the sin and their past into a future so much better than ever could have imagined. David, in Psalm 103:2-4, says, “Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits – who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion.” The Lord comes to the pit to rescue His chosen people. The Lord came to my pit and pulled me out of it. The even cooler thing that never ceases to amaze me is that He redeems our lives from the pit. To the chaplain and the PGM worker, this meant giving them a story relatable to the people they minister to, or the ability to minister to their own children. For me, I’ve seen the redemption in so many places, one has been the relationships in my life and the testimony to say, “Look what I was so deep in, and look what God did. He can do that to anyone.” The Lord not only changed my present circumstances, but He changed the way that I viewed my past and the way I view my future. There were times in high school that I just didn’t understand why I was struggling with things that way that I was, or that I didn’t think there was hope for things, but I have so much hope now, because of Jesus.

The Lord is big enough to bring any person out of the pit. If that’s difficult to believe, He’s the Lord big enough to raise Jesus from the dead. He’s the Lord big enough to create the heavens and the earth. He’s a Lord big enough to bring two men that the world have labeled as “hopeless causes” into a life with Him, where they use their pasts to help people in the present. The Lord will go to all lengths to rescue His people because He has called each of them in righteousness and He knows everything about them. Their pits are not all the same, but His love is big enough to conquer all of them.

Encouragement

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I’ve always said that my love language is quality time, it is, but words of affirmation comes in a close second. No matter what someone’s love language may be, I think they can always be encouraged. So frequently, I feel like I should encourage someone, but I don’t know how they are going to respond, or if they might think that it’s weird coming from me. Sometimes, I feel like I say nice things a lot and someone may interpret a compliment as generic or not authentic. It is such a shame because I’ve missed out on the chance to show some love to people all because I was afraid of what they may think.

Everyone can benefit from encouragement. It is silly of me to think that I can only encourage people who I’m a good friend with, or that a person’s love language must be words of affirmation in order for them to enjoy a compliment. In Paul’s letter to the Thessalonians, he says, “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing” (1 Thes 5:11). Paul doesn’t quantify this by saying – only encourage people of the same sex as you, nor does he give specific instructions for how to encourage – he just says to build each other up, in other words, point each other towards Jesus. Paul says to encourage one another because he knows that we are all members of the Body, and unity and positive reinforcement are important. No matter what a person love language, they could be pointed towards Christ.

It is important to encourage one another because when we love others, we love God. When we live as hermits or don’t allow God to use us to love others, we do not love God well. I love the moments when I say something to someone that I was cautious to say, but God totally uses it and the person is really affected by it. Getting random acts of encouragement also make my day. It is important to encourage others because we often see things in other people that they may not see in themselves – thus the Lord calls us to live in community. God is a member of the trinity because there are roles only God the Father can play, roles only the Holy Spirit can play and same for Jesus Christ. Just as God is in community with Himself, we called to be in community. Community is meant for encouragement and for loving each other, and most importantly to reflect the love of God. So, allow God to speak through you and encourage someone – you never know, it might just make their day!

Story of Peace

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For most of my life I’ve felt extremely out of place. When I was in middle school, I couldn’t wait for high school and then two years into high school, I was ready for college. I guess I was just ready to actually be in the world I was fascinated by. I wanted to live, not just talk about living. It’s been over the past couple weeks that I’ve realized that for the past year, I’ve actually been able to start living. I feel like the first 19 years of my life were full of the possibility of living life, but now I’m actually living it. And it’s better than I ever expected. It’s so neat to know that God is the ultimate story weaver. I was so paranoid and excited about all the opportunities that I never once stopped to think about the possibility that God could intricately weave them all together perfectly for me. I felt worried that none of my dreams would come true, even though my dreams were not really real things.

I can honesty say right now all my dreams are coming true, or that I’m at least confident that God is going to bring them all true, but the difference is that the dreams are different. My life, passionately following God and eliminating all my expectations, is better than I ever dreamed it would be. For the first time, I want to say in forever, but I think that’s an exaggeration, my heart is so content to be with God. I have many moments a day when this is not true – when my inner control freak and yucky sin rears its ugly head, but it’s neat to be an active participant in the story with trust that the Lord is working all things to my good.

The reason for this contentment, cheesiness and peace has been falling in love with Jesus. It’s been so neat to fall in love with my Savior – the author and perfecter of my faith! My inner control freak says that I should not be okay with this, but with my eyes focused on Jesus, I am able to take my hands off the steering wheel and let God control. I’ve read through Hebrews a couple times in the last 4 weeks and I become more and more fascinated with Jesus. He challenges me and comforts me; He restores and redeems me. Hebrews 10:14 says, “Because by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy.” This is a continual process, something that will not be completed until heaven. My eternal home and peace will be found when I return home to God, but for now, I’m just so grateful that the Lord has brought me to peace in my heart. A peace that is not based on my circumstances or my achievements, but on being in a personal relationship with the Creator of the universe. My God is the ultimate storyteller. He is constantly redeeming the unrest that my heart experienced for so long, right now – today! And He is going to constantly be remaking me until I get to return to Him. He is the center of my story and the writer of it & let me just say, He writes the most beautiful and creative stories.

Desires of my Heart

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I’m a planner. When I commit to something, I feel like I have to know the end result. That’s probably been one of the biggest stumbling blocks in my faith; I want to trust God, but I want to know what I’m trusting God to specifically do. But luckily, that’s not how God works. He works through giving us what we need, when we need it, not telling us everything or giving us what we want, when we want it. I’ve learned that I usually can’t handle what I want when I want it, and thankfully the Lord is sovereign over my desires and knows exactly what I need and when. It’s all part of His will – His perfect and pleasing will!

Back in November at Mugs and Muffins (a women’s ministry event), it was said that when we delight in the Lord, He will give us the desires of our heart (Psalm 37:4). After that, I started praying for the opportunity to delight in the Lord. This was difficult because I like to be in the driver seat, plus I kept asking God, “how can I delight in You?” God has answered this question many ways in the past 3 months. I can delight in God by living in the freedom He sent Jesus to die for me to have. I can delight in God by taking steps of faith and watching Him show up. I can delight in the God by listening to great worship music and studying. Delighting in the Lord is not achieved by one specific action – it’s a mindset. Not only that, but when I am delighting in the Lord, I am joyful because I am letting Him satisfy all my needs.

Through delighting in the Lord, my desires start to line up with His desires for me. I am not as over eager to know where God will have me in 5 years, I just know that in 5 years, I’ll be right where He wants me. If God told me what I’m going to be doing at age 50, right now, I’d probably laugh and run scared. There’s a lot that’s going to get me there, but at age 50, it’s going to be perfect for me. God knows the desires of my heart, in Genesis 47 He tells Joseph, “I know my son, I know”. I used that verse to explain a lot of my pain first semester – the Lord knew what I was going through, every time I cried, He looked down at me and said, “I know Caitlin, I know”. He knows the desires of my heart, and He’s going to fulfill them in His time and in His way, which will be perfect for me. My creator knows me. He knows me better than I know myself – He knows what I’m going to need each step of the journey, He just asks that when I take my steps, I take them towards Him and with the confidence that He will fulfill my every need. He truly will give me the desires of my heart.

Trying Not To Be Martha

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The first couple weeks of this semester, my life felt calm. Even though there were things that were crazy for a couple days, they were unexpected and with guidance from the Lord, they were resolved on are on their way to be redeemed. But aside from those couple struggles and trials, I felt bored. I felt like I wasn’t meeting with people, but I was still very content with God. I was still learning stuff, there was just more time for naps and television. In the past 4 days, my life has done a 180 turn. My planner looks like it did last semester again – I’m meeting with girls again and feel overwhelmed most of the time with everything I always have to do. I feel like Martha from Luke 10:38 – I’m busy preparing for Jesus and doing, doing and doing. I haven’t been able to just sit in His presence and cherish my Savior’s perfection.

This is going to be a constant struggle in my life. I love people. Like the rest of my life I just want to talk with people. The problem is I have a tendency to want it all. Each freshman girl I meet, I want to get coffee with and talk about life. I’m a very relational person, but sometimes I put other relationships over the most important relationship in my life. I’m not good at being patient or trusting that God’s working when I’m still. When I take a step back from constantly being on the go, that’s when God says, “well done my good and faithful servant.” He wants me to be at peace in His presence. When I act like a Martha, there’s a temptation to think that my actions and deeds are what’s making a change, not God’s goodness. Yes, my actions and my deeds can grow my faith, but they can also trick me into thinking that this story is about me, when it’s so NOT about me. It’s about my Savior dying for my sins. It’s about my Heavenly Father using me in full knowledge that I’m a broken little sinner, who’s going to mess up.

So my prayer for the rest of this semester, the rest of my college career and the rest of my life is that I can seek first His kingdom, and know that the rest will fall into place. I acknowledge that my temptation will be to want to do it all, meet with everyone and be constantly on the go, but the Lord calls me to enjoy His presence. He doesn’t desire me to be anxious, but to seek Him in everything. Jesus had 12 disciples, not 12,000 – He, with His Godly discernment, choose 12 imperfect people to invest in. In following His model, I will focus on doing what I can and trusting that they Lord is working even when I’m resting. Yes, this is a difficult task, and the world wants me to feel pressure to do everything and to be in chains to all the times I fail to live up to my own expectations, but I’m going to focus on my Savior, acknowledging the grace He died for me to receive.

Blessings, Not Barriers

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Like any girl, I love clothes, shoes and purses. Sometimes though, I worry that I place too much value on my possessions. When I’m not feeling like myself, I immediately think that shopping will make my life better. I think that buying a new outfit will actually change my life for the better. Over Christmas break, I started to realize what a hold materialism had on my life. I was in my car driving when out of nowhere I started panicking that my future might not be full of wealth. Needless to say, when I got home, I got out my bible, my journal and just tried to figure out where these feelings were coming from – why did I want more, more, more?

Why did I want more? That’s simple – I think that stuff is going to make my life better, I think that what I have can positively define me. I think that material possessions can fill voids in my heart that only Jesus can. However, time after time, I turn to the things that represent wealth in my life to satisfy me. When I do this, the blessings in my life actually prevent me from glorifying God with all that I am.

In his book, Radical, David Platt talks about what happens when material possessions stop being blessings and start being barriers. Jesus does not just want us to give my leftovers to Him; He wants all of me – my whole identity and everything He has blessed me with. I should be talking everything that He has given me and offering it back to Him with open hands and no reluctance. Jesus says that if I don’t love Him more than my mom and dad then I don’t deserve to be His disciple (Matthew 10:37-39). It should also say that if I love my Uggs, Coach clutch and Northface coats more than Him that I cannot be His disciple.

The world wants me to want more, more, more materialistic things. Jesus wants me to want more, more, more of Him. When I choose shopping over talking to Him, or value what my friends think above the Bible – His words—I CANNOT be His disciple, and my materialism becomes a barrier to my faith. This does not mean that I can’t enjoy nice things; I just cannot forget that my nice things do not and cannot define who I am. I am so much more than a Longchamp carrying, Northface and Ugg wearing sorority girls. I am a beloved daughter of God. I, even in my sinfulness, am worth dying for.  My prayer is that I stop looking at materialistic things as things that will make my life better, and that instead I view them as wonderful blessings, but not worth placing my value in. That I remember, like any other idol, they have ability to turn me away from God and consume me. So Jesus, please remind me that You ARE enough to satisfy me. You are more than enough.

What a Difference a Year Makes

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What a difference a year makes. I want to go back to January 25th, 2010 and smack me in the face. I’m not going to say in this year I’ve gained a ton of maturity or learned lessons that I’ll never have to relearn, but in the past year of my life I’ve done a lot of growing and learning. Turning 19, I was very immature, completely focused on what everyone thought of me and trying to be the Christian that I thought I “had” to be. Last spring was full of a lot of striving. Striving to be the friend that included everyone; striving to be the sorority girl that didn’t fulfill the stereotype and striving to be the Christian that I was “supposed” to be. Sadly, I thought I could accomplish these things based on my own power, not relying on God’s power.

I became the friend so focused on her friends that she could never be alone. I can’t say I became the stereotypical sorority girl, but I was very materialistic (and still struggle with that). I became the kind of Christian who did things that I thought I had to do, not out of desire to serve the Lord. I wasn’t an epic failure, but I did very little that forced me to rely on God. I liked doing safe things and while I cared about my friends, I was not investing in anyone new. I looked at situations and how they directly affected me – if I could be glorified or benefited. Thankfully, God’s done some work in this heart of mine in the past year. It’s been painful and I’ve lived on the strugglebus for most of it, but I like to think I’m in a much better place as I turn 20.

This past year has easily been one of the hardest ones. I lost a wonderful grandmother – something that has rocked me to my core. I got the first C of my academic career – something that has forced to remember that I’m so much more than my grades. I moved into a house with 95 diverse and wonderful women – something that blessed me beyond belief, but also grown my patience. I stood on my feet for 36 hours for IUDM – ahh that’s pain. I also experienced growth in many friendships that has forced me to remember that Jesus is my best friend – He’s with me during everything and He will never disappoint. He’s my rock, He’s who I should be turning to in ALL situations.

In this past year, through seeing the terrible person I am, I’ve been able to be more and more captivated with Jesus Christ – the author and perfecter of my faith. I feel so loved by God that all the love I feel from others is just a bonus. Sunday night I was praying as I went to bed that my birthday would not be about me or bringing glory to me. I’ve felt God delighting in me, so I didn’t want people to. Today has been a blessed day. I want to tell everyone to stop being so nice. I’ve had a permanent smile on my face – it’s been a day of blown expectations because didn’t expect anything. That’s a wonderful feeling. Almost as good as being able to say that I’m in my twenties. And that’s almost as good as knowing that even as I was a selfish person in the past year, God still used me. He uses the lowly of the world to exalt Himself. How cool that He chooses to use me.

Thank you God for using me this past year. You didn’t have to, but it grew me so much. I’m truly blessed.